Snarky Thoughts

Reality show “star” and future prisoner of Cellblock Q, Todd Chrisley has “fired back” at claims that he had an affair with Mark Braddock, his ex-business partner who turned him in for bank fraud. Todd says he would never get fucked by Mark and would rather be rumored to be fucked by Brad Pitt or George Clooney. 

My Thought: Yes, straight men sit around and think about who they’d like to fuck them. Bend over and pick up the soap, Todd.

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Last year, Bond producers put the kibosh on my dream of seeing 50-year-old Idris Elba donning James Bond’s tuxedo by saying that they’re looking for an actor in his 30s to take over the role from Daniel Craig. And to that end they have met with 32-year-old Aaron Taylor-Johnson, left, and 30-year-old Lucien Laviscount.

My Thought: I’ve seen Taylor-Johnson nekkid and he is what I would call more 0014 than 007, if you get my meaning, but I’m still leaning toward dreamy Lucian to shake my martini.

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After last year when Ryan Seacrest pitched a hissy because Drunk Andy Cohen called him and his New Year’s Eve show “boring,” this year Ryan is pissy because Sober Andy Cohen ignored him during the end of the year festivities when Ryan tried to wave at him in Times Square.

My thought: Come on out, Ryan, and ask Cohen on a date, because it’s clear you have some fixation on him.

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Once again Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her appearance and once again she claims it’s because of her hair or her make-up or her new clip-in bangs. After Khloé’s cover shoot for Sorbet magazine many of Taylor Swift fans accused Khloé of stealing Swifty’s look, while Khloé  took to The Gram to blame it on the choppy bangs.

My Thought: I don’t get Taylor Swift at all, but I also don’t get Khloé Kardastrophe. She should figure out who she wants to look like, because it sure isn’t herself, and it’ll never be Beyoncé or Swifty.

PS Here's some of Khloé’s transformations through the years.

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Is Mimi trying to be the George Santos of the music industry now? While Mariah Carey has called herself the Queen of Christmas forever, this year after seeking to trademark the title, and being told to Piss Off, she graciously gave the title to Darlene Love and all seemed right with the world. Until Mariah decided to tell the tale that she wrote her Christmas “classic” all by her lonesome and not with her writing partner Walter Afanasieff, who then came for Mimi:

“She started to hint at the fact that, ‘Oh, I wrote that song when I was a little girl.’ But why weren’t you saying that for 12 or 13 or 15 years prior to that? So it just sort of developed in her mind. She doesn’t play anything, she doesn’t play keyboard or piano. She doesn’t understand music, she doesn’t know chord changes and music theory or anything like that. She doesn’t know a diminished chord from a minor seventh chord to a major seventh chord, so to claim that she wrote a very complicated chord-structured song with her finger on a Casio keyboard when she was a little girl, it’s kind of a tall tale.”

For her part, Mimi says she never said that BUT in 2017, during an interview with Billboard, she said:

“I am proud of this song that I wrote basically as a kid on my little Casio keyboard.” 

And then as liars do, she changed the story again, saying now:

“I was up at the farm, upstate where we did the video, and it was nighttime, and I was just walking around, and I got the idea for the song. I don’t know where it came from, sometimes things just come to me like that. That melody just came into my head, the verse melody. And then, I was walking around, and I just went in and I had a little keyboard set up there and I just kind of finished the lyrics and the melody just came pretty quickly.”

My Thought: All I want for Christmas is for Mariah to stop talking and stop caterwauling that song.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gosh I love dirt … and now a celebrity stylist by the name of Tamaran is giving me life, and possibly ruining her career, by dishing on who is the absolutely worst when it comes to diva behavior.

Tamaran, who worked as an assistant to several stylists from 2008 to 2017, unloaded about her former clients, like JLo:

“I knew this one for years. There’s a reason why she can’t hold down a costumer or a seamstress. In order to talk to J Lo you can’t look at her. In order to talk to her you have to talk to God.”

And Katherine Heigl: 

“If 2020 was a career, it would be Katherine Heigl. Friends of mine who have worked on set with her and photoshoots have told me that she is extremely difficult and always mad.”

On Jessica Alba: 

“If 2020 was an attitude it would be Jessica Alba…she’s not nice. She loves to rub hummus on her dress, play mind games with you, [and] she does this thing where she talks to you while not talking to you.

