Top Chef: It's in The Picnic Basket

Well, the shows opens with some chef's pondering. Amanda, The Brown-Haired-Sister-from Insert Sitcom Name Here. gives us the obligatory, Take-It-One-Day-At-A-Time speech, while Kenny, AKA Veteran Character Actor James Earl Jones, gets the Letter-From-Home. Angelo, The Random Hot Guy, sits in the garden and contemplates his place in the universe.....okay, so he was really worrying about Kenny, while Arnold, The Gay One, reminds us that NOW it's a competition.
Because it was n't during the first two challenges. Uh-huh.
In the kitchen, Padma waits with Gail and Johnny Iuzinni, who apparently flew in from a Grease Three audition, to judge a pie making contest.
WTF? Pies? pastry? Top Chef?
The chefs have two hours to make a pie, and spend the first thirty minutes or so complaining that pastry makers always go home. Tiffany, speaking for the group, screams, Noooooooooooo! while Stephen looks mortified. Arnold admits that he doesn't know where pies, or babies, for that matter come from. I'm about to say The freezer section at Kroger, when Arnold mutters something about pies living in the clouds with unicorns.
Okay. Pies. And the Judges.
Angelo, speaking low and sexy this episode, and I'm liking it, decides to trick his brain into thinking he's not making a pie, and creates a Curried Sweet Potato Pie, which the judges find, er, nice.
Kenny, who is Angelo's archenemy, makes a Bananas Foster Pie with Chinese Five Spice, and Johnny Iuzinni is surprised. In the 1950s, where he lives, there's no such thing as Chinese Five Spice.
The judges find Amanda's Apple-Whiskey-Rosemary Pie to be just so, while Stephen's Curry-Apple-Whiskey-Date Pie seems oddly familiar. Yeah, you just tasted it at Amanda's table.
Kelly's Raspberry Chocolate Ganache goes over big, for being so simple, while Ed's Banana Cream Pie with Salted Peanuts, Celery Espuma, Two Tickets tot the World Cup, and a free DVD of Top Chef Season One, gets called out for being over ingredient-ed.
Ingredient-ed? Is that a word? Yeah, it is now.
Arnold's Kalamansi Key Lime Parfait with Korean Sake Sauce gets a pass, and Rosie's, er, Tracy's, Blueberry Crumbling gets low marks. Tiffany's Peach Cobbler looks a little burned, but she says it's the molasses, and Lynne's Mango Pie with Basil Crust, made from absolutely no recipe whatsoever, is pleasing. That leaves us with Alex's White Chocolate Tapioca Pie with Chevre and an Almond Crust, which is actually called out as a Quiche In Pie Clothing.
Alex, Tracy, and Ed are the worst of the worst, and Kelly and Stephen get high praise.
But Kenny gets the Coveted Pastry win, and immunity in the elimination challenge.
Which is to create a picnic for Washington interns at Mount Vernon. I will refrain from Blow Job Jokes....if I can.

Alex of The Reverend Jim Crazy Eyes is excited because he is apparently a childhood griller.
And, in honor of his childhood, he makes Pork Butt with lemongrass, and a Polenta cucumber Salad.
He also makes the first, and thankfully only, joke about interns.
At the picnic, Gail is into Alex's Pork Butt, and I'm speaking on-camera, not off. But this news comes as no surprise to her co-judges who find his food just okay.


Andrea, still playing the supporting role that Joanna Kerns made so famous on Growing Pains, makes Root Beer Glazed Skirt Steak with an American Potato Salad.
Andrea is one of those Middle-Of-The-Pack cheftesatnts. She isn't good even for screen time, nor is she bitchy enough for screen time.
The judges cannot get beyond the Root Beer glaze on the steak, and neither can any of the picnic goers except for one rather rotund fellow sitting on the grass.
Note to Andrea: Root Beer is for floats, not Steaks.

Arnold doesn't like the challenge because grilling clogs the pores, and any good diva knows skin care is more important than food. But he perseveres and decides to make Lamb Balls; Arnold likes balls. This much I knew.
At the picnic Arnold looks at the Weber grill as though it's some kind of hair dryer, but then realizes he's supposed to cook on it, or, um, in it, or something. He watches Kenny light his grill, and very quickly Arnold's "flame goes poof." Like you thought it wouldn't.
The judges love Arnold's Balls, which I'm sure makes Arnold's flame go even poofier

Kevin, whom I see as more of a Telemundo Drew Carey, decides to go all Puerto Rican on the grill; sharks and jets.
He makes Flank Steak, Rice and Beans, and a Tomato Avocado Slice that he dubs a salad..
The judges search in vain for flavor.
The meat s'okay, but the rice is overcooked and the beans are undercooked. And the salad is a throwaway.
Literally.


Rosie O'Donnell, er, Tracy promises to make sausages, though I'm not sure she's, um, er, familiar with the sausage, if you get my meaning. With Arnold declaring his love for balls, I wonder she didn't ask for help encasing her sausages; Arnold, by all accounts, should be an expert.
In the kitchen, Tracy is a one-woman show--Sugar Snap Peas Put Your Back Into It!--until she suddenly realizes she cannot make a sausage; Told you so! She opts for an Italian Slider, with Tomato, Cucumber, Onion Salad, and a Pepper Relish.
The judges think the sliders are too big to slide down anyone's throat but Gail's, and find some of them over cooked, some with too much fennel, and none that are just right..

