Meme Dump Week!!

It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Marie Presley has been married ... a lot; I mean, we all know about the Michael Jackson sham and the Nicholas Cage crazy, but there are others; and that means she’s been divorced ... a lot, too. But normally her divorces are quiet and quick, until this current one—I won’t say ‘last one’ because ... it’s Lisa Marie—from Michael Lockwood, her husband of ten years, is getting ugly.

Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old girls who are now in the custody of the LA County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer ... something along the lines of child porn, though no one is really saying.

Lisa Marie says the images and videos made her “sick to her stomach” and so she called the Beverly Hills Police Department; using a search warrant, they found the questionable images and videos, and also confiscated 80 ... eighty??? ... of Michael’s devices.

Now the divorce is not just irreconcilable differences, but about the ALLEGATIONS of “sexual abuse and neglect” against Michael Lockwood and, while he wants spousal support, she is claiming to be broke.

Yup, Lisa Marie is broker than broke. She’s already gone through her $300 million inheritance from Daddy Elvis, owes $7.3 million to the IRS, is $655,000 in debt, and is living with her daughter Riley Keough and her husband.  

And, she says, her brokeness is ALLEGEDLY Lockwood’s fault because, again, she says, he stole from her and failed to make the payments on her English manor house and so she owes another $5.4 million there.

But, to be fair, this is what constitutes broke in Lisa Marie’s life: she receives $100,000 a month from her father’s estate and another $4,361 monthly for being the creative director at Graceland. Over 100K a month is broke? That’s almost $3,500 a day. I should be so broke.

Now, I don’t know if Lisa Marie is broke—okay, I know she’s not Bob Broke, she’s Presley broke—and I don’t know if her husband is some kind of Subway Jared perv, but I do know that this is one fugly split.

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Speaking of celebrity divorces, it now appears that after splitting up—perhaps because of Ben’s dalliance with the nanny—Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are finally, truly, really done being husband-and-wife.

Ben has moved out of the guest house and Jennifer is filing papers. I’m kinda glad because this marriage-is-over-but-he’s-living-in-the-guest-house-and-we-take-vacations-together mess has gone on too long.

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Poor Little Justin Bieber ... back in May 2016, an indie artist named Casey Dienel accused Justin and Skrillex of stealing a sample from her song Ring The Bell and using it without permission. So now she’s suing, but getting Justin to talk may be hard.

Bieber was scheduled to give a deposition last week, but didn’t even show up. He called in sick ... well, the nanny called in sick ... he couldn’t talk with the rectal thermometer in his mouth.

But Casey Dienel’s lawyers think he’s #FakeNews and say they have proof via several YouTube videos showing him partying with his friends in the early morning hours before his scheduled deposition... damn you, YouTube ... and then hours after calling in sick, Bieber, posted more pictures to Instagram of him drinking with his friends.

To be fair, no one ever said he was smart.

Casey’s lawyers are pissed, because they flew from Nashville to LA for the deposition, so now they want Bieber to give his make-up deposition in March in Nashville.

I imagine his excuse for missing that deposition is that he got locked inside the overhead compartment on the plane.

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Katherine Heigl had it made; she was the It Girl on Grey’s Anatomy back in the day, but then her head got too big and she ran from that show to make movies. A few were successful, but then even her films were bust so she went trotting back to TV. Her first foray of shame was in something called State of Affairs, which was cancelled about halfway through the first hour it was on.

So, don’t blink, because Heigl is back in a new show called Doubt and there is no doubt that it will die a quick death.

But this story is about her promoting Doubt on The Late Late Show with James Corden, and Corden saying he’d heard—or had been told, by Heigl—that John Mayer had something to do with her finding her husband and falling in love and blahblahblah.

See, about a month after Heigl and Josh Kelley started dating, she says that she didn’t know if he was serious, and so she started “hanging out”—banging—John Mayer; she swears they never “did it” but says she just used John  to make Josh jealous:

“[John] wasn’t interested in me in that way, but he would talk to me about like other hot girls and stuff. It was friends! But Josh didn’t know that. But Josh, to this day, doesn’t quite believe me ... But I did use it a little bit to put a fire under him. It was like, ‘Hey, if this isn’t exclusive and you’re dating other people, that’s fine, but I’m going to continuing seeing John.'”

