Why Is It ...

… that when people ask me where was the last place I flew, I say ‘Off the handle and there’s another potential flight on the way.’

… that whenever people say to me, ‘You’re going places,’ my first thought is an asylum.

… that it makes me happy to see so many people embracing therapy; some of them could use an exorcism, but … baby steps.

… that we all need to know that the final stage of healing is telling people to fuck off.

… that people must learn that there are two ways of doing things: my way and my other way. 

… that one time, in the third grade, I zoned out and I don’t think I ever zoned back in.

… that when people tell me that I’m too quiet I say it’s because I rarely make sense when I talk.

… that the best part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

… that when a friend says, ‘Oh no, that’s so mean, I can’t say that,’ I say, ‘Give me the phone.’

… that even though I bought new shoes with memory foam insoles I still cannot remember why I walked into the kitchen.

… that I keep forgetting that aging is a process; I was in bed last night for twenty minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough and realized I’d gone to my room to get my wallet.

Why Is It ...

… that I say Good Morning to everyone except those who say it’s too early for my bull shiz; to them I say, 'Get up earlier.'

… that my coffee looked at me this morning and whispered, ‘Sorry, I don’t do miracles.’

… that people don’t get that driving alone is tiring; I have to be the lead singer and the backup singer, the dancers, the drummer and the guitarist, etc.

… that no one understands that I don’t do second chances; 53 chances and then I’m done.

… that most of the time my mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto a trampoline and then started bouncing.

… that I am happy being the reason a nun clutches her Rosary when I walk by.

… that when I was dating and filled the room with candles, my date called it romantic and yet I knew I was about to perform a sacrifice.

… that when people ask if they can come over I say, ‘Sorry, my house is in the shop.’

… that we’re often told we catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I can catch plenty out of your hollowed out carcass, so this can go either way.

… that I love the idea of being someone’s peace, but unfortunately I’m crazy.

Why Is It ...

… that I am as swift as a gazelle … an old one … with arthritis … run over by a Land Rover … seven days ago.

… that I am not weird, but I am simply a Limited Edition. Kidding, I’m weird AF.

… that I don’t have a train of thought … I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when their paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.

… that people need to remember that I have a soft heart and a savage mouth; I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

… that when people disagree with me I generally say, ‘Nice argument, unfortunately, your mama,’ and then I saunter away.

… there is nothing better than hearing friends say, ‘We never see you around.’ I mean, I know, I make sure of it.

… that when people ask me if I run, I say out of patience , money and good decisions.

… that no one realizes I have three basic moods: IDK, IDC, IDGAF and it’s a daily spin-the wheel situation.

… that when I’m drunk I forget I’m shy and I suddenly become the CEO of Chaos, giving life advice to strangers like I’ve got a PhD in bad choices.

… that the idea that someone looked at a purple onion and named it a red red onion really irks me

…. that I seek restraining orders on anyone not wearing deodorant.

Why Is It ...

… that I often warn people by saying, ‘Welcome to my mind. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. Do not feed the animals, drink the water, or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!’

… that I just dunked a cookie into a glass of milk, waited for the bubbles to stop, and thought of you.

… that people never learn the most important tip for talking to me: Don’t.

… that it’s apparently rude to thump someone in the forehead and shout ‘Skip intro’ when they start talking to you.

… that when something says ‘Don’t start it always gives me a thrill and makes me want to start.

… that at a bar the other night I asked for a vodka and the bartender said ‘This is McDonalds’ and then looked at me like I’m crazy when I said, ‘Okay, gimme a McVodka.’

… that someone asks if I want to slip into something more comfortable I will get in my car and leave.

… that I just found out that it’s a ‘thing’ to throw the ball into the crowd after you win the game, but not in bowling … never in bowling.

… that you could really cry me a river and I’d just jump in a boat and row away from you.

… that being naturally funny is annoying  because most of the time I’m just minding my own business and people are over there laughing like I’m doing stand-up.

Why Is It ...

… that my idea of time management is hoping that the tomorrow-me is more responsible than the today-me.

