Snarky Thoughts

Reboots annoy me because I say why mess with the original unless it was a real piece of crap. And Naked Gun, and all its sequels, were far from crap. They were stupid humor and sight gag riots and very funny, yet Hollywood clearly thinks it’s time to revive them. So, who will they get to star, and take over the role made famous by Leslie Nielsen? It’s none other than comedy legend Liam Neeson, who is  in talks to take over the role as Nielsen’s character’s son, Frank Drebin Jr.

My Thought: I’ve seen Liam nekkid and perhaps they should call the film Naked Bazooka. But please don’t make Naked Gun: 5: Taken: 6.

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Kevin Spacey took the stand in his own defense to dispute allegations he sexually assaulted actor Anthony Rapp four decades ago, and promptly told the jury that his father was a neo-Nazi.

My Thought: Spacey’s first excuse for being an ALLEGED pedophile was that he’s a gay man because we all know gay men fuck children, but now he’s switched up to ‘Daddy was a Nazi.”? You’re a perv, Kevin, you’re a perv.

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I used to think Khloé Kardastrophe  was the Queen of Standing By Her Man Who Sticks His Peen Wherever He can, but it looks country singer and actor Jana Kramer—never heard of her? Me either—is stealing the crown. But now Kramer has decided to divorce former football player Mike Caussin—who told her he would dump her ass if she ever cheated—and ALLEGES that he cheated on her with thirteen different women.

My Thought: Do Tristan or Caussin have magic penises? I mean, why else would women put up with this?

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If you have always believed the Kardastrophe’s are a Koven, I have some proof for you. After years of running around pimping sex tapes of her daughter, and the lives of her other spawn, That Woman had to have hip-replacement surgery. But instead of showering her mother with good wishes and kindness, Kimmy asked for Mama’s hip bones so she could turn them into jewelry.

My Thought: I know That Woman is, as kd lang once famously sang, A Big Boned Gal, but seriously how many pairs of earrings can you get from her hip bones? 200? 300?

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I don’t know much about actor Megan Fox but I do know I love this story. Fox—who rarely shares public photos of her children—did share pictures of herself posing seductively on a swing at the home she shares with fiancé Machine Gun Kelly. And one troll decided to come for her by asking, “Where your kids at?” and Fox replied: 

“Wait wait wait. I…have kids?!? Oh my god I knew I forgot something!! Quick, someone call the valet at the Beverly Hills hotel. That’s the last place I remember seeing them. Maybe someone turned them into lost and found.”

My Thought: and that’s how the clap back is done.

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I loathe Tom Brady, and today, if possible, I loathe him even more. Brady was a guest on the Let’s Go podcast and decided to talk—which is clearly not his strong suit, but neither is staying married—about how he has a tough time focusing on his family during football season. And he compared himself, a pampered self-entitled multi-millionaire athlete plays a game and then goes home to his mansion every night to … wait for it, it’s epic … to service members; Brady actually said leaving for “football season [is] like you’re going away on deployment for the military. And it’s like, ‘Man, here I go again.’”

My Thought: Brady should shut the fuck up, but since we know he won’t, why not donate, oh I dunno, all of his salary to members of the military who put their lives on the line and come home disfigured and battered and suffering PTSD just so he can throw a football and win a ring.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Manhattan federal Judge Ronnie Abrams recently ruled that The Huffington Post was within their rights to print a photo that did not belong to them of Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda and writing that Hamm was apparently “very blessed south of the border, and he, or those who examine photographs of him, really want you to know that.”

I did. I examined it very carefully and for a long while.

HuffPo was being sued by the Hammaconda photographer Lawrence Schwartzwald who wanted to be paid for the image, but the judge ultimately decided that HuffPost was making fun of Jon’s Johnson. Abrams said there’s legal precedent for news outlets using licensed images for stories that “illustrate what all the fuss is about.”

And I thank her for that, and I’ll also thank Hamm, for the Hammaconda, and for realizing that this is really no big deal.

No pun intended.

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Last May actor Brian Austin Green announced that he and his wife, actress Megan Fox, were really really finished with their marriage this time. And then Megan proved she was even more  done by quickly moving on from Green to rapper Machine Gun Kelly.