Seriously, Josh was jealous of John Mayer? I mean, Mayer has banged garbage cans in LA and if Heigl thinks that’s an endearing quality to make Josh jealous then the two of them, the three of them, are crazy.

Or maybe Josh Kelley knew they were banging and sacrificed himself to save the world from a Heigl-Mayer spawn.

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Two years after Nicole Kidman escaped the cult of Scientology Tom Cruise, there were rumors she was dating Lenny Kravitz.  I remember hearing that and thinking, “Lucky bitch,” but neither Nicole nor Lenny ever confirmed it ... until now.

Nicole is starring in a new HBO series Big Little Lies and one of her co-stars is, small world, Lenny’s daughter Zoë Kravitz, and when Nicole was interviewed about the show and the other actresses and how they all knew each other, she said this:

“Well, I knew Zoë because I was engaged to her father. It’s all in the family! I love Lenny; he’s a great guy.”

Back in 2007, Nicole admitted she had been engaged to someone before marrying Keith Urban in 2006, but she wouldn’t say to whom ... and now we know.

Seriously, it looks like some celebrities don’t have to share their every moment with the media ... though this romance was back in the days before everyone had a smart phone and an Instagram account.

And again, I’ve seen the video of Lenny onstage and he splits his pants down the middle and so, again, “Lucky bitch.”

Even if it was a short engagement.

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Sometimes it’s best when athletes don’t speak; I mean, make your coins from your athletic prowess, but don’t talk, at all.

Case in point, Cleveland Cavalier Kyrie Irving who has just come out ... no, not that way ... to say that the earth is flat.  Oh, but he did; he said it on the Road Trippin’ with RJ & Channing podcast:

“This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. … It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.”

He says science is just opinion and that sometimes—shades of Hair Furor—they lie, because he did learn that the earth was round but found that to be a lie?

What the what? It got to be such a story in the NBA that even LeBron James weighed in, saying “if he decides he wants to say the Earth is flat, so be it. He’s an interesting guy, and he believes it.” 

What the ... ? LeBron? You need to sit down and rethink that statement because what you should have said was something along the lines of, “How cute, but the earth isn’t flat and science isn’t just some guy’s opinion.

And Irving? Child, you need to stop talking and get back to class.

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Harrison Ford is one of those movie stars who like to fly planes and for a while he was good at it. Then he flew one into the ground and seriously injured himself, and last week he ALLEGEDLY landed his plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at the John Wayne Airport in Santa Ana, California and nearly missed hitting another plane carrying 110 passengers.

And now his newest role is playing the subject of an FAA investigation because, as he was coming in for a landing on the wrong runway, he asked the tower:

“Was that airliner meant to be underneath me?”

And that answer would be, “No, fool! You aren’t supposed to be over that airliner!”

And, not only that, Ford also ALLEGEDLY misidentified what kind of plane he was piloting and was ALLEGEDLY broadcasting to the wrong tower!

I’m thinking Hans should no longer fly Solo.

See what I did there ... ah, who cares!

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Disney is doing live-action remakes of pretty much all their cartoons because M-I-C ... see ya real soon ... K-E-Y ... why, because we need the coins.

And now comes word that Disney will be doing a live version of The Little Mermaid and, color me crazy, but Lindsay Lohan wants to be the mermaid.

On her Instagram page, Lohan actually put a photo of herself alongside a picture of cartoon Ariel, and then announced that she wants Bill Condon to direct, and her sister, Ali, to do a song for the film, and that Kat Graham should play Ursula.

Sadly, were this version of The Little Mermaid be made, it would end up with Ariel in prison for killing someone in an undersea bar fight.

Seriously, Lindsay? Sit down before you fall down.

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Remember how broke Tori Spelling is? I mean, the IRS is after her, as are most credit card companies because Tori and her husband Dean McDermott don’t pay their bills.

And so what better way to try and get out of debt than to become pregnant with your fifth child and then ask your Mommy, Candy Spelling, to throw you a lavish baby shower. Nothing says I can’t pay my bills than a $40,000 party for a fetus.

Money that could have been used to pay off a credit card or, oh, I don’t know, maybe pay off Dean’s ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, the one he left after he started schtupping the married to someone else, Tori.

See, Dean owes Mary Jo thousands of dollars in back child support for their 18-year-old son Jack, and after seeing Tori’s Instagram of the FetusFest, Mary Jo is expected to rake Dean’s ass over the coals next month in court.

