I Didn't Say It ...

Howard Stern, eulogizing Joan Rivers at her memorial service last Sunday:

"Joan Rivers had a dry pussy ... Joan's pussy was so dry it was like a sponge -- so that when she got in the bathtub -- whooooosh -- all the water would get absorbed in there! Joan said that if Whitney Houston had as dry a pussy as Joan's, she would still be alive today..."

I imagine Joan would have had it not other way.

Benedict Cumberbatch, on ex-gay therapy [Cumberbatch will be playing gay icon Alan Turing in an upcoming film]:

"It's still going on in North America with the Christian far right! There are courses and doctors and meds handed out to 'cure' people of their homosexuality, and it's shocking that it still goes on. It's also shocking that any time there's any kind of hardship, the minorities are immediately scapegoated – and that includes homosexuals in Russia … "

I’ve always said that as we get closer to equality for LGBT citizens of the world, things will get uglier for us, and this is just another example, that folks think they can turn a gay man straight.

Ain’t happening, and anyone who says it is, is fooling themselves.

Chris Kluwe, on the NFL, Ray Rice and that tape:

"Of course, I believe, the NFL, and by extension, Roger Goodell, watched that video. The tape never lies; that’s the mantra of the League, at every level. The NFL employs many people, who are very good at their jobs, to make sure they have access to that information, to get that tape, and the truly chilling part of all of this, is that the people in charge, almost exclusively men, saw that video and made a conscious decision to do nothing about it until their hand was forced by public opinion."

It’s another example of corporate greed; trying to downplay the beating so that it doesn’t affect “the game.” And by “the game” I mean the money.

Margaret Cho, on Joan's funeral:

"We all wept – like professional mourners. We should have gotten paid! Tears fell as we listened to the dulcet tones of the Gay Men’s Chorus with their rendition of “Hey Big Spender”. It was bittersweet and perfect. It is still hard for me to see women comics sad, no matter how many adorable men are singing in harmony. I can’t take it – that is too terrible – and all the funny people, not only us, the female comics who marched so faithfully to the tune of Joan’s stiletto footfalls, but all her friends and family and mighty legions of producers and writers who helped her create the industry that was Joan Rivers – none of us could stop crying. ... In the morose silence Howard Stern said, ‘Joan Rivers had a dry pussy.’ At first, the words just hung there, as no one knew exactly what to do. Of course I started laughing hysterically, and everyone else, remembering who we were there to honor, followed suit. ... It was so wrong but so right at the same time. So Joan. So great. RIP my friend."

Cho also called Joan her own personal Kim Jong Il, a tiny little dictator of comedy. But her stilettos will leave a mark that won’t ever go away because every female comic, every shock comic, every comic who struggled, has benefited from Joan Rivers.

Nicki Minaj, on her VMA’s “wardrobe malfunction”:

“I had I don’t know about 40-50 seconds to change from the “Anaconda” outfit into the “Bang Bang” outfit. Originally I was just going to have a skirt that just wrapped around the green but then I realized that Jessie [J] and Ariana [Grande] were wearing black and white I didn’t want ruin the shot with me wearing a green bra and them wearing black and white. I was like I have to put on a black dress really quickly and sure enough we didn’t have a real quick-change right there. So it was literally my whole team just standing there holding curtains around me and it was pitch black. I couldn’t see anything and right before it was time for me to walk out they went to zip it up… And right there I thought I died. I didn’t have any underwear on. No underwear. No bra, because I had just taken off the Anaconda outfit. So I was butt ass naked…I don’t know.”

Oh honey, you know. You did this same bit in rehearsal, too, coming out half-naked. If you couldn’t make the change during the practice run, you knew you couldn’t do it during the show. Plus, it was a sly, not so subtle way, to upstage Jesse and Ariana.

Quit tripping that it was just an accident.