Why Is It ...

… that I suddenly woke up one day to realize that I know more medications on The Pitt than I do musical guests on SNL.

… that I cannot stop myself when I speak. I was in court once and the judge told me I had to tell the truth, and then started to ask, “Do you swear …” and I replied, “Every day, motherfucker” and suddenly I was in a cell for something called 'contempt'.

… that people say skydiving is scary but I say “What about being at a friend of a friends house and you use the bathroom and the toilet won’t flush? Terrifying.

… that while seeing my therapist he suggested I stop doing weird things, so I told him I went to the park that day; he asked if I’d gotten anything out of it, and I opened my coat and said, “I got this duck.”

… that my friends don’t realize that when I say, “I might join you later,” I mean, “You have a better chance seeing Tupac riding a unicorn than you have of seeing me later.”

… that being an adult ruins weekends … on Friday I’m exhausted after work, and on Saturdays I want to chill but there are errands and chores to be done, while on Sundays I’m pissed off because it’s basically Monday again.

… that when a form asks who to call in case of an emergency I always write “Ambulance” because no one in my family is answering an unknown number.

… that when a friend asked if I wanted to go out on Friday I said I would but I already have my jammies on and everything, and then he said, “But it’s only Tuesday,” to which I replied, “I said what I said.”

… that while at a friends house I remarked that the candles smell like Fireball, and the hostess said, “For those of us who aren’t heavy drinkers, Bob, that scent is cinnamon.”

… that people realize that, while at times they can take me down, I will rise again, like a phoenix, that tripped over an extension cord, hurt my shoulder and then awkwardly stood up.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t remember that I don’t take constructive criticism from someone who has never constructed anything.

… that when I agreed with my therapist who said I was unstoppable, he said, “I said you were unstable,’ and I replied, “Meh. Tomato, potato.”

… that people need to know that if they want to paint me as a villain please wait until I pose.

… that no one realizes that being an adult is easy, it’s like riding a bike … that’s on fire … everything is on fire. You’re in Hell

… that when I fuck things up I fuck them up so badly that people wonder for years how I managed to do it.

… that no one notices that I wear my angel wings every day, but the minute I take them off and beat somebody with them suddenly everyone’s a witness

… that people call me mean but they don’t realize that I’m not mean, I am just not actively making you comfortable

… that I’ve just realized that life would be much easier if I could just mark people as spam

… that people who don’t understand that I’ve never had a mid-life crisis don't realize it's because my entire life is a crisis.

… that I feel like I am emotionally constipated since I haven’t given a shit in a really long time

Why Is It ...

… that even those closest to me cannot tell if my smile means ‘Hello’ or if it means, ‘Fuck off.’

… that my co-worker was upset when I told her that I never knew I didn’t give a shit about so many things until she started talking.

… that sometimes I talk to myself and then we both laugh and laugh!

… that when people tell me that I’m very quiet, they get upset when I reply, “I know, why don’t you join me.”

… that when someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ I simply reply, ‘Yes,’ and just like that the discussion is over

… that while I appreciate unsolicited advice, I often tell those people to save their thoughts for the trainwreck looking back at them in the mirror.

… when people tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room I tell them it’s called arson and they are called witnesses.

… that when I complain to my therapist about how the voices won’t stop he reminds me that they are people, and they are allowed to talk.

… that I cannot control who walks into my life but I can control which window I throw them out of

… that people need to realize that, while I am the kind of loyal friend who would take a bullet for them, I am also the reason we’re being shot at.

Why Is It ...

… that instead of writing LOL—I kid,  never write or say LOL—I’m going to start writing SALTS …Smiled A Little Then Stopped.

… that I often wish I could go back in time and leave some people right where I found them.

… that the health-nuts at work told me that I am what I eat but I don’t remember eating anxiety and back pain and rage at coworkers telling me what to eat.

… that I like smiling at people, for no reason, who don’t like me; stay bothered.

… that I have made really bad decisions while drunk, but then I ask myself if the sober ones were any better and the answer is, not so much.

… that it’s my ability to read the room that keeps me staying home.

… that my boss still doesn’t realize I don’t go to work to hustle and grind, but to chit and chat and take time off.

… that when my therapist told me I needed to love myself, I replied, ‘I’m not really my type.’

… that my boss wasn’t happy when I said I needed  a ‘maycation,’ especially when I explained that meant that I may come back or I may not.

… that being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me where was the last place I flew, I say ‘Off the handle and there’s another potential flight on the way.’

… that whenever people say to me, ‘You’re going places,’ my first thought is an asylum.

… that it makes me happy to see so many people embracing therapy; some of them could use an exorcism, but … baby steps.

… that we all need to know that the final stage of healing is telling people to fuck off.

… that people must learn that there are two ways of doing things: my way and my other way. 

… that one time, in the third grade, I zoned out and I don’t think I ever zoned back in.

… that when people tell me that I’m too quiet I say it’s because I rarely make sense when I talk.

… that the best part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

… that when a friend says, ‘Oh no, that’s so mean, I can’t say that,’ I say, ‘Give me the phone.’

… that even though I bought new shoes with memory foam insoles I still cannot remember why I walked into the kitchen.

… that I keep forgetting that aging is a process; I was in bed last night for twenty minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough and realized I’d gone to my room to get my wallet.

Why Is It ...

… that before you slip into my DMs, you need to look between the ‘T’ and the ‘U’ on your keyboard.

… that while I finally quit drinking for good, I am still drinking for evil.

… that people need to know that if they see me looking zoned out, it’s because I’m having a therapy session inside my head.

… that I have never had a Welcome mat at my house? Because I’m not a liar.

… that people don’t realize that I am no longer interested in Driving at Night, Leaving My House at Night, Driving in Winter, Leaving My House in Winter. Driving, and Leaving the House.

… that I’d rather clean the whole house than do dishes.

… that I lie awake at night thinking what if I get kidnapped and I have a stuffy nose and they duct tape my mouth.

… that every day around midnight I am shocked to find out it’s only 5PM.

… that when yet another coworker asked if I could be more annoying, the next day I showed up wearing tap shoes.

… that I could be the bigger person, but being the reason HR makes a new policy is much more exciting.

Why Is It ...

… that even when I’m on my third ‘mhm’, they just keep on speaking!

… that no one realizes that when you falsely accuse me of having an attitude, it creates exactly the attitude that you thought I had.

… that I really want to be nice but everyone annoys me?

… that cocktails are so dangerous; I mean, they often taste like juice and then suddenly you can’t walk.

… that I’m too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

… that every single day there is something to do and I am sick of it.

… that I feel like Willie Nelson’s been the same age my whole life?

… that while it’s nice to see people embracing therapy, a few of you are in need of an exorcism.

… that I always have the need to get the last word, even if I have to mail it to you.