It's Snarkurday!

Ouch! When Fadi Fawaz found out that he didn’t make it into his late boyfriend George Michael’s will, he went on a Twitter tear, saying:

“George I hate you.”

He then Tweeted, again, on how George died, speculating, again, that it was a suicide.

Nice. Your love has died, and didn’t leave you anything in the will—George’s cousin Andros Georgiou says the estate was divided up between charities, his sisters, and a couple of his housekeepers—and this is how you act?

Maybe George knew that and that’s why you got zip, zilch, nada.

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In I Need A Silkwood Scrub-Down news … last week Kelsey Grammer appeared on Conan and talked about his tattoo … located just above his old man junk because nothing is cooler than grandpa with a dick tat.

And the tattoo is the name of his fourth wife, Kayte Walsh, who apparently demanded the ink:

“I think it was more, sort of, an ownership thing. My wife said, ‘Why don’t you get a tattoo?’… I guess, maybe, it was based on the idea if ever, I thought maybe a peccadillo outside the marriage, was a good idea. Whoever it might be, would read that this particular piece of equipment was already signed for, and owned, by someone named Kayte.”

Seriously. If Kayte thinks a tattoo will stop Kelsey Grammer, who cheated on his third wife with his fourth wife, from cheating, she needs one on her forehead that reads:

“Vacant.”

Just sayin’.

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We never hear from Charlie Sheen unless he’s pulled a knife on someone or crawled back to rehab or claims he’s too broke to pay his bills.

Ding.Ding.Ding. It’s that last one! Sheen is once again ALLEGING that he is too poor to handle paying child support to both his exes, Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller. He has filed a request with the court system asking to have his child support adjusted because his finances are no longer in the tens of millions and he can’t afford his kids:

“I have been unable to find steady work, and have been blacklisted from many aspects of the entertainment industry.” 

To be fair, as fair as one can be with Sheen, he pays first ex-0wife Denise some $20,000 a month for their two girls, and gives Brooker Mueller about $55,000 a month for their two boys.

I guess boys cost more?

Charlie says he has less than $10 million in the bank … oh the pain … do you need food stamps? Or, better yet, go get a job washing cars, being a pimp, making mochas.

I mean, that’s what a judge might tell any deadbeat dad, much less one with 10 million in the bank.

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Kim Kardastrophe. Plastic surgery addicted homophobe.

It’s true; Tyson Beckford saw a photo of Kim online and suggested that her plastic surgeon biffed her right hip, and then said he’s did not care for women who had plastic surgery. Now, that’s not nice, even if it’s directed at media whore Kim Kardastrophe who just said a few weeks ago that she was easing up on her social media posts and then tripled her posts.

But I digress. Kim saw Tyson’s response and she said:

“Sis we all know why you don’t care for it.”

Media whore. Plastic surgery addict. Homophobe.

Oh, and let’s not forget that this same week, she cheered and when her family said she was so thin that she looked anorexic because, you know, anorexia is a diet.

This bitch.

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Oh Britney Spears … stop talking. Stop “singing” too, for that matter. This past week, while performing onstage at Brighton Pride, BritBrit forgot where she was and turned to a backup dancer to ask:

“Where are we?”

The dancer replied:

“Brighton Pride bitch.” 

Okay, maybe that last word was just me, but then BritBrit shrieked:

“What’s up Brighton Pride!”

Oy.

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Oh, incest is good for a laugh, no?

Former Kardastrophe wannabe—she’s Rob Kardastrophe’s ex—Blac Chyna has a new, eleven years younger boyfriend, rapper YBN Almighty Jay, who recently posted to Instagram that he is Blac’s “oldest son.”

Cuz, you know, incest is a joke.

