Bobservations

I don’t really have a Carlos story this week, though I will say that I got him up early on a Sunday and we hit CostCo before the church crowd. That was the good news; the bad news is that “The Tasters” weren’t set up that early and Carlos couldn’t graze his way through the store.

The bestest news? We were in and out of CostCo in under twenty-five minutes—spending $368 … or $14.72 a minute—and that might have been a new World record.

As I said the other day, I didn’t watch that show, but I did see the Invention of the Fuck You Clap—as dubbed by Patton Oswalt—by Nancy Pelosi.

It made my day. But even better was Pelosi’s daughter’s explanation of the clap:

“Oh yes that clap took me back to the teen years. She knows. And she knows that you know. And frankly she’s disappointed that you thought this would work. But here’s a clap.”

And a clap back!

Sometimes heroes come in unexpected packages … like 10-year-old Cub Scout, Liam Holmes who made waves in his home town of Durham, North Carolina by taking a knee during the pledge of allegiance at a city council meeting:

“What I did was took a knee against racial discrimination, which is basically when people are mean to other people of different colors.”

And while some were angry that the boy taking a stand by taking a knee, both his father, Scott, and Durham Mayor, Steve Schewel, praised the boy:

“To the scout that expressed his conscience by kneeling, we will say we endorse and appreciate all expressions of conscience in Durham City Council.”

Liam isn’t concerned about those who disagree with his stance, and says he plans to kneel again in the future.

Funny, when the kids get it and the adults don’t, eh?

Ooh, I’m getting hot up in here … Gus Kenworthy is joining the cast of Season 9 of American Horror Story. AHS creator Ryan Murphy:

“That special moment when you realize you have an Olympic medal AND he will be playing Emma Roberts’ boyfriend on “American Horror Story” Season 9.”

Kenworthy responded on his own account:

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag … I’m  So  F**king  Shook  ILYSM [I love you so much] @mrrpmurphy ”

Gus will be a hot addition to the cast and, well, he does like to take his clothes off.

Melanie invited a little boy who shares her same last name to the Propaganda Speech the other night because the child is bullied over his name. But little Joshua Trump was unimpressed, as he fell asleep about halfway through the tossed salad of a speech.

Funny, though, that Melanie brings a bullied boy to a speech given by the biggest bully in the world.

PS Melanie doesn’t look happy …or the Botox is still that fresh.

In addition, this year marks the centenary anniversary of Congress submitting the 19th amendment—giving women the right to vote—for ratification by the states. Now, the 19th didn’t get added to the Constitution until 1920, so next year will be the big year, but … a great many Democratic women wore white to the Propaganda Speech.

Sadly, because the only white they wear is probably hoods and sheets, Melanie and Ivanka both wore black.

Note, however, that Tiffany wore white, which is why Daddy rarely speaks of her.

Maroon 5’s Adam Levine—or as I call it Moron 5—went shirtless at the Super Bowl yesterday in a thirsty attempt to use his nipples to get some attention for what was called the worst half-time show ever, viewers were quick to draw comparisons to Janet’s single nipple and the brouhaha that ensued.

Michael Powell, the Chair of the Federal Communications Commission [FCC], was called before the Senate to discuss the nipple; NFL Vice President Joe Browne said that his organization was “extremely disappointed” in the nipple; then-First Lady Laura Bush said children shouldn’t be subjected to seeing the nipple; CBS was fined $550,000 by the FCC, although a court later overturned that fine; and Janet apologized for the nipple … though Justin Timberlake did not.

Different rules for men, apparently.

PS The Chipotle bag wore it better.

The Sheridan School, a K-8 in Northwest  Washington, DC, recently sent a letter home to parents saying that its students will no longer be playing sports at Immanuel Christian, the school where second lady Karen “Mother” Pence teaches because of its anti-LGBTQ policies because some of its students felt unsafe visiting the other school:

“As  we talked more, we understood that some students did not feel safe entering a school that bans LGBTQ parents, students or even families that support LGBTQ rights. Forcing our children to choose between an environment in which they feel unsafe or staying home was not an option. So we decided that we would invite ICS to play all of the games at Sheridan. Since ICS declined our offer to host, we will only play our home games and will not go to ICS to play.”

