Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Last Templar
There was this book, The Last Templar by Raymond Khoury, that I bought for Carlos a Christmas or two ago. It's along the lines of The DaVinci Code--DaVinci Code Light--but it moved along at a good speed, and told a rather interesting story about whether or not Jesus was a mortal man or the Son of God. I won't spoil it here for you.
Imagine our surprise then, when we saw a promo for a TV movie based on the book. The clip showed the horses busting into the museum; the treks across the desert; the shipwrecks; the decoder. Looked good, right?
We decided to watch it Sunday night.
They cast Mira Sorvino as the lead character; a very studious archaeologist, pretty but plain. Mira Sorvino? Really, NBC? Really? Sorvino couldn't act her way out of a soap bubble. She played the archaeologist like she was a blow-up doll, more concerned about her Monolo Blahniks than anything else. It was like Archeology Barbie. Boobs; legs; winks; smirks.
She could give Kate Winslet a run for her money. If Kate Winslet were to stop acting this very minute and become a vacuous nonentity.
And the lead actor, the love interest, the gruff FBI agent on the trail of the stolen icons? Scott Foley. Who? Exactly. His claim to fame is that he was the first Mister Jennifer Garner. Now, don't get me wrong, he's cute. Nice dimples. But as a gruff, Catholic, faith-obsessed FBI man? Um.....no.
Still, it started off right. Four men, dressed as the Knights Templar, ride up Fifth Avenue and into the Metropolitan, where they wreak havoc by destroying glass cases filled with treasures of the Vatican, trying to get their hands on the decoder, so they could find out where the Knights buried the treasure they snuck out of Jerusalem oh so many years ago. The scene played out just like the book, until.....and seriously....this happened.
Miro Sorvino, in some flowy, chiffony-looking micro-mini and the afore-mentioned Manolo's--because that's how archaeologists dress--chased the Knights out of the museum with something that looked like a jousting sword. By herself, She's running through the museum in her Red Carpet finery shouting 'Come back!' and 'Hey!' and 'That's not yours!'
Then.....seriously.....she runs out of the museum and steals a policeman's horse, and leaps onto it and chases one of the Knights into Central Park where they joust and she captures him.
And that was the first ten minutes.
I could not look away.
I could not turn the channel.
I showed up last night to watch part two.
My name is Bob.
And I'm a Train-Wreck-o-holic.