On Alexis Knapp: 

“There’s some celebrities who pay, some who take forever to pay, and some who just don’t pay because they think their name is enough … that was Alexis Knapp. [Her 2015 MTV Movie awards look] was one of the most difficult looks to put together. Whilst being fitted in this dress, Alexis decided it would be wonderful to eat a slice of chocolate ice cream cake. Part of the cake melted onto the dress, and guess who had to clean it? Oh, but it gets better … a designer lent Alexis $1,300 worth of jewelry … and let’s just say that she couldn’t ‘find it’. When my boss asked for payment, Alexis responded with, ‘I needed to pay you?’”

Tamaran wasn’t all negative; she said nice things about actor Jacob Elordi, George Clooney and Ariel Winter, and says Carrie Underwood is “the sweetest person on the planet” and Selena Gomez is, “one of the most professional human beings in the industry.” 

Now, I get JLo because she was almost nominated for an Oscar for playing herself in a movie so she has an ego as big as her ass; and I get Heigl because she thinks she’s a major star but she’s really a TV hack-tress looking for work, but that Alexis Knapp?

Who is she? JLo Jr.?

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Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello first became a thing last July and while many thought it was just a stunt that created in a PR firm basement to promote their single and take the heat off the rumors that Shawn is a big old homo, they proved everyone wrong by fulfilling their long-term relationship contract.

And now they are, ahem, “on a break.”

Sources say 22-year-old Shawn and 23-year-old Camila are taking some time apart to focus on their respective music careers even though it was their music careers that brought them together in the first place.

Huh? What? Rumor has it that, after quarantining in in Camila’s Miami home, the two would head back to Shawn’s place in LA, until Camila said, “Uh, naaaa.” But maybe their love will return because their respective representatives say, as a way of proof, that neither has erased the other from their social media accounts.

True love, or just the idea that relationships created for social media never really die …they just face away.

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A funny, makes perfect sense, totally insane, Tom Cruise story about running.

Cruise spends a lot of time in his films running, and now actress Annabelle Wallis, who co-starred with Tom in 2017’s reboot-bomb of The Mummy, is following in the footsteps of Thandie Newton and Rob Lowe and spilling the tea on Cruise Crazy by revealing that no one … no one … is allowed to run in the same shot as Tom Cruise until she let him watch her run. Wallis explains:

“I got to run on-screen with him, but he told me no at first. He said, ‘Nobody runs on-screen [with me],’ and I said, ‘But I’m a really good runner.’ So, I would time my treadmill so that he’d walk in and see me run. And then he added all these running scenes. So, that was it. It was, like, better than an Oscar. I was so happy! I was so happy that I got to run on-screen with Tom Cruise.”

Perhaps it’s because Tom equates women running from him than with him.

Amirite Katie? Amirite Nicole?

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He says he didn’t go under the knife!

Bitch.Please! On the left is a still photo of 51-year-old Todd Chrisley, the not-the-least-bit-gay daddy on reality hot mess, Chrisley Knows Best from last March, while on the right is a picture that Todd Chrisley posted on Instagram a few days ago.

Looks like his Throw-Back-Thursday went back about 30 years. But Todd Chrisley swears, and stomps his feet and hisses, and swears again that his new look is not the work of Melanie and Ivanka’s doctor, but that it’s just a little Botox and … wait for it, it’s the height of delusional …the work of God.

Again … Bitch.Please!

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Juicy … it looks as if Lori “Big House Aunt Becky” Loughlin and her husband, Mossimo Giannulli, also dragged their “social media” star daughter, Olivia Jade, into their college scam scheme.

While Lori and Mossimo finally pleaded guilty to their role in the College Admissions Scandal, by admitting to paying $500,00 to scam artist Rick Singer, to get their daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose, into USC by faking some rowing credentials, the prosecutors just  released a memo to the judge in which they explain Lori and Mossimo told Olivia to keep a low-profile around her suspicious high school counselor. It doesn’t help that those pictures of Olivia on the rowing machine, which I’m sure she thought was some kind of Pilates apparatus, are more evidence that she was probably in on it.

According to the prosecution, Olivia asked her parents if she should tell her high school guidance counselor that USC was her first pick of universities, and Lori and Mossimo ALLEGEDLY told her to keep it on the down low. Lori said:

“Yes… But it might be a flag for the weasel to meddle. Don’t say too much to that man.”