Who cares, right? Well, actress Vanessa Marcil, who was BAG’s girlfriend and baby mama in the early 2000s,  does and she’s speaking out.

Marcil And Green  hooked up in 1999 on the set of Beverly Hills, 90210 and in 2002 she gave birth to their son, Kassius Marcil-Green. They split up in 2003 and she has spent the last seventeen years fighting Green, and Fox, over custody of their child. Vanessa ALLEGES that Brian and Megan tried to get custody of Kassius, which Vanessa wasn’t into, and when a judge threw out their case, Brian basically stopped seeing his son.

So, what does Marcil do now? Come down squarely on Team Megan in a divorce that is literally none of her business, and hijack Megan’s Instagram account to tell the world that Green is a Bad Dad:

“Our job as adults is not to protect adults but to protect our children … I just speak the truth now at my son‘s request in order to help my son heal and not shoulder these secrets anymore. If his father‘s actions reflect poorly on him that is his doing. Not mine. … I just finally, now that Kass is grown, tell the truth regarding a court case and him cutting his son out of his life for 5 years. If you look back at our history his father publicly tried to slander me, lie about me, shame me as a working mother and take full custody of my son. ... He’s lucky that I don’t speak poorly of him after what he put our innocent boy through. He’s very big on doing things that publicly make him look like a nice guy. However, it is who you are when no one is looking that shows your true character.”

For someone who says she won’t speak ill of her son’s dad, she’s rather good at it. And, in the words of Lisa Rinna to Denise Richards on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

“Oof, you’re so angry.”

Vanessa? Hon? Your son with Green is a grown man now. Let him deal on his own with his father and perhaps you could stay out of it? And perhaps you should stay out of another’s person’s marriage and not be so filled with glee that another family has broken up when you were clearly so hurt when your family fell apart.

M’kay?

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Jude Law and his 32-year-old psychologist wife, Dr. Phillipa Coan, recently welcomed their first child together.

How nice, but for Jude it was also Baby #6. He  has three kids with his first wife, Sadie Frost—Rafferty, 23, Iris, 19, and Rudy, 13—plus another child with Samantha Burke—11-year-old Sophia—and a five-year-old daughter Ada, with Catherine Harding.

So, for the scoreboard that four mothers, six children, two wives, and two girlfriends.

That’s all.

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After leaving the Star Wars franchise, John Boyega has been speaking out about the online racist abuse he took from rabid fans, and the frustration he felt that the creators and studio did not have his back. He also put the creators on blast by acknowledging that the franchise has decided to sideline the characters of color. And now fragrance brand Jo Malone is apologizing to Boyega after they erased him from their ad campaign in China.

Boyega was Jo Malone’s first Black global ambassador last year and wrote and directed a commercial promoting company’s aftershave. But when it came to the company’s Chinese ad campaign Jo Malone inserted Asian actor Liu Haoran, and white and Asian actors while removing Boyega and other Black actors.

Jo Malone is now forced to apologize, or faux-pologize because there is no excuse:

“We deeply apologize for what on our end was a mistake in the local execution of the John Boyega campaign. John is a tremendous artist with great personal vision and direction. The concept for the film was based on John’s personal experiences and should not have been replicated.”

Um, a mistake? You erased a Black man and put an Asian actor in his place. That doesn’t happen by accident. Even worse … Boyega was not made aware of the recasting and found out about it on Twitter.

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When last we left Horrible Parents and College Scam Artists, Lori Loughlin, and Mossimo Giannulli admitted their guilt about cheating their illiterate daughters’ way in USC and were sentenced to two months in jail, for her, and five months, for him. But their prison stay, as short and privileged as it is, will make Felicity Huffman’s eleven-day jail stint for the same crime seem like a life sentence at Alcatraz.

Lori and Mossimo are basically going to Camp Rich People Prison. Lori will be at the Federal Correctional Institution in Victorville, while Mossimo will head to the Federal Correctional Institution in Lompoc.

Federal Correctional Institutions that offer their guests, er, inmates, yoga, Pilates and origami, as well as music lessons.

These people cheated and bribed to get their daughters into a prestigious school and their sentence is Summer Camp.

Good thing they’re rich and white …

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I Didn't Say It ...

