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Why do celebrities think they need to share everything with us?
Seriously, do we need to know Gwynnie steams her cooch? Do we need to know Soleil
Moon Frye’s first “consensual” sexual experience was when she was eighteen and
she was boned by … wait for it … get a HazMat suit ready … it’s the height of
ick … Charlie Sheen. Soleil shared a journal entry dated December 18, 1994: “It’s been the most strange and incredible day ever. He’s somebody I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s a person that intrigues me and excites me.” And then she calls Sheen her “Mr. Big.” Like I said, Ick. Soleil is aware of Corey Feldman’s sexual assault allegations
against Charlie, but says she doesn’t know anything about that, and can only
speak to her own experience. She also talks about experiencing her own sexual
assault by an unnamed man when she was 17—hence the clarification that Sheen
was her first consensual sexual encounter. Look, everyone’s experience is different, but I don’t know that
I’d air out the idea that I let Charlie Sheen’s dick anywhere near me. That’s all. |
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Kim Kardastrophe and Kanye West are now doing to each
other what I have been begging them to do to all of us for years. They have stopped speaking to each other. Lucky them. If we could only get them to divorce America we might
never hear from them again. |
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And then we have Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez who have ALLEGEDLY
broken up in the wake of his scandal with Southern Charm “star”
Madison LeCroy. You see, last January, Twitter was set ablaze with rumors after
the Southern Charm reunion special exposed ALLEGATIONS of infidelity
involving an “ex-MLB star” and Southern Charm cast-member, and manhunter, Madison
LeCroy, who admitted to FaceTiming A-Rod, but maintained the two had never
Facetimed in person. LeCroy demurred: “He’s never physically cheated on his fiancée with me.” Physically? And so, JLo was embarrassed by that rumor—and yet,
oddly, she’s never been embarrassed by her singing or her acting—and split from
A-Rod. Or did she? Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez are now saying reports
of their demise as a couple have been greatly exaggerated—well, maybe not so
greatly—because while there might be trouble in their made-for-social-media relationship,
they are still fighting to stay together. A source claims they haven’t been together because: “She’s working in the Dominican Republic and he’s in Miami so it’s tough seeing each other especially with quarantining and COVID, but they want to try to stay together.” Yeah, I buy that except for the fact that they have
each posted lovey-dovey Instagram stories from various vacation spots, and
daily pap strolls to the gym and out to dinner and such, all during the
pandemic. Look, they’re over. He has a wandering peen and she
can’t seem to keep a man… possibly because she picks men with wandering peens. |
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Drew Barrymore has a talk show so we are learning all sorts
of things about her in a thirsty attempt to score more viewers. She’s done with marriage! Until she does it again. She’s done with drugs! She’s been saying that for years. And she’s done with acting! Or, more likely, acting is done with
her. All of these things, however, are subject to change, but you
aren’t allowed to remember that Drew said them. |
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To prove my point about JLo, rumor has it that she has already
scrubbed A-Rod from her life, and most importantly her social media, and set
her sights on one Lenny Kravitz. See, Kravitz has joined the cast of JLo’s upcoming film Shotgun
Wedding and has ALLEGEDLY made quite an impression on his co-star.
And we know this is true because JLo asked Kravitz to give her daughter guitar
lessons and then posted a seductive video of herself dancing on the balcony of
her hotel suite to the tune of Kravitz’s chart-topping hit “Fly Away.” A not-so-subtle message to A-Rod and the world. Still, I had higher expectations of Lenny Kravitz. UPDATE: After telling us that she’s in the DR and he’s in
Miami and with COVID they aren’t traveling, A-Rod flew to the DR to see JLo and
perhaps put the kibosh on the rumors, or beg her forgiveness for being a
cheating punk while she begs his forgiveness for moving on so quickly. |