Mossimo then called the counselor a “nosey bastard.” 

These new revelations could hurt the deal Lori and Mossimo made. As part of Mossimo’s plea deal, he’ll serve five months in prison, pay a $250,000 fine, and do 250 hours of community service. Lori will do two months in prison, 100 hours of community service, and a $150,000 fine. They both will, have two years of probation after they get out of the Fuller Big House but …

The judge could take this new information in hand and change their sentences and fines and probation, and maybe even send Olivia to jail, too.

Sorry, not sorry. I’d like to see this whole entitled, self-involved cheating lying scheming scamming family in adjoining cells.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

The Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s ain't got nuthin' on Stewart and Paltrow.

Yup, the Rich White Lady feud goes on. As y'all remember, back in October, Martha Stewart published a Thanksgiving pie recipe in her Martha Stewart Living magazine called Conscious Coupling. 

Well, Gwyneth has yanked her hoops out her ears and fired back by posting a recipe called Jailbird Cake to GOOP.

Next up, Martha's Jennifer-Lawrence-Is-A-Tart-Who’s-Banging-Your-Ex-Husband, followed soon by Paltrow's Orange Is The New Black Forest Cake.

Rich bitch feuds are funny.

So, Kyle Chrisley — son of reality TV matriarch patriarch Todd Chrisley — has told Life & Style that Daddy is definitely gay:

“All the people he calls his best friends in the world…they’re gay. I used to work with him at Chrisley Asset Management. If one of the asset managers was going to take a piss, he would say, ‘You want me to come hold it for you?’”

The gay rumors are nothing new since a handful of former employees ALLEGE that Daddy Chrisley used to regularly comment on the size of their junk, and would invite make employees to, ahem, "jerk off’ with him in the restroom;" Daddy has also been accused of inappropriately touching employees, and making sexual gestures toward subordinates.

Asked to comment on his son's latest allegations, Todd instead let a rep speak for him:

"[Todd] is not concentrating on the words that Kyle is saying, but rather on getting him the necessary psychiatrist and medical care he so desperately needs.” 

Snap. Sonny says daddy’s a 'mo, and daddy says sonny is crazy. Lovely family, no?

No.

Onto Lohan ... Since things seem to be going so well for Lindsay in London — she's actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible — rumor has it that she's ready to ply her trade — not that trade — in Hollywood again.

A source close to Lohan — set down the Chardonnay and take a bow, Dina — says that when Speed-The-Plow wraps next week, Lohan will be heading back to the big screen in a trio of star turns:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

Well, according to IMDB, those "star turns" are in films like a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. And her co-stars are listed as "Starbucks barista" and "GAP shirt-folder."

Yeas, she's making a comeback—

Comeback?!!? I hate that word: It's a return!

Who’s the bigger queen, Elizabeth, or William and Kate?

With Duchess Kate and Prince William coming to the US in a couple of weeks, the British Monarchy has sent out a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. So, if you even think about asking Kate a question while wearing a GAP t-shirt, or some kind of Sears schmata, think again because you will not be allowed anywhere near royalty.

Here’s what you need to know — direct from the Palace:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family. Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Turned away is Brit-speak for hauled off to the Tower of London where you will be beheaded.

Leave those Reeboks at home, y’all, it ain’t worth dying over.

So, when last we left Halle Berry, she was trying to have her child support payments to ex-baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, cut from 16K a month to just 3K because she says Gabriel’s living off her dough. But, the judge in the case told Halle to take a seat and rethink both her lawsuit and her recent career choices — Extant, anyone — but Halle ain’t playing.

Now, she’s filed another suit because she says Gabriel is … wait for it … it borders on child abuse … straightening and lightening their daughter Nahla’s hair.

Oh.The.Humanity. In the court papers — and, seriously, to Halle Berry this is a lawsuit — Halle claims that Gabriel has denied dyeing Nahla’s hair, so Halle cut a piece out and sent it to a lab for testing. Halle says she noticed a difference in her daughter’s hair when Nahla returned from a visit to Gabriel in August 2013, saying: 

"Gabriel continues to maintain that he has done and is doing nothing to cause the extensive straightening, color changes, stripping and damaging of our daughter’s hair. [But] I have personally observed the changes in Nahla’s hair texture and color over the last year. I have never personally experienced hair damage nor have I ever known a single person whose hair has suffered such excessive changes from spending time in a salt water pool (or even chlorinated water) and sunlight."

