Why Is It ...

… that I say Good Morning to everyone except those who say it’s too early for my bull shiz; to them I say, 'Get up earlier.'

… that my coffee looked at me this morning and whispered, ‘Sorry, I don’t do miracles.’

… that people don’t get that driving alone is tiring; I have to be the lead singer and the backup singer, the dancers, the drummer and the guitarist, etc.

… that no one understands that I don’t do second chances; 53 chances and then I’m done.

… that most of the time my mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline and then started bouncing.

… that I am happy being the reason a nun clutches her Rosary when I walk by.

… that when I was dating and filled the room with candles, my date called it romantic and yet I knew I was about to perform a sacrifice.

… that when people ask if they can come over I say, ‘Sorry, my house is in the shop.’

… that we’re often told we catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I can catch plenty out of your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

… that I love the idea of being someone’s peace, but unfortunately I’m crazy.

Why Is It ...

… that I am as swift as a gazelle … an old one … with arthritis … run over by a Land Rover … seven days ago.

… that I am not weird, but I am simply a Limited Edition. Kidding, I’m weird AF.

… that I don’t have a train of thought … I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when their paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

… that people need to remember that I have a soft heart and a savage mouth; I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

… that when people disagree with me I generally say, ‘Nice argument, unfortunately, your mama,’ and then I saunter away.

… there is nothing better than hearing friends say, ‘We never see you around.’ I mean, I know, I make sure of it.

… that when people ask me if I run, I say out of patience , money and good decisions.

… that no one realizes I have three basic moods: IDK, IDC, IDGAF and it’s a daily spin-the wheel situation.

… that when I’m drunk I forget I’m shy and I suddenly become the CEO of Chaos, giving life advice to strangers like I’ve got a PhD in bad choices.

… that the idea that someone looked at a purple onion and named it a red red onion really irks me

…. that I seek restraining orders on anyone not wearing deodorant.

Why Is It ...

… that I often warn people by saying, ‘Welcome to my mind. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. Do not feed the animals, drink the water, or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!’

… that I just dunked a cookie into a glass of milk, waited for the bubbles to stop, and thought of you.

… that people never learn the most important tip for talking to me: Don’t.

… that it’s apparently rude to thump someone in the forehead and shout ‘Skip intro’ when they start talking to you.

… that when something says ‘Don’t start it always gives me a thrill and makes me want to start.

… that at a bar the other night I asked for a vodka and the bartender said ‘This is McDonalds’ and then looked at me like I’m crazy when I said, ‘Okay, gimme a McVodka.’

… that someone asks if I want to slip into something more comfortable I will get in my car and leave.

… that I just found out that it’s a ‘thing’ to throw the ball into the crowd after you win the game, but not in bowling … never in bowling.

… that you could really cry me a river and I’d just jump in a boat and row away from you.

… that being naturally funny is annoying  because most of the time I’m just minding my own business and people are over there laughing like I’m doing stand-up.

Why Is It ...

… that talking to a new person isn’t exciting anymore because I realize I probably won’t even remember them in a week.

… that people don’t understand that my life would be less stressful if I had my own deserted island.

… that sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

… that no one remembers that my phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

… that when I tell someone “I swear on my life,” they are apt to reply, “I’ve seen your life, swear on something else.”

… that I am based on a true story.

… that when I sing, “when I think about you I touch myself,” what I really mean is I am rubbing my temples because you’re giving me a f**king migraine.

… that when I say “the other day” that could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth.

… when I think of how 2025 is going for me, I think in terms of a movie … written by Stephen King, directed by Tarantino and the music by Yoko Ono.

… that I am at that age where every morning my body whispers, ‘Don’t do that again.’

Why Is It ...

… that the other day I stared at the screen for several minutes and then announced, “God this show is boring,” and then heard my boss say, “This is a zoom meeting.” Still, I wasn't exactly wrong.

… that when someone yells stop, I don’t know if it’s “in the name of love,” or if it’s “Hammer time,” or if I need to “smell the roses.”

… that sometimes a yawn is so good you just gotta scream at the end.

… that when people tell me that I shouldn’t let the cats sleep in the bed with me, they don’t understand that I would lets our cats take a loan out in my name.

… that when people say I’m overthinking the situation they don’t realize that I have no other form of thinking.

