I Ain't One To Gossip, But .... Full Metal Lohan With A Dash Of Chris Brown

Okay, so I had all my Lohan news, and ran it through the Snark-o-Meter, all ready to post, when I hear that Lohan was found "unresponsive" in a hotel in Marina del Ray. My first thought? Whitney.
But, um, here's the real scoop:
Lindsay wasn't feeling well, ALLEGEDLY, and told the producers of her craptastic new movie. They called their "doctor" to check on her. Before arriving the "doctor" asked someone from the hotel to check on her and they found Lindsay "unresponsive" in her room. Paramedics were called and they determined there was nothing wrong with Lohan and they left.
Nothing wrong? Unresponsive.
Now her "team" of enablers is saying Lohan was "exhausted" and "overworked" and "overtired" and "dehydrated" which is why she was "unresponsive."
Girl must be a deep sleeper. Wink.
And now, on with Full Metal Lindsay:

Original Recipe Lohan crashed her car last week and I was thinking it was part of her desperate need to be the center of attention—AKA she was jealous that Lohan 2.0, Amanda Bynes, was high on a wave of hit-and-runs—but then I saw pictures of the demolished Porsche and, well, it looked less like fame-whoring and more like simple bad driving.

The basic story is this: Original Recipe's assistant was driving her rented…..Let’s stop there for a moment. Who would rent an $80,000 car to a woman who hasn’t had a real job since she drove that VW in a movie? But I digress.

The assistant, Gavin, was driving the black Porsche along the Pacific Coast Highway and BAM! he had plowed into the back of an 18-wheeler. The Porsche was pronounced dead at the scene while Lohan and Gavin were taken to a local hospital, checked out, and then released. The truck driver was also uninjured.

And Lindsay made sure that the press got the story that even though she was in a serious accident she would not stop working on that craptastic Liz Taylor TV movie. She went ahead and plowed right into work that same day like it was a semi and she was a fast car. She ALLEGEDLY “refused” to allow producers to cancel shooting for the day, so it’s one of three things: a) she wasn’t hurt in the accident, or 2) she’s the consummate professional who believes the show must go on, or c) she needs drug money and can’t afford to miss work.

Okay, so not much to report there, except more drama for Lindsay, which is really nothing new, eh? Except……while it appears that both Lohan and the truck driver were sober at the time, Lindsay’s people—Hey Dina!!—put the word out that the truck driver, James No-Last-Name, was to blame for the accident because he cut her off. He has a different story, naturally.

James says, after the crash, as is her M.O., Lohan tried to flee the scene, and that her “people”—which is a hodge-podge of chardonnay-filled mothers, lawyers on speed dial, and the guy who sells stolen prescription pads from the free clinic on La Cienega—tried to buy his silence.

James says Lohan's car was behind him, and was being followed a Cadillac Escalade, driven by someone associated with her Lifetime movie….drug dealer….and right after the crash, both Lohan and her assistant got out of the Porsche and into the Escalade. But, James says, first the assistant picked up a pink bag, “filled it up with something” and then put clothes on top of it.

James claims the Escalade driver tried to keep him away from Lohan, even though he simply wanted to exchange information with Lindsay—whom he did not recognize because she looks nothing like herself. And then James says the Escalade driver offered him some cash, or would take him to the “bank” and get some cash. I’m thinking maybe they would have taken him to the riverbank and dumped his body there.

James says everyone tried to get him to leave: “Him and the guy took me across the street and told me this was some kind of famous person and they didn’t want to be in the media. But I’d already called 911 because they were trying to get away from the scene. But they packed a bag and then the limousine driver told me, ‘Don’t mention the bag to the cops.’”

Steve Honig, Lindsay’s watchdog, says, “Lindsay is cooperating fully with law enforcement. She has answered all their questions and provided them with everything they have asked for.”

James says he did not cut her off because he was in the right lane at the time of the collision, and there are multiple witnesses who saw her “flying” down the highway--What's this? Lindsay was driving? But she said she wasn't!

Hmmm, Lohan driving recklessly? I buy it.

Lohan having a stash of something in the car? I buy that, too.

 Lohan trying to pay the guy off? Typical Lohan.

And since he didn’t take the bribe, and didn’t say the accident was his fault, Lohan is now saying the brakes on her car failed.

Typical.

And the saga continues…..Lindsay’s team of enablers, er, handlers, er, court appointed therapists, er, people, are working overtime trying to spin the latest nonsense into something that resembles real life.

Larry Thompson producer of the sure-to-be-craptastic movie, Liz & Dick, says, Lindsay is “shaken but not stirred [note: Seriously? He used a booze reference? Is that some hidden meaning?]  She wants to work, we are sending her to makeup hoping to resume production and get as much as we can done.”

