Monday, February 29, 2016

Oscars ... Observations ... Oscarvations ... Chris Rock ... Sarah Silverman ... And Hot Men

First things first: I thought Chris Rock nailed it. He brought up the #OscarsSoWhite controversy and made jokes about it, put it in its place, and offered up a solution, an idea, a way to make things more diverse, for actors and directors of all colors and genders and orientations and … and …
 “I’m here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White People’s Choice Awards.”
And so, let’s get on with it. First up is Emily Blunt, pretty and pink with a baby bump, and Charlize Theron, looking like the Devil wore Dior ... BEST ORIGINIAL SCREENPLAY … Spotlight … 

Ryan Gosling …HOT MAN ALERT … and Russell Crowe … Gosh, Russell, as Carlos pointed out, is old, but that Ryan Gosling is fine … and funny. He brought the high-larity to the Golden Globes with Brad Pitt and kept it up last night with Crowe ... 

“We have two academy awards between us.”

“Have you won one?”

“No, but you have two, so we have two between us.” 

… BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … The Big Short … Whoopi with a mop in Joy … Tracey Morgan as The Danish Girl … “These Danishes is good, girl.” … Whoopi with a mop in The Black Martian … 
“You realize if they nominated hosts, I wouldn’t even get this job! You’d all be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now.” 
The one spot where Chris Rock’s skills fell flat was having Stacey Dash … of Fox News … to come out as the Academy’s Minority Outreach Coordinator … Dash thought the whole #OscarsSoWhite mess was just dumb … as was this bit … Luckily Sarah Silverman came out to skewer James Bond … “[He’s] not a grower, or a shower.” … and noted that Bond has slept with 55 women in 24 films, and most of them wanted to kill him afterwards … Sarah introduces Sam Smith to sing “The Writing’s On The Wall” from Spectre … Sam is way too skinny these days and is really channeling some George Michael … hopefully he won’t channel him into the men’s room later on …
“No black nominees. People are like, ‘Chris you should boycott, Chris you should quit.’ How come it’s only unemployed people that tell you to quit something? … I thought about quitting. I thought about it really hard. But I realized they’re gonna have the Oscars anyway. They’re not gonna cancel the Oscars because I quit. And the last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart, okay?”
Kerry Washington and Henry Cavill … HOT MAN ALERT … with his shirt on, gosh darn-it ... introduce The Martian and The Big Short … JK Simmons presents … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS … Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl … Oy, that dress … a urine-stained sheet … but I loved Tom Hopper, her director, and his cute shy-guy wave from the audience … and the way Eddie Redmayne always seems to be on the verge of tears ....

Cate Blanchett is up next for BEST COSTUME DESIGN … Jenny Beavan for Mad Max: Fury Road … Carlos, who knows zero about pop culture and cannot remember who anyone is, remarked that Jenny looked like Bruce Vilanch … I choked on my tea … 

Chris Rock, on how Paul Giamatti is a great actor …
“Last year he was in Twelve Years a Slave and he hates black people. This year he was in Straight Outta Compton and he loves black people. Last year he was whupping Lupita and this year he was crying at Eazy E's funeral! Now that's range!”
Tina Fey and Steve Carrel step out for a little schtick about set design … “that thing where bears live” … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Mad Max: Fury Road … 

