I Ain't One Gossip But ....

Okay, so Amanda Bynes, AKA Lohan 2.0, is all sorts of hot messes, coming every single week it seems.

Let’s recap:

There was a DUI arrest in early April, during which she hit a police car, which was followed by the Texting And Driving Incident of late April when she backed her car up over a curb, and then we had a hit-and-run, followed by a police and helicopter chase, just this month.

So, how you gonna celebrate, Amanda?

Well, she’s gonna dodge the news that she committed another hit-and-run in early April, just four days after her DUI arrest.

Yes, she did. And she also ran a red light after striking the other car, so she is either the Worst Driver Ever—sorry Britney, there’s a new Queen in town—or she’s a Texting Driver, or she’s just a drunk a la Lohan.

Here’s the tale: Lohan 2.0  slammed into a car on the 101 Freeway in the San Fernando Valley on April 10, and then drove off. This is according to the victim, who called the police and identified Bynes as the culprit; and identified the Bynes' car as a 5 series BMW. The victim gave chase, got off the freeway, but Bynes, ALLEGEDLY the culprit, breezed through a red light and disappeared.

However, the victim got the BMW license number.

CHP officers ran the plate and determined it was a rental vehicle and told the victim it was an Enterprise rental. The victim contacted Enterprise who identified Lohan 2.0 as the person who rented the car.

The victim then showed up at a CHP substation and identified Bynes from a photo lineup—the photo being Lohan 2.0’s mugshot from her four-day-old DUI arrest--but, luckily for Bynes, the case was referred to a filing officer at the L.A. City Attorney’s Office who immediately rejected it because there was no independent witness fingering Amanda as the phantom driver.

Just the driver who got hit by Bynes.

Sounds like she’s right on track to be The New Lindsay because she’s getting away with, well, not murder, but being the worst driver in California, and quite a drunken party girl!

And speaking of Original Recipe Lohan, what’s new with her?

I mean all is quiet on the Liz-and-Dick Lifetime craptastic movie she’s making, so what’s to talk about?

Well, nothing from Lindsay, but loads from her media-whoring drunk-assed dad, Michael Lohan, who has gone on record as saying that Original Recipe Lohan’s spaced out, cue card reading, barely lucid “performance” on SNL was due to her taking prescription pills: "I have to say this… on SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking, but is still on the prescription drugs that they gave her…And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn’t need them. But they kind of make her flat. She’s not acting at a full potential. It’s like the screen is down over her.”

But, in his own alcohol-hazed mind,m he gives her props--yes, props--for her limp line readings on Glee: “And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.’ And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee. THAT was Lindsay. Yeah that was her acting. That is Lindsay Lohan at the Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls potential. That is what she was.”

So, that’s Lindsay. Barely able to string together two sentences and then not seen again? We haven’t been missing much.

And I will give Daddy Lohan that Original Recipe has a problem with prescription meds. I never really saw her trolling the streets of seedy downtown LA looking for a score, but I can see her doing a little doctor shopping, a la Michael Jackson.

Hopefully she won’t end up the same way.

Gosh, I don’t watch The X Factor, but I may have to change my ways now that they’ve replaced Crazy Paula Abdul with Certifiably Crazier Britney Spears.

FOX and Simon Cowell made a huge deal out of snagging Spears as a judge, hoping that, as a pop star and recovering hot mess, she might be just the Can’t Look Away From The Screen that the struggling show needs.

And, apparently, as part of her “deal” she gets to judge when she wants and walk off the stage when she feels like it. Which she did when a contestant ALLEGEDLY butchered a performance of Spears’ own song "Hold It Against Me."  Another source—probably her fiance, who is also on her payroll--denied that Spears was upset, claiming, "She was just taking a short break."

In the middle of the show.

And this might be just the beginning of a slow-motion freeway pile-up. See, Britney's contract allows for a lot of leeway. One source—and it might be a green with envy, drug-addled Paula Abdul—says, “X Factor wanted Britney so desperately, she was able to negotiate terms that are unheard of"--like walking off set when the mood strikes her, or there’s a lollipop offstage.

Or a kitten.

Or Doritos.

Britney slammed that story via Twitter, with someone typing for her: “Britney walks off??? LOL was just taking a little break people. I am having the BEST time!!!”

But she didn’t come back right away because four other contestants performed before the other judges and Britney’s empty chair. Which, I’m guessing, was far more eloquent and articulate in it’s assessments.

But, enough of Britney’s wackaddoodle walk-offs, let’s also delve into her contract, which will see her pocketing $15 million this year, and what she demands:

*34 Herve Leger dresses

*12 Snickers bars

*10 snack-size bags of Doritos

*six cases of Diet Coke containing 24 cans, which must be replenished every week

*12 vases of magnolia blossoms in her dressing room

*10 pieces of chicken

*four pints of potato salad every week.

