Thursday, September 02, 2021


The other day I took Carlos to an eye appointment with a local doctor who specializes in low-vision eye problem. The appointment was set for 9:30 and we arrived at 9AM because, as I told Carlos, that way if there was paperwork to fill out we could get it done.

Imagine my surprise when the nurse handed Carlos a stack of papers to fill out and he handed her back a stack and told her he’d filled them out ahead of time. Uh huh … we arrived early for … ? So, we sat, and waited, until about fifteen minutes after his appointment time, when Carlos was called back, and he actually muttered something about them making him wait.

And then I waited for three hours while he saw the doctor. But all was not lost, because an elderly woman came in and sat down about four seats from me and began singing I’ll Be Loving You. The.Entire.Song. As she finished, I looked at the lady across from me and asked why they weren’t serving drinks during the cabaret portion of the wait. Next up, was her rendition of On The Sunny Side of The Street to offer us a little up-tempo number.

And the old woman wasn’t through; she entered the Spoken Word section of the show and proceeded to regale us with this story:

“I’m missing my stories. I watch then every morning at 9AM and every night at midnight. I love my stories. Perry Mason. I love Perry Mason. Oh, he’s such handsome man. I wanna slather him in butter and sop him up with a biscuit.”

I died. I also died when, again, on the way home Carlos whined about having to sit for fifteen minutes while I had a three-hour wait, a cocktail-free floor show, and gained some insight about who rocks an old woman’s boat.

But by all means, sit by and do nothing and let it happen, or … CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!

The European Union has recommended that all 27 of its member nations reinstate restrictions on tourists from the U.S. because of rising coronavirus infections there.

This is what happens when you act the fool, America.

Normally I am really quick with a comeback, but when I get stumped, I really get stumped.

We had a woman come into the office and she and I were speaking and laughing and joking. When I finished with her, she told me that I had been very bice and could she ‘praise’ me. Praise me? I thought maybe she meant leave a nice review of me on our website, but I wasn’t sure so I said:

“Excuse me?”

And she said:

“Can I pray for you?”

Now, I had always assumed that you pray for people who need help. Edna’s husband is sick, so say a prayer for him. Bobby Dean lost his job down at the Feed Store, pray for him. But pray for me because I was nice? I quickly thought of something to say and this is what came out:

“Nah, I’m good.”

Now my co-workers wanna pray for me.

Down in Texas, the GQP has passed a new state law, signed by asshat governor Greg Abbott, that bans abortion after as early as six weeks.

Sorry, women, Texans and Republicans don’t think you can make your own healthcare choices.

Vehement anti-vax rocker Eric Clapton has just dropped a musical rant against pandemic restrictions and vaccines.

Sorry, not buying the song or his ideas.

This week we had some business at City Hall and the bank in Smallville. Like most banks during the height of the pandemic, ours was drive-thru only, and though the lobby was open now I still drive-thru.

As did the man in the monster truck who pulled in beside us. His truck was so high off the ground that he had to get out of the truck to use the drive-thru. As his door opened, I said to Carlos:

“Big truck, little dick.”

And out popped this Pocket Redneck who barely reached the bottom of the driver’s seat, and he stood out there and did his banking and then, hand to the Baby Jeebus, he jumped off the ground, grabbed his steering wheel and hosted himself into the driver’s seat.

Very little penis, I thought.

This is Chris Williamson, who hails from the Northeastern Great Britain and is host of the Modern Wisdom podcast where he discusses anything from fitness tips to relationship advice, to the five best books you’ve never read.

He’ sexy and smart and fit and opinionated and he’s giving me Liev Schreiber little brother realness and I’m good with that.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sounds like you had a MUCH better time at the doctor's than Carlos did, LOL!

Mistress Maddie said...

The best part is you didn't even pay for the floor I didn't need that visual of Perry Mason.

And Texas. As if I needed another reason to despise that fucking state. I will never step foot in that dump.

Helen Lashbrook said...

Our revered Dear Leader Bozo Johnson wanted American visitors to keep on coming, so desperate is he to overcome Joe Biden's quite understandable distaste for a der Trumpenfuhrer supporter. Bozo refused to stop visitors coming from India earlier in the year, despite the risk of the Delta variant, because he wanted to visit that turd Modi. The EU has more sense.

Welcome back @MM

Deedles said...

I hope for your sanity's sake, that the woman didn't sing off-key. I wish I had entertainment like that during my tedious retinalogist visits. What's with these people, booking six or seven patients at the same time?
Hey, let's not judge a book by its cover. Truck guy maybe okay. I hear big things come with little packages, or something like that.
A live Schreiber is much better than a dead one. Bobulah, I think your SpellCheck has a wicked sense of humor :)
@Maddie- visualize the new Perry Mason instead of Raymond Burr (gorgeous eyes). I don't remember the actor's name, but he is so very easy on the eyes. Della Street and Paul Drake are gay in this version, too.

Bob said...

It would have been better with a cocktail!

Plus, that'd be a lot of butter if you wanted to slather all of Burr!
Texas can FOAD*

*h/t Anne Marie

Well, Boris is just Thing 45 with a British accent.