But, hey, back child support, or a party for your fifth child?

Asked and answered.

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So, Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black became the Cute-Hot-New-Gay couple when they hooked up a few years ago, but maybe the newly out Tom should’a waited awhile before settling down, because, ALLEGEDLY, he’s kind of a photo-sharing, model-banging player.

See, Tom ALLEGEDLY sent a soft-core—it wasn’t hard, if you get my drift—porn video to a fan on Snapchat while, he claims, that he and Dustin were Ross-and-Rachel’ing it, i.e. they were on a break.

But he also had a bit of thing, and a couple of more things, with a model named Edward William whom he met on a London street. They started “hanging out” a year after Tom and Dustin became an item, and Edward has ALLEGEDLY “hung out” with both men several times.

But then Edward and Tom became “f**k buddies” whenever Dustin left town and for a year-and-a-half Ed was Tom’s booty call. Now, to be fair, some folks say Tom and Dustin have an open relationship so maybe Dustin knew?

But if he knew, and he saw that guy, wouldn’t he have gone off? I mean, I would ...

Edward and Tom stopped doing each other in 2015 when Tom got engaged to Dustin and Edward found a boyfriend who was less trick and more full-time.

Happy endings all around, or so it appears.

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Would You Hit It?

British Olympic diver, newly out boyfriend to Dustin Lace Black, Tom Daley.

And one simple question:

Would.You.Hit.It?

Yes or No.

Random Musings

Last weekend we had The Three; when bad things—or in our case, not bad just inconvenient—happen they usually come in Threes:

Number One: we have a fake tree — I have a yard full of pine trees, real pine trees, so I don’t like the idea of cutting one down just to decorate it and then throw it out — and we were putting it up when we realized that only about ten-percent of the lights worked in spotty areas of the tree. So we made a note to get some more lights for the tree on our way out.

Number Two: on our way out, we pushed the button to open the garage door and the bar that attached the door to the track so the door can be raised, snapped off the door. The pin that held the bar to the door had broken. So, we stopped in at The Homo Depot for lights, a pin, and a couple of cotter pins to fix the door.

Number Three: upon returning home I made a sandwich and sat down to watch some TV. There was a giant green strip running down the TV splitting the picture 70/30.

Threes.

Sidenote: Good news. While we debated on having the TV repaired or buying a new one if it was too expensive, we checked with one of our Smallville TV repair shops. The owner told us to try our DVD player and see if the green stripe was there, and then to turn off the TV and all its components at the power surge switch for five minutes.

Guess what? No more stripe. Apparently it had something to do with the cable rebooting itself and so the TV had to reboot as well. And that fix was free thanks to the good folks at Hall TV Repair!

Big news in the Coming Out Department this week …

Tom Daley didn’t Come Out. As gay. He came out saying he was dating a man, but didn’t feel the need to label himself.

“One thing I consider to be pretty important is to have some form of private life and you're probably thinking 'well why did you do a book and why did you do a documentary and stuff' but I've only ever talked about things I feel comfortable talking about. …It’s one of those things where in an ideal world I shouldn’t be doing this video because it shouldn’t matter but recently I was misquoted in an interview and it made me feel really angry and frustrated. Emotions that I’ve never felt before when reading quotes about myself. 

Honesty, for me is something I really do believe in. And I’ve always been honest. I may have been vague in some of my answers, but one thing I’ve never felt that comfortable talking about are my relationships, because it is what I get asked even if I’m doing sporting interviews ‘do you have a girlfriend, who are you seeing’ all that sort of stuff. 

I mean, I've been dating girls and I've never really had a serious relationship to talk about. Now I kind of feel ready to talk about relationships. Come Spring this year, my life changed, massively, when I met someone and they make me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great. 

Well that someone is a guy. And it did take me by surprise a little bit. It was always in the back of my head that something like that could happen. But it wasn’t until spring this year that something just clicked, it felt right. And I was like: OK. 

Like I said, my whole world just changed right there and then. Of course, I still fancy girls, but right now I’m dating a guy and I couldn’t be happier. I feel safe and it just feels right. “

Lotsa folks, gay and straight, are annoyed that he didn’t say, with trumpets and flags, I’m gay but what does it matter to us. He said he found someone he loved and who made him feel safe and that someone is a man.

Good for Tom.

PS That secret someone didn’t stay secret for long, because it was revealed a day later to be none other than screenwriter and LGBT activist Dustin Lance Black.