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More Kardastrophe news? Too bad, you’re getting it anyway …

On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophe’s one Khloé Kardastrophe spurted out some really stupid shiz from that mammoth mouth of hers:

"I was pregnant during this entire season of KUWTK. Some women get “pregnancy lips”. I was one of them. So my lips look crazy and massive. Trust me. I know and I hated it. A lot of wild sh*t happens to your body and face while pregnant. It’s out of our control. Most people don’t have to film during an entire pregnancy so just watch the show and be kind about growing body and lips. Pregnant women should be off limits.”

Siddown.  Cuz if you hated your fat lips, then why all the Instagram photos of you and your lips? Not the baby bump, but the ginormous lips?

Be honest, you took the fat from Kim’s ass and Kanye’s head and injected it in your lips.

Okurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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Add Kathleen Turner to the list of people who give no f**ks … right alongside one Miss Patti LuPone.

Turner gave an interview in which she tore into everyone from Elizabeth Taylor, Nicolas Cage, Burt Reynolds, the Friends cast, ____, and Hollywood.

She starts off with saying Taylor was all wrong for the role in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? —roles Turner took to Broadway:

“[Taylor] has a bad voice, badly used. In any case, people are after me all the time to do Sweet Bird of Youth, and I’m like, ‘Enough Taylor shit!’”

Then comes Cage and that weird voice he did in Peggy Sue Got Married:

“It was tough to not say, ‘Cut it out.’ But it wasn’t my job to say to another actor what he should or shouldn’t do. So I went to [director] Francis [Ford Coppola]. I asked him, ‘You approved this choice?’ It was very touchy. He [Nicolas Cage] was very difficult on set. But the director allowed what Nicolas wanted to do with his role, so I wasn’t in a position to do much except play with what I’d been given. If anything, it [Cage’s portrayal] only further illustrated my character’s disillusionment with the past. The way I saw it was, yeah, he was that asshole.”

Next up, Burt Reynolds:

“Working with Burt Reynolds was terrible. The first day Burt came in he made me cry. He said something about not taking second place to a woman. His behavior was shocking. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t someone’s equal.”

And as for that other misogynistic tool, _____:

“He goes to shake your hand and with his index finger kind of rubs the inside of your wrist. He’s trying to do some kind of seductive intimacy move. You pull your hand away and go yuck.”

As for the cats of Friends, where Kathleen played Chandler Bing’s drag queen father; she claims she didn’t exactly get a warm welcome from the cast because they were such a little clique and anybody on the outside really didn’t matter to them. When she was asked about their acting talent, she replied:

“I won’t comment on that.”

And then she gave a little gossip, of the Blind Item Variety.

“I’ll give you an example, but you mustn’t include her name. [Very famous Hollywood actress] has played the same role for 20 years. She even looks pretty much the same. She’s probably one of the richest women out there, but I would shoot myself if I were like that, only giving people what they expect.”

Sounds a little Julia to me.

Gosh, I’d love to sit in the shade and sip some tea with Turner.

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Would You Hit It?

It's a simple question .... Tyson Beckford, walking shirtless down the streets of New York.

Would.You.Hit.It?

Yes or No?

I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

More on TravoltaGate:

Remember, First Masseur claimed he was groped by John Travolta whilst giving the actor a rubdown? Well, maybe not so much, because, now, it seems, that First Masseur has been dropped by his legal counsel because he couldn't keep his dates, um, straight. But, Second Masseur is still in the picture though now this whole thing kinda smacks of an extortion for cash, except.....

The third man, a Chilean named Fabian Zanzi, who came forward to claim Travolta had  ALLEGEDLY propositioned him for a massage and sex on a Royal Caribbean Cruise ship in 2009. Zanzi claims Travolta ALLEGEDLY offered him $12,000 for his services, which Zanzi refused. 

And, also keeping the story alive, are the rumors about Travolta and steam rooms and masseurs and sticky fingers and such. It seems that, ALLEGEDLY, Travolta has pulled this act so many times that, guess what, The New York Daily News has a story about Travolta being sweaty and gross and, just plain icky, to the masseurs at the Peninsula Hotel Spa, that the spa actually had to “ban” him. 