Even though Lindsay came to work on the heels of her minutes long hospital stay, a team of makeup artists was dispatched to cover the bruises from the accident or to cover the fact that Lohan looks like a blow-up doll that has been left out in the rain for a month.

Thompson also says Lindsay isn’t supposed to be driving--Again? But Lindsay said Gavin was driving!--because she’s really bad at it….like Amanda Bynes bad—but that when “they went to pick her up today, for some reason she decided they (Lohan and her assistant) would get in her own car, so the limousine driver followed them.” 

Thompson: “I was nervous before the movie started, now I’m just petrified… I was telling someone: Lindsay went to the doctor, and I should go see a psychiatrist.” 

Honey, that’s a visit you should have made when the thought of hiring Lohan came into your head.

Steve Honig, Lindsay’s, um, chief enabler, says the truck driver's allegations that Lohan tried to bribe him are just nonsense because a jewel thief, car-jacker, kidnapper, serial rehabber, criminal on probation would never ever do such a thing! Honig: “It seems to me once he realized he wasn’t going to get anything from Lindsay he decided to get cash by telling tales to the tabloids. I hope he got whatever money he was looking for. Personally, all I care about is that Lindsay and [her assistant] Gavin are okay.” 

Oh, except that now, law enforcement sources are saying that “Lindsay Lohan lied to cops Friday by telling them she was NOT driving the Porsche that slammed into a truck on the Pacific Coast Highway, and as a result she could be prosecuted and her probation could be revoked.” 

At in the hospital, right after the accident, the police say, “Lindsay told police she was a passenger in the Porsche and her assistant was driving. But the lie didn’t stick because later Lindsay’s assistant [Gavin] told police Lindsay was behind the wheel.” 

And several eyewitnesses say they also saw Lindsay behind the wheel too.

So, first she wasn’t driving and then James cut her off and then the brakes failed and then, well, she was probably drunk and all sorts of cracked up and driving like that scene in Mahogany where Tony Perkins wants to kill Diana Ross, only this time Lohan is Perkins and her assistant is Diana Ross.

This could spell trouble for the cracktress because it’s a crime to provide false information to a police officer, especially when you are on PROBATION!

I hope her old judge gets wind of this story, cuz she ain’t buying the Lohan Kool-Aid.

Now let’s step away from the car crash and look, for a moment, at the trainwreck that is Lohan’s life.

Last year there was all sorts of news that Lohan would be in a movie about mob boss John Gotti, that would star that other tabloid darling, Miss John Travolta—unless he was getting a massage.

Travolta was supposed to play the “Teflon Don” while Lohan was desperate to play Victoria Gotti. Lindsay and her team of dealers, enablers, lawyers and drunken mothers, leaked all kinds of stories about Victoria Gotti’s ALLEGED friendship with the Lohan mob and how it was the part to restore Lindsay’s dead career.

But then, shortly after Lindsay appeared on every red carpet alongside Gotti, word came that she was not going to be in the film and never was supposed to be in the film. Apparently she was axed from consideration because Dina made too many demands—like all the chardonnay she could drink—and because Lindsay wanted more money than she’s worth—and she’s worth about a dime…..bag. So, the producers weren’t having it.

But then something happened, like a need for even bad publicity, and Lohan was back in.

But in a minor role; I think it was Dead Whore #2.

Now, though, comes the news that even Lindsay can’t play a dead whore.

She’s out.

Her Enabler-In-Chief, Steve Honig has admitted that Lindsay isn’t going to be in the Gotti film at all: “I can confirm that Lindsay has not signed on to be a part of the John Gotti movie, nor is she in talks to join the cast. It does not look like an agreement can be made. Lindsay’s representatives and film producers were unable to come to an agreement. Lindsay has the utmost respect for Barry Levinson [the director of the movie] and the producers and hopes to work with them in the future and wishes them all the best.”

And, in response, the director, Barry Levinson said, Lindsay who?

And, of course, since the big story tacked onto the Gotti movie is TravoltaGroping, who needs Lohan’s antics to publicize their film when a much bigger star likes to get his Wee Willie Winkie rubbed.

Poor Lindsay. If only she’d been arrested for prostitution, she might have gotten the part.

Of the Dead Whore.

But fear not, dear Lohan fans. Lindsay has another film already lined up once the craptastic Liz & Dick is finished. Or, at least once she gets written out of the movie and replaced by a real actress.

Yes folks, you will soon be able to see Lohan on the big screen and….

Huh? What?

Oh, it’s not on the big screen?

But you’ll be able to see Lohan in another made-for-TV movie that…..

Huh? What?