Billy Porter, making history at the Emmys this week as the first out gay black man to win an Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama for Pose, saying:

“The category is love y’all, love! I am so overwhelmed and I am so overjoyed that I have lived long enough to see this day. James Baldwin said ‘it took many years of vomiting up all the filth that I had been taught about myself and halfway believed, before I could walk around this earth like I had the right to be here.’ I have the right, you have the right, we all have the right. We as artists are the people that get to change the molecular structure of the hearts and minds of the people who live on this planet. Please don’t ever stop doing that, please don’t ever stop telling the truth.”

Word, Billy, word. And keep telling it.

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_____, tossing a Sarah Palin-esque word salad about the White House “transcript” on how he used his office to persuade a foreign leader to investigate a political opponent:

“Just so you understand; it’s the single greatest witch hunt in American history, probably in history, but in American history. It’s a disgraceful thing. The letter was a great letter — meaning the letter revealing the call. That was done at the insistence of myself and other people that read it. It was a friendly letter. There was no pressure. The way you had built up that call, it was going to be the call from hell — it turned out to be a nothing call. Other than a lot of people said ‘I never knew you could be so nice.'”

God, we should impeach him for being a nonsensical tool who can’t string a single coherent sentence together.

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Patricia Arquette, winning and Emmy for her performance in The Act, on her trans sister Alexis, who died in September 2016 of complications related to AIDS, speaking out against transgender persecution:

“In my heart I’m so sad. I lost my sister Alexis. Trans people are still being persecuted. …. I’m in mourning every day of my life Alexis and I will be the rest of my life for you, until we change the world until trans people are not persecuted. Give them jobs. They’re human beings, let’s give them jobs. Let’s get rid of this bias we have everywhere.”

Brava, Patricia, and we’ll remember your sister, too.

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Corey Lewandowski, _____ Flying Monkey, on appearing before congress and acting like a lying jackass:

“I’m very, very seriously thinking about running for the United States Senate. After this week, no American citizen should have to go through what I had to go through, should never have to be disparaged or attacked the way that I was by these committee members because they didn’t like my politics. When you attack a _____ supporter, it’s okay. There are two different sets of rules. And the American people are tired of it. And I believe the people of New Hampshire, they want a fighter in the United States Senate. And I’d say this week was a clarification of that’s who I am.”

You say fighter while I say whiny little bitch who got butt-hurt before Congress.

Take a seat, traitor.

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Frank Bruni, New York Times writer, on Lewandowski’s “performance”:

“Did that look of unalloyed contempt come naturally to Corey Lewandowski, or did he rehearse it? I picture him in front of a mirror as his “testimony” before the House Judiciary Committee approached, fine-tuning his sneer, perfecting his glare, testing different tilts of his head to see which conveyed maximal disgust with his inquisitors. He was hellbent on acing this performance. And ace it he did, if the goal was to distill the _____ ethos into a few ugly hours. A flamboyant defiance of authority? Check. An extravagant disdain for precedent and procedure? Check. Cockiness, a persecution complex and a proudly situational relationship with the truth? Check, check, check. Bashing the media and even taking a whack at Hillary Clinton, he was Donald _____ in absentia, Donald _____ in excelsis, showing his former boss and future patron how scornfully _____like he could be.”

Practice in front of the mirror!

Funny, cuz it’s probably true.

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Michelle Williams, who won the Emmy for Best Lead Actress in a Limited Series for Fosse/Vernon, on race discrimination and equal pay for women in Hollywood:

“I see this as an acknowledgment of what is possible when a woman is trusted to discern her own needs, feels safe enough to voice them, and respected enough that they’ll be heard. When I asked for more dance classes, I heard, ‘Yes.’ More voice lessons? ‘Yes.’ A different wig, a pair of fake teeth not made out of rubber? ‘Yes.’ And all of these things, they require effort and they cost more money, but my bosses never presumed to know better than I did about what I needed in order to do my job and honor Gwen Verdon. And so I want to say thank you so much to FX and to Fox 21 Studios for supporting me completely and for paying me equally because they understood that when you put value into a person, it empowers that person to get in touch with their own inherent value and then where do they put that value? They put it into their work. And so the next time a woman — and especially a woman of color, because she stands to make 52 cents on the dollar compared to her white male counterpart — tells you what she needs in order to do her job, listen to her, believe her. Because one day, she might stand in front of you and say thank you for allowing her to succeed because of her workplace environment and not in spite of it."

