Thursday, April 23, 2009

Ready. Aim. Rant.


Things that make me go WTF?
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Okay, so American Idol last night. Quick thoughts.

Paula Abdul's choreography was recycled from an old Brady Bunch episode.

David Archuleta will never be taller, but he will always be cut.

Lil and Anoop....BAM.....gone.

Freda Payne should know that you can't sing with a frozen face.

Thelma Houston should sue her hairdresser.

KC looked like a deer-who-can't-carry-a-tune-caught-in-the-headlights.

Simon's arm around Paula....WTF?
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Those new CIA memos revealing the truth about the Bush-Cheney Reign of Terror and Torture.

Let me cut to the chase, people. If you, or anyone you know or hear--this means you Elizabeth One-Brain-Cell Hasselbeck--uses the phrase "I don't condone torture, but....."

You condone torture.

Try this one: "I don't condone child molestation, but....."

Or howsabout: "I don't beat my wife except...."

Do you get it? Good. Then shut up.
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Matt Lauer and the Today Show. Pandering to the lowest common denominator. Matt seemed to drool a bit this morning, talking about the so-called Craig's List Killer, who stalks women via the web and then kills them and takes their panties home as some sort of trophy.

I think Matt may have been sporting a little bit of wood this morning every time he uttered the word panties.

But, Matt and Today, where is your reporting on the murder of transgendered woman Angie Zapata by psycho Allen Andrade? Was that story too icky for Matt to talk about? Did that story not have the word panties in it so it doesn't make the Today show?

Give it up, Lauer, you'll never be a newsman.

You're a talking head....a talking empty head.
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And Oprah. Why why why do I watch this media whore? Am I that lazy that I won't just reach for the remote before she speaks?

I was cooking dinner the other night, and for some reason Oprah suddenly appeared on my TV. An Act of God, you say? Perhaps. Maybe I just didn't switch the channel quick enough after The People's Court.

I digress.

But, having a skillet in one hand and a spatula in the other, I couldn't reach for my gun and blow a hole in the TV in time, so I heard her, and saw her. I thought about hurling the skillet through the screen, but then what would Carlos have for dinner?

She was fondly reminiscing about the Susan Smith case. You know, the woman who told everyone that a black man had carjacked her and taken her kids? But then it turned out that she strapped her kids into their car seats and rolled the car into a lake?

Okay, so Oprah, for some unfathomable reason, was showing an interview she did with Susan's husband on the five year anniversary of his son's murders. She is asking him if he visits their graves and, if so, what he says while there.

He chokes up and starts to cry. The camera does a quick cut to our hero, Oprah, as she dabs at the tears in her eyes and says, unbelievably, "This is so hard for me."

For you? Were those your sons in that car? Because I thought you were just the interviewer, and yet, with a quick switch from Camera One to Camera Two, you have become the story.
Look, everyone. Look how hard it is for Oprah?

Seriously, take your crocodile tears and have them made into a handbag or a pair of shoes and please stop talking!
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Paris Hilton
Lindsay Lohan
Lady GaGa
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That's all.

7 comments:

  1. If you can tolerate that Elizabeth nut on the View for 5 minutes, you're a better man than I. She's not good for my blood pressure.

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  2. Anonymous11:03 AM

    There's a song done by a comedy duo out of Indiana called "Man I'm glad I'm man". Too funny.

    There's a line "When Oprah comes on I turn off the TV..."

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  3. Elisabeth the Twit drives me crazy. I've written to the show about her many times. It probably just keeps her on there longer. I keep hoping she'll stay home after each baby. But NO!! I can't even think about these children she's bringing up. Maybe they'll rebel and have some sense.

    When I saw the topic of that Oprah show, I knew I wouldn't be able to watch it. She even made that about her! She handles her enormous ego differently from the way Simon Cowell does his, but they are both so full of themselves!

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  4. Mark, when I first glance at your profile photo, you look like a Mountie (RCMP). Sgt. Preston of the Yukon and his faithful dog Yukon King! Sorry, I got carried away, but your picture always makes me think of that and smile.

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  5. Rant on, my brotha!!! All truth.

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  6. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy your rants? I love the mixture of outrage and humor. :)

    Hugs, Beth

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  7. poor Anoop; but at least he is really likable... there's a lot of other things he can well I'm sure

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