… that my grocery list is always very simple … #1: Don’t run into anyone I know, and #2 Bread.

… that when someone is trying to offend me they don’t understand that my sense of humor is blacker than my coffee.

… that Taylor Swift could be performing live from my kitchen and I still wouldn’t go.

… that no one ever told me that when I got older the weather app would become part of my daily routine.

Why Is It ...

… that, based on the amount of laundry I do every week, I starting to think there are people living here that I haven’t met yet.

… that we all have that one friend that  you need to tell “be nice” before introducing them to anyone new; and, yeah, I’m that friend who needs to be told.

… that if we’re only talking about looks I think I’m a good 7, but if you factor in sense of humor, personality and values I’m a decent 2.

… that when someone says to me, “I never see you around” I respond with, “I know, I make sure of it.”

… that friends need to know that if I don’t text back it’s because they didn’t say anything interesting.

… that I have only just realized that one aspect of adulthood is the rage I feel when they rearrange my grocery store.

… that some people will text me at 2AM asking what I’m doing , and I respond “I’m outside negotiating a peace treaty with a racoon.”

Why Is It ...

… that people need to learn that trying to talk to me on Messenger is like trying to talk to a wall in your house.

… that most days I want  to put an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on my head and call it a day.

… that when we were younger we wanted to be adults so badly and now look at us. Just fucking look at us!

… that whatever you’re heard about me, know that I can be way worse.

… that the other day I heard a guy in a store on his cell phone saying, “Susan, I’m in the car right now on my way home,” and I yelled, “No, he’s not. He’s at the store.” Nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

… that if you think money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer some to my account.

… that my sister once said that I didn’t respect her privacy, and I only know that because I read it in her diary.

… that I don’t know why, but I love to mess around and find out sometimes.

… that I like to say to someone, when I meet them for the first time, “You’re exactly what I expected.”Ah, establishing dominance.

… that I hate it when I lose things at work … like my favorite pen or my fucking will to live.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t get it that I don’t waste time Googling song lyrics; I sing what I hear ... ♪♫ Dancing queen, young and sweet only seven teeth.♫♪

… that my mood has so many swings it’s a park now.

… that they ask you to be at the airport three hours before your flight but they won’t tell you what gate to go to until the very last minute.

… that, at this point, if a clown invited me into the woods alone, I would just go.

… that my social skills include: 1] laughing when I shouldn’t laugh; 2] telling jokes in awkward situations; and C] saying ‘You too’ when the waiter tells me to enjoy my dinner.

… that you need to know that before you judge me, I don’t care.

… that when someone tells me I look familiar, I say, “I don’t even go outside, why are you lying?”

… that I need an app that deletes my number from other people’s phones.

… that no one understands that if you think I’m mean now, wait until I don’t like you.

… that controlling my facial expressions has to be the toughest battle I fight every day.

Why Is It ...

… that even though I can tell who is real and who is fake, I love watching a fake person’s acting skills.

… that everyone hates math until they get their paycheck and suddenly they all know calculus.

… that when people text me "Where you at” I always look around for a minute before I lie.

… that it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, at the end of the day it’s evening.

… that mind is like a web browser; 21 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

… that people need to learn that when I say “I’ll call you later,” I mean later in life, not later today.

… that while I know I swear a lot ... [A] I am sorry ... [B] I’ll watch my mouth from now on ... [C] A & B are lies ... [D] You can fuck off.

… that while I am trying to stop being mean, y’all need to stop being stupid first.

… thatI have been told that I am going to Hell for my excessive use of the F-word, but I have rented a bus if any of you fuckers want a ride.

Why Is It ...

… that if it’s inappropriate and tasteless and rude, chances are I will find it fucking high-larious.

… that people need to understand that I refer to myself as a “free spirit” because it sounds classier than “out of fucking control.”

… that I want to normalize work emails  with: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

… that I am so antisocial that I will walk past people I know.

… that I don’t even have a sense of humor anymore. Nowadays it’s just sarcasm and a general dislike for the majority of the human population.

… that some of you people need to go to Church because I don’t want you in Hell with me.

… that if you hate me, join the club. There are weekly meeting at the corner of Fuck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.

… that if you are testing my waters you’d best know how to swim.

… that the reason I don’t make excuses for horrible people is because I know you cannot put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

… that if y’all think I’m crazy do you really think it’s a good idea to fuck with me?

