Saturday, September 13, 2014

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Oh, this is effing rich.

The Palin clan, including Mama Grizzly Bore™ herself, was ALLEGEDLY involved in a huge verbal and physical fight when they all got drunk at a friend’s house over the weekend. Fists flew, lips bloodied, and the MGB™ was ALLEGEDLY heard shrieking, “Don’t you know who I am?” at the people telling her to calm the eff down!

Here’s the gist:

The Palins were at a party when Track Palin — the eldest son of Mammy and Pappy Palin, and ALLEGEDLY raging drunk, got in the face of some random guy who used to date one of his sisters … the Facebook homophobe Willow Palin. It got hot, then another sister, Trick Palin … I kid, it was Blister … still kidding it was Bristol … began throwing punches because she’s a lady and a mother and all kinds of class. Soon, the entire Palin Klan was involved in the brawl.

That’s when MGB™ played the Reese Witherspoon, Don’t-you-know-who-I-am card and someone in the crowd ALLEGEDLY shouted back “This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!”

Oh, but it is, because you see, had things gone differently back in ’08, and had the MGB™ become the Veep, and had Gramps McCain dropped dead, then the Plain’s would have been living in the White House.

And turning it into the White Trash House.

UPDATE: The MGB™ high-lariously claimed on her Facebook page that she had been traveling on Saturday, and she made no mention of her brawling drunken children.

But, one person who claimed to be a witness to The Thrilla from Wasilla said, on that post, that MGB™’s traveling claim was a load of moose manure:

“Interesting. Pretty sure you were not traveling and you and family were on the Southside causing chaos. Saw it happen. Don’t fib.”

Mama Grizzly Bore™? Lie? Uh huh..
Oh for the love of the Baby Jeebus ... Lindsay Lohan is getting sued again, and now she's taking her younger brother, the sadly named Michael Lohan Jr., down with her.

On the heels of being released from Rehab #7 last year, and just before heading into Rehab #8, AKA the Oprah Cure, the two Lohans started working with techie Fima Potik on an app called Spotted Friend, which would basically allow people to poke around Lohan’s closet and see what she wears … or where she hides her drugs … something. 

Lindsay even began promoting the app on Twitter last Spring, after being sprung from Oprah-hab, but then, like steps 2 through 12 of her Twelve Step Program, she quickly lost interest and began focusing on something shiny ... possibly an airplane bottle of Ketel One in a gutter somewhere.

So, Michael Jr. decided to try his hand at the app game one more time and launched a virtual shopping app called Vigme; he described it as a “social shopping community” where people can look in his sister’s virtual closet — my eyes — and and buy the kinds of high end hooker things Lindsay sports around town and under bars.

But, um, Fima Potik realized that Vigme is really just Spotted Friend with a new name and so a cease-and-desist letter was sent to Lindsay and Junior informing them to knock it off or else. And, of course, Lindsay responded to the cease-and-desist by getting her attorney, Mark Heller — the same guy she fired a couple of years ago because he couldn’t keep her out of jail — who said this:

“Allegations of any impropriety in Lindsay Lohan’s business relationship concerning this Web site are inaccurate and clearly designed to capitalize on her worldwide recognition as a fashion icon.”

Okay, first off, it sounds like Junior came up with the new copycat app, and Lindsay had nothing to do with it, so she may be in the clear … this time. But, seriously. Her.Worldwide.Recognition.As.A.Fashion.Icon?

Note to Lohan and her team of ambulance-chasers: leggings and side boob are not fashion. Check every street corner, look at every prostitute, and you'll see leggings and side boob.
How would we live without Paltrow?

I mean, according to her favorite news source, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow is the best at everything. Every.Thing. I mean, her divorce is a sweet little conscious uncoupling; she’s the best friend ever and now, yes, friends, Gwyneth Paltrow is staking a claim as the best at … wait for it … making the bed. Seriously.

Paltrow recently turned a step-by-step tutorial called “Making The Perfect Bed” and, well, here it is:

1. Fitted sheet first, preferably out of a medium-heat dryer. Don’t let them sit or they’ll just become more wrinkled. Start with top corners and move down to the bottom, pressing out the wrinkles with your hands as you go. Try to buy fitted sheets where the elastic wraps around the whole base of the mattress, not just the corners.

2. Place the flat sheet on next, squaring it evenly to give yourself enough slack for whatever cuff size you prefer. (If you like a modern look, make a wider, 10″-16″ cuff on the turn-down fold. If you like a more traditional look, 6″-10″ is the perfect cuff width.) If you don’t want your sheets too tight, lay two to three pillows down the midline before placing the sheet.

3. Place whatever blanket you are going to use over the fitted sheet and square it. I like to tuck the end of the bed under first. It makes for a neater view when approaching the bed on entrance. Then, pull the sides taught and fold them under. Otherwise, if you fold the base last and have a thicker blanket it can create havoc for the sides.

4. For a duvet, place the cover on right out of the dryer and shake it out. Pull all four corners taut. If you want your down comforter to look fluffier, go down a size for the duvet cover, i.e., place a king duvet in a queen-sized cover.
Wow. I mean, how have I been making beds all these years without The Paltrow Method? How has anyone been able to look at a freshly made bed and not want to tear it to shreds because it had gone horribly wrong?

