The Met Gala: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

This year's Gala theme is American Independence which gave attendees a wide berth of ideas to play with from founding fathers in powdered wigs and star-spangled gowns, to Lady Liberty cosplay and, of course, all things red, white, and hideous.

Let’s rip …

THE MENS

First Row:

Adrien Brody in a boring tuxedo; he’s kinda odd sexy hot to me but the only way this works for me is if I’m next to him in a boring tuxedo on the top of a same-sex wedding cake.

Ben Platt. I wore this look when I went to a 70s Themed Party. I got mine at Goodwill. Ben looks like he did too.

Channing Tatum in an ill-fitting tuxedo is giving me cater waiter, while I’m still waiting for my cock-a-tale.

Dan Levy in WTFuckery is this. Except for the two men kissing on the front this screams hot mess and not in a good way.

Second Row:

Maluma. He’s giving me hot Latino sexy and I’m feeling all kinds of tingly … down there.

Pete Davidson. Drunk Nun in a dinner jacket realness.

Elliot Page. For god’s sake, get a tailor and a suit that fits. You’re already slight of stature and this makes you even smaller.

Dominic Cooper left his ice cream truck at the curb.

Third Row:

Timothée Chalamet was a co-chair of the event and worn dirty sneakers. Seriously. I’d call you by your name but your name is Unfortunate Choices.

Shawn Mendes fights do hard against rumors he’s gay and then comes dressed as a rent boy.

Simu Liu. This is how you do the dinner jacket. Points off for the facial scruff.

Henry Golding. Dazzling. I need this look for Easter Services at the Big Gay Church.

LADIES IN RED

Jennifer Hudson channeling Aretha in a fitted billowing number that screams DIVA!!!

Karlie Kloss used a designer that channeled American Beauty Rose to perfection.

Megan Fox wants to be Dita von Teese but never will be.

CALL THEM MISS ROSS

Keke Palmer channels both Diana and Angela Basset in this slithering sequined number.

Taraji P. Henson is pure Disco Diana.

WAITING ON A TRAIN

Billie Eilish looking very Marilyn. Much nicer than the usual two-toned hair and ill-fitting drag.

Teyana Taylor. They say that less is more, but sometimes less is whore.

Kim Kardastrophe again with the hood? This might have made a bigger statement had she not worn a similar look just yesterday.

Debbie Harry in tattered Old Glory Star Spangled Banner Yet Waves fabulosity.

SEPARATED AT JOANNE’S FABRICS

Emma Chamberlain looks like she took Troye Sivan’s sad little girl black sack dress, bedazzled it, cut it to ribbons and then headed out.

MEHS AND GOODS

First Row:

Anna Wintour chairs this thing and she things Floral Granny works? No, no …that’s all.

Barbie Ferreira dazzles in 1920s sculpted pearl flapper dress.

Emily Blunt looked regal in that gown and headpiece but was it cold because bitch put a sheet on too.

Gabrielle Union had an elaborate story about this gown but my story is simple: it’s a series of white plastic dinnerware hot glued together and it looks like it.

Second Row:

Ilana Glazer. From the neck down is glamour, from the  neck up is insane asylum matron.

Kim Petras. Someone told this bitch he was making a horse bustier and she went for it. Neigh, Neigh!

Kris Jenner looks like someone’s grandma got locked out of the house in one of grandpa’s old suits with a bathrobe tied to her waist,

Rebecca Hall is a cross between a Handmaid and a Sister Wife and neither look works.

Third Row:

Megan Thee Stallion looks full on glam 2021 Dorothy Dandridge and I’m here for it.

Sharon Stone. I know some people say she could wear a sack and still look beautiful, but they’d be wrong.

Olivia Rodrigo went to her first Met Gala and she thought feathers and lace and granny panties would do the trick. They do not.

Tracee Ellis Ross is giving me Black Anna Wintour Boss … hell, she’s just giving me Boss Bitch and I love it.

TOY TRAINS

First Row:

JLo. Tits out? Check. Jolie Leg? Check? Wearing that same hat you’ve been wearing for two years? Check. But why shouldn’t she recycle style when she clearly recycles boyfriends?

Ciara is married to football player Russell Wilson so I guess that explains this football jersey “thing”.

Second Row:

Irina Shayk. Nude with flower pasties. It’s pretty but this sort of naughty is-she-nude-or-not look has been done to death.

Yara Shahidi looks like a Silent Screen star waiting to shoot her scenes on Valentino’s The Sheik.

Third row:

Serena Williams is the Lost Muppet.

Mary J. Blige always looks the same. Gold, and cleavage. Try harder.

A LITTLE DRAMA

Lupita Nyong’o in a denim and diamonds look. On pint for the theme and that hair is a work of art.

Rihanna is giving me Cotton Club diva. I think there’s a derringer in her purse.

Maisie Williams is channeling Miss Clara Bow and she’s working it.

MJ Rodriguez is giving us sleeves and pleats for days, along with a fabulous shoe.

LEAGUE OF HER OWN

Iman owned it. This look is giving me Scarlett O’Hara on the African Savanna.

KING AND QUEEN OF THE NIGHT

Lil Nas X doesn’t play; he brings it. That first look says Queen, with underneath he’s R2D2 and under that he’s all disco skate.

What did YOU think?