Why Is It ...

... that people need to know that, while I might be annoying, at least MY lock screen isn’t a selfie.

… that when I was younger and my parents told me not to come home late, I always came home early … the next morning.

… that I miss the old days back in 1955 when I didn’t exist.

… that the fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than I do to go out in says a lot about who I am as a person.

… that I want to join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

… that when a social media post includes “I bet none of my friends will share this” you can rest assured I won’t.

… that when I know my social media page is being watched I post things on purpose, just to ruffle your feathers.

… that sometimes the best place to be is nowhere to be found.

… that no one  or nothing has had a bigger glow up in the last ten years than cauliflower. It went from being nasty ashy broccoli to being the Mystique of vegetables, always coming at you with a new shape. You want rice? Mashed potatoes? Pasta? Cheese? Pizza? Low cost housing? A man? Make it from cauliflower.

Why Is It ...

… that while some best friends get matching tattoos, my best friend and I have matching mental issues.

… that I have the ability to mulitask; I can lose my mind and chill at the same time.

… that I had to learn about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. That information is only useful during Parallelogram Season.

… that even though I keep saying “it is what it is,” I need to know: what is it?

… that kids today are so soft. I remember I died once when I was seven and my mom told me to walk it off.

… that anytime I am suspicious of something I swear I am almost always right.

… that every so often I choose to wear a House Arrest Ankle bracelet as an excuse not to go out at night.

… that I never did a One Night Stand, but I did do a One Year of Wasting My F*cking time.

… that I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Why Is it ...

… that one one understands that the 'L' in my name stands for Leave me alone.

… that people don’t listen? I once spoke to a client over the phone who told me I was much friendlier and far more helpful than the person they had spoken to the day before … who was also me.

… the people need to learn that no one can get on my nerves like everyone.

… that the older I get the more I appreciate being out of the loop. Don’t fill me in … I don’t wanna know anything about anyone.

… that as blunt as I may seem, I don’t say half of what I’m thinking.

… that no one understands that I prefer to live in my own little world and they need a wristband to enter.

… that I don’t clear up any rumors about myself since I probably did do it, and if I didn’t, I might.

… that I don’t buy more piñatas; like, right now, I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.

… that I am the nicest rudest most caring nonchalant I don’t give a f*ck person you’ll ever meet.

Why Is It ...

… that people keep talking about the flu but the only thing I’m fighting these days is the urge to call out of work every single day.

… that staying to yourself and not bothering people bothers people.

… that no one understand that my posts are not directed at any one person, but if the shoe fits, wear it Cinderella.

… that whenever someone says, “I like your personality,” I always say, “Thanks. I have more.”

… that I don’t dust my house because I believe we come from dust and we return to dust and that dust on my coffee table might be someone I know.

… that no doctor will allow me to get my glasses prescription placed into my windshield.

… that I just realized that the reason Carlos is the perfect  person to gossip to is because he won’t tell anyone what I said since he wasn’t listening in the first place.

… that when people say I’m acting crazy, I have to remind them that I am not acting.

… that I’ve reached the age where I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up; I have a bladder that does that.

… that I truly think I can generate electricity with how irritated I can get at times.

Why Is It ...

… that before you slip into my DMs, you need to look between the ‘T’ and the ‘U’ on your keyboard.

… that while I finally quit drinking for good, I am still drinking for evil.

… that people need to know that if they see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session inside my head.

… that I have never had a Welcome mat at my house? Because I’m not a liar.

… that people don’t realize that I am no longer interested in Driving at Night, Leaving My House at Night, Driving in Winter, Leaving My House in Winter. Driving, and Leaving the House.

… that I’d rather clean the whole house than do dishes.

… that I lie awake at night thinking what if I get kidnapped and I have a stuffy nose and they duct tape my mouth.

… that every day around midnight I am shocked to find out it’s only 5PM.

… that when yet another coworker asked if I could be more annoying, the next day I showed up wearing tap shoes.

… that I could be the bigger person, but being the reason HR makes a new policy is much more exciting.

Why Is it ...

… that even though they call them Stress Balls I am not supposed to throw them at people who are stressing me out.

… that I’ll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a rat’s ass about your opinion of me.