Loverly!

And finally … steaming hot 23-year-old French model and fitness trainer Killian Belliard.

Killian studied Law but never really practiced, choosing instead to take off his shirt, among other articles of clothing, asleep with men, shop in the nude, and treat us to his body.

“Merci beaucoup, homme chaud. Puis-je vous emmener au lit et faire l'amour avec vous. Mes lombes sont en feu.”

Just sayin’ … er, Juste en disant.

It's Snarkurday!

The E! channel; what a mess.

Less than a week ago, Suzie Hardy went public with her claim that Ryan Seacrest Harvey Weinstein’d—yes, it’s a verb now—her over the course of several years while she worked for him. Seacrest denied it and his lawyers claim Hardy is in it for the extortion coins, but … she never asked for money, and she first went to Seacrest’s bosses at E! to handle it quietly. She only made her story public when E! covered Seacrest’s ass.

Well, this led to a series of “crisis meetings” between Seacrest and E! on how to handle the E! Oscar Red Carpet show, and this is how they’ll work it out. Rob Silverstein, executive producer of the syndicated entertainment-news show “Access” will prep his hosts Scott Evans and Kit Hoover to ask the celebrities about the #MeToo movement and the politics surrounding it …

“And then, we will ask them whether or not they will talk to Ryan Seacrest.”

So, basically E! is still covering Ryan’s ass and not letting celebrities who have issues with men like Seacrest to speak to him?

But this is how E! rolls; remember one of their hosts, Catt Sadler, quit the network after they refused to pay her as much, or commensurate to, Jason Kennedy, so covering Seacrest’s ass.

And then this… Aileen Gram Moreno, veteran female producer on E!’s red carpet programming, claims she was fired after she “allowed” celebrities like Debra Messing, Eva Longoria and others to trash E! on the Golden Globes red carpet show about the Catt Sadler situation.

E! If you’re a woman, you’re paid less; if you’re a man, rub your little dick on a woman and stand on the red carpet.

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Looks like Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are angling for a new realty show: Tori and Dean: Domestically Violent.

See, police were called twice to Tori and Dean’s house last week for two domestic incidents within 24 hours.

The first involved Tori mistaking Dean for a burglar as he came home late one night; so, she called the police. The second incident was just a few hours later but it seems that Tori had some kind of a “mental breakdown” as Dean told 911; it was later classified as a domestic violence incident and Tori was not arrested and, according to police, “didn’t meet the criteria to be held for mental evaluation.”

So, Dean came home late and Tori called police saying he was a thief in her house, and hours later Dean calls police to say his wife was very aggressive and going through some sort of mental breakdown.

I smell a reality show.

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Well, as it turns out, the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux splitting story was a blip on the news cycle; oh, don’t get me wrong, they split, but it was news for a day and then it was fish wrap. So, how do the tabloids keep this story alive since people don’t really care about Poor Jen, Alone Again stories?

Dog custody. Yup; it seems like the once ALLEGEDLY happy couple are mostly fighting about their dogs and who gets them and when. Between them, the exes have four dogs: Dolly, a white shepherd mix, Clyde, a terrier, and Sophie, a pit bull mix, in LA, and Justin’s pit bull he keeps in NYC.

A source—and it’s probably Courtney Cox because what else has she got going on—says:

“They’ve always referred to them as their children, and it looks like Jen will keep the LA dogs with her and Justin will keep the pit bull in NYC. But it was the biggest bone of contention in the split. They’ve made an arrangement for visitation.”

Seriously. Dog custody is news?

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Lotsa folks think NBC is quietly erasing part of their deal with Megyn Kelly; the part that deals with her having a Sunday prime-time NBC News show.

Since her morning show is such a bust, it’s safe to assume America doesn’t wanna see her at night, so NBC will air Sunday Night With Megyn Kelly “periodically” this spring and summer. Meaning you probably won’t see it at all. Last summer, the news magazine was scheduled for a 10-week run but scrapped after a sharp drop in the ratings.

