I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

At a recent concert in Sydney, Kanye Kardastrophe, nee West, called out a pair of fans for not standing up while he was pontificating. Trouble was, one fan had a prosthetic limb, and the other was in a wheelchair.

Uh huh. Kanye — who once sang, er, spoke, “They tryna put me on the schoolbus with the space for the wheelchair” — stopped his show cold after discovering that some audience members weren’t standing up to honor him for all that he is, or at least all that his Krazy Brain thinks he is.

Stopping the show, he ALLEGEDLY said, “I can’t do this song. I can’t do this show until everybody stand up… Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that.”

And from there it got worse; most of his fans got up — because they’re sheep — but Kanye soon noticed two fans who stayed seated and he refused to continue the show until they stood up and danced like everyone else.

One of the fans took off her prosthetic leg — shades of RHoNY for all you RHoNY-ites — and proved she did have a “handicap pass” and Kanye said, oh so gallantly, “Okay, you fine.”

English is not his official language. But then KrayKrayKanye stared at the other fan, still seated … oh the nerve … and said, “This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable.”

People in the audience tried to tell the megalomaniac that he was talking to a fan in a wheelchair — even miming wheelchair signs with their arms — but Kanye wasn’t to be placated. He actually sent a bodyguard into the crowd to confirm that the seated fan was, in fact, in a wheelchair.

Then he said, “He is in a wheelchair? It’s fine!”

Bless you, Motherf%er.

And, of course, after the story went viral, he sent his Flying Monkey, AKA Missus Kanye Kardastrophe, out to do damage control. She chimed in like this on WheelChairGate:

“What an amazing Australian tour! Its [sic] frustrating that something so awesome could be clouded by lies in the media. Kanye never asked anyone in a wheel chair to stand up & the audience videos show that. He asked for everyone to stand up & dance UNLESS they were in a wheel chair. #JustWantedEveryoneToHaveAFunNight #TheMediaTwistsThings”

Funny, though, that’s not what the audience says, Kimmy.

Still, she is kinda right, he never asked “anyone in a wheelchair to stand up” but he did stop his show until everyone stood up, and continued to stop the show until he was made aware of a girl with prosthetic limbs and a man in a wheelchair.

Kim and Kanye are both so ridiculously self-involved, and self-important that they would never consider the idea that perhaps he shouldn’t have stopped the entire show because of a couple people didn’t stand for him.

Maybe they, like most rational folks didn’t stand for him because they actually can’t stand him.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a big star, with the big arms and the big legs and the big chests and the big head to go with it.

For years he has wanted to play a villain in a James Bond film because his grandfather, Peter Maivia, did it in 1967’s You Only Live Twice, but it never happened for The Rock. Until now … and then it was gone. I mean, he had the job; he’d be in a Bond film; he’d be the bad guy. So what happened? The Rock’s big headed demand for a big payday.

An industry insider — insider, so you know it isn’t Lohan — says, “Dwayne asked for more money than Daniel Craig gets to play Bond!”

Yup, the guy who wanted to play a secondary character in a Bond film wanted more money than the guy that plays Bond. It just proves that even though The Rock has a big head, and bigger ego, he has a very tiny brain.

Okay, so a few years back Hugh Grant got a ladyfriend pregnant. The lady was Tinglan Hong, and the couple had some sort of friends-with-benefits-casual-dating thing going on until the knock-up happened. Grant bought the Baby Mama a nice mansion in which to live and raise his mistake, er, child, a daughter named Tabitha Grant. And then, seven months later Grant apparently accidentally knocked up his “friend” again! And she subsequently gave birth to a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

Now, in the midst of knocking up his casual date twice Grant impregnated a Swedish woman named Anna Eberstei, who gave birth to a boy whose name we do not know — perhaps she wasn’t as close a friend as Tinglan?

But Hugh once again purchased a home for Anna, another mansion apartment close to his mansion, but not too close to his other Baby Mama’s manse, if you get my meaning.

Yup, casual dating lead to Hugh Grant becoming a father at the age of 54 three times in just fifteen months!

Straight people. But, think of it this way, go on a date with Hugh Grant, get knocked up, and you get a mansion.

And you get a mansion! And you get a mansion!

God, I love, and fear, Martha Stewart. She is not playing with anyone. You hear that Goop?

Apparently, Martha Stewart sat down for an interview with Net-a-Porter’s Porter Magazine and some of her more delicious, home-cooked quotes have leaked online, the best ones about a certain sex-crazed, recently uncoupled “star” who wants to dethrone Queen Martha.

Yup, here’s what Martha Stewart said about Gwyneth Paltrow:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

Oh for the love of the Baby Jeebus, where to begin? With Gwynnie being told to zip it? Yeah, that’s good. But the snark about ‘if’ she were confident in her acting. Suh-nap!