Amanda, who proves herself a demon at Whole Foods, running down women and old people, gives us a clue into her past. She lost her 20s because of a love for all things Cocaine and pills, followed by a desert of "anything I could get my hands on."
In the kitchen, she and The Reverend Jim go at it over who gets the oven. Alex's food is in it, Amanda's name was on it. So, she took his stuff out and he calls her a bitch. Tom comes in as the fight rages and when he asks Amanda about it, she tells him she lives her life by "Prison Rules." Tom says he's never been to prison, and Amanda, says, Yeah.......................me neither. Uh huh.
Amanda serves up her Ribs with grilled asparagus. The judges love the flavor of the ribs and Jonathan Waxman loves the grilled asparagus. Really Waxman? Grilled asparagus is such a treat? Of, are you trying to get a connection from Amanda?

Kelly, another quiet one who apparently doesn't work in the Top Chef kitchen, chose to make a Bison Burger with a Watermelon and Tomato Salad.
The judges call the burger a Bland Bison Burger, which is apropos of a Bland Bison Burger Chef.
Like Meg Ryan, whom she resembles, I think Kelly's career on Top Chef is coming to an end.


Lynne, or Infomercial Mom, makes Leg'o'Lamb with Zucchini Spaghetti and Balsamic Onions.
Presumably without a recipe because she is simply that good.
Ah, but the judges beg to differ.
For them, this culinary professor's food is a big cheese heavy, in both flavor and presentation.
Lynne gets out a ShamWow and cleans up her station, and makes a few bucks selling Susan Lucci Moisturizers, and Suzanne Somer's ThighMasters.

Kenny goes all sentimental with the I-Remember-Daddy montage, and decides to go with Harisa Pork Loin and Quinoa Salad.
Personal note to readers: Carlos and I have been eating Quinoa for the last month or so, instead of couscous or rice, and it's very good, and good for you. Toast the Quinoa in a dry skillet first, before making, and it takes on a slightly nutty flavor. Personal note, over.
The judges love Kenny's food, but he has immunity so I don't see him in the top four.

Tim goes for the Randy Jackson Two Meat Approach to grilling, because, he, too, was grilling as a child. Sidenote: Did any of these chef's parents ever cook for them? I mean, it sounds like a Hard Knock Life.
Tim throws in some grilled veggies with his Duo'o'Pork, and as he's serving, a goose flies overhead, and let's loose a Goose Pate Bomb on his table. Omen?
Well, kinda sorta.
The judges like his meat, but think his sides are all wrong.

Angelo, low and sexy, like his food, thinks Asian is the perfect picnic.
And by Asian, I was hoping he meant Arnold, but no luck.
He makes Vietnamese Lettuce Wraps, and Smoked egg Salad.
At the picnic they love his food, but in the judging room Tom says it was, er, um, well, nice.
Nice? Nice ain't gonna win 100K.
I fear Angelo's low and sexy voice will soon turn mean and nasty.

Tootie, Tiffany, Tootie makes a Tamarind Glazed Salmon, with Israeli couscous.
Her food makes as much of an impression on the judges as she does with the viewing audience, because I'm constantly saying, Who's that? Oh, yeah, Tiffany's on the show, too.
She'd better up her skills, or go completely nuts if she wants to make her short stay on Top Chef profitable.
I'm not seeing Fifteen Minutes of Fame.....I'm seeing about A Minute-Thirty.

Ed does a Moroccan Tuna sandwich with Lentil Hummus and Stewed Peppers.
In the kitchen, when Tom asks if he's doing too much, Ed goes all Deer In The Headlights on us.
But then he bounces back, paying tribute to his father for giving him the chance to cook and grill. Then suddenly, without warning, Ed throws his own father under the bus by saying, "he hasn't done half the stuff I've done."
I sense a Dickhead Edit for Ed, AKA Biff from Back To The Future, even though the judges love his fish, calling it perfect picnic food.


Stephen, who, like Cliff Claven from TVs Cheers, knows everything and can do no wrong, in his own mind at least, opts for a Bacon Wrapped Sea Bass. He says the bacon will keep the fish moist and it'll be a nice crispy wrap on the bass. Stephen says he's a shoe-in for the top spot.
Uh, not so much.
The judges find the fish overcooked, stringy and tough, and the crispy bacon is nearly raw. i think Stephen should have wrapped the bacon in the sea bass, or maybe just should have stayed home.

Tamesha, who I don't think cooked in the Top Chef kitchen because I never saw her after that whole pie nonsense, does Caramel-Spy Glazed Skirt Steak, with a Fennel Citrus Salad.
Jonathan Waxman the Grill King from the Country of Weber, doesn't care for Tamesha's glaze because it has no flavor.
Neither does Tamesha. I think she ought to start channeling her Inner Angela Bassett if she wants to keep cooking.

During the commercial break we learn that Tracy is a clairvoyant, but I'm guessing it doesn't apply to her own future.

Padma asks to see the Top Four: Angelo, looking all low and sexy, Arnold, riding high on his Lamb Balls, Amanda, riding high, and Ed.
Jonathan Waxman declares Arnold the winner! The Gay One got the Gay Win, and he does a little Gay win Dance in honor of it.
When leaving the Judging Chambers, Amanda says being in the Top Four is the same as winning. Really Amanda, does the Top Four get anything at the end of the show? No, it's called TOP Chef, not Top FOUR Chef.

Bottom Four: Tim of the overcooked-undercooked vegetables, along with Tracy of the Anti-Sausage, Stephen of the overcooked-undercooked fish and bacon, and Kevin, who dissed the PR with his bland dish.

Finally, Tracy gets a glimpse of the future and she sees her knives packing themselves and going. Buh-bye Rosie!
Sugar Snap peas and put your back into it!