While Michael Caputo, a one-time Peninsula masseur, ALLEGES that John Travolta was banned after several creepy run-ins with the spa’s male employees, the ALLEGED ban, put in place in the early 2000s, though Travolta’s time on the Do Not Rub List lasted about three years. Peninsula officials, though, are not commenting now.

Caputo says, “Travolta would always request a man for his massage, but after a while no one would take him because of his inappropriate behavior. It got to the point where they couldn’t find any men to take him, and they had to ban him.”

Marty Singer, Travolta’s pitbull attorney, dismissed the allegation as rubbish, saying Travolta was at the Peninsula’s rooftop spa just six months ago, but, since Caputo claims the ban was lifted in 2008, Travolta would have been welcome there last winter.

Marty Singer: “He’s never been banned, I guarantee you. . . . The hotel never told John he was banned, and John never acted improperly.”

But, Caputo maintains that male staffers complained about Travolta removing his towel, grinding against the massage table and lifting his butt in the air; “These are signs to a massage therapist that he was trying to see how much he could get away with. They went to management.”

I may need a Silkwood scrubdown now.

But first, more about Second Masseur:

The sexual assault and battery lawsuit that an Atlanta-based masseur filed against John Travolta will ALLEGEDLY never go to trial because both sides have agreed the case should be heard by a private judge behind closed doors in mediation.

Closed doors? Isn’t that what got Travolta into trouble in the first place?

Second Masseur made his blockbuster claims against Travolta just days after First Masseur filed his claim.

But the lawyers, Tarvolta’s Marty Singer, and Second Masseur’s, Okorie Okorocha, are speaking, and are working on the ground rules for the evidence and procedure about how the mediation will proceed.

A process that could take two months and many, many, more massages.

Both sides have agreed to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, so we probably won’t be getting any more cringe-inducing revelations about Travolta’s penis and buttocks.

So, there is good news, eh?

 The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge who will decide how much money, if any, the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential, but make no mistake, this will get ugly; as ugly as the image I get of Travolta’s bare ass being thrust in a man’s face.

Sorry for that one.

The secrecy not only keeps the gory details from being made public, but also allow for the Second Masseur to maintain his privacy; unless he loses, at which time he’ll be on every single talk show on the planet.

And that makes my skin crawl now.

Not much Lindsay news this week, because, apparently,m after her ridiculous turn on Glee she’s keeping a low profile. Or, she’s still passed out under a bar on Hollywood Blvd.

But that isn’t keeping her mother, Dina ‘Famewhore’ Lohan, Dina ‘I So Wanna Be Kris Jenner’ Lohan, from running her chardonnay filled yap.

Dina sat down with Access Hollywood to say that Original Recipe Lohan is “very prepared… She’s so excited to do this and it’s such an honor to play Liz Taylor.” 

Uh huh. That just means the booze and the prescription meds have arrived on-set.

Dina also thinks, and she says this with a straight, although bloated, face, that there are “so many similarities” between Elizabeth Taylor and Lindsay because “the tabloids, they attacked [Liz] as well… She’s really learned a lot, she’s grown up a lot.”

Um, yeah, remember the time the Star said Liz stole a necklace? Oh, that was Lohan.

Remember, then, when the Enquirer said Liz hijacked a car and kidnapped an innocent bystander and led police on a high speed, drug-fueled chase though LA? Oh. Lohan, again.

Yeah, the similarities are striking.

But the best part is when Dina accidentally calls Lohan’s years-long crazy shenanigans a “demise”, and adds, again, with a straight, booze addled face, that this “town is tough… Lindsay is 25, so it’s for her to talk about her demise, or whatever was going on at the time. I felt as a mother, yes, I’m going to protect my children publicly, privately, I kick their butts. I’m a single mom, of course I do!”