I will now be submitting all my posts to you for approval. F**k SpellCheck, I need DeedlesCheck™.
That said, a live Liev gets MY motor revving.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Ok, so you never asked that lady for her number? Can you imagine what giving her a little wine could do? I have a dentist's appointment in two weeks and if nobody sings while I wait, I'm going to go all Karen on them.
Re: Texas. *UGH* Tuxedo is right, as always.
And Chris has a podcast and LOOKS LIKE THAT? Missed opportunity.
George Takei, I love.


Bob said...

I may hire her for our next party ... music and musings!

Deedles said...

If a live Liev doesn't get a person's motor revving, that said person is dead. Just my opinion. DeedlesCheck would never, ever use asterisks instead of letters. You see the uc clearer with the substitute stars. Well, I do anyway. Just keep the SpellCheck. It tickles me. I'm forgetting how to spel wurds anywhey.

Dave R said...

Age effects people differently, did she ask for tips?

Yes, the minority group known as Conservatives are happy, that will change.

Texans like to claim everything is bigger in Texas, including stupidity.

Clapton? He'd be nothing with Layla.

I'm surprised the truck wasn't red, too.

the dogs' mother said...

(Carlos) (Tuxedo)
OMG! That doctor visit!!!
xoxo :-)

Bob said...

I sometimes like to pretend I have manners and so I leave the uc outta fuck.

I might have tipped her, had their been cocktails.

It was a literal hoot.

Deedles said...

Dear, sweet Bobulah, you are a f**kin' gentleman!

Jennifer said...

Texas: the place where masks are a violation of a person's bodily autonomy but a woman can't have the say so over what happens to her uterus. Fucking Taliban is what it is.

Moving with Mitchell said...

Oh, Tuxedo, if only it were as simple as just voting. We have to wait until the idiot justices die. THAT is American democracy. Grab your coat and grab your hat. Leave your worries on the doorstep...

Bob said...

Oh, now I'm bulshing .... er, blushing.

Texas Taliban indeed.

Tuxedo just wants us all to vote to get a majority so next time some rapist racist adulterer tries to jam through his racist rapist friends, we can put a stop to it.

The song had just left my head and you put it back. Grrrrrrrrr

uptonking said...

They'll inject bleach, take horse dewormer, and drugs that are for something that has nothing to do with viruses, but they will NOT take the vaccine... because it might do them harm????

I like curly hair.

Truck story... LOL. Typical. I'm like.. why you got a truck if you never haul anything? What is that about? If you're not a landscaper than drive a prius.

Eric Clapton got in trouble early in his career for demanding from the stage that all immigrants be kicked out of England. So.. yeah. Wrong side of everything.

Women should move out of Texas. Period. Teach 'em a lesson.

I don't know why anyone with any sense would think that was an appropriate question. I can't even think of equivalent. "You're nice, may I finger you now?" Just strange. Icky nada, Merlin. Where the F do you work? Hell?

I would close borders to us, too. Sigh. I am kinda over America.

Again... over America. If I cash everything out, where can I live on the cheap and still have access to healthcare?

Bob... this waiting room story is my favorite story you have ever told. I wish I had been there... I always have a tiny bottle of gin in my back pack... cuz... you never know. Right?

Bohemian said...

Chris Williamson would float this Old Woman's Boat, but Perry Mason... Jeez that broad hadda be really Old! LMAO at your Entertainment in the Waiting Room! Rednecks with Big Trucks or carrying oversized Arsenal are trying to overcompensate for something lacking, you're probably spot on, light in the pants. The Midlife Crisis Sports Cars always get me laughing, why does every aging Straight White Male think they need one of those I wonder? *Ha ha ha*

Bob said...

I wait for the day when someone tells me they trust a veterinary drug more than this vaccine. I need to see stupid face-to-face.
That truck was snow white, not scratch dent or hint of dirt, with gorgeous silver rims. Not a working truck by any stretch!
Clapton just wants to put on some shows for the money and doesn’t care if it spreads the virus and people die.
I have heard all kinds of religious questions since moving here but this was the very first time anyone asked to pray for me.
I’m kinda over us too; we’re losing our cachet around the world and at home.
I was stunned by the waiting room cabaret, and now I, too, will carry a flask with me in case another spontaneous performance breaks out.

Bob said...

I can totally see sopping up Chris with a biscuit, but Perry Mason looks too much like areal biscuit.
Every time I see some guy in a monster truck I always assume there’s a tiny package in the Levis.
The sprots car is because men never want to age and being 80 is a Jag screams younger, doesn’t it?

Bohemian said...

BTW: The Texas Taliban isn't all that surprising if you've ever visited that State, which I have several times, they got a lot of Vanilla Isis types there.

Bohemian said...

OMG, being 80 in a Jag screams Younger had me almost spilling my drink on the new Keyboard! LMAOROTF

Travel said...

Quote of the week, "I wanna slather him in butter and sop him up with a biscuit.” I will have remember that one.

Bob said...

I have family in Texas; a lot of them made it out alive.

It made me giggle-snort!