If you recall, Michelle Williams was in the film All the Money in the World, and when the director reshot some scenes in the movie to replace Kevin Spacy with Christopher Plummer, Williams was paid scale—about $1,000—while Mark Wahlberg was paid millions.

And had she been a woman of color, it might have been even less.

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Megan Fox, actress, on her six-year-old son, Noah’s fashion sense:

“Sometimes, he’ll dress himself and he likes to wear dresses, sometimes… And I send him to a really liberal, like, hippy school, but even there–here in California–he still has little boys going: ‘Boys don’t wear dresses’ or ‘Boys don’t wear pink.’ So we’re going through that now, where I’m trying to teach him to be confident no matter what anyone else says. He had stopped wearing dresses for a while–he just wore one two days ago to school, and he came home and I was like: ‘How was it? Did any of the friends at school have anything to say?’ And he was like: ‘Well, all the boys laughed when I came in… but I don’t care, I love dresses too much.’“

Good on him, and good on Mom.

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Billy Porter, again, this time on rumors that he threw shade at RuPaul after RuPaul’s Drag Race won its Emmy:

“Let me make this clear right now in this room to everybody. Right now. There was never a side-eye coming from me. There’s never anything negative coming from me. You’re never going to get from it. Okay. It’s all love, all love, it’s all positivity. Don’t come to me with that.”

Billy doesn’t do fools.

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It's Snarkurday!

Just a bit of advice: don’t come for Adele unless she sends for you.

Recently, music producer Tom Visconti failed to heed that advice and began throwing shade … at Adele:

“You turn the radio on and it’s fluff, you are listening to 90% computerized voices. We know Adele has a great voice but it’s even questionable if that is actually her voice or how much has been manipulated. We don’t know. There’s a sound to pop now that is so perfect it’s boring, because everything is fixed.”

I, personally, was offended, because we’ve all heard Adele sing live many many times and we know she can sing.

So, the other night, in concert, singing live and un-manipulated, Adele took aim at Visconti:

“Some dickhead tried to say that my voice was not me on record… Dude, suck my d-ck.” 

I’m in love with Adele for not saying some politically correct BS and just laying into Visconti, who might have been better served going after manipulated singers like Katy Perry or Taylor Swift — remember her “live” performance at the Grammys a few years back when she sounded like a screeching cat in a bag?

Or better yet, Tom, take on Britney for over-manipulation …. Except that would be like shooting Fish Who Can’t Carry A Tune In A Barrel.

I haven’t talked about Johnny Depp and Amber heard lately, though Amber really seems to be going for the coins, because she’s suing a friend of Johnny’s for calling her a gold-digger. It doesn’t make things look any better when new rumors surface that that Amber gave two thumbs down to a two settlement offers from Johnny.

Note to Amber: if someone calls you a gold-digger don’t sue them for … gold; and don’t keep turning down cash because you think you can get more.

I also didn’t talk about the rumor that Amber was physically abusive to an ex-girlfriend—she was arrested in a Seattle airport for striking her ex-love … pre-Johnny—because it makes it sound like since Amber uses her hands in an argument it makes it okay for Johnny to use his when fighting, too; it doesn’t.

It’s being said that Amber was offered $50,000 a month in spousal support for eight months and turned that down; funny, because when Amber first asked for a temporary restraining order, she also asked for $50,000 a month in spousal support and the judge said “Oh hell no” to that.

Now, Johnny says he will only cough up the monthly fifty-thousand if Amber agrees to a mutual restraining order.

Aw, the couple that mutually restrains together ….

Sources say Amber will never agree to a mutual restraining order, because she’s the victim of abuse in the relationship, and now she wants a permanent restraining order against Johnny, because she feels like she needs to do that for other victims and wants to make an example out of Johnny … or wants to make him squirm so the number of monthly coins increases.

Kudos to Megan Fox, who, during a promo tour for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, roasted her co-star Will Arnett and his penchant for dating young, very young, women.