Lindsay Lohan is at it again, y’all.

No, not getting arrested. No, not back in rehab. No, not drunk in a nightclub … okay, maybe that last one is true, but what Lindsay is really up to again is telling more of her cracked out lies and this one’s a doozy.

Remember when Lohan violated her probation in 2011 by driving drunk again, and she was sentenced to four months of community service at the L.A. County Morgue? Well, she was sent to work in the morgue, because the judge wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving. Sounds like a good idea, and would probably work for most people, but since the corpses didn’t speak, or talk back, Lindsay felt like she was the queen bee on a film set somewhere.

Now, though, while talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to ruin next month, there was some mention of her morgue duties and Lohan let it slip that she had personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag through the building.

I bet she was the one that snapped that picture the family sued about, eh?

Lohan; dropping dead people’s name just for the attention except … It was a lie, like most words that fall out of the Lohan Cake-Hole.

See, there are pictures of Lindsay in New York — three thousand miles away — on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston in LA, and now an official from the Coroner’s Office says that Houston’s body was never in a bag and that no one in the probation program — even seven time loser Lindsay Lohan — came in contact with Whitney’s body.

God, is there anything this woman won’t do or say to keep her name in the press? Lying about a woman’s dead body in an article to publicize the next job from which she’ll be fired?

Speaking of doing or saying anything to keep your name in the press: Beyoncé.

We all heard the rumors of the Bey-Jay-Sol Elevator-palooza and then the rumors of the Bey-Jay divorce. Well, now it appears that Beyoncé’s father is saying that both events were calculated and planned to sell more tickets to their combined “On The Run” tour because, you know, being talented isn’t enough to put butts in seats.

And they may be at it again since all these new pictures of Beyoncé are coming out implying that she may be pregnant again. She's been seen getting off planes and boarding yachts doing the Hold-Your-Stomach-Because-You're-Pregnant walk. Uh huh.

And, naturally, even Jay Z got into the act of self-involved-promotion by changing the rap during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris when, rather than saying “N***** asking if the oven’s on” he said “N***** asking, cause she pregnant with another one”.

Yeah, more hype, more press because, even though the tour is over, there’s still that HBO show coming up and they want butts in seats so they’ll do and say anything to do it.

Do I think Beyoncé is “pregnant” again? Nope. This is just more publicity and more sleight of hand and more of The Carters playing the press to make some coins.

Luckily they’ll never get any from me.

Robin Thicke is a douche; a cheater; a mildly talented hack who had a hit song not because it was a good song but because he showed nekkid women in the video. Sheesh, maybe he took that class on self-promotion form the Bey-Jay College?

Anyway, after 2013 being a big year, with a big hit, and Miley’s ass on his crotch, 2014 isn’t so fun for Robin. His wife, Paula Patton, has grown tired of his cheating ass and kicked him to the curb; he wrote an entire album of Forgive me! Take me Back! I love you! songs for an album called “Paula” that flopped worse than, well, his marriage; he made in his film debut in Making the Rules and the movie went straight to VOD.

Yeah, it’s not his year, so what should he do? Well, maybe try to play off’a 2012 and 2013 to keep his floundering career afloat?

When his nekkid women song, “Blurred Lines’ was released, Robin Thicke and Pharrell and T.I. instantly filed a pre-law lawsuit to protect themselves after people noticed that the song was a rip-off of Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up.” And Marvin’s family countersued and when they filed for summary motion last week, Robin gave a crazy-assed deposition that has been made public.

Thicke initially said that he co-wrote the song with Pharrell — he even said he wrote it for Paula because “She’s my good girl” — and said he and Pharrell purposely fashioned the song after Gaye’s classic.

Now, though, he changing his story. Now he says he had nothing to do with writing the song, and says that he only ever said he wrote it, and wrote it for his wife, and stole it from Marvin, because he was high on Vicodin. Uh huh.

Here are deposition highlights:

Q: Were you present during the creation of ‘Blurred Lines’?

Thicke: I was present. Obviously, I sang it. I had to be there.

Q: When the rhythm track was being created, were you there with Pharrell?

Thicke: To be honest, that’s the only part where — I was high on Vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio. So my recollection is when we made the song, I thought I wanted — I — I wanted to be more involved than I actually was by the time, nine months later, it became a huge hit and I wanted credit. So I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

I guess to Robin Thicke being “in the room” means you co-wrote the song … when you’re high.

Still, for whatever reason, Pharrell gave Thicke a co-writer credit — meaning he got about 25% of the royalties — and he happily took the cash for Vicodin and booze and hookers and upcoming alimony payments.

But the best part of his “testimony” was when he said his wife left him because he lied about helping to write the song not because he’s an adulterer.

Perhaps his next song should be Still Douche-y After All These Years.