It's Snarkurday!

EnvelopeGate. Yes, people are still talking about, even after the Academy’s accounting firm, Price-Waterhouse-Coopers, fell on Oscar’s sword and said it was their fault for having two copies of each envelope, which is why one of their accountants gave Warren Beatty the Best Actress envelope instead of the Best Picture envelope.

But were there others at fault ... Faye Dunaway? I mean, rumor has it that Warren and Faye were bickering like a couple of old has-beens backstage over who would get to make the announcement, so when Warren looked confused and flummoxed and kerfuffled, and then showed the card to Faye to get her take on it, she just blurted out “La La Land.”

A source says Faye and Warren were very cold with one another during rehearsals and wouldn’t even block their presentation together; they rehearsed separately because they both wanted to read the name.

Now, picture this, Beatty opens the card, sees Emma Stone’s name on it, realizes it’s the wrong card, acts confused, and then gives it to Faye to f**k it up. Wouldn’t that be better than hitting her with a wire hanger?

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Speaking of Oscar night, it’s not just about awards it’s also fashion and beauty and “Who are you wearing?” and “Who did your brows?” Yeah, people don’t usually ask about the brows, but after hearing this, you might wanna have your Red Carpet pros add it to their litany of questions ...

Sharon-Lee Hamilton is The ... and it deserves italics ... Eyebrow Stylist To The Stars. But she’s based in Sydney, Australia so what is an A-lister supposed to do? Well, if you’re bros, Leo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, you send a plane Down Under to swoop Hamilton up and wing her to LA so she can sculpt your brows.

Yes, Mister Environmental, Mister Carbon Footprint, Mister I Fought and Got F**ked By A Bear, Leonardo DiCaprio paid thousands of dollars to have a specialist fly halfway around the world to pluck his eye hair ... and that of his BFF.

Men getting tweezed together; how adorable!

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More Oscars ... maybe Ryan Murphy’s next season of Feud can skip Chuck and Di and just give us Meryl and Karl.

It seems that when Meryl received her 123^rd Academy Award nomination the good folks at Chanel, and Karl Lagerfeld, were set to make her a custom gown, until she said she didn’t want it and the sparks flew!

Women’s Wear Daily [WWD] claims Meryl Streep turned down that couture Chanel after the fashion house refused to pay her to wear it. WWD’s Bridget Foley says Streep had her eye on an embroidered gray silk Lagerfeld gown and asked for the neckline to be customized, until, ALLEGEDLY, someone from Streep’s camp said:

“‘Don’t continue the dress. We found somebody who will pay us.’”

Lagerfeld then hissed to the press:

“A genius actress, but cheapness also, no?”

And so Streep’s team stepped forward to say Karl Lagerfeld is a big fat liar and that his account of what happened is nothing but fluff; they say it is against Meryl’s personal ethics to be paid to wear a gown on the red carpet.

Who to believe ... Meryl or Karl?  Brilliant actress, or fashion designer who doesn’t know when to stop talking and says asshatted things?

I’m Team Meryl. And that’s why I wasn’t surprised when Lagerfeld admitted he Jeff Sessions’d the whole thing:

“Chanel engaged in conversations with Ms. Streep’s stylist, on her request, to design a dress for her to wear to the Academy Awards. After an informal conversation, I misunderstood that Ms. Streep may have chosen another designer due to remuneration, which Ms. Streep’s team has confirmed is not the case. I regret this controversy and wish Ms. Streep well with her 20th Academy Award nomination.”

And Meryl, because she’s Meryl Freaking Streep wasn’t about to let Karl’s non-apology-apology sit:

“In reference to Mr. Lagerfeld’s ‘statement,’ there is no ‘controversy’: Karl Lagerfeld, a prominent designer, defamed me, my stylist and the illustrious designer whose dress I chose to wear, in an important industry publication. That publication printed this defamation, unchecked. Subsequently, the story was picked up globally, and continues, globally, to overwhelm my appearance at the Oscars, on the occasion of my record-breaking 20th nomination, and to eclipse this honor in the eyes of the media, my colleagues and the audience. I do not take this lightly, and Mr. Lagerfeld’s generic ‘statement’ of regret for this ‘controversy’ was not an apology. He lied, they printed the lie, and I am still waiting.”

Man, she went all Miranda Priestly on his ass and I am loving it!

Are you listening Ryan Murphy?

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Enough Oscars for now ... let’s move on to GOOP.