Fox said this about Arnett’s ‘girls’:

“They were progressively getting younger and younger as the weeks went on, and it got to the point where I was like, ‘Buddy, I’m worried. Should I talk to craft service and make sure they have Lunchables for your girlfriend?’ There’s no food here with cartoon characters on it.”

I also worry that, god forbid Arnett take one of these ‘girls’ to his dressing room and she tells him to hold on while she gets some Sweet tea and then Chris Hansen swoops in with the To Catch a Predator film crew.

Just sayin’.

Okay, everyone relax!! Taylor Swift is gonna be just fine after her breakup with Calvin Harris — who left because, ALLEGEDLY, the idea of a Flintstones-themed-pink-bubble-gum-Candyland wedding to TayTay was too much.

And she’s getting over from being under Calvin by remodeling her Manhattan apartment … to rid it of all things Calvin, working out … so she’ll be strong enough to beat the carp outta Calvin if he ever comes to  Hello Kitty convention when she’s there, and … wait for it … you knew it … writing a buttload of new songs.

Cue new Swifty-breakup album, ALLEGEDLY entitled ‘Something Came Between Me and My Calvin’ in five … four … three … two ….

So, former Married … with Children star, and current Modern Family patriarch, Ed O’Neill was recently recognized in the airport by a fan who came over to tell him:

“Oh, Mr. O’Neill, I love Modern Family, and you’re my favorite on the show.”

And she asked for a photo, and when Ed agreed she sat on the arm of his chair and she smiled broadly and he kinda grimaced and then said, Goodbye … to Miss Britney Jean Spears, bitches.

Yup, Ed had no idea it was the pop tart rubbing up against him on that airport chair. Perhaps she could’a wiped off the Cheetos dust from her chin and maybe busted out an a capella off-key Oops I Did It Again.

Nah, Ed still would’a thought she was some kinda crazy who bypassed airport security.

Earlier this week I wrote an open letter to actor Noah Galvin of TV’s The Real O’Neals who gave an interview to Vulture that turned all kinds of messy and name-calling and douchebag-gy — proving that The Gays are just like everyone else … some of us are dicks too.

I joked in my letter that ABC should fire Galvin, sending his character off on a years-long trip around the world while his gay cousin moves in with the family and the show goes on — shades of Cousin Oliver moving in with the Brady’s once Cindy grew up and because less precocious.

Lo and behold, that almost happened … sources say ABC was blindsided by Galvin’s interview, which was set up by Galvin’s personal publicist, Maria Candida, as part of an Emmy push for the actor, and so the network held back on the renewal button for the show, and was even thinking of asking for fewer episodes — less Galvin episodes?? — causing one show exec to “beg” ABC not to take action.

So, the show will be back, and Galvin, too, though I imagine a handler will be assigned to him to keep him from speaking off-script because this was not the first such incident involving his idiotic behavior.

Sources — and it might be the actor waiting for the call to play replacement character Gay Cousin Stevie — says Galvin has been warned multiple times about matters of “ego and entitlement.”

Like I said, European vacation and new gay character. That’ll work, I mean, remember when Richie and Joanie’s older brother just vanished form Happy Days never seen or heard from again. And he wasn’t acting like a douche either.

More evidence that The Gays are just like The Straights? Melissa Etheridge, who fought tooth and nail not to give her ex wife, Tammy Lynn Michaels, the mother of her now 9 year-old twins, any child support because she was never legally married to Tammy since same-sex marriage wasn’t legal until late in their relationship.

Well, that didn’t work, and Melissa, who has since re-married, to Linda Wallem, whom she was accused of cheating on Michaels with, paid through the nose — to the tune of 23K a month — in child support.

And now, though Melissa’s wealth is estimated at around $25 million, she is $10,000 behind on her child support payments and claims she doesn’t have any money though she and Linda live in a $5 million home to which they just added a home recording studio.

A friend says Melissa invested a lot of her money in things that didn’t turn a profit, and she just expects Tammy and their kids to be patient while she sorts it all out.

Um, yeah, it ain’t the kids or the ex’s fault you are bad at investments, honey. Imagine a straight guy saying that to his ex.