It isn’t a TV movie? Or a feature? Is it, gasp, regional theater?

No. It’s a somewhat different film that will probably never see the light of day and head straight to DVD. If that….

Huh? What?

It’s gonna “premiere” on Netflix? Oh dear jeebus!

Here’s the story: Bret Easton Ellis and director Paul Schrader wanted to work together on a film project which Ellis wrote, called The Canyons. Their goal was to an “LA noir” with a “micro budget”—i.e. it would cost about as much as a Big Gulp—and would be filmed digitally and “released” on Netflix.

The film will follow a small group of LA twenty-somethings—note: Let’s digest that. Lohan hasn’t looked like a twenty-something since she was twelve. These days she’s looking forty-something, so will she be playing mother to someone in the cast?—in a “psycho-sexual thriller.”

Porn.

Ellis says both the male and female leads will have nudity as a requirement.

Um, Lindsay nude? Sagging fun bags and all? I see a quick trip to a Costa Rican plastic surgeon in her future.

And, Ellis has confirmed, via Twitter of course, that Lohan has been cast as “Tara,” the girlfriend and former model—note: Lohan. Former model? Oh god the comedy—of the lead character. Christian, who will be played by, and I kid you not, porn star, James Deen.

Apparently, Lindsay auditioned for the part, and in Ellis’s words, “Lindsay nailed it.”

Or, they all nailed Lindsay because, seriously, how else is she gonna land a job except for auditioning while flat on her back?

And since we are continuing with All Things Lindsay, Plus A Little Chris Brown, let’s add:

Now it turns out that Lohan was driving the Porsche when it plowed into the back of the truck. Not her assistant, as she first told police.

So, why lie, Lindsay? Is it because your first instinct is to lie? Is it because you’re so cracked out you didn’t know you were driving?

Well, maybe she did it because of insurance issues. The production company’s insurance company didn’t want Lohan behind the wheel of a car, and I imagine her own insurance people begged her to be the Designated Passenger, but when you’re a Lohan why should you follow rules?

Or, maybe she said she wasn’t driving because “law enforcement sources” are saying that Lohan had an open container of alcohol in her trunk at the time of the accident. She was carrying said alcohol in a water bottle—which has been a Lohan M.O. for years.

Okay. So she had booze in the car and possibly in her system so that’s why she lied.

Instead of, you know, not drinking and driving!!

Law enforcement sources and the tow truck driver say that the police ALLEGEDLY confiscated a plastic water bottle from the trunk of the Porsche, and that the bottle contained alcohol. Another law enforcement source tells us the bottle was actually in the debris field and scooped up along with other parts and placed in the trunk before it was towed away.

Still, it’s not a violation to carry an open container in a trunk, so Lindsay is in the clear. And, according to cops, she had no alcohol in her system.

Still, not the smartest move for a cracktress with drug and alcohol issues and trip after trip to rehab.

All righty then……

Off the Lohan and onto Chris Brown.

You know, the guy who beat his girlfriend? The guy who threw a chair at a window at Good Morning America after they asked him about beating his girlfriend?

Yeah, that Chris Brown.

Well, he was on the other end of an ass-whupping, ALLEGEDLY.

Apparently, Chris Brown and Canadian rapper Drake were in the same NYC nightclub last week and Chris sent some champagne to Drake. But Drake sent the bubbly back with a note about Rihanna—Chris’s old punching bag—and then chaos ensued.

And Chris got beat up.

Now, this seems to have been brewing for a while. Rumor has it that Chris and Drake have had a less than friendly relationship since about three years ago, when Rihanna cheated on Chris, with Drake. And you know Chris Brown ain’t letting that go.

Still, sources say Chris sent the champagne over as a kind of peace offering but that, ALLEGEDLY, Drake sent it back with a note that basically said something like “I’m f*ckng the love of your life [Rihanna], deal with it.”

Whatever message Drake sent back caused Chris to immediately fly into a rage. He ran up to Drake and his entourage—which included another Chris Brown rival, rapper Meek Mill, who also ALLEGEDLY had a relationship with Rihanna.

That girl gets around….but I digress….back to the fight.

Drake punched Chris in the face and before Chris could retaliate, someone from Drake’s group hit Chris in the mouth with a bottle. Probably a bottle of champagne, I’m guessing.

 Security immediately broke up the fight. Drake and his posse left the club before police showed up and Chris also left, though he headed to the hospital where his face was sewn up.

Not his mouth, though that would have been nice.

Or his fingers, because he later Tweeted: “How u party wit rich n**** that hate? Lol… Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!.” And then he tweeted a photo of his face and the stitches.

Naturally, he deleted the Tweets later because, well, he’s a dick.