Poor NBC, they shelled out big bucks for Kelly and she’s barely worth nickels for the dollars they spent, and then add in the Matt Lauer mess and they are bleeding coins.

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This is a cute story … Gus Kenworthy and his boyfriend Matthew Wilkas went to an Oscar event and ran into Ricky Martin—hot again thanks to American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace—and his husband, Jwan Yosef. The four chatted a bit and then were separated in the crowds so Gus took out a Craigslist ‘Missed Connection’ ad that went like this:

“Living La Vida Lonely - m4m (LA, California)

Us: We were wearing black Ralph Lauren tuxedos, mine had little cowboys on it. You: You were also both wearing tuxedos because... well, because it was the Oscar's and everybody does. You and your husband stood out though. Partly because you're both gorgeous but also because you're literally @ricky_martin & @jwanyosef. The four of us chatted and laughed but then, sadly, got separated in the chaos of the Oscar's. My bf and I searched for you both for the rest of the night but never found you again. In town for a week. Let's connect."

And then this week, when Ricky Martin was on The Talk, Julie Chen read Gus’ ad to Ricky, who seemed more than willing to hook-up meet:

“Of course we’re going to connect! I mean, he’s a national hero. Give me a break. Are we flattered? Yes, we’re flattered.”

And then Gus Tweeted:

*clears schedule for the rest of the week*

I think Ricky’s getting the better deal; Gus is totally adorable and so it his boyfriend.

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The divorce is final, so what can Mel B do to keep herself in the news now?

Fight over visitation rights … Mel B claims her ex-husband Stephen Belafonte showed her three daughters—Phoenix, her daughter with Jimmy Gulzar; Angel, her daughter with Eddie Murphy; and Madison, their daughter—videos of ISIS beheading individuals:

“When I was not present, Stephen thought it was funny or educational (I still do not know) to play videos of ISIS beheading individuals. This was entirely inappropriate for such young girls, who do not understand what is happening in the videos. Angel has repeatedly told me about these videos and that she was scared and frightened that Stephen would expose her to such gruesome images.”

Mel wants to end Stephen’s visitation with Angel and says he has ALLEGEDLY been trying to get in touch with her by slipping his phone number into a teddy bear he told Madison to give to her. But, he ALLEGEDLY wants no contact with Phoenix, who says he played a video of ISIS beheading men during her 16th birthday trip. Phoenix said in a declaration:

“I never bonded with Stephen because he would call me names such as: ‘retarded’ and ‘stupid.’ He would do things which upset me … He would be very aggressive with Angel and Maddie if they broke the ‘rules,’ like talking when he was on the phone. He would just yell really up close to them.”

Okay, I get it, but why does Belafonte get any visitation with two of the kids who aren’t even his? And why does Mel B always pick jerks to get her pregnant?

Back in the day, when she says Eddie Murphy knocked her up, he refused to recognize Angel as his own until there was a paternity test; and even after, Eddie was not much of a father, so Stephen took over. Now, however, Eddie is all #TeamMel in stopping Belafonte form seeing his daughter.

Like I said, Mel B’s life is, and was, and probably will always be, a mess.

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Oh, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are fun, right?

It seems they hosted an Oscar party and shockingly didn’t try to cash in on it even though they are all about the coins. But, no, but they decided to mess with their guest’s heads by keeping the details weird and vague.

A source—and it Beyoncé, let’s be clear—says the Carters “wanted to mind-fuck everyone and keep everything mysterious and exclusive” about their party, which was held in the garage …the garage … of the Chateau Marmont in L.A.

Close friends didn’t know ahead of time if they were even invited, but once they knew they were going to a party, Bey and Jay made their arrival difficult as hell. Guests were sent up a hill past the hotel, through the kitchen and down a back entrance to the garage. There were no photographers and no red carpet … nobody mentioned Beyoncé or Jay-Z by name, but instead referred to them as simply “the host and hostess.” There was no performance by either Carter, the group of 200 guests simply mingled and relaxed with no press.