So, let’s go back to Taylor Swift — who is rumored to be hooking up with Tom Hiddleston, which makes me physically  sick —­ and the fight brewing between her and Big Ass, er, Kim Kardastrophe.

Swifty was supposedly pissed when Kanye West claimed she approved a lyric he wrote about her that says:

“I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex, I made that bitch famous.”

Kanye says Taylor was not only okay with the line, but that she wrote it and laughed about it, but Swifty’s people claim she never did any of that and that’s where Kim waddles her ass into the room and calls out Swift’s lie. She says Kanye and Taylor had an hour long conversation on the phone about the lyric and that Kanye video records all his phone calls because … crazy:

“She totally approved that. She totally knew that that was coming out. She wanted to all of a sudden act like she didn’t. I swear, my husband gets so much shit for things [when] he really was doing proper protocol and even called to get it approved. What rapper would call a girl that he was rapping a line about to get approval?”

A fame-whoring rapper married to the biggest fame-whore in the world and writing a lyric about another fame-whore, maybe? And it’s bound to get uglier, because that Cabbage Patch Kid known as Taylor Swift is throwing down at Kim, though her people:

“Taylor does not hold anything against Kim … as she recognizes the pressure Kim must be under and that she is only repeating what she has been told by Kanye West. However, that does not change the fact that much of what Kim is saying is incorrect. Kanye West and Taylor only spoke once on the phone … in January of 2016 … and they have never spoken since.”

It’s fun when fame-whores use each to boost their fame.

It's Snarkurday!

Oh, it’s a Kardastrophe! Khloe Kardastrophe, that is. Her brilliantly awful talk show, Kocktails with Khloe has been Kanceled.  I know, Surprise! Not.

And, ALLEGEDLY, the show was canceled because it was Khloe Khaos up in there. While it ALLEGEDLY had been a ratings bonanza for the FYI network — not to be confused with the FML network — because it had more viewers than the test pattern it replaced, it was all such a hot mess that the plug was finally pulled.

But the biggest hot mess was Khloe herself who was used to being on a hit show and being kinda the boss, but suddenly finding that she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.

Let me break it down like this: the Kardastrophes are big on E! because E! puts them everywhere and caters to their every whim, but when you take a Kardastrophe, That Woman or Khloe, and put them where they have no E! publicity machine, they tank because, wait for it, no one really cares.

It’s like a bad sequel to Back to the Future, Part Has-been: Nicolas Cage and Vince Neil apparently got into a brawl outside the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas last week.

The fight started inside the hotel after a woman came up to Nicolas and Vince and asked Nicolas for an autograph. Then ALLEGEDLY, Vince Neil, apparently pissed the women didn’t know who he was, walked up behind the woman, yanked her hair and pulled her to the ground.

And so Nicolas Cage went all superhero on Neil’s ass, and the fight was taken outside where Cage tried to get Neil into a car … and that was all caught on tape.

Police were called and Vince Neil was cited for battery, but was not arrested. Odd, since he’s currently the subject of a criminal investigation for other Vegas brawls.

But it’s the video that’s kinda funny — Google it and you’ll see — because Nicolas Cage appears to be angling for another Oscar as his emotions run the gamut from screaming and shrieking at Vince Neil, to holding him close and whispering in his ear.

But maybe it’s just Nicolas Cage being insane … again.

So, we’ve heard about 50 Cent’s legal issues: he owes millions in damages for being a dick, and then tried to claim that he has no money, all the while posting pictures to social media of himself standing in front of piles of cash.

Well, Fiddy was in bankruptcy court again and the judge in the case was not amused at his lack of interest in the case.

Judge Ann Nevins wasn’t playing when she said she didn’t want to see anymore Instagram pictures of 50 Cent’s wads of cash pics. See, the last time Fiddy was in bankruptcy court to discuss those pictures, he took another picture of himself with thousands of dollars stuffed into his pants while he was eating M&Ms.

Cuz that’s what asshats do in bankruptcy court.

So when Judge Nevins saw that picture she took away Fiddy’s phone. Wow, how will Fiddy be able to mock the judicial system now that his iPhone is in contempt of court?

So Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe are engaged. How’s that gonna play out? Um, on TV ALLEGEDLY and soon, too, because Blac’n’Rob don’t want to draw it out.

