Bethenny v Kelly

I was worried about my girl Bethenny on last night's Real Housewives of New York because all week Bravo had advertised a Kelly-Bethenny smackdown, and we all know Kelly, who allegedly beat up her boy-toy a few weeks back, is a wack job.

It all began innocently enough, as all feuds do, two some-odd years ago when Kelly openly flirted with Bethenny's then-boyfriend right. in. front. of. her! No self-respecting woman--or gay man--would put up with that...or forget about it.

So, Bethenny doesn't like Kelly, and neither do I; that bitch scares me! She's got the crazy eye and the jitters and that oddly colored skin which runs the gamut from orange to tangerine to taupe.

Last week, at the Jill Stuart fashion show, Kelly tried to make small talk with Bethenny, which for her isn't hard because she's a small person, in manners and style and essence, not in actual height, because she's like Godzilla in short shorts!

Like I said, bitch scares me.

Bethenny gave curt one-word answers to Kelly's questions. We all know how it is; someone you don't like is asking questions and you give the shortest answer possible all the while looking in the opposite direction.

Later that same episode, Kelly shows up late for Jill's charity meeting. Jill is doing a charity to raise money for arthritis research because her daughter, Ally, suffers from the disease. When told of Ally's ailment, Kelly responded, "How cute!"

Asthma is cute? I guess if you're an amazon in a micro-mini it is.

But I digress. Here are some other Kelly-isms, Kelly-actions, Kelly-dos and Kelly-don'ts:

She told Luann she didn't want her name put on the charity invitation because she's a "private person;" a private person who lets cameras follow her around New York. Um.....okay.

She told Luann she wasn't sure she could help Jill with the cute arthritis charity because she barely has time for her own charities, and when Luann asked what charities she works with, Kelly said she doesn't do charity work. Huh? What? Huh?

She calls herself a journalist, and yet we only saw her "journalizing" once; maybe she meant to say she keeps a journal so she can account for that whole attack on Tokyo and battle with Mothra thing.

But the scariest thing about Kelly was the fight with Bethenny, because Kelly's up here--hand above head--and Bethenny's down there--hand at waist. And the fact that Kelly scheduled the fight with Bethenny then showed up a half-hour late, all wonky-eyed and bed-haired.

But I gotta give it to my girl Bethenny. While Kelly rants and wriggles and fidgets and fumes, Bethenny is still as can be, which only infuriates the monster more. Kelly can no longer stand to be around Bethenny and stomps off, only to lurk in a dark hallway to get in another jab.

We've all sparred with people like Kelly before and the best thing, and the worst thing, you can do is stay still and speak softly and calmly. I once had a run-in with a co-worker, a fiery Latina from Argentina. She ranted and screamed at me; spit flew from her lips and her eyes went wild; she yelled and stomped for five minutes and when she was done, I looked at her, smiled, and quietly said,

Ana, you're insane.

I think she literally exploded.

The old saying "Living well is the best revenge" is so right on.

Bethenny and me....separated at birth!