A few years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow and Tracy Anderson created a food-delivery service called 3 Green Hearts, which would deliver outrageously priced food to rich people who don’t wanna leave home. But 3 Green Hearts never really went anywhere until now, when the delivery service has morphed into a stand-alone cafe next door to Tracy’s newest fitness studio in Manhattan.

Now, because it’s GOOP, you know it costs, but, and here’s the deal, y’all, if you spend $900 a month for a membership to Tracy’s studio, you get discounts at the cafe. Yes, that’s right, if you plunk down $10,800 a year at Tracy’s fitness dungeon, you can save some coins at Paltrow’s fancy-pants cafe.

Um, Gwyneth, honey, if I’m paying nearly eleven thou a year to work out at your BFF’s gym, then the discount at your little green eatery better be one-hundred-effing-percent.

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Remember last week when I told you that Katherine Heigl’s new show, Doubt, would no doubt be cancelled halfway through the first episode?

Well, I ... was ... wrong. It took two full episodes for CBS to pull the plug. It will be replaced by a rerun of Bull and then a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off, Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders—which may or may not be about a now-closed bookstore—will take its place.

Poor Katherine. Well, at least she has those cat litter commercials to fall back on.

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Just to prove that it isn’t just Hollywood that has some icky family drama, let’s turn to the Biden’s.

Beau Biden, former Vice president Joe Biden’s son, passed away in 2015 after battling brain cancer. His death really devastated the family, and in turn was one of the reasons Joe decided not to run for president in 2016.

Cut to 2017, and we find that Beau Biden’s widow is dating Beau’s brother, Hunter. Now, it isn’t talking out of the corners of my mouth to say that it was widely known that Beau was “the good brother” and Hunter was kind of a mess—he was drummed out of the Navy and cheated on his wife, Kathleen and divorced her.

And that’s where the ick factor comes in. Joe’s daughter-in-law, Kathleen says that she and Hunter formally separated in October 2015, after had asked him to leave their home in July of the same year, “due to his conduct the night before.” Apparently the couple had an agreement that if he engaged in the conduct in question—though that conduct is not mentioned—he would leave. Kathleen also says claims that Hunter spent lavishly on “drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, strip clubs, and gifts for women with whom he has sexual relations” and that those “habits” depleted their funds available to pay legitimate bills. Kathleen wants their temporary spousal support to be $20K per month for herself, and $5K per month for Hunter, who is now involved with Hallie.

See, I said he was a mess. And what about Hallie? What was she thinking getting involved with a man like Hunter Biden? And, even a bit ickier ... Joe has apparently given the relationship his blessing.

It’s just so icky. My Daddy. My Uncle.

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And howsabout some ex-Missus Marc Anthony mess?

No, not JLo, silly, but his first wife, Dayanara Torres. She and Marc are once again involved in a child support battle, after she has already taken him to court in the past hoping to get a raise in her child support payments—for their two children—from $13,000 a month to $113,000 monthly. Right?

Anthony said that increasing child support would spoil the children essentially, and Dayanara says Marc was hiding millions in assets and that he gives his other ex, JLo, much more in support for his two children with her.

Well, the judge increased the support to roughly $28,000 a month—Marc also pays $ 6,000 to $ 12,000 a year for “vacation expenses”—and Dayanara has been quiet ... until now. She’s apparently ready to reignite her modeling career and so she’s talking dirt about Marc and their child support issues:

 “Being a mother is my main role, and I pushed my career off to the side. Now that they are older [Cristian is 16, Ryan is 13] I feel like I can let go a little. Work is already starting and I feel happy. The kids also want me to do what I’m doing.”

Torres faced backlash for taking Marc to court for more money, but she says it’s all about stability for the children ... she says they were living in a very small apartment and the boy’s had to share a room ... on $13,000 a month! But, she says, if they lived a lavish life with Marc when he had them, then they should have a lavish life with her, too ... or she should have the lavish life, I’m thinking.

And then Dayanara gets in a dig at JLo; talking about what happened during last fall’s Latin Grammys, where Marc was recognized for his career and sang a duet with JLo, which ended in a kiss between the exes, Dayanara says:

 “Such a shame that a moment of so much stature lost quality with everything that came after.”

Ouch. Dayanara doesn’t mention that Marc was married to someone else at the time of the kiss, or that that marriage broke up around the same time; she seems to save her digs for Lopez.

Methinks Dayanara needs to move on, get a modeling gig, and pay her own bills for a while. Maybe then she won’t feel the need to bash her children’s father in magazine pieces.

