The Daily Delusional: Dina Lohan

I will admit that I have enjoyed making a crack or two about Lindsay Lohan--Get it? Crack? Lohan?--but I will also admit that i feel bad for any person who grows up with a mother as delusional as Dina Lohan.

Dina feels she needs to speak for Lindsay, and probably pocket a check or two since she only talks to "news" outlets that pay for interviews, which i find odd. I mean, when Lindsay's father, Michale, talks to the press, Lindsay gets crazed, so maybe mama sharing the famewhoring money and that's why Lindsay likes it.

In Touch Weekly, a haven of journalistic integrity, just paid, I mean, sat down with, Dina Lohan , to get the latest scoop on soon-to-be-jailbird, Lindsay, and Dina gave all of her typical responses: Lindsay's innocent! Lindsay's sober! The California Judicial system is abusing me daughter! Lindsay's just a child and all children get two DUI's and steal cars and are found with cocaine and and and.......

How does Lindsay feel about going to jail?

When the decision came down, it was horrific. We hugged and cried a lot. But we’re optimists. Lindsay is sober and she’s fine. I don’t want to speak hypothetically [about jail] because she’s not going to be in that situation.

Um, Dina, Mother Of The Year, when the "decision came down" you weren't even there. You didn't arrive at your poor daughter's side for a week, though you did manage to give several interviews on the subject.

But the judge says she has to be in jail by July 20.

We’re taking it one day at a time. I don’t know what the outcome will be.

The outcome is jail and rehad, somnething which your daughter needs and just may save her life.

What have you said to your other children about Lindsay going to jail?

I don’t have to tell them anything. My son is 22 and graduated summa cum laude and he knows. My other son is 14 and he’s out on the lacrosse field getting ridiculed. Ali is in school with these girls being mean to her because of this situation. It’s not easy being us.

It's not easy being "us"? You gotta be effin' kidding me. Your daughter, Dina, you utter moron, is in this mess because of her own sense of entitlement, and your own sense of entitlement. If your other kids are being ridiculed, well, that's what kids do, but you can help by not making excuses for Lindsay. That's be good parenting, something you know nothing about. Poor you.

When people say, “What did you do for her, Dina?”, how do you respond?

She went to rehab before the court ordered her. When I put my daughter in rehab, I knew she needed it. In 2007 — not currently.

Oh, Dina, you should work for the Tea Party because you are so good at rewriting history. You didn't put Lindsay in rehab, in fact, you fought against it, saying her career would be ruined She went into rehab to avoid jail time, asshat.

Is Lindsay 100 percent sober now?

Yes.

You'll notice the use of the word "sober," applying, for the most part to alcohol. The question wasn't asked How many different prescriptions does Lindsay take each day? That might have elicited a different response though i doubt it. The truth and Dina Lohan have never met.

Kids lie to their parents. Do you think she’s ever been dishonest to you about drinking or drugs?

I’m going to keep it general. I give my kids enough room — I don’t smother them. I think you have to let them make their own failures to make success. We’re all going to fail at one point at something.
Yeah, keep it "general," Dina. Your daughter lies outright, like when she said she hadn't missed a single meeting of her alcohol classes, until the administrators who run the classes say she missed seven. And, by give them room and not smothering them, what Dina means is that when she and seventeen-year-old Lindsay went out clubbing, they had separate tables.

As a smoker, how will Lindsay deal with not being able to smoke in jail?

When the time comes, she probably will have to get hypnotized, but again, we’re hoping it doesn’t come to that.

My hearts bleeds for her that she won't be able to smoke. Not.

What is she the most scared of about jail?

She is claustrophobic, so she’s in fear of that.

Sounds like another Lohan excuse. Don't send this person to jail, this person who has broken the law many many times, and then thumbed her nose at the system, because she doesn't like confined spaces. Too effin' bad.

What are you most scared of?

If Lindsay went to jail, I would fear for her life. Jail doesn’t help anyone no matter what problem you have — unless you’re a rapist or a murderer. This wasn’t a violent crime, but they’re saying you miss a DUI class and have to go to jail for three months — that’s absurd.

She didn't miss one class, Dina, stop making excuses. She missed at least seven, and when she did arrive at the classes, the administrators said she was always late, always rude, and always on the phone. She didn't take her probation seriously,m and this is what happens to criminals who do that.

Are you worried about Lindsay overdosing now?

Every mother worries about their children every day, all the time.

Oops, that was a slip, because most mothers, when asked that question, say My child doesn't have a drug problem, so there is no fear of an overdose.

What are Lindsay’s goals for the future?

Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here [in LA] and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don’t fall through the cracks in this town. She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She’s really growing up.

Always best to end with a joke! The Lindsay Lohan Drug Treatment Centers For Wayward Celebs? Dina, if she said this, she's as stupid as you; if you made this stuff up, you're as delusional as your daughter. Lindsay wants to be famous and party, You want to be famous and party. That's the two of you, so don't paint Lindsay Lohan as some sort of Mother Teresa Wannabe.

You need help, Dina.

Dina Lohan. The Daily Delusion.

Delusional Daily.