Really? We’re to believe Beyoncé and Jay-Z held a party, kept their names out of it, and didn’t take the stage and pass the hat?

Apparently, they enjoyed their secret party so much they wanna do it again next year, clearly unaware that once you announce you’re gonna do another secret party it’s really no longer a secret.

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You knew Barbra Streisand would be pissed about the dog cloning story, right? Well, there’s that, too.

Streisand is annoyed with both Variety and The New York Times which ran features on her that didn’t exactly rise to Babs’ precise standards. The issues that irked her have all been corrected in the online versions, but Babs still put out a “New Truth Alert” on her website BarbraStreisand.com.

Streisand says Variety misquoted her and made it sound like she didn’t really want the role of Fanny Brice in Funny Girl! which is scandalous:

“I fought hard for that part! How could they make that mistake? I loved the character of Fanny Brice (they even misspelled her name Franny)”

Even worse:

“Also, they originally said I had an awards room. I have a den where if you look in the doorway, you don’t see any awards! They’re hidden in the corners.”

Damn you Variety. Still, their blunders are nothing compared to what The New York Times did when they ran a photo of Miss Violet and Miss Scarlet, the two clones of Barbra’s beloved Coton de Tulear Sammie in a feature titled Barbra Streisand Explains: Why I Cloned My Dog.

“P.S. Even though the New York Times didn’t change a word I wrote about my beloved Samantha, I was disappointed that they did change the picture I sent. It was cut in half in the actual Sunday paper (I guess for space purposes), but it destroyed the intent and specialness of the full picture that was shown online. The point is, my little girls were looking at their mother pictured on her tombstone! It’s an amazing photo, taken by my longtime and dear assistant, Renata.”

Yup, Babs is annoyed that the NYT cropped out the headstone shot of the cloned doggies “mother.”

Seriously.

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Last week we talked Heather Locklear’s latest arrest for beating up her boyfriend, and now there’s a bit more to the story … a gun.

It seems that police showed up at Heather’s house again with a search warrant to retrieve a gun because, if you remember, .as Heather was being arrested, she ALLEGEDLY struck three police officers and then told them:

“If you ever come back to my house I will shoot you.”

And so the police raided Heather’s home looking for a handgun that was registered in Heather’s name, and that she has owned since 1985, but they found no gun.

Luckily, for now, there is no threat of heather using that gun on anyone as she is currently in a medical treatment facility … again.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Greg Gutfeld, Fox News Loon, offering a solution to school shootings:

“Society is changing. You have to teach kids how to respond. You have to be rational about it, which means hardening soft targets through drills and training. Learning combat. Learning hand-to-hand combat. This works, by the way, for terror, if there’s a terror attack, and it works for school shootings. How do you improve upon this rationally? Well, you train them. That simple. Self-defense classes are the best thing for a kid.”

Yes, let’s send all out kids to combat school rather than making it more difficult to buy an assault weapon, rather than thoroughly vetting those who want guns.

Ass.

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Jimmy Kimmel, after the shooting in Parkland, and after playing a clip of _____ saying “no parent should ever have to fear for their sons and daughters when they kiss them good-bye in the morning”:

“Here’s what you do to fix that. Tell your buddies in Congress—tell Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell and Marco Rubio, all the ‘family’ men who care so much about their communities—that what we need are laws. Real laws that do everything possible to keep assault rifles out of the hands of people who are going to shoot our kids. Go on TV and tell them to do that. Tell these Congressmen and lobbyists, who infest that swamp you said you were going to drain, force these allegedly Christian men and women who stuff their pockets with money from the NRA year after year after year to do something. And don’t you dare let anyone say it’s too soon. Children are being murdered. Do something. We still haven’t even talked about it. You still haven’t done anything about this. Nothing. You’ve literally done nothing. Actually you’ve done worse than nothing. You like to say this is a mental health issue, but one of your very first acts as president … was to actually roll back the regulations that were designed to keep firearms out of the hands of the mentally ill. You did that. Your party voted to repeal the mandates on coverage for mental health. So, I agree, this is a mental illness issue because if you don’t think we need to do something about it, you are obviously mentally ill. Whatever you do, do something because I, for one, am very, very, very, very tired of this.”