… that you need to know I haven’t lost my mind; half of it wandered off and the other half went looking for it.

… that my favorite part of the job is lunch break, clocking out, and pay day.

… that I often find myself lying in bed at 3AM  and realizing I should have said something else in an argument I had in 2012.

… that some people underestimate my ability to delete your number and then act like we’ve never met.

… that I ask myself, Am I perfect? And I say No. And then I ask myself if I do my best and try to keep a good attitude, and the answer is also No.

… that people don’t understand that Facetiming me is for Premium Members only.

… that when I see anyone with six piercings or more at a store it takes everything I have not to attach a shower curtain to their face.

… that the older I get the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Why Is It ...

… that most people don’t understand that blowing the powdered sugar off a donut is part of my healthy eating plan.

… that I used to be a people person until people ruined it for me.

… that I don’t like this phase of my life where I Google a celebrity and find out they’re younger than me.

… that my circle of friends is so small that when my phone rings I already know who it is.

… that when I was dating, the guys never realized they they got a comedian, a chef and a mental patient all rolled into one.

… that most days I feel like putting an ‘Out of Order’ sign on my head and giving up.

… that co-workers don’t get it that if I call in sick to work they shouldn’t ask me what’s wrong because what’s wrong is I’m sick of all of them.

… that sometimes I want to throw cow poop on people to fertilize them so they’ll grow up.

… that when I was younger my housekeeping style was best described as “there seems to have been a struggle.”

… that no one gets the fact that if you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it had better be a food truck.

… that no one remembers that putting me on speaker phone is taking a huge risk.

Why Is It ...

… that when I say “Are we still going” I’m really trying to cancel the plans.

… that I like to make shopping lists and then leave them on the counter  and then guess what was on it when I get to the store; fun game.

… that when you roll your eyes at me, I think, ‘Keep on, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.’

… that the co-worker who asked me why I never smile at work doesn’t realize that I don’t get paid for that.

… that people don’t understand I am not a texter or an Instagrammer or a TikTok-er or Facetimer, I am a Do Not Disturber.

… that I hate going out in public and finding people there.

… that I’m the type of employee that doesn’t use the break room? I go to my car to get a real break from everyone.

… that you should never equate education with intelligence. You can have a masters and still be an idiot.

… that no one understands that I am not mean, I am brutally honest, and the truth hurts. So get a Band-Aid.

… that just because I’m sharing posts at 7AM doesn’t mean I’m up. Don’t call my phone.

Why Is It ...

… that when I was at the doctor’s recently the nurse asked me to step on the scale; I was told there’d be no fact checking.

… that at my age getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

… that people don’t realize that not only am I not a perfect person and I am also not trying to be a better person.

… that I may look normal,  but I talk to myself and then laugh afterwards.

…  that when I see people arguing online I automatically believe whomever is spelling correctly and using proper grammar.

… that the way I stay indoors makes me feel like I’m becoming furniture.

… that I don’t like when people ask what I did over the weekend. I don’t know! I breathed a lot. Probably got mad a bit. Sighed heavily. The list goes on.

… that while I have a really good heart and I also have a smart mouth and I’m a little bit mean.

… that nobody is busier than me when I am not interested in you …  “Let me close the fridge and I’ll call you back.”

… that when I tell Alexa to remind me to go to the gym, she says, ‘I have added gin to your shopping list’ and I think, ‘Close enough.’

Why Is It ...

… that I need 10 incomes for the lifestyle I have in my head.

… that people who abhor swearing get angry with me because I can formulate an intelligent sentence and still throw a motherfucker in just for the Hell of it. Learn to juggle people.

… that people don’t get it when I say I can’t go out because the cats expect me home at a certain hour.

… that you may call them ‘Red Flags’ but I call them Ten Fun Facts you don’t know about me.

… that my car will be on Empty and I’ll drive past 4 gas stations and just go home.

… that I always see adults pour a glass of wine and fill it only halfway and I think, ‘One of us is doing this wrong and I think it’s you.’

… that holding back my sarcastic replies takes nearly all my inner strength.

… that I’ve been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms online. It’s adulthood … I have adulthood.

… that when people wonder if I can be any more annoying, I always say, “Oh god, yes!”

… that they say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes. If that’s true, I hope it includes the blackouts because that would be like bonus footage and deleted scenes on a DVD.