*beauty team which includes a personal manicurist, a facialist and a massage therapist

It sounds like a hoedown. Or in Britney’s case, “Ho! Down!”

But, for audiences tuning in to see Britney--as a competent judge or a Paula Abdul-esque disaster-- her repeated absences could end up being a problem. If you promise me Spears, give me Spears, in all of her head-shaving, car-beating wackadoodleness.

Or, maybe give us a hologram. It’s all the rage, dontcha know.

Paris Hilton was all over the Cannes Film Festival because she’s an award winning actress or......maybe she's just never met a party she didn’;t want to snort.

And her former bestie, Kim Kash Kow Kardashian was there with her latest husband-to-be-whose-name-starts-with-a-K, Kanye Kwest.

And that’s where the ugly started, because most of the paparazzi were trailing Kim-n-Kanye and Paris wasn’t getting any attention at all. And that irks the heiress/reality star/mogul/singer/DJ/drug mule.

A source—and you know it’s Kris Jenner, who has suddenly taken to calling herself Kris Kardashian Jenner, which doesn’t bode well for her same-sex marriage to Bruce Jenner—says, “Kim will always be a sore spot for Paris because she believes that without her Kim wouldn’t have the success she has in her life. Paris thinks Kim wasn’t a loyal friend to her and only used her to gain fame and that she is ungrateful for everything Paris claimed to do for her.”

And KKJ continuers, because that mom-whore loves to talk about her offspring-for-cash, “Paris is extremely jealous of Kim’s success with her reality shows as Paris’ last foray in television was a complete flop. Her show on Oxygen was a ratings disaster and didn’t get renewed. Adding to Paris’ angst is that attention that Kim is getting from dating Kanye. Paris has been dating DJ Afrojack, but he’s nowhere near the fame league that Kanye is."

There's more, but the more I hear KKJ prattle on about her whored-out children, the more I find my life coming to a sad bitter end.

Still, the former besties, who once had sex tapes in common, are just not the same.

When last seen, Kim Kash Kow was jiggling her large ass in Kanye’s face, while he was writing a ‘song’ about it, and Paris was face down in pile of white powder a gas station bathroom.

ALLEGEDLY.

Okay, more on TravoltaGate.

There are still seven men who have accused Travolta of harassing and sexually abusing them. Two are currently suing him, and are represented by pitbull Gloria Allred, and the other five are waiting to see how this ‘pays’ off.

But now, comes news that one of the two Allred clients is “quietly” discussing a settlement with Travolta, one that will be sealed forever and will forbid the man from revealing details of his encounter with the predatory creep, under penalty of being sued.

And having Scientology Superman Tom Cruise swoop down on him....which, come to think of it, Tommy might like.

ALLEGEDLY.

The reason for the ALLEGED hush-hush, or, on the down low—Get it?—settelemnt talks are because this particular masseuse’s claims say the “incient” occurred within the last two years, which is within the statute of limitations for civil lawsuits.

So, Travolta’s attorney is currently in settlement talks.

And, you know, even if this man settles, and even if part of his settlement is that he never, ever discuss the Grope-a-thon again, doesn’t it make it seem like Travolta is really Hands On with his masseurs?

And, if he settles, what becomes of the other six? Will he settle with them, or, if their stories are too old to be taken seriously, might they just sell all the sordid details to every single tabloid out there?

He’s never going to escape it.

And, well, this is just so fun, that I’m giggling as I type.

Oprah is on the interview circuit. Oh, not out to interview, but out to be interviewed in  the hopes of pumping up the audience for her cash-bleeding network, OWN, which lost over $300 million last year.

And now Oprah is scrambling to save OWN, which has been a disaster from day one with terrible ratings and parent network Discovery quickly learning that their supposedly brilliant acquisition has quickly transformed into a money pit.

Just in the past year, the signs have been pointing towards OWN’s imminent demise:

First: Oprah begged Nielsen viewers to watch her flailing network.

Second: Oprah did battled with former Queen of Nice,Rosie O’Donnell, over Rosie’s now cancelled OWN d-i-saster.

Third:Oprah offered up Rosie’s old slot to Wynonna Judd, who told O to put it where the sun don’t shine.

Fourth: Oprah, desperate to do anything to save her OWN, has offered reality shows to serial groper, John Travolta, afraid of a man kiss, Will Smith, and, married with beard, Tom Cruise, all of whom told O to put it where the sun don’t shine.

Now, in a final indignity, O has been stripped of executive powers at her own OWN network. The chief financial backer decided to curtail her control over the network and now she’s just a big fat cheese-filled figure-head.

It’s not really OWN, is it, if you don’t ‘own’ it?