And then we have Margot Robie and Jared Leto … HOT MAN ALERT … to talk prosthetic penises and merkins … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP STYLING … Mad Max: Fury Road … followed by Benicio del Toro and Jennifer Garner introducing the next couple of Best Picture nominees … what an odd pairing … he’s so serious and she’s so cotton candy … The Revenant and Max Mad: Fury Road …
“Why are we protesting this Oscars? It’s the 88th Academy Awards, which means this ‘no black nominees’ thing happened at least 71 other times. You got to figure that it happened in the ’50s, in the ’60s. One of those years, Sidney didn’t put out a movie. I’m sure there were no black nominees some of those years, say ‘62 or ‘63. Black people did not protest. Why? Because we had real things to protest at the time. We were too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won best cinematography. When your grandmother’s swinging from a tree, it’s really hard to care about best documentary foreign short.” 
That one stung a little, but that’s the great thing about Rock’s comedy: it stings while it makes you laugh and makes you think … Rachel McAdams and Michel B. Jordan … HOT MAN ALERT … BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Revenant …
“Everybody went mad [this year] … Jada [Pinkett Smith] got mad. Jada said she’s not coming. Isn’t she on a TV show? Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited. I understand you’re mad. I’m not hating. … Jada’s mad her man Will [Smith] was not nominated for Concussion. I get it … It’s not fair that Will was this good and didn’t get nominated. You’re right. It’s also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for Wild Wild West, okay?”
Priyanka Chopra and Live Schrieber … HOT MAN ALERT … BEST EDITING … Mad Max: Fury Road, Margaret Sixel in sensible shoes … We have a Black History Month where Angela Bassett talks about that great actor, producer, singer … Jack Black …
“This year, things are going to be a little different. This year, in the In Memoriam package, it’s just going to be black people that were shot by the cops on their way to the movies … yes I said it!”
Chadwick Boseman and Chris Evans … DOUBLE HOT MAN ALERT … that’s what I call a Manwich … BEST SOUND EDITING …Mad Max: Fury Road … and BEST SOUND MIXING … Mad Max: Fury Road … Andy Serkis … the CGI actor from those hobbit movies and those ape movies …. BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Ex Machina …
"Things are changing. We got a Black Rocky. Some people call it Creed, but I call it Black Rocky. It takes place where white athletes are as good as black athletes. Rocky is science fiction. There are things that happen in Star Wars that are more believable than Rocky."
Jason Siegel and Olivia Munn appear to talk about the Sci-Tech Oscars … I get some more tea … C3PO and R2D2 and that little round one …  BB8 … the look on little Jacob Tremblay’s face was priceless … And Chris is back doing a riff … or a steal … of Ellen’s pizza delivery man from last year by having Girl Scouts sell cookies to the crowd … not so funny, that one … The Minions come out for BEST ANIMATED SHORT … Bear Stuff … followed by Woody and Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story …BEST ANIMATED FEATURE … Inside Out … Is it just me, or does anyone else hate this bit about having cartoons characters present awards? Yeah, probably just me … Kevin Hart in his little suit … I do not find him funny, though I liked his comments about black actors not being waylaid by the negativity of the #OscarsSoWhite and reminding us that one day, sooner, hopefully, this will all be a memory … The Weeknd sings “Earned It” from Fifty Shades of Gray … beautiful song, horrid film … I tried to watch it on cable and was bored about six minutes in …Chris Rock at a theater in Compton talking white films and black films and #OscarsSoWhite … pretty hilarious stuff …
“Is it smack a white man bad?”
“You go to jail for smacking a white man in LA.”
“You’d get three years for a hard look.”
Patricia Arquette … BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies … Rumor had it this one was going to Stallone … not so much … I worry that he might punch Rylance backstage …Louis CK … BEST DOCUMENSTARY SHORT … the awards for people who really need them because these Oscars don’t go home in limos, they go home in Honda Civics … A Girl In The River: The Price of Forgiveness … then Chris introduces the accountants … three small Asian children ...  and in case you found it offensive 
"If anyone is upset about that joke, just tweet about it on your phone that was also made by these kids."
Daisy Ridley and Dev Patel … why is he there … where has he been … BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … Amy … Whoopi is back again … side note: I saw a Tweet where the person Tweeting thought Whoopi was Oprah … Yeah, a black woman at the Oscars and it must be Oprah … or Cheryl Boone Isaacs, the president of the Academy … Bathroom Break … Louis Gossett Jr gets to introduce the Death Crawl, er, In Memoriam … Dave Grohl singing Blackbird Singing In The Dead of Night … Jacob Tremblay and Abraham Attah … cute kids … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … Stutterer … two winners, three people onstage …. Huh? What? … 