Then Halle offered up ‘before and after’ photos of Nahla to the court and said:

"I have since reviewed the laboratory report concerning this very hair sample that I obtained, which confirms to me that Gabriel has not been truthful about what he has done and had been doing to our daughter’s hair. I continue to worry about the potential psychological and physical damage to Nahla that can be caused by the use of chemical hair treatments and the psychological message that it conveys to Nahla, and to implore the court to put a stop to Gabriel’s attempts to alter our daughter’s appearance and most probably cause her to wonder why her natural appearance is not good enough."

Apparently Halle’s lawyer actually claimed that Gabriel is trying to make Nahla look white — okay, that’s what TMZ says, though Halle’s own words seem to suggest it, too — and a judge actually ordered Gabriel to stop changing Nahla’s hair. But, he’s also ordered Halle to stop futzing with their daughter’s appearance, too.

Seriously? Maybe Nahla asked her Daddy to fix her hair, and maybe she didn’t. Did anyone ask her? Or did they just file a lawsuit? A hair injunction? I think Halle needs to get a hobby, and by hobby I mean anything that doesn’t involve her suing her daughter’s father every other week.

I Didn't Say It ...

President Barack Obama, on John Boehner’s lawsuit: 

"There are a number of Republicans, including a number in the Texas delegation, who are mad at me for taking these actions. They actually plan to sue me. Now, I don't know which things they find most offensive — me helping to create jobs, or me raising wages, or me easing the student loan burdens, or me making sure women can find out whether they're getting paid the same as men for doing the same job. I don't know which of these actions really bug them."

Probably all of them, because Obama wasn’t helping the NRA or the One Percent, which we all know as the major donors to the GOP.

Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor, on continuing to fight same-sex marriage even though he lost that battle in his own state:

“I don’t think that there’s going to be some major referee who’s going to say now it’s time to stop. Certainly I’m not going to, because these are opinions that I feel strongly about. … The country will resolve this over a period of time, but do I think it’s resolved now? No.”

Good luck carrying that theme into a presidential campaign, asshat.

Matt Bomer, on being nominated for an Emmy for The Normal Heart: 

"I couldn't even speak for the first minute, I was overcome with gratitude, just the moment was so profound for me. I've been working in TV for 13 years and to have this moment, I was completely overwhelmed and had to collect myself for a bit. [My husband] Simon knew firsthand how hard I worked on this role, how much we put into it, myself as an actor, and us collectively as a family. It was just really great to get to share that moment with him."

Sheesh. He’s hot, he’s talented, he’s gay and he’s sweet. No wonder he’s my husband … in my head.

Keith Ablow, Fox News wingnut, on California Governor Jerry Brown's decision to replace the terms "husband" and "wife" with "spouse" in the state's marriage laws:

"Here's the thing, the states need to get out of the marriage business. There's no way that the state of California can deny a marriage license to four spouses now. Eight spouses, or I would say three human spouses and the canine they absolutely love because if love is the foundation of marriage, they can love their dog, too."

Huh, maybe someone should teach Ablow to read because the new wording is singular — “spouse” — not plural, as in many wives or husbands; and since once has to be able to read and write and sign one’s name to a marriage license that eliminates, um, dogs and horses and trees and cars.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice, on the Hobby Lobby decision:

"Religious organizations exist to foster the interests of person subscribing to the same religious faith. Not so of for-profit corporations. Workers who sustain the operations of those corporations commonly are not drawn from one religious community."

She needs to start kicking ass and taking names on SCOTUS.

Todd Chrisley, star of USA’s reality show Chrisley Knows Best, on ‘the gay’ rumors:

“I don't believe that being gay is something you should be ashamed of. I don't believe it's something you should hide. And if I wanted to date someone, I would call you and I would ask you go to dinner with me. But right now, I'm very content in my life with where I am. Today, I'm not gay.”

Nice sentiment, all right, especially coming from someone who pings my Gaydar like a sledgehammer on a church bell, but I’ll take him at his word, with one caveat:

Today you’re not gay? Yesterday, maybe? Tomorrow, perhaps? That’s one odd thing to say.