DesignStar: Flower Power...or...Put The Petal To The Metal

As usual, the show begins with the losers from last week returning, minus one--Big Hat Trent--and within an instant of entering the apartment, Courtland declares that things will be better without Trent, because he is to blame for this lackluster season.

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Then Alex gets the I haven't proven myself so I have to step it up edit, which doesn't bode well for him this week. It's one of those normal competition catchphrases that I love, along with the effervescence of I'm not here to make friends and I'm in it to win it!

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THE CHALLENGE

This week’s challenge involves flowers. The designers are to make an evening gown entirely of items found in a flower shop and....what?....oh yeah.....That's Project Runway.

On DesignStar, the designers choose a flower that inspires them the most, and then the team's, Men and Women + Dan, flowers are bouquet'ed--I know, not a word--into one bunch and they will have to design a room where each of their flowers are represented, but the room must has a cohesive feel.

Suddenly, I'm struck with a great idea!

Why not combine Project Runway and DesignStar and have each designer pick an outfit off the runway and then form teams to design an apartment where each design is represented and yet the room is a cohesive blend of all the designs.

What's that? They've already done that this season?

Oh, maybe that's why this episode feels like a retread of something they've already done.

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MEN

They decide that their bouquet is clean and easy and soft and minimal--made up of Michael's Ranunculus, Tom's Tulip, Courtland's Calla Lily and Alex's Snapdragon.

At the space--a 650 square foot studio apartment--the men set about dividing the room into spaces, and seating areas....dining....sleeping...eating...flower arranging. Michael says that the Ranunculus makes him think of open shelving; I say Huh? Tom sees the room as more of flower form, not color, and sees the light through the petals and wants to create a luminous space.

I think Tom is luminous, but I digress.

Anyway, they want to use finishes and textures to play up what the flower represents, and decide to use an array of paint: matte and eggshell and semi-gloss. Alex, fearing the premonition of his earlier statement, takes charge of the paint order like a waiter tackling a party of twenty. He is scribbling and erasing and rewriting and muttering.

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This will come back to bite him in the ass. Which it does.

Alex bought the wrong paint. Flat. Flat? FLAT? Courtland goes all semi-gloss-apeshit: The number one rule is semi-gloss, semi-gloss, semi-gloss! It is the beginning of the end, I fear; Armageddon is upon us and it looks like flat white paint. Michael begins to hyperventilate and weep, mostly, I think, because he wants Tom and Courtland to hold him, because his idea of texture and tone and finishes, seems to fly out the window.

At this moment, I think I see the ghost of Joan Crawford enter the room and slap him, hard, across the face. For an instant, I actually like Joan Crawford.

Courtland Calla Lily turns his back on the Flat Wars, and wonders where oh where his flower will appear ion the room. And because he's building the shelves, he creates a story about how shelves are like Calla Lilies, not how Calla Lilies are like shelves. I smell desperation, and I am so hoping it's Low VOC Semi-Gloss desperation.

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Alex, also forgetting about his paintastrophe--not a word, I know--turns his attention to his Snapdragon art project, which is a series of squares painted in soft dreamy colors, hung on the wall. He is right on his A game.

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Tom races around the room like a bull in heat--I wish--huffing and puffing as he lifts lamps and rugs and vases and couches and even Courtland around the room. Each other man, except Alex, who is painting squares on his hand, does their impression of Tom doing his impression of Meg Ryan doing Sally's orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally.

All those men huffing and puffing. I need a break. So, while I'm away, take a look at the Men's Room, er, for lack of a better phrase.

WOMEN + DAN

Their bouquet represents all things romantic and Bohemian, with Nina's Orchid, Dan's Daffodil, Stacey's Carnation, Casey's Hyacinth and and Emily's Wax Flower Weed.

On the drive to the space, Dan tries to get the women to focus less on building and more on design so that he'll be able to have his voice, er, daffodil, heard. He, like any good man, just wants to shop instead of build. But Nina keeps muttering about building a coffee table.

Dan, I fear, is doomed.

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The women and Dan shop for furniture that has romantic shapes and lines because they're all about the romance. Look at the romantic legs on that desk.....ooh that chair is romantic.....kiss me, Dan. At the apartment, they decide to use Nina's tried-and-true-because-she's-done-it-once-already-this-season method of taping the walls and creating moldings. I feel sleepy because I have seen this before.