Congrats to the happy couple.

Overheard at work:

Female coworker: “Wow, Bob, I like your new haircut.”

Bob: “I like yours too, though I do think Bette Davis wore it better in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?.

So the OMM—er, the One Million Moms … er, the 47,000 Moms to be accurate—is mighty pissed off at Macy’s for including a performance from the Broadway musical Kinky Boots during their annual parade:

“The annual tradition for family entertainment had a not-so-discrete agenda this time around. This year's parade chose to send a Politically Correct message, but their plan backfired and the statement they really sent to families is that Macy's cannot be trusted.

"Raise You Up" was not suitable for families for many reasons. The inappropriate act starred Kinky Boots, referencing a musical written to celebrate the differences in each other and included: (all) the men and women in thigh-high boots [mostly red pleather while others were sparkly "hooker" boots], a man in boxer shorts and men in burlesque and Moulin rouge costumes prancing around expressing themselves, RuPaul (famous drag queen) along with several men dressed in drag, transgender and transvestites, singing and dancing as an expression of "diversity" and honoring whatever sexuality you want.

The performance was sexually charged and quite offensive. Here are some, but not all of the lyrics to the song they chose to sing, to give you a better idea:

Accept yourself and you'll accept others too.Let love shine.Let pride be your guide.Change the world when you change your mind.Just be who you wanna be.You're beautiful; it's beautiful! 

Shame on Macy's for promoting this. We cannot trust Macy's Dept. Store any longer. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. It is clear that Macy's does not have our children's best interest in mind.

Macy's needs to know that trust must be earned and once trust is lost it is difficult to get back.”

A couple of things:

Those lyrics are offensive? Accept yourself? Have pride? You’re beautiful?

And, um, OMM, that wasn’t RuPaul, that was Tony winner Billy Porter. Not every Black man in drag is RuPaul.

So …. TV

Also at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was a performance of the upcoming Live! TV airing of Carrie Underwood in The Sound of Music!

Except the performance was “I Am Sixteen Going On Seventeen” a cute, but kinda nonsensical choice. Why not have Carrie sing ♫♪ The hills are alive with the sound of music ♪♫ or ♫♪ Doe, a deer a female deer … etc ♪♫?

Well, maybe because we’d all be reminded that Carrie Underwood, while a capable singer, is no Julie Andrews.

I was reading that the new CBS show Mom was actually getting better. I watched the first episode — produced by the same dude that does 2.5 Men — and found it to be cheesy and dumb. But, hey, maybe changes were made, and I do like Ana Faris and Allison Janney, so I went back,

Cheesy and dumb.

Not nearly as cheesy and dumb as Kirstie Alley’s new show, Kirstie! With her former Cheers co-star Rhea Pearlman — trying not to be Carla — and former Seinfeld co-star Michael Richard — still playing Kramer … at least in the pilot.

Dumb.

Also in the Coming Out Department is actress Maria Bello who announced that she is, and has been in a relationship with a woman named Claire.

But, like Tom Daley, Bello isn’t saying she’s gay, she’s simply saying that she’s in love with a woman.

Do we need to hear the words? Do we need to label folks? Or, can we just be happy that people are in love?

Okay, it’s no secret that I loathe Mama Grizzly Bore™. I have since the moment McCain plucked her off the Alaskan tundra where she was looking at Russia to be his choice for Veep.

I loathe her ignorance; he aw shucks-itude; her holier than thou rollerness; and her stupidity.

And I loathe how she turns every anti-Obama speech she gives into something about slavery. She did that recently when talking about US debt to China, and said she wasn’t a racist but that’s what all racists say before they say racist things.

Then, Martin Bashir of MSNBC took her to task for the slavery remarks, and told vile stories of how slaves had been treated; including one where a slave who dared to talk back to his master was held down, his mouth opened, so another slave could defecate in his mouth.

Bashir thought MGB™ might deserve that same treatment.

And I thought he went too far; MGB™ is full of sh*t, there’s no doubt, but his analogy was wrong and stupid and insensitive. And it has apparently caused him to resign from his post at MSNBC following a so-called vacation from the airwaves.

I imagine the Mama Grizzly Bore™ is killing wolves and moose in celebration as we speak.

So, remember Dayna Morales, the gay server who said she got an anti-gay message on a credit card receipt in lieu of a tip?

