Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Ain't One To Gossip, But......

Ryan Seacrest got himself a girlfriend.
And I don't mean the "Hey gurl, what'chu wearin'?" kind.
I mean, a girlfriend of the female persuasion....who admits she turned down his advances ::::ick:::: for years because she thought he was a homo.
Julianne Hough has been dating Seacrest for months, and she wants all of us to know that, even though she thought he was gay for years, he isn't. He's a big burly manly man.....who likes to wear lip gloss.
Just sayin'.
Julianne Hough ALLEGEDLY told one of her friends--and by "friend" I mean someone who knows her but sells intimate details of her life to a magazine for a few bucks: "[Ryan] was after me since I was 18 ... he totally wasn't my type ... I thought he was gay. After a few years, he was persistent ... so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him."
Notice, however, that she didn't actually say he wasn't gay. She says she thought he was gay and then realized she likes him. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Y'all remember when Britney went crazy and shaved her head and lost custody of her kids and gave drugged out performances on MTV and lost control of her own life?
Yeah, well, do you remember that it was one Mister Mel-Racist-Homophobe-Misogynist-Alcoholic-Batterer-Gibson who promised us all he'd rescue her if she'd just take his advice?
And she didn't?
Well, now that the Crazy Shoe is on the other foot, folks are saying that Britney is reaching out to Mad Mel. A source--and by source I mean someone who knows neither Mel nor Britney--explains: “Mel has been talking to her a lot, they speak on the phone. Mel was one of the only people who reached out to help Britney when she was at her lowest point, and she believes that demonstrates what a loving and wonderful man he is. She wants people to give him a second chance — just like he gave her one when everyone else turned away.”
Hmmm, some say Britney's just being sweet, but I think she's drinking the CrazyAid again.
Mel needs more than a pop stars help. He needs a full-time team of therapists and doctors and guards with stun guns.

And, speaking of Britney.
Girl is having a crisis of the weave. See that picture? That is the back of multimillionaire and international pop sensation Britney Spears’ head.
It remind me of what happened to my sister's barbie dolls when she used to think she was Vidal Sasson and got Mom's scissors out of the kitchen drawer.
If she's trying to play the Crazy Card again, walking around like this will certainly help. I mean, why? She's a millionaire-with-two-dollar-hair.
Seriously, if I saw this girl walking the streets of Smallville, I'd think she was our resident meth-headed-call-girl Becky Sue. And I'd still cross to the other side of the street.,

Donald Trump is suing an airport.
I believe it's because they tried to make him check his hair because it didn't fit into the overhead compartment, but he says it's because the airport wants to expand.
Trump has filed a lawsuit against the Palm Beach International Airport to stop them from making it bigger because it's too close to one of his mansions, where he spends about four days a year.
And he isn't a fan of the noise and pollution associated with an airport any more than I'm a fan of the noise and pollution associated with anything Trump.
Still, his lawsuit has effectively put the plans on hold, but I think he'll have to cough up a ton of money to keep the airport from adding a second runway.
Hey, Here's an idea, Donny. Use the part in that wig of yours as a runway. Then you can name it TrumpWay and charge a fortune for people to land on it.
Win-win.

And now, from the Lindsane Files:
Jail makes for strange bedfellows.
I wouldn't know, having never spent time in prison, but this is what I'm told.
Lindsay Lohan will be spending a fortnight in a 12-by-8 cell, be separated from the other 1,800 prisoners, just like her frenemies, and former jailbirds, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Khloe Kardashian and 'Lost' alum Michelle Rodriguez.
But, it's Lindsay's current next-cell-neighbor that I find interesting.
It's Alexis Neiers, star of E!'s Pretty Wild, who resides in the cell next to Lindsane's. But, and here's the rub, Neiers is incarcerated for her part in a string of robberies that hit celebrity homes.
Like Lindsay Lohan's!
Although Neiers is locked up specifically for burglarizing Orlando Bloom's home, a watch stolen from Lindsay was found at the Neiers' home.
Strange bedfellows indeed.
And in more Lohan news, Judge Marsha Revel ordered that Lohan must not be released to house arrest or electronic monitoring and also slashed the 24-year-old's transition time between jail and her 90-day rehab stint from 48 to 24 hours.
Perhaps that little fuck u manicure pissed off the judge after all.



Oh, yeah, this is a good idea. Chris Isaak is apparently one of the top contenders to replace Simon Cowell on next season's American Idol.
Huh? What? Huh?
Though the audition process, AKA make fun of the crazies, began last week in Nashville, there has been no formal announcement on who gets Cowell's chair.
Other folks rumored to be in the running are:
Me! Hey! I sent in a tape and just because I haven't heard doesn't mean......oh, who am I kidding?
Still, former Sony Music boss, and ex-Mister Mariah Carey, Tommy Mottola wants in; as does Maddona's manager Guy Oseary, and Harry Connick Jr.
The Hollywood Reporter--AKA The New York Times of Hollywood--says that Isaak has met with show runners twice so far in pursuit of the gig.
Chris Isaak? Really? He's more Paula Abdul than Simon Cowell.
Hell, I may have to resubmit my tape............



No one cares.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's Us Weekly cover was a bust for the magazine because no one wants to see these two dimwits if they don't have to, and not one of the tabloids are willing to buy the photos that Mama Grizzly Bore's demon spawn is shopping of her and Levi together!
A source--and by source I mean receptionist at an unnamed tabloid--reveals: "Last week sales figures for Us Weekly were a huge disappointment. After spending that sort of money, Us was hoping to sell over a million copies; instead they only sold around 750,000. Don't expect to see any of the Palins on a cover of any other [celebrity] weeklies any time soon."

And as for their proposed Bristol-Levi-Bastard-Child reality show?
No one's biting because no one wants to watch it.
Like mother, like daughter. No.One.Cares.

5 comments:

Jim said...

Brittney and Lindsay... ya' gotta love 'em!
How 'bout that Paris Hilton too? She likes the weed it seems.

froggy said...

Is sad when your one contribution to society is selling magazines by being on the cover. Uber-sad that you aren't good at it.

Stan in NH said...

If I had to choose between you and entertainment magazine for who gives me the best news, I would have to choose you. It's not only my pop culture served with clever wit, charm, and banter, it's commercial free! I love it. OK, so I don't get to find out where I can buy the shirt you were wearing when you posted this report, or how much it will cost me. I will just have to live with that in exchange for good news with a twist of sarcasm. you can't just get that anywhere for any price.

R.J. said...

Julianne would make a great beard.
Right, Ryan? *laughs*

I kid. I think.

SteveA said...

I'm all up for Chris Isaak as a replacement for Simon on A-Idol! I think he's got sarcasm and can be honest as Simon!