Top Chef: How Ya Gonna Keep 'Em Down On The Farm After They've Seen D.C.?

As usual, the show opens with one chef pondering those who have gone before. This week, it's Kenny talking about the friendships and the camaraderie. Speaking of camaraderie, out on the patio, Angelo hits on Tamesha, talking in that low voice about wanting to "extract" her passion.

Yeah. Right.

Upstairs, Ed is hitting on Tiffany, though there is no talk of passion extraction, just of liking one another.

Upstairs? High school.

Patio? Porn.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

Guest judge, and big winner of some chef-y type award, and wearer of the scariest smile this side of Stephen King's It, is Patrick O'Connell, who announces that the chef have crabs....to prepare. Of course, Angelo, the King Of Patio Porn, admits he's had crabs, and no one, NO ONE, is surprised.

I watched in amazement as the chefs beat the crabs over the head...or cut off their claws....or slit them stem to stern. Rare that you must first bludgeon your protein before you cook it.

Ed goes more Asian this week, while Angelo, who takes it as a personal affront, goes less Asian.

Andrea mentions she likes Stone Crabs, not Blue Crabs...she likes a meatier crustacean, but don't get me started on her first husband!

Ba dump bump! I'll be here all week.

The rest of the chefs alternate between crab soup and crab salad, which implies that the chefs are all one-note chefs, or that there really isn't much you can do with crab; unless you're Kenny.

He makes a Crab Trio...one Crab on trumpet, one on keyboards, one on bass...Again.....Here...All week. Seriously, though, he does Crab Bisque, Crab Bruschetta, and Crab Salad. And lands in the favorites category. And is certain his dish, er, dishes, will win.

Not so Amanda, whose dish was called pungent, and she asked if that was good. Honey? Pungent is rarely good. Andrea gets called out for a heavy potato, whatever that means, and Kevin is confused as to why he's been in the bottom the last four challenges. He, however, is the only one confused by his performances.

Favorites are The Chef Kenny Trio, Angelo's Less-Than-Asian, and Ed's Terrific Thai. The music soars, the drums beats, who will win? Angelo? Kenny? Kenny? Angelo?

It's Ed. And he gets immunity. And he gets the, "I won! Now, I just have to keep the momentum going edit

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

The chefs will be cooking locally grown, organic foods, provided by Ayrshire Farms--pronounced Asher Farms...No one tell Arizona, lest they try to deport the farm for spelling like an illegal--but will not know what kind of food, or what kind of kitchen until they arrive the next morning.

I'm thinking little pots of sterno and EZ Bake ovens because, well, that's what I'd do.

At the Cheftestant Mansion, they gather in the kitchen and the bickering ensues. Who's in charge? Who wants teams? Who wants which dish? They have been ordered to make a minimum of six dishes to serve, family style, to forty people. It's gonna get ugly.

Kenny and Angelo instantly go all Alpha Dog on the group, each one battling for supremacy. I yell at the screen, Just unzip already, pull 'em out, and measure 'em.

Bravo! Watch what happens.

Tiffany happens.

She snaps her neck and the group snaps back into semi-order. I myself sat up straighter out of the fear that Tiffany would appear magically in Smallville, and bitchslap me for not paying attention. Girl means bidness.

Kenny then calmly suggests they pair up into the same teams they were on the last challenge. Six teams to make six dishes for forty people.

Sounds good. But then Alex, obviously not a math whiz, suggests four teams. 40 ÷ 6 ÷ 4 = disaster!

Not to be outdone in the s Setting Up For Disaster group, Stephen suggests a fruit platter for dessert. I suggest Stephen get back into his time machine and go home to the 1960s and his Tupperware Party

Fruit platter indeed!

However, an actual dessert is suggested and all the cheftestants go ape. Dessert Goes Home, is a hard and fast Top Chef Rule, and Angelo, poppin' his neck and crackin' his knuckles, Will.Not.Make.Dessert.

As Oz The Great and Powerful, he has spoken, and the groups are now set...just like last week. Ed weeps because he's with Alex, and he sits at the table mooning over Tiffany, who's pissed because she's hooked up with Tim again.

The Second Dates from Hell, if you will.

There is lots of stolen glances, and grimaces around the manse as the chefs work together in team fashion.

That, however, won't last long.