Let’s see, you roll back healthcare for mentally ill people, you take away stipulations that people with mental illnesses cannot get a gun, then a lunatic shoots up a school and you say the problem is mental illness?

Nope, you are the problem.

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Gus Kenworthy, on learning that his post-run kiss with his boyfriend at the Olympics, was going viral:

“[I] didn't realize this moment was being filmed yesterday but I'm so happy that it was. My childhood self would never have dreamed of seeing a gay kiss on TV at the Olympics but for the first time ever a kid watching at home CAN! Love is love is love.”

My adult self never thought I’d see that kiss.

Times do change.

Love is love.

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Todd Starnes, another Fox News Loon, on the surviving students of the Parkland school shooting being brainwashed by the “government-funded indoctrination camps” AKA public schools:

“The Mainstream Media is using survivors of the Florida school shooting as propaganda pawns to attack President Trump, the NRA and the Second Amendment. They are literally using children as human shields in their bloodthirsty attempt to take down the president … The media and the Democrats are coming after gun owners in America. This is right out of the Saul Alinsky propaganda playbook, ladies and gentlemen, and it is getting ugly. I’m not sure how many Republicans are going to be able to hold the line on this. We can't fault the children's ideology - they don't know any better. They've been brainwashed by government-funded indoctrination camps - pardon me - public schools.”

No, it’s called common sense, you dick; it’s called finally having enough, finally seeing one too many Americans killed because the right, and rightwingnut pasty-faced trolls like Starnes, think the NRA is their chance they get.

That time, I hope, is coming to an end, and Republicans will lose their jobs and people like Starnes might also.

Bye Felicia.

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Stephen Colbert, on the Parkland, Florida High School shooting, and Marco Rubio:

“As long as you’re being clear and honest, Senator [Rubio], as a lawmaker your position is ‘the laws are useless! Everyone into the Thunderdome!’ … Then why do we need you? It seems like a houseplant would do a better job and [playing the well-known thirsty Rubio clip from his State of the Union response] it would probably need a little less water. I hope these kids don’t give up, because this is their lives and their future. Someone else may be in power, but this country belongs to them. And there is reason for hope: Look at the #MeToo movement. A lot of men in power did not see that coming, but it proved that change can happen overnight. And this is an election year — so if you want to see change, you have to go to the polls and tell the people who will not protect you that their time is up.”

All these politicians muttering about “the kids” don’t realize that those kids will be voters soon, and they won’t forget.

It’s hard to forget seeing your friends massacred at school.

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Fergie, responding to the talk about her horrific—my ears are still bleeding—version of the Star-Spangled Banner at the NBA All-Star Game :

“I’ve always been honored and proud to perform the national anthem and last night I wanted to try something special for the NBA. I’m a risk taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didn’t strike the intended tone. I love this country and honestly tried my best.”

Honey, if that was your best …perhaps when you recorded your version, you should have listened to it, and then maybe you would have realized that it was more comedy and blood-curdling, than musical.

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John Oliver, on the shooting at, and the student of, Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School:

“These events are now so familiar, we basically automatically know how each side will play out: ‘thoughts and prayers,’ ‘f**k your thoughts and prayers,’ ‘it’s a mental health problem,’ ‘yeah, but it’s also a gun problem,’ and then someone says ‘now’s not the time to talk about gun control,’ and then everybody moves on until it inevitably happens again. But this time felt slightly different because when the ‘now’s not the time’ argument came out, the kids from that school said, ‘You know what? Yes it f**king is.’”

It’s long past time and thank goodness these ‘kids’ have taken up the battle because something just might get done this time.

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Bobservations

Oh, don’t those Florida lawmakers realize that those kids are going to be voters sooner, rather than later.

Apparently not, because while hundreds of Parkland, Florida shooting survivors looked on, the Florida House of Representatives rejected a motion to consider a ban on assault rifles. Then, less than an hour later, they passed a bill to declare porn a public health risk.

Florida lawmakers: guns are good, porn is a health risk.

