Happy [belated] Birthday Lindsay

Y'all know that Lindsay Lohan and I are BFF's, right? I mean, that is until she beat me out for the starring role in Mean Girls, and then I bested her in getting the part of Drag Queen #7 in the Smallville Follies. There was some resentment, some bitterness, and I did want to wish her a happy birthday this past week, but I didn't bother. And, now, I'm left baking a cake with a file in it.

Lindsay's going to jail.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days [30 days for reckless driving in which she drove into the bushes and fled the scene; 30 days for a DUI she received that night, before she was 21; and 30 days for a DUI she received two months later] followed by a 90-day in-patient rehab program for violating probation on the DUI cases.

This is the life of a twenty-four year old woman.

Lindsay spoke to the court before sentencing: "I wasn't expecting any special treatment aside from the understanding that I have to provide for myself, I have to work. My schedule is, unfortunately, very different. Having said that, I did do everything I was told to do and did the best I could to balance jobs and showing up....I'm not taking this as a joke. It's my life, it's my career....I've learned from my experiences, I take responsibility for my actions, I've tried to do the best I can."

Not so, said the judge. And, to be honest, Lindsanity may end up serving only 23 days of the 90 sentence, which leads one to ask: Why sentence someone to 90 days? Just give them the 23.

And while I have made light of Lindsay's issues with substance abuse and alcohol abuse, along with the stories of her stealing things that don't belong to her, I feel bad for the old gal.

If someone, anyone, including that Enabling-Media-Whore-Mother-Of-Hers had ever said to Lindsay, Enough! she might not be going to jail and rehab right now. But she has been coddled and babied and allowed to live her life with no consequences for far too long, and this is the result.

Enabling-Mother-Dina-Lohan, who couldn't be bothered going with her oldest daughter to court--she was probably meeting her dealer--said, as soon as the verdict was announced: "This is so not fair to do this to my child."

Hey Dina, you moron. Lindsay is no longer a child. She is a twenty-four-old woman with an addiction to drugs and alcohol. She crashed a car two months before turning 21, fled the scene, and was subsequently caught, where her Blood Alcohol Level tested at 0.16 [twice the legal limit] and she tested positive for cocaine. She also said she wasn't driving, which turned out to be a lie. Two months later she commandeered, er, stole, a car, and chased someone through the streets of LA at 80 miles an hour, and once again was stopped. She lied, again, and said she wasn't driving; she was. She said she wasn't drinking; she was. She tested positive for cocaine.

This is not a child, Dina. Get it through your fat fame-obsessed head. This is a drug addict and alcoholic who needs help, and not the kind you offer.

I'll be sending my cake to the Beverly Hills Jail.

Happy Birthday Lindsay. And instead of getting gifts from everyone else, why not give yourself a gift and get your fucking life together.