… that it’s just me and my ‘I forgot and I don’t remember’ against the world.

… that you need to learn that if you call me and start talking to people in the background, I will hang up.

… that I ignore subtle hints so that maybe you’ll speak up and be direct like an adult.

… that there are three places you can stay for free and they are: in your own lane, out of my business, and over there.

… that today I am choosing kindness but, you know, it’s still early.

… that people need to know that I’m not friendly, but I am cool so you can speak to me but don’t keep talking to me.

… that I like to make sure everybody is as confused as possible when it comes to me.

… that I know I am not the only one who whispers ‘fuck off’ to myself about certain people at least twenty times a day.

… that I am only just now realizing that my spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

Why Is It ...

… that talking to a new person isn’t exciting anymore because I realize I probably won’t even remember them in a week.

… that people don’t understand that my life would be less stressful if I had my own deserted island.

… that sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

… that no one remembers that my phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

… that when I tell someone “I swear on my life,” they are apt to reply, “I’ve seen your life, swear on something else.”

… that I am based on a true story.

… that when I sing, “when I think about you I touch myself,” what I really mean is I am rubbing my temples because you’re giving me a f**king migraine.

… that when I say “the other day” that could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth.

… when I think of how 2025 is going for me, I think in terms of a movie … written by Stephen King, directed by Tarantino and the music by Yoko Ono.

… that I am at that age where every morning my body whispers, ‘Don’t do that again.’

Why Is It ...

… that the two reasons why I don’t trust people is that [A] I don’t know them, and [B] that I know them.

… that I learn best from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.

… that no one gets that I have officially resigned from Adulthood™ and that from now on decisions will be made using the Eenie-meenie-minie-moe Method, arguments will be settled by sticking out my tongue, and that if you need me, I’ll be at recess.

… that just hearing my name can sometimes ruin someone's day and I’m kinda proud of that.

… that I used to think I didn’t like talkative people in the morning because it turns out  it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, I just don’t like dealing with people in general.

… that when I think that I’m the problem, I instantly also think, Never mind, that doesn’t even sound right.

… that they say I am too young to sign up for a nursing home when I am so ready for Bingo at 2PM, dinner at 4PM and bed at 7PM.

… that I’ve only just realized that the way to get someone’s attention is to not want it any more.

… that I can’t summon Alexa to knock the power out at work.

Why Is It ...

… that the other day I stared at the screen for several minutes and then announced, “God this show is boring,” and then heard my boss say, “This is a zoom meeting.” Still, I wasn't exactly wrong.

… that when someone yells stop, I don’t know if it’s “in the name of love,” or if it’s “Hammer time,” or if I need to “smell the roses.”

… that sometimes a yawn is so good you just gotta scream at the end.

… that when people tell me that I shouldn’t let the cats sleep in the bed with me, they don’t understand that I would lets our cats take a loan out in my name.

… that when people say I’m overthinking the situation they don’t realize that I have no other form of thinking.

… that my grocery list is always very simple … #1: Don’t run into anyone I know, and #2 Bread.

… that when someone is trying to offend me they don’t understand that my sense of humor is blacker than my coffee.

… that Taylor Swift could be performing live from my kitchen and I still wouldn’t go.

… that no one ever told me that when I got older the weather app would become part of my daily routine.

Why Is It ...

… that people will write a paragraph to disagree with me on social media and never think that I hit Delete as soon as I see it.

… that I love when people are rude to me because, oh my god, no way, it’s now my turn.

… that my boss doesn’t see that I am humble enough to know I’m replaceable at work, but also confident enough to know that it will take at least three people.

… that no one realizes that I am quite adept at using all the swear words in a single sentence.

… that people need to realize that if they hear me telling the same story twice, just let it go. I only have six memories and they all take turns.

… that I am planning on engaging in orange cat behavior today and, no, I will not explain.

... that after 50, you're like an old phone battery. Even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10 AM you're at 60%. 

… that being an adult is so weird. I'm unsupervised all the time, how unsafe.