Demise? Um, did Lindsay die? I mean, I know she died on Glee…….

Lisa Marie Presley is preparing to release another album, Storm & Grace, because her first one was a huuuuge success, garnering her lot’s of airplay and tons of awards and…..

Oh, it didn’t do so well? Well, she’s the daughter of The King, so I imagine she’ll be releasing albums no one wants to hear for years and years.

Anyway, that’s really not noteworthy news by itself but, some lyrics form one of the songs Presley wrote for the album have surfaced and they ALLEGEDLY take major digs at phony religion, TomCruiseOlogy, er, Scientology.

The song is entitled “So Long” and it seems to cement the stories that, for the past few years, Lisa Marie has been trying to claw her way out of Scientology.

Here are some of the lyrics to “So Long,” which appears to call out the “church” as an empty institution that’s all about money and power:

This here is a city without lights

Those are all the people without eyes

Churches, they don’t have a soul

Soup for sale without a bowl

Religion so corrupt and running lives

Farewell, fair weathered friends

I can’t say I’ll miss you in the end

So long, seems that I was so wrong

Seems I wasn’t that strong

Dead wrong, and now I’m long gone

Wrong side, I’ve been sleeping on the wrong side

Stains all over my soul I can’t hide

Nothing’s more clear than goodbye

These roads they don’t lead to anything

These people they talk, they say nothing

Actors who don’t have a part

Heartfelt people with no heart

I’ll find a new crowd

Make a new start

Farewell, fair weathered friends

I can’t say I’ll miss you in the end

Yikes! This could make Tom Cruise topple off his heels!

I’m loving it.

Tyson

Tyson Beckford is forty-one. And, seriously, the hottest man alive.

And now comes word that there is a Tyson Beckford sex tape out there, though, alas, it’s of the heterosexual, hand job variety. But, hey, a queer can dream…….

Someone, and people say it might be Beckford himself, is shopping that sex tape in which he gets off, remotely, with a female model online. 

Tyson strokes Little T—or maybe Not-So-Little T--and goes on about his career, so it’s half sex tape, half resume, I’m guessing.

Tyrese

But, and this is interesting, Beckford is copping to the video feel, even Tweeting to fans—note to self: Follow Tyson on Twitter—that he's “sad but life goes on.”

“Don’t even faze me” Tyson added “We all do it, just mine got caught on film.”

Um, we don't all do, thankfully.

He also ALLEGEDLY talks about being confused with actor Tyrese Gibson, which then,m creates a whole new sex tape in my head with Tyson and Tyrese. I need to stop.

Beckford has also admitted it’s not ”much of a sex tape lol.”

Well, I’ll be the judge of that…..huh?

What? It's called research people.

Okay, I’ve already said that I’m over American Idol,which hasn’t really produced an Idol winner since Carrie Underwood back in 1974. I’m over the whole manufactured pop star fame for a group of talentless wannabes, who are savvy about using TV to get fifteen minutes—or is it seconds?—of fame.

But now comes news that guest judge, of the large ass variety—and, No, I don’t mean Randy Jacksonm—Jennifer Lopez might not be coming back.

Boo, followed quickly by, hoo.

Lopez, who was inexplicably named by Forbes magazine as the most powerful celebrity n the world, might be ending her reign of terror at American Idol after this season. While, publicly, she says she hasn’t made a decision--which just smacks of, “I’ll come back for a boatload of cash and a job for my little Boy Toy”--people are saying she’s planning on calling it quits.

Good, followed quickly by, bye.

“She’s just too busy,” one source said. And that’s true; she has two children to have her nannies take care of, and a boy--young enough to be her son--—to clothe and feed and hire.

