Ready. Aim. Rant.

Things that make me go WTF?

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Okay, so American Idol last night. Quick thoughts.

Paula Abdul's choreography was recycled from an old Brady Bunch episode.

David Archuleta will never be taller, but he will always be cut.

Lil and Anoop....BAM.....gone.

Freda Payne should know that you can't sing with a frozen face.

Thelma Houston should sue her hairdresser.

KC looked like a deer-who-can't-carry-a-tune-caught-in-the-headlights.

Simon's arm around Paula....WTF?

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Those new CIA memos revealing the truth about the Bush-Cheney Reign of Terror and Torture.

Let me cut to the chase, people. If you, or anyone you know or hear--this means you Elizabeth One-Brain-Cell Hasselbeck--uses the phrase "I don't condone torture, but....."

You condone torture.

Try this one: "I don't condone child molestation, but....."

Or howsabout: "I don't beat my wife except...."

Do you get it? Good. Then shut up.

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Matt Lauer and the Today Show. Pandering to the lowest common denominator. Matt seemed to drool a bit this morning, talking about the so-called Craig's List Killer, who stalks women via the web and then kills them and takes their panties home as some sort of trophy.

I think Matt may have been sporting a little bit of wood this morning every time he uttered the word panties.

But, Matt and Today, where is your reporting on the murder of transgendered woman Angie Zapata by psycho Allen Andrade? Was that story too icky for Matt to talk about? Did that story not have the word panties in it so it doesn't make the Today show?

Give it up, Lauer, you'll never be a newsman.

You're a talking head....a talking empty head.

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And Oprah. Why why why do I watch this media whore? Am I that lazy that I won't just reach for the remote before she speaks?

I was cooking dinner the other night, and for some reason Oprah suddenly appeared on my TV. An Act of God, you say? Perhaps. Maybe I just didn't switch the channel quick enough after The People's Court.

I digress.

But, having a skillet in one hand and a spatula in the other, I couldn't reach for my gun and blow a hole in the TV in time, so I heard her, and saw her. I thought about hurling the skillet through the screen, but then what would Carlos have for dinner?

She was fondly reminiscing about the Susan Smith case. You know, the woman who told everyone that a black man had carjacked her and taken her kids? But then it turned out that she strapped her kids into their car seats and rolled the car into a lake?

Okay, so Oprah, for some unfathomable reason, was showing an interview she did with Susan's husband on the five year anniversary of his son's murders. She is asking him if he visits their graves and, if so, what he says while there.

He chokes up and starts to cry. The camera does a quick cut to our hero, Oprah, as she dabs at the tears in her eyes and says, unbelievably, "This is so hard for me."

For you? Were those your sons in that car? Because I thought you were just the interviewer, and yet, with a quick switch from Camera One to Camera Two, you have become the story.
Look, everyone. Look how hard it is for Oprah?

Seriously, take your crocodile tears and have them made into a handbag or a pair of shoes and please stop talking!

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Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan

Lady GaGa

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That's all.