Thank you, Gwyneth, thank you.

Next up, she’ll teach us how to wipe our asses …. On 3,000-thread count Egyptian cotton toilet paper.
So, after Matt Lauer pushed Ann Curry in front of a cross-town bus a couple of years ago so he could get his ALLEGED side-piece a gig on the Today Show, how does NBC handle him?

NBC treats him to a helicopter ride to and from his home in the Hamptons to the Today show set up to three times a week because they’re afraid he’ll quit. I know!

A source — and it might be Dina trying to score a gig as Kathie Lee Gifford’s permanent drunken replacement during The Fourth Hour — says that after Ann Curry’s messy departure in 2012, NBC was terrified that Darling Matt might take his man-whoring to another network so they basically handed him a blank check and some yellow legal pads upon which to write his demands.

Like a $20 million a year paycheck and a helicopter to transport his ever-balding head into the office a few times each week even though he has an apartment in Manhattan that he could stay at.

A rep for Today — hoping to keep the show from looking like Matt’s pimp — says:

“On rare occasions, Matt will fly home, but most of the time you’ll find him stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway with everyone else.”

Like everyone else, he sometimes takes the LIE, though when he’s not in the mood, they whisk him upstairs in the Matt Lauer Express Elevator™ to the Matt Lauer Helipad™ where he boards The Matt Lauer Helicopter™, piloted by Trixie Von Layme, and is flown home.
Taylor Swift loves to write songs about her life; she’s written about the boyfriend who dumped … I kid … the boyfriends who’ve dumped her; the kitten that scratched her; the hair ribbon that just wouldn’t stay tied. You know highly personal stuff. 

And now she’s done it again with “Bad Blood” about a female singer that’s mean to her. Rumors swirled that it was Demi Lovato or Rihanna, but now it seems quite clear it’s Katy Perry.

Of the backstabbing bitch, er, bad friend, Swifty told Rolling Stone:

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’ [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

True story: in 2012, Katy Perry hired a bunch of dancers away from Taylor Swift, so that’s the feud; that’s the horrible thing. Katy Perry saw some dancers and said, Hey, you wanna come dance for me and they did and then TayTay got her grannies panties twisted and suddenly it’s a song. And for her part, Katy Perry is now playing along, Tweeting this:

‘Watch out for the Regina George [from Mean Girls] in sheep’s clothing.’

Which implies that Tay’s the Mean Girl, eh? But, and this seems more plausible, maybe the feud isn’t over dancers, but over that singing STD, John Mayer, who schtupped dated both girls. TayTay and Mayer had a love affair in 2010 before he dumped her and she released the song “Dear John”.  In 2012, KayKay started dating Mayer, who said he was “really humiliated” by Swift’s song and that was when Perry started making digs at Taylor … until DancerGate.

And that really seems to have put the nail in the coffin of these pop diva-lite’s friendship because one of the dancer’s, Lockhart Brownlie, confirms that it was Katy who tried to sabotage TayTay’s Red tour. Brownlie says he first toured with Perry on her Part of Me tour and when that gig ended he and two other dancers auditioned for the Red job:

“I was with Taylor for the first six months. It was a great experience and she’s a great person to work with, but then Katy contacted us. … Obviously we were with Katy for 2 1/2 years, she’s like family to us, so we were, like, absolutely.”

Hell hath no fury like an auto-tuned-pop-star-whose-dancers-are-stolen-away’s fury.


Anonymous said...

Help! I tried following GP's bed-making directions, but I am freaking out because I can't tell whether the flat sheet should be used straight out of the dryer like the fitted sheet and duvet, or whether it's OK to use it cold out of the linen closet.

Any advice you can give would be most appreciated.....


the dogs' mother said...

My first thought when I heard about the Thriller from Wasilla was 'has Bob seen this?!'
And then I wondered if the cop reality show Alaska State Troopers got any of it on tape.....?

Blobby said...

as IF Gwennie makes her own bed. Isn't that what Consuela was for.

mistress maddie said...

Well thank god for Gwyneth Paltrow I may NEVER KNOW how to make my bed!!!!!! Her and Palin are two vile creatures who should have been strangled at birth.

Helen Lashbrook said...

A fitted sheet? Not to make the perfect bed you don't. Always use a flat sheet and make hospital corners. Fitted sheets are for woosses.

anne marie in philly said...

what a moose mess! white trash airing out its dirty linen in public.

LL is a bore, as is taytay and katy; their 15 seconds of fame is long gone.

I NEVER make my bed and I don't give a fat rat's ass about GP.

and thank bob I never watch tv!

Biki Honko said...

The fella who spoke to the press about the Palin fight was an employee of the man who owned the house, well an ex-employee now. Yup, he was fired!

Goop can just go sit in the corner with Martha Stewart. The first time I saw Martha on tv, she was showing how to correctly fold a blanket. I was floored that people believed she was all that and a case of chips.

Katy and Beard-y just need a nice long nap and a bowl of milk toast to get happy again. Bunch-a babies!

Raybeard said...

I got a bellyful of laughs out of this posting - a lot of which is, must admit, schadenfreude. But so what? Got my day off in a happy happy mood.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Your item comparing Granny Palin and Family to the Clampets is extremely insulting ... to the Clampets.