… that I am so easily annoyed by feelings, people, my own thoughts … honestly I don’t even know why I started this list. I’m already irritated

… that sometimes I listen to someone and think ‘Holy shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.’

Why Is It ...

… that, based on the amount of laundry I do every week, I starting to think there are people living here that I haven’t met yet.

… that we all have that one friend that  you need to tell “be nice” before introducing them to anyone new; and, yeah, I’m that friend who needs to be told.

… that if we’re only talking about looks I think I’m a good 7, but if you factor in sense of humor, personality and values I’m a decent 2.

… that when someone says to me, “I never see you around” I respond with, “I know, I make sure of it.”

… that friends need to know that if I don’t text back it’s because they didn’t say anything interesting.

… that I have only just realized that one aspect of adulthood is the rage I feel when they rearrange my grocery store.

… that some people will text me at 2AM asking what I’m doing , and I respond “I’m outside negotiating a peace treaty with a racoon.”

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t do what I do, and stop crying about your problems on the internet and instead bottle them up inside and disguise them with dark inappropriate humor like a grownup.

… that my memory is like an Etch-a-Sketch? Every time I shake my head I forget everything.

… that, while I know my body cannot digest corn, how is possible that after I’ve chewed up the corn it comes back out in the shape of corn.

… that I don’t always have time to fold the laundry, but when I do, I don’t.

… that people must learn that the reason I don’t care about folks talking about me is because I know that when they’re talking about themselves no one cares.

… that my patience with everyone is literally at 1%.

… that people who watch my life and gossip about it should not give up because the new season is about to start streaming.

… that no one looks both ways before getting on my nerves.

… that people need to remember I am not that great in the advice business, but I am a pro at the sarcastic comeback.

Why Is It ...

… that whenever someone says to me, “Your face looks very familiar,” I say, “I know, I’d had it my whole life.”

… that sometimes, in a stressful situation, I say to myself, “Stay calm, jessica.” I know my name isn’t Jessica, but anyway ….

… that I wish I had become a librarian just for the joy of telling people to shut up.

… that I sometimes wish I could meet someone again for the very first time … and walk right past them.

… that if people think I’m cool I tell them, Wake me up from a nap for no reason and see how uncool I can be.

… that I have decided to start telling people to “land your plane” if they’re going talk in circles.

… that I am humble enough to know that I am replaceable at work yet confident enough to know that it would take three or four people.

… that when people ask what sign I am, I say, “Stop sign. Leave me alone.”

… that people need to know they should never argue with me as the only difference between me and a psych ward patient is that I am at home!

Why Is It ...

… that I have decided, with a peaceful spirit and a loving heart and a clear mind … that some people can still kiss my ass.

… that people need to know that I was raised with manners but if you go low, I will take us both to Hell.

… that I hate when people hold the door for me when I’m like ten yards away and then I have to hit a jog to get to the door quickly  so I don’t look rude.

… that people don’t realize that the “P’” in my name stands for Patience and that’s why there is no ‘P’ in my name.

… that I am a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

… that I cannot help but think men invented arm wrestling so they can hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes.

… that when friends ask me if I want to go for a run I always ask, “From what?”

… my adult life is literally how my mom used to describe me as a baby: “Oh, he’s overtired and that makes him cranky.”

… that I have a habit of deleting my own posts quickly because I am not the same person I was three minutes ago.

Why Is It ...

… that when my boss told me he was going to make a swear jar just for me I said I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

… that people around people who don’t swear makes me feel like I am in an unsafe environment.

… that what some people call multitasking, I call doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

… that I am not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

… that people need to know that while I cannot change water into wine, I can turn tequila into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

… that I giggle before I go crazy because I gotta rev that engine.

… that I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, but I am am also not the nicest so please stop talking to me.

… that y’all don’t realize that I need a leaf blower … for people.

… that no one realizes that South Carolina has Winter, then Fake Spring, and then Spring, and when you’re in Fake Spring you must remember that Winter is just around the corner with a folding chair.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that I am actually kind of funny  and loving once you get past the 19 walls I put up.