As usual, Dan the builder comes out, and he's hammering and sawing and hanging and screwing.....screwing himself out of the competition, I fear. The only saving grace was that there was a nice lingering camera shot on Dan's, er, derriere as he left the apartment to get back to his woodworking shop.

The ladies, well, not Nina because she's a bitch, worry that Dan isn't doing enough of his own design work. Nina, instead, calls Dan her assistant. I shout at the TV: Dan! Look out for that bus! Nina's driving it right at you!! Dan! Daaaaaaaaan!

Nina puts her bus driving license away long enough to create a mural for the wall; another idea that she has trotted out and beaten to death right before our eyes. A mural? With bold colors and squiggly lines? She.Is.A.Genius!

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Take a look:

THE JUDGES WALKTHROUGH

This time the teams are allowed to stay in the presence of the Three Queens as they tour the spaces. This way they get to hear them mutter and stammer and order gin martinis.

In the woman's, and Dan's, apartment, the muttering includes We’ve seen that before which is said in front of a never-before-scene mural. There is a bit of I don't see anyone in this room when they tour the men's bedroom.

I think that's crazy talk. I see all of the men in that bedroom, I shout.

For me, the women's apartment is too much. The wall color and the fake moldings; that mural....Nina; it's kind of a mishmash to me. But the men's space seems, well, soft and clean and minimal, which is what they set out to do.

THE JUDGING

Monkey wrench!

The judges no likee either team completely so they'll evaluate each one individually.

They call out names: Nina, Courtland, Dan...who says Thanks...signalling that he doesn't know good design from a hammer, and Alex.

Bottom Four!

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The judges likee Tom's luminosity and biceps, or was that just me. They also give props to Casey, Stacey, Michael, and Emily, though no one wins or has immunity or has to take their shirt off. No ladies, not you.

Nina, Courtland, Dan and Alex head off to make their host presentations.

In the judges chambers, they begin to rip apart the designers, from stem to petal.

Courtland starts to talk about the Calla Lily and how it blankets itself and how that means he wanted the shelving to represent the flower. Shy little paint chipper, Alex, perhaps still reeling from Courtland's semi-gloss barbs, announces it was Michael who wanted the bookshelves. Courtland stammers, Wow! I hear the roar of the bus engine.

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Dan talks endlessly about daffodil clusters, and clusters of daffodils in the fields of Arkansas. But when the judges say they don't see his design aesthetic--I always wanted to say aesthetic--he tries to defend his construction projects, pointing out that the swing Nina commanded him to build is really a swing.

Vern stomps his little feet--well, to be fair, he doesn't actually stomp them since, from a sitting position they don't reach the floor--and shouts, You're not a contractor, Dan! Dan winces. The writing seems to be on the wall, and it says, Bye-bye.

Then, in pure Nina style, she claims she is all over that room, from the bold paint choices to the couch--that she personally selected--to the fabrics. I think she even put in the windows, hung the balcony, and wired it for WiFi. She does not, however, mutter much about the mural, which is good because I think Candice would have Joan Crawford'ed--I know....not a word--her.

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Alex, poor muttering, mono-syllabic Alex, says his Snapdragon is simple, like asparagus. Candice falls off her chair, and points out that nothing about the Snapdragon is simple; only Alex seems simple.

But then it happens. Alex, perhaps recalling his show opening declaration of stepping up his game, announces that what the Snapdragon really represents is not fluffy or frilly or flowery, but strength and determination. Shocked at the nerve of him to speak out in their presence, the Three Queens do, however, give him credit for speaking from the heart.

THE HOST CHALLENGE

Dan is friendly, and cheerful, like a daffodil, but he stammers and warbles,and doesn't so much as talk of his flower design--in fact he never utters the word daffodil--as much as he talks about his construction business and points at stuff. In the end, he sits on the bed, in defeat.

Alex, on the other hand, seems self-assured, and talks of the strength of the flower, and how he brought that into the room. He is stepping it up, and the judges see that.

We hear them muttering about changing their minds, and announce that Contractor Dan will take his tools and leave.

Some where in the distant I hear a bus horn followed by a manly scream.

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