Saturday, July 25, 2009


Carlos is mowing the front yard and I'm working inside for a few minutes.....blogging....but, hey, what he don't know....yada yada yada.

Joy, over at BabbleOn, left me a comment on one of my posts that she needed a Carlos story because the news this week, with the hate crimes and the murders and the banning books, and that god awful Katie Holmes on So You Think You Can Dance, was horrible.

Well, I happen to have a Carlos story, but I haven't been given authorization to share it. Yet. So, I'll give you three words of a Carlos story and you can use your imaginations as to what the true story sounds like.

Here are your three words:

Car accident.

Have fun.

I'm not really a Tori Spelling fan, but I caught her as a guest host on The Today Show this week--no, Kathie Lee Gifford was still there! And, i must say, Tori was kinda funny and self-deprecating.

She mentioned that, in her rush to get to the NBC studios, she'd left her hotel room without a wearing a bra. Kathie Lee Gifford....ugh, I loathe her.....pointed to Tori's chestal region and asked how she could get away without a bra and not have those things flop around.

Tori Spelling smiled sweetly, and said, Honey, for what I paid for 'em, they better stand up straight.


I am tired of the Repugnants bashing Obama's every plan, from health care to stimulus to, well, everything the president mentions.

I say, and listen up you group of pandering asshats, if you don't like the president's plan for any of the issues facing this country, don't stand around and stomp your feet like children, come up with a better plan.

Oh, but that would mean you'd actually have to work, and we know you're all too busy cheating on your wives and denying marriage rights to the gay community to actually work.

Smallville is small, hence the nickname.

But, and this is weird, I've seen some odd things.

Years ago, when i was a wee gay lad, we'd go to visit my grandmother. And in her bathroom, on the back of the toilet, was a spare role of toilet paper. only, it would seem unsightly to just leave it lying around, so my grandmother had a crocheted cover, a toilet paper cozy, if you will, that she placed over the spare roll. It looked like a little hat.

A woman in Smallville has one of those. She, um, wears it on her head. Every time I see her, I think, Toilet paper cozy hat!

Speaking of toilet paper. Nice segue.

We just began having The State newspaper delivered every morning. But, in the thirteen days we've been on the delivery route, we have not received a paper five times! That puts me off. So today when no paper arrived, we called the newspaper and complained and then cancelled delivery. I'll go back to the online version.

But, what has The State newspaper got to do with toilet paper, you say? Well, although it is the paper for the Midlands of South Carolina, it is the smallest paper I've ever seen...the thinnest paper I've ever seen.

I've wiped my ass with more substantial paper.

Yesterday afternoon I was home and the phone rang. the voice on the other end asked for Carlos. I said he wasn't in and I would take a message. The voice then said, I am calling from the Fraternal Order of Police, and, hehe, no, you aren't in trouble.

I said, I know that.
Voice said, I just need sixty seconds of your time. Would you agree that the police provide a much needed service to our community, making us feel safer in our homes and on our streets?
I said, Uh huh.
Voice said, That was a question. Don't you agree--
I said, I answered the question., Did you call to talk about the Fraternal Order of Police or give me a lesson in phone etiquette?
Voice said, Well, I--
I said, Your sixty seconds are up.



frogponder said...

Okay -
Car accident.
Since Carlos is mowing we know that whatever happened didn't damage him too much. The car? The chicken?
Did the chicken attempt to cross the road?

Howard said...

Thank you for the laughs today. Just reading the 3 Cs - Carlos, Chicken and Car accident, made me smile!

Mark said...

I hope both the Carlos, the chicken and the car are all OK.

My grandmother used to make those crocheted toilet paper cozies. They really did seem to class the place up. Great post!

Lou said...

The mad hatter lady must have a very tiny head hehe

Beth said...

I hope you get to share the Carlos story!

We drove through S. Carolina today. Beautiful! I thought of you.

Anonymous said...

I love the snippets! I'm conjuring all sorts of odd scenarios for the three word thing.

As to Repugs, I do wish they'd either shut up or put up.

And the FOP, when they call and give me that line I tell em' I don't trust police since they're an instrument of the state and the state is controlled by corporate interests.

That got a prompt hangup.

They haven't called since. That's because I know police are a reactive force and they don't even do that very well.

Joy said...

The four C's made me laugh ... that last C is for cozy. And it was hilarious! Now we just have to know the rest of the Carlos story. Thank you so much for some levity. I love your phone etiquette with the FOP.

It's taken me so much effort not to reply to that Debi's comments on my FYI post after I went off on her. If someone had said that to me, I'd have been in a snit and not commented again and probably would have quit reading their blog. But no! She is still there. If she makes another of those Fox Noise comments, I'll just delete it. She's been warned.

OK, now I have to read your post again so I can laugh. Thanks for doing it! :-)

Berry Blog said...

Knowing how Carlos, from your picture given us, is oblivious to himself or at least his effect on others, I was surprised that he was even mowing as you wrote. I thought his enthusiasm for mowing died the minute you guys got a new mower and you had to do it? I guess it's "Carlos does what his mind is on at the moment."

Stephen said...

A warm summer morning in Smallville. Interior of an autombile.
Bob: CARLOS... quick, hey, check out that hot jogger wearing those tiny shorts!

Carlos: Bob, you old perv. That is some junior high school kid... what's the deal, Bob? I know you don't go for, or even look at CHICKEN. Keep your eyes on the road & not at the shirtless joggers...or we could have an ACCIDENT, Bob!

Sound effect: a screetch of brakes

Mark in DE said...

LOVED the toilet paper cozy hat story! Spouse's mother has one of those toilet paper cozies on the spare roll in the guest bathroom we use when we visit her. So classy.