At the farm, they find tables of pork and lamb and chicken and duck, oh my; and all sorts of vegetables, and something called the Toyota Pantry...which I assume is a 2011 model...and propane grills and hot plates. It's gonna get ugly, and fast.

The chefs begin battling for meat and veg and pantry; there's pushing and shoving and someone crying, No fair. This One Team Becomes Six Teams Challenge is quickly becoming the Me! Me! Me! Challenge.

Stephen opts for a salad because he doesn't want his to be the "forgotten side dish." I don't know about you, but I have enjoyed many a six course meal and after finishing, and unbuttoning my pants, I have NEVER announced, Man! That was SOME salad.

Amanda is making what she terms a "pedestrian" Minestrone, and I wonder if she means it could be served on the street or simply tossed in the gutter.

Tim and Kelly do a beet barter and turnip trade, which I think would work on Wall Street and should have added it to the reforms had I been asked.

Tamesha is making a cherry compote that Angelo calls sexy--he is still working on his Passion Extraction--while he announces that he having sex with a duck that he butchered and rendered the fat from and cooked to perfection.

Run, Tamesha! Soylent Green is people!!! It's people!

Ed and Alex, Team Mismatch, are making a stuffed filet and a "scrap sauce." I know! I was thinking sCRAP sauce, too.

Kevin's Cauliflower CousCous throws itself off a table rather than be judged harshly by Padma, and he scrambles to make a less suicidal Broccoli CousCous, even though Angelo suggested scooping the couscous off the cow pasture and serving it anyway.

Note to self--oh hell, note to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU:

Never eat at Angelo's. You have no idea where his food's been, or what he's done to it!

Kelly, who made an Apple-Beet Sauce for Andrea's pork, decides she has time to make a Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp for dessert. I watch in horror as she preps what is sure to be her doom.

I sense packed knives in her future!

Tim, whose partnered with Tiffany, who says working with Tim is like working alone, turns beloved Turnip Mousseline into roasted turnips with asparagus because he has no clue as to what he wants to do. I think he wants to turn his time on Top Chef into time off.

He is the King Of The Second-Guessing. A rich turnip-and-potato mousseline becomes rustic roasted turnips and potatoes, which, in turn, becomes a side dish to the side dish or asparagus.

THE JUDGING

Stephen's Salad-I-in-a-bowl is a travesty, causing Guest Judge O'Connell to screech: Off with his head...of lettuce.

Amanda's Pedestrian-Eat-Your-Heart-Out-Progresso Minestrone is called out for the sin of different sized, differently cooked vegetates, while Tim's Turnips leave the judges with no feeling whatsoever.

Kevin and Kenny's Curried Eggplant and I-Want-To-Live Broccoli CousCous are big hits, but Tiffany's undercooked Collards are a mishmash. Andrea's pork gets raves, as does Kelly's Beet-It-Apple Sauce and her Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp.

What's this? A dessert that they judges like? Has the curse finally been lifted?

Angelo and Tamesha's Sexy Duck and Cherry Compote leave the judges feeling so-so and I'm feeling that, perhaps, the passion won't be extracted. This episode. Ed and Alex score no points for stuffing a perfectly good filet. Alex Ripert, much to my chagrin, doesn't like to stuff his beef, and that's all I'm saying.

THE DECISION

Kenny, Kevin, Andrea and Kelly are the Top Four, but Kenny gets the win for his curry, which even Padma likes, and she's a whore for curry. In the Stew Room, there is much applause for Kenny, except for Angelo, who pouts and ooglie-eyes Tamesha.

The Bottom Four are Bad Soup, Really? Salad? and Turnip Tragedy.

Amanda gets called out by Eric Ripert for making a Minestro-No-No, and Tom busts her chops about Uniformed Vegetables. Padma calls her soup amateurish and O'Connell says it's like Grandma would have made "with an axe."

I wanna meet that Friday The 13th Grandma!

Tim gets read the Riot Act because he wanted mousseline then he wanted roasted vegetables and then he tossed in asparagus.

And, while I wanted Grandma's Amateur Minestrone to go, Tim's Turnips did him in, as turnips are apt to do. But he left graciously, saying nice things to all the chefs.

On a side note: I do love how, when the losing chef leaves, the other chefs at least give him an ovation, before slamming him and talking behind his back about his awful awful dish.

They were raised right.