She’s about to launch a concert tour with Enrique Iglesias that kicks off this summer in Latin America and she plans to go worldwide in the fall. In fact, she’d be on the road when the Idol auditions start so……

 “It is just like any working mom’s dilemma,” Lopez said, with a straight face because her team of nannies were watching her children so she could schtup Casper. “It’s tough. It’s a balancing act. You put them first and then you have all these other things that you have to do [schtupping the help], that you have to give your time to as well, and you have to make sure that they’re OK in the process.”

Yeah, I buy everything Lopez says. Like when she called Marc Anthony the love of her life and married him before the ink was dry on his divorce papers, only to divorce him. Or, when she married fill in the blank only to divorce him.

It’s about money. Give her an ass-sized raise and she’ll sit there for another year, and then say she has to leave because it’s so hard being a mom again, until the armored car arrives with another round of Benjamins.

STFU.

A Number of Things

Some other things I need to get off my chest.

First to the people who used to own our house.

Would it have killed you to rake a freakin' leaf up once in a while? I mean, seriously. I am still cleaning up leaves and garden crap you left behind and you haven't lived here for over two years!

I have a suggestion for your next yard: green concrete and silk plants.

Look into it.

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I watched some of Make Me A Supermodel last night because I loves me some Tyson Beckford, but that British beyotch they have is something else.

In the apartment with the models, she all sweetness and light, but then she rips them all a new one on the runway. She has, however, provided me with my newest catch phrase.

The old one was: Don't make me hit-chu wit my pocketbook, courtesy of Miss Jennifer Hudson.

My new one is: You're a tasteless version of Kate Moss.

Which I love because isn't Kate Moss a tasteless version of Kate Moss?

Just sayin'.

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Oprah is jumping into the Chris Brown/Rihanna circus, because we all know, nothing gets solved until Oprah flaps her yap.

At least while she's talking she can lay off the pies and cakes.

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Carlos and I have been together for a dog's year plus two, and I always torture him in the same ways, and he always falls for it, which makes me do it more, which makes him for for it....you see where this is going.

At breakfast today, we were having cantaloupe and homemade banana bread, with a glass of juice and cafe con leche.

As I sat down, I said, Strawberries would have been nice with the melon.

Carlos gets up and heads to the fridge, at which point I say: Oh, I don't want strawberries.

He sits down. I giggle like a four-year-old.

We eat and chat, and eat some more. Then he gets up and gets a spoon for his cafe con leche. I say, as he's walking back to the kitchen table, I guess I'm not allowed to have a spoon.

He spins around and gets a spoon.

Oh, I don't want one, I say, I was just making an observation.

Lucky for me he has a good sense of humor, and he loves me, or else I'd be down at the Smallville Greyhound Station with a paper bag and a homemade lunch, on the road out of town.

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The new rule on Idol.

Apparently the judges get to 'save' a contestant who gets the boot.

Now, they can only do it once, and it must be unanimous, so I don't really mind. I mean, if it keeps the show from being hijacked by another Sanjaya-freak-of-nature, then I'm all for it.

However.

Last night they boot off Jasmine. Ryan Gaycrest tells her that all of America hates her and she has to get out. But wait a sec, Jas, you get to sing once more so we can all see how horrible you are and revel in your misery.

So, she sings, and then they ask the judges if they want to save her.

Dawg Jackson says, uh, No!

So, apparently, Jasmine, America hates you, and then the judges tell you they hate you, too.

Of course, they replay the same scene a few minutes later with Jorge.....who shouldá stayed and they shouldá sent Anoop packing, because he sucked.

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South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says that using federal money to balance the state budget come July could “destabilize” the S.C. economy over time, and that he will not accept the $700 million in federal aid for state budgets unless South Carolina can use the money to pay off retirement, health care costs and other debts.

This makes him the the nations’ first governor to specifically reject portions of the federal aid, and Mark Sanford, Repugnant Dumbass, loves to be noticed.

Of course, his announcement came the same day as new unemployment numbers show South Carolina with the nation’s second-highest jobless rate, at 10.4 percent.

No, we don't need jobs, Marky, not here.

Dumbass.