… that when my boss told me I was all out of vacations days, I told him to sign me up for maternity leave.

… that y’all need to know that I have tried shutting up and found that it wasn’t for me.

… that people don’t understand that they shouldn’t send me mixed signals. I never even get the direct ones.

… that many times I get road rage walking behind people in grocery stores.

… that as I grow older I realize that stretching is not an option. I need to remove my spine and wring it out like a damp towel.

… that today, while I’m choosing kindness, y’all need to remember that it’s still early.

… that, while I am not bragging, I will share that my posts are enjoyed by well over three people worldwide.

… that after venting I sometimes sit back and think, “I should have kept that to myself.”

… that I am not built for anybody who’s soft. I’m mean, I talk back, I don’t listen and sarcasm is my first language.

Why Is It ...

… that people need to learn that trying to talk to me on Messenger is like trying to talk to a wall in your house.

… that most days I want  to put an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on my head and call it a day.

… that when we were younger we wanted to be adults so badly and now look at us. Just fucking look at us!

… that whatever you’re heard about me, know that I can be way worse.

… that the other day I heard a guy in a store on his cell phone saying, “Susan, I’m in the car right now on my way home,” and I yelled, “No, he’s not. He’s at the store.” Nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

… that if you think money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer some to my account.

… that my sister once said that I didn’t respect her privacy, and I only know that because I read it in her diary.

… that I don’t know why, but I love to mess around and find out sometimes.

… that I like to say to someone, when I meet them for the first time, “You’re exactly what I expected.”Ah, establishing dominance.

… that I hate it when I lose things at work … like my favorite pen or my fucking will to live.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t get it that I don’t waste time Googling song lyrics; I sing what I hear ... ♪♫ Dancing queen, young and sweet only seven teeth.♫♪

… that my mood has so many swings it’s a park now.

… that they ask you to be at the airport three hours before your flight but they won’t tell you what gate to go to until the very last minute.

… that, at this point, if a clown invited me into the woods alone, I would just go.

… that my social skills include: 1] laughing when I shouldn’t laugh; 2] telling jokes in awkward situations; and C] saying ‘You too’ when the waiter tells me to enjoy my dinner.

… that you need to know that before you judge me, I don’t care.

… that when someone tells me I look familiar, I say, “I don’t even go outside, why are you lying?”

… that I need an app that deletes my number from other people’s phones.

… that no one understands that if you think I’m mean now, wait until I don’t like you.

… that controlling my facial expressions has to be the toughest battle I fight every day.

Why Is It ...

… that even though I can tell who is real and who is fake, I love watching a fake person’s acting skills.

… that everyone hates math until they get their paycheck and suddenly they all know calculus.

… that when people text me "Where you at” I always look around for a minute before I lie.

… that it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly or beautiful, at the end of the day it’s evening.

… that mind is like a web browser; 21 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

… that people need to learn that when I say “I’ll call you later,” I mean later in life, not later today.

… that while I know I swear a lot ... [A] I am sorry ... [B] I’ll watch my mouth from now on ... [C] A & B are lies ... [D] You can fuck off.

… that while I am trying to stop being mean, y’all need to stop being stupid first.

… thatI have been told that I am going to Hell for my excessive use of the F-word, but I have rented a bus if any of you fuckers want a ride.

Why Is It ...

… that if it’s inappropriate and tasteless and rude, chances are I will find it fucking high-larious.

… that people need to understand that I refer to myself as a “free spirit” because it sounds classier than “out of fucking control.”

… that I want to normalize work emails  with: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

… that I am so antisocial that I will walk past people I know.

… that I don’t even have a sense of humor anymore. Nowadays it’s just sarcasm and a general dislike for the majority of the human population.

… that some of you people need to go to Church because I don’t want you in Hell with me.

… that if you hate me, join the club. There are weekly meeting at the corner of Fuck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd.

… that if you are testing my waters you’d best know how to swim.

… that the reason I don’t make excuses for horrible people is because I know you cannot put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

… that if y’all think I’m crazy do you really think it’s a good idea to fuck with me?