At work, down one of the hallways, we have a series of commendations given to the business by our little city. Last week, the electrician came to fix a wiring problem and a hole was left in the wall until he could finish the job.

Someone suggested another commendation to hang over the hole.

Someone else suggested we just take a picture of our fearless leader/owner, frame it, and hang it over the hole.

I, however, suggested, we just take a frame, place it over the hole so you can still see the hole, and then label it with the boss’s name.

How I’m still employed there is beyond me.

Dwaine Caraway, the Mayor Pro Tem of Dallas, Texas, does not want the National Rifle Association to meet in his city and is urging the NRA to find someplace else for annual convention.

"It is a tough call when you ask the NRA to reconsider coming to Dallas. But it is putting all citizens first and getting them to come to the table and elected officials to come to the table, and to address this madness now."

He says the meeting is not appropriate in the wake of last week's school shooting in Florida, or in the wake of the 2016 ambush that killed five Dallas officers, and the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Dear Politicians, Please, be like Dwaine.

Six Republican lawmakers in South Carolina—Representatives Steven Long, William Chumley, James Mikell Burns, John McCravy III, Josiah Magnuson, and Richard Martin—have introduced a bill that would define any marriage not between a man and a woman as a “parody marriage.”

 Parody? Fuck off. I wanna introduce legislation that would call any lawmaker who cannot get over the fact that The Gays can get married as “parody lawmakers” and have them removed from office for wasting everyone’s time.

The other morning, I was driving Carlos to work and asked if he’d taken anything from the freezer for dinner that night …

“I’m cooking?”

We take turns, generally, and so I replied:

“Yes.”

"But I cooked last night.”

"Did you?”

“I did.”

What did you cook?”

“That Pork and Black Bean stew and the cornbread.”

“Did you cook it, or did you just reheat the dinner I made from the night before, because reheating is not cooking.”

“It’s not … ?”

Goddess love that man.

Tyler Tannahill, a Marine veteran and Leavenworth, Kansas Republican looking to replace Lynn Jenkins in Kansas’ second congressional district is giving away an AR-15 rifle for his campaign.

Yes, days after that same weapon was used to slaughter high school students and faculty in Florida, this asshat wants to give one away.

This, THIS, is the problem with the GOP and this, THIS, is why they need to be removed from office or kept from office. Are you listening Kansas?

Openly gay actor Russell Tovey is engaged to be married to his boyfriend Steve Brockman, a rugby player for the Kings Cross Steelers:

“Completely unexpected but very very happy and looking forward to having a proper party to celebrate when back in London.”

Congrats to the happy, hot, couple!

The other day I ranted about _____ and Paul Ryan and Marco Rubio about their actions, and nonactions, before and after this latest—because there will be more—mass shooting in Florida. Now I turn my attention to that flabby bag of illiterate skin called Ted Cruz.

Cruz appeared on “Fox & Friends” the day after the shooting and openly mocked the idea of doing anything about gun control. When bimbo anchor Ainsley Earhardt asked how the GOP should respond to calls for gun control…Ted.Cruz.Laughed:

“The reaction of the Democrats to any tragedy is to start to politicize it, so they immediately start calling that we’ve got to take away Second Amendment rights of law-abiding citizens. That’s not the right answer.”

Really, asshat? No one, no one, is suggesting taking away the Second Amendment you fearmongering mother fucker. They are simply asking for some responsible legislation to perhaps avoid more and more innocent Americans being slaughtered in school or church or the movies or the mall or a concert.

Cruz’s answer to these deadly shootings is to send his “thoughts and prayers” because those save lives.

 Fuck.Him.

In better funnier news, openly gay Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy was being harassed by an online troll who goes by the name of one of _____’s lawyers, who posed the question:

“Question is, if men marry men and women marry women who will produce children in this world”

Kenworthy was ready with the perfect response:

“Hopefully not you.”

Snap.

To end this post with hotness, this week marked the 38^th birthday of hot hot hot model David Gandy, who never met a pair of underwear, or even less, that he didn’t want to pose in.

Um … yum.