I like these episodes because they are for actual people and not some made-up, ooh look, it’s Kris Jenner kind of schlock. There is more on the line when real clients are involved because, if it turns out wrong, you know darn well HGTV will have to redesign the redesign at their own costs.
And that would be a show worth watching: HGTV Design Star Fucked Up Makeover Redone. I'm available for hosting......?
Team Family Friendly Contemporary
Danielle and Miera
They were paired up to do the living room and Miera's first thought was how happy she was not to work with Kris because he's so difficult. After this episode, I start to think it wasn't Kris, but Miera who was the pain in the TV ass.
The homeowners tell the duo they'd like a family-friendly space, with storage for toys, but also an adult entertaining space. And they like Scandinavian design, with blues and grays and maybe some gold bling.
I begin to worry because last week it was the bling wallpaper that nearly doomed Danielle.
Miera decides to take on a wall unit and tasks their carpenter with building a full shelving piece with bookshelves and closed storage. When the carpenter says Are you on crack? Miera tells us not to worry, "I know what I’m doing.”
Ominous drumming. Or maybe it was Danielle banging her head against a wall.
The funny thing is, all through the episode, Miera keeps saying she knows how to do this, and then she doesn't do it. The carpenter builds it, Danielle paints it, and Miera’s contribution was to tear off a piece of veneer on the store bought units when they were installed.
Yeah, she's got this.
Danielle found a cool console table and decided to work on the entry hall vignette, which is design-speak for "area". And she found the bling in some gold crosses that she would use for a major art installation. Danielle. Bling. I'm getting a bad feeling about this.
And, when the store-bought cabinets Miera bought, and asked to have inserted into the wall unit the carpenter made, were found to be the wrong size--because Miera cannot read a tape measure though she can do anything and everything else--they wall unit was rebuilt. But not before some tension between Danielle and Miera erupted because Danielle stopped to think and Miera couldn't see inside her head and found that to be disrespectful.
And Danielle further disrespected Miera, after Miera stomped off for the second week in a row, by painting out the newly re-redesigned cabinets. And, well, you know what happened next....
Danielle was so bust fixing Miera's mistakes that she couldn't finish her design and her blingy gold crosses were hung at the last minute, and looked lonely and sad and, well, stupid.
Their room was kind of a hodgepodge. They didn't repaint the living room, though they badly repainted the dining area. Danielle's entry "vignette" was really nice, but Lil Vern suggested that the aesthetic of that console table and mirror should have been throughout the room.
Genevieve Gorder, wearing--oh for the love of god, how did she ever get on a design channel....neon yellow stretch pants.....take a moment to let that sink in for a minute....Designer.Neon.Yellow.Stretch....I am still puking a little in my mouth just visualizing that outfit--noticed Danielle's bling and called them "sad little 'x's". Um, you moron, this is an x, and this is a +; take note.
Sabrina Soto, guest judge and Target salesgirl-slash-designer--which explains the overly long Target montage/homage this week, noticed the bookcases, with chipped corners, unfinished paint job, and how they seemed too short.
Kris and Rachel
They opt to take the outside, which the homeowners want as an entertainment space. When the wife says she likes succulents, Kris drools a bit and says he loves to succulent. Or something like that. Kris is all smarmy cheese when he talks and sounds like Wink Martindale, used car salesman. I'd be able to talk to him for about thirty seconds before I'd take a flying leap...
But Kris gets some old tree stumps at the garden center and creates holes in them into which he placed some of his sucky plants, er, succulents. And, well, as much as he annoys me with his phony personality, this is an idea I'm stealing. Sidenote: we had a large tree cut down in Casa Bob y Carlos and I still have the wood. I see sucky tables in my future.
What I don't see is a play area like the one that Rachel designed for the homeowner’s daughter. Rachel got the I-Miss-My-Child edit this week, which almost always spells doom, and she capitalized on that sense of foreboding by placing a little girl's princess-themed play are right next to a garbage can.