Blac’n’Rob are hoping to negotiate some kind of TV deal which would show the wedding planning and the actual wedding — just like Kim’s nanosecond marriage to Kris Humphries — and That Woman, who doesn’t much care for Blac and thinks the engagement is all media hype, is now trying to negotiate the deal so she can get a few coins out of it, too.

No word on whether or not she’ll negotiate the Divorce Court episode where Blac’n’Rob untie their mess of a union about 72 days after tying the knot.

And while we’re on Kardastrophe’s and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent, did y’all hear this week when Kendall Jenner announced that she started the trend of wearing wigs and that no one else wore them until she did?

Marie Antoinette was last seen crawling from her crypt to bitch slap that child, and starting an army with RuPaul, Dolly Parton, Raquel Welch, George Washington, Patti LaBelle, Little Richard, King Louis XIV, Cher, and me, at age thirteen, wearing one of my Mom’s wigs on  Halloween.

Kendall, honey, sit down. For a long time please.

Now, due to a court order, newspapers in England and Wales can’t print any of the gritty details of this story, but thankfully we are not England and Wales …

Apparently David Furnish, the husband of Elton John — the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit — has been named in a sex scandal across the pond.

English papers are calling the couple “AB” and “CD” while reporting the tale of a “well-known figure”, AKA David Furnish, who had a threesome with another couple more than four years ago.

The National Enquirer — and remember they broke the John Edwards cheater story — says “Elton John betrayed by cheating husband” though they also say John says he knew about the relationship. According to the Enquirer, Furnish had unprotected sex with a man at least twice—an allegation John’s lawyers deny—and that Furnish joined the man and his husband in a threesome that involved cavorting in a kiddie pool filled with olive oil.

Seriously … olive oil and kiddie pools. And since they have been banned from telling the tale, The Sun newspaper was left to simply publishing a picture of a small plastic pool and a glass jar of olive oil.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Megan Fox she was divorcing her husband Brian Austin Green after several years of marriage and two children.

Or, is it three children? See, Megan Fox is pregnant again — showing off a baby bump to promote the no-one-asked-for-this sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — and the baby daddy is  none other than her soon-to-be ex.

It seems that while separating and planning to divorce, Brian and Megan shared a house and a bed and the desire to have unprotected sex and now they’ll go on with the divorce and the baby.

Only in Hollywood.

It’s not exactly shaping up to be a great week for Kardastrophes, and those who are Kardastrophe-adjacent.

Khloe’s show got the boot, and then she took out an ad, or just flapped her lips, that she’s done, again, with Lamar Odom. Kanye Kardastrophe also trotted out yet another excuse for his stealing the limelight from Taylor Swift—something he did almost twenty years ago … or at least it feels like it.

And now Tyga, the baby daddy to his girlfriend’s brother’s soon-to-be stepchild, might have to say goodbye to another one of his leased luxury cars. According to documents Tyga owes a whole lot of money to Choice Motor Credit and hasn’t made a single payment on his 2013 Lamborghini Aventador.

But this isn’t Tyga’s first run in with creditors who want their coins. Earlier this year, Choice Motor Credit repossessed Tyga’s 2014 Bentley Mulsanne — because he still owed $91,000 for that car — and last Summer it was revealed that Tyga owed two different landlords a combined total of $150,000 in unpaid rent. 

And now the repo man has a’calling … again. Look for a Very Special Episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophe’s: Tyga Loses His Car … And His Shiz.

Oh Gwyneth Paltrow, you slay me with your snobbery.

Gwyneth has a new cookbook that someone wrote for her called It’s All Easy because Gwyneth is all about the simplistic of cooking … like asking the maid to rustle up some eggs … ordering the gardener to cut you a salad from the Back Forty … asking the driver to swing by Whole Foods for a bale of kale.

But it was this line that killed me, with Paltrow declaring her home a microwave free zone:

“I do not own a microwave. No. I believe in the old-fashioned way of heating things up.”

Gwyneth-speak for:

I have the servants heat it up with the flame from an old Bic lighter.

And one more thing Gwyneth will not tolerate: dill.

“It really offends me.”

Dill was last seen trying to score a dime bag on Skid Row to put itself out of Paltrow’s misery.