Byung Hun Lee … HOT MAN ALERT … and Sofia Vergara … BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM … Son of Saul … and then Joe Biden, Vice President Joe Biden, comes out to a standing ovation … maybe he should’a run for president ... to introduce Lady Gaga’s performance of “Till It Happens To you” about being raped and the rape culture, for both men and women, on college campuses … Gaga’s performance was amazingly beautiful … with rape survivors coming onstage at the end …
Chris Rock on this new trend of not asking the women “who” they’re wearing because they don’t ask the men … 
"If George Clooney showed up wearing a lime green tux, and a swan coming out of his ass, somebody would go, "Whatcha wearin', George?' "
Quincy Jones … too old now for Oscar because he rambled ... and the newly blond, but still short-pant wearing Pharrell … BEST ORIGINIAL SCORE … The Hateful Eight, Ennio Morricone … great score, but the images of Jennifer Jason Leigh ‘a’scurred me … John Legend and Common are up next … BEST SONG … Sam Smith and Jimmy Napes for “The Writing’s On The Wall” from Spectre … Jimmy Napes is Totes Adorbs …. Not so cute is Sacha Baron Cohen who appeared with Olivia Wilde and Her Breasts … He hijacks the moment to make a bunch of stupid jokes … they introduce Room and Brooklyn …
"Is Hollywood racist? You're damn right. But Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like, 'We like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.'"

JJ Abrams … HOT [NERDY] MAN ALERT … BEST DIRECTOR … Alejandro G. IñárrituThe Revenant … Iñárritu scores his second win in two years … he talks about diversity and skin color and moving past all that … and then Eddie Redmayne is out for BEST ACTRESS … Brie Larson, Room … sweet speech … Julianne Moore presents BEST ACTOR … his fingers are crossed, his toes are crosses … Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant … nice speech, well-rehearsed … he talks climate change at the end and how the film crew had to scout the glove looking for snow last year … and then the biggie … BEST PICTURE … Spotlight … I haven’t seen it, it comes to a theater near me next week so I’ll go … people assumed The Revenant might win but, yeah, no …

And that was the show … long, as usual, not a lot of surprises … well, Stallone going home empty … some dull spots, as usual … cartoon characters …. Sacha Baron Cohen … long speeches by people we don’t know … but all in all a good show made memorable by Chris Rock … #BlackActorsLivesMatter

6 comments:

"Tommy" said...

I truly loved Chris Rock's comments.... Great Review of the Oscar Night Too.

Blobby said...

it's so funny you mentioned that woman looking like Bruce Vilanch. I said the same thing while chatting live with my friend Mike. His response? "ouch!"

Biki Honko said...

Spotlight was riveting. It grabs you from the get go and doesn't let go. It still tip toes across my mind now and then and I saw it several months ago.

the dogs' mother said...

Only current movie I saw this year was The Martian. sheesh - without Bob I'd be totally clueless!

Raybeard said...

Thanks for this 'best bits' post, for someone who didn't bother to get out of bed at 2 a.m. to watch it.

Although I myself would have given the 'Best Picture' award to 'Bridge of Spies' I do feel great satisfaction at its having been won by 'Spotlight'. Anything that turns the, erm, spotlight on this dreadful and continuing gross scandal, and makes the R.C. Church squirm is worthwhile in my books. (I wonder what the 'official' Vatican view of this film is.)
We had on the news only yesterday the former Australian Archbishop of Melbourne giving evidence by video link from Rome on his alleged cover-up of an abusive priest, because he, now a Cardinal, was in too delicate a condition to travel to Australia. Oh, the poor man! We do, every one of us, hope he recovers his strength quickly.

Dave R said...

I didn't care for Chris Rock, but then he did what he was paid to do, make racist jokes about white people to a mostly white audience. Will it make a difference? Absolutely not. And ratings wise? Even though ABC is scrambling to come up with rationalizations and excuses, the show had the worst ratings ever - which was bad news when 3 money making films were vying for Best Picture, and mostly, I suspect, because of Chris Rock.