Guests Are Like Fish......

...after three days they begin to smell.
Or, in our case, our guest began to smell after just a few hours.
An old friend of Carlos' was driving from New York City to Miami and decided to drop in, and stay the night. I was at work when the phone rang.
Hello?

Yes, may I speak to Bob please?

Knowing it was Carlos, I mean, how can you miss his accent:
What do you want? Said with love. He laughs.

Do you remember that movie with Sidney Poitier?

I'm gonna need a little more than that.

Guess Who's Having Dinner? Yes, he said it.

Oh God No!

Yes. He just called. He's going to stop and spend the night on his way to Florida.

I'll be staying at the Colony Inn if you need me.

Okay, so I didn't stay at the Colony Inn . I did go home. And The Friend was there. The Friend likes to push people's buttons to get a reaction. You'd think The Friend was under 10, but he's over sixty. Button Pusher.
So The Friend says Carlos took him around and showed him all of the best cruising areas in Smallville. Really, I say. Hmmm.
Then The Friend says, I heard about your dinner with the husband swappers.
Carlos and I had cocktails with another gay couple and of course, The Friend's mind heads right into the gutter.
I say, Yes, we did. it was fun. And I head back to the office to check my email. The Friend and his dog--did I mention he dropped by with his dog?--are wandering through the house; our cats have gone into seclusion...the FPP...Feline Protection Program. The Friend comes back to the office where I'm sitting at the desk.

I like your new furniture.

Thanks.

It was nice of you to pick all of it out.

I didn't pick it all out. Carlos and I chose it together.

Well, I don't know about that. But I love those new green chairs in the living room. Your choice?

Nope, those are chairs Carlos found.

I doubt that. I saw the furniture in his house in Miami.

OUR house in Miami.

The Friend decided it was time for bed.
The next morning Carlos makes cafe con leche, as usual, for our breakfast, and makes one for The Friend. He sets a breakfast table, and calls The Friend, who comes to the table on his Blackberry, gulps down a few pieces of toast, slurps the cafe con leche, and never takes his eyes on the Blackberry.
I'm in hell; especially because Carlos is leaving for work.

Wait for The Friend so you can leave together, I beg.

He's going to leave soon.

The Friend takes a shower from 7:30 AM until 9 AM; his dog is locked in the bedroom with him. He opens the bedroom door at nine and says to his dog, You ought to go out.
Why, I wonder. The Friend's dog has taken a dump on MY bedroom floor.
Sigh.