Well, apparently she is out of a job. The Gallop Asian Bistro, where Morales worked, posted on their Facebook page that Dayna “is currently not on our employee schedule while (we) are still working to complete our investigation.”

I hope, if it turns out that Morales lied — and how hard would that be to prove, just look at the original receipt which the restaurant must still have — that Dayna gets kicked to the curb.

We have enough people in this country that hate us for being gay, we don’t need this kind of attention.

I Didn't Say It ...

Tom Daley, British diver, coming out ... as straight:

"I think it’s funny when people say I’m gay... I laugh it off. I’m not. But even if I was, I wouldn’t be ashamed. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest what people thought. But I can understand why I have a massive gay following – I spend most of my life half naked in trunks on a diving board showing off my bare chest. I often joke I wear more to bed than I do to work. But I’m cool with my gay following. It’s great to have gay fans even though my friends gently take the mick. I just think about my diving.”

I think about your diving, too, and that teeny weenie bikini you’re wearing while doing so.

Pia Z’adorable.

Bryan Fischer, American Family Association spokesbigot, saying gay rights activists are modern day Nazis: 

"That's what homosexual activists want to do today. Not physically, but through intimidation and legal action and harassment do the same thing to Christians today. They are not content to 'live and let live.' They've go to punish. They've got to destroy. They've got to eliminate. They've got to marginalize. They've got to neutralize. They've got to completely silence any voice that defends man-woman marriage and the abiding truths of the word of God."

I consider myself a bit of a gay activist — being out and vocal and all — and I have zero problems with most Christians. My problem is with those Christians who seek to use their religion, forgetting all others, to make law in this country.

SIDENOTE: Fischer says he knows "for a matter of historical record" that Hitler's top stormtroopers were gay and that the Nazi Party started in a gay bar.

Um, was he there? In the gay bar? Answer that question, Bryan.

Sandy Rios, American Family Association spokesmodel and bigot, on how a US military intervention in Syria will fail because of women and The Gays: 

"When I looked at those battleships going into the Mediterranean, supposedly getting ready for battle in Syria, I couldn't help think about all the stories I've read about how women now are in the ranks of the Navy, getting pregnant at exponential numbers; when I think about the folding in and the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell and the homosexual takeover of so much of our military I'm not sure how effective those naval ships will be."

Once again, Sandy Rios dumbs down women and The Gays into groups that think only about sex and nothing else.

I wonder if Rios was in that gay bar with Fischer and the Nazis because she's so all-consumed with the sex that other people are having. It's all she thinks about.

Sandy quite possibly needs to get laid.

Barry Smitherman, the Texas Railroad Commission Chairman who is running for Attorney General, on Texas secession:

"We are uniquely situated because we have energy resources, fossil and otherwise, and our own independent electrical grid. Generally speaking, we have made great progress in becoming an independent nation, an ‘island nation’ if you will, and I think we want to continue down that path so that if the rest of the country falls apart, Texas can operate as a stand-alone entity with energy, food, water and roads as if we were a closed-loop system."

Don’t forget, you moron, that your ‘island nation’ works both ways, and when you have another horrific explosion at one of your unregulated factories don’t ask the US of A for help; when the tornados comes, well, sorry, and when the hail storms hit, take care of yourself. Works both ways, ya crackpot!

Wentworth Miller, at a Human Rights Campaign event, on growing up gay, and being gay in Hollywood:

"Growing up I was a target. Speaking the right way, standing the right way, holding your wrist the right way. Every day was a test and there was a thousand ways to fail...A thousand ways to portray yourself to not live up to someone else's standards of what was accepted....The first time I tried to kill myself I was 15. I waited until my family went away for the family and I was alone in the house and I swallowed a bottle of pills. I don't remember what happened over the next couple of days but I'm pretty sure come Monday morning I was on the bus back to school pretending everything was fine .... I had multiple opportunities to speak my truth, which is that I was gay, but I chose not to. I was out privately to family and friends. Publicly, I was not. I chose to lie. When I thought about the possibility of coming out, how that might impact me and the career I worked so hard for, I was filled with fear."

That sums up the childhood of so many LGBTQ youth, and wouldn’t it be better if we just accepted everyone as who they are, and didn’t try to label them, denigrate them, insult them.

Just think how many kids would no longer think about suicide and that should be enough to make people stop.