And it was a huge mistake. Sabrina Soto called it "bizarre" which is a polite way of saying What the ^%$#&^**%$%^$% did she do here? Still, the judges liked her use of wood slats to replace an old metal awning. And Kris got props for his sucky tables--as he should--and for creating the privacy fence.
The Goiter said, Wow there’s a lotta room out here.
And then the producers made her lie down.
Team Sophisticated Flea Market
Hilari and Mikel
This pair took the living room, and the homeowners wanted something that brought in nature through color, but also looked like elegant thrift store. But not dorm room chic, I'm guessing.
Hilari and Mikel got along famously, possibly because they are the duo with the oddly spelled names, but I could be wrong.
But, while there was some design involved, the focus was again on shopping, as Hilari found a sectional she must have--even though Mikel thought it too big--and a Tibetan buffet that just screamed Flea Market Treasure. Now, to be fair, the way Hilari arranged the buffet, with the small stools beneath and the art above, well, that's design, so I’ll give her props for being more than just a good shopper.,
And space planner because Mikel was wrong and the sectional was the perfect size.
But Mikel scored big points for his calming green paint color, and then by painting the brick fireplace white to match the ceilings and the trim. It made the fireplace part of the room instead of a standalone feature. Plus, as a designer, he took a store-bought mirror, and used some reclaimed wood, cut into the homeowner's favorite Chevron cut--to cre4ate a one-of-a-kind mirror.
Another little idea I may steal. Thanks Mikel!
And their room was complete and finished and all pulled together. I could live in that room, although I had one complaint: the homeowners--as all HGTV homeowner clients are apt to do--wanted an entertaining space and that little table seemed too small to entertain more than three small children at imaginary tea.
Sabrina called the room inviting and loved all the textures, while Vern called it warm and spacious. The Goiter stirred from her nap long enough to say, And sectionals can so easily go wrong.
The producers medicated her so she'd sleep longer.
Stanley and Britany
The homeowners wanted an outdoor living room and less concrete, so Manley Stanley took it upon himself to go all Woodsman on their asses, and build a fence, a deck a pergola, and even took time to carve a small boy completely out of wood. And that boy came to life and is now hosting his own garden show on the DIY network.
Britany found out the owners liked a Chevron pattern, so she built a fence like that....or, she had Stanley build a fence like that. But, hey, she designed it and he was the carpenter, so, not smart Stanley. But, when I saw her design for the fence it looked like she'd created some hanging pots for plants that would fill the fence with greenery. That didn't make it into the finished design and it was too bad, because, while the fence was cool, it was a big long, tall, Chevron board fence.
Perhaps the plants were left off because Manley Stanley didn't measure twice and cut once, so some of his Chevrons were too short and he started the fence over. But he also built a pergola--and I love a good pergola--but the slanted pieces of wood made it look like a tree house I'd have built when I was four; okay, it look like a tree house I would have built when I was forty-four. Still....building ain’t design, Manley.
And Britany's biggest contribution--other than that Chevron--was sewing drapes for Manley’s wonky pergola. But, we also got the Britany Girl Power moment when she reminded us that the girls on this show are tough, and can do anything, because she broke all her fingernails doing it.
I liked their patio, though, as I said, the pergola seemed oddly made, and the Chevron fence needed plants. But the wood decking to cover the concrete was a good design choice, so Manley gets points there. Vern called the fence sculptural, which I guess means he liked it. Sabrina loved the drapes in the pergola and the seating area, while The Goiter--again, neon yellow--wanted more color.
This time the producers clubbed her with a piece of reclaimed lumber and she was down for the count.
Hilari, because she shopped well, and her Camera Challenge--putting a branch into a lamp base--was deemed so fabulous, won this week.
Miera, because she can do everything and yet do nothing, was given the axe.
I think Rachel should have gone home. Trash area playgrounds are never good.
I think Mikel should have won, because the paint colors made that room and he created a mirror rather than just buying one at fill in the blank product-placement store.
And, well, except for his voice, I liked Kris this week, His planters were ingenious. And except for his guns, I didn't like Stanley this week because he didn't design as much as he built.
Though he filled out a nice pair of Levis while doing so.
What did YOU think?