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Lastly some good news ... a few years back, Jim Parsons, Kaley Cuoco, and Johnny Galecki of The Big Bang Theory pulled a Friends and renegotiated their contracts so that they all make $1 million per episode. Soon, two other main cast members, Kunal Nayyar and Simon Helberg, hit the Million Dollar Club, too.

Well, it’s time once again for Big Bang Theory contract negotiations, and this time it’s  Mayim Bialik and Melissa Rauch—aka Sheldon’s girlfriend and Howard’s wife—who want the raise. The two joined the show in the third season and were getting $200,000 an episode ... how can they live on that!!!—but now that Bang is in its 10th season, they are considered main cast members and so they asked CBS for their million dollar checks, too.

But, CBS may not want to throw more coins at the cast because there’s a small chance that Bang won’t generate as much syndication revenue for these next two years, which might be the show’s final two years.

So Mayim and Melissa might have been cut out of the Major Payday Sweepstakes except, sources say that Jim, Kaley, Johnny, Kunal, and Simon have all offered to take a $100,000 pay cut per episode so that Mayim and Melissa will get a raise. With the extra money, they’ll each make $450,000 an episode.

How’s that for nice? I mean, sure, cutting your million-dollar-per-episode price down to nine-hundred-thousand-per-episode isn’t a huge cut—they won’t be living in shelters and eating out of the garbage, but still, it’s a nice gesture to make.

You know, millionaires lending a hand to other millionaires.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

There is talk that Charlie Sheen has stabilized somewhat since his last breakdown; you know, when he was fired from his millions-of-dollars-a-week TV show, and took his crazy on a tour that fizzled and failed as soon as it started. But then FX brought in a dump-truck full of cash and a new show, Anger Management, was born.

But since he met his future ex-wife, the porn star Brett Rossie, he has ALLEGEDLY gone off the rails. Again. The moment he met this I-Get-Paid-To-F**k-Strangers-On-Video star, Charlie stopped production on his show, fired his management team, evicted two of his former wives and baby mama’s from their homes, and got engaged. And now he’s back to missing work again, which is what started the whole, say Goodbye to 2.5 Men money mess to begin with.

According to sources — and it might be Lohan since she was a guest on the show and a trainwreck in her own right — Charlie’s absences have forced Lionsgate — the show’s studio — to push production schedules back and to use stand-ins for Charlie in certain scenes. And now many in the Anger cast are so, well, angry that they are threatening to stop working if the absences persist.

A Lionsgate spokesperson declined to comment on the situation, and Sheen’s publicist, Jeff Ballard — who, let’s not forget, gets a percentage of Sheen’s money — denies the show ever used stand-ins or shot around Sheen:

“We did not shoot last week because another member of the cast was sick. Charlie is always ready, willing and able to shoot Anger Management and looks forward to returning on Monday.”

Ready, willing and able, but he doesn’t seem to say Charlie was actually there. Still, it would behoove Charlie to stick it out. See, Charlie took a pay cut — to just $100,000 per episode — in exchange for 40% of the show’s profits in syndication, and he’s already show 65 of the contracted 100 episodes. If he makes it to the full order, he’ll be making enough money to bathe in cocaine and hookers for the rest of his life.

If.

Okay, so Dayanara Torres used to be Missus Marc Anthony before he dumped her ass to marry the bigger ass — JLo — who would become the next Missus Marc Anthony and the next ex-Missus Marc Anthony.

But this is all about Dayanara. See, last year she decided to play the Ex-Wife Lotto and filed papers asking that her child support be raised from $13,000 a month — AKA $156,000 annually — to  $113,000 a month — AKA $1,356,000 annually — because Anthony children are expensive. Or something.

Dayanara cried that Marc makes over a million dollars a month, so $113,000 isn’t so much to ask, and they’re still duking it out in court because, well, now Marc also has those Jello Kids to support as well, and you just KNOW Jennifer Lopez ain’t doing it on 13G’s a month!

Dayanara recently claimed in court that she was so hard up for money that she had to sell her house and move into an apartment in the Valley, but Marc Anthony has a whole different story about why Dayanara fled Beverly Hills.

He says part of her problems stem from the fact that she was banging a married guy and when this guy’s wife found out, she showed up to Dayanara’s house in Beverly Hills and started calling Dayanara  a “Whore” — over a bullhorn, no less!

Well, the scorned wife showed up regularly at Dayanara’s house — and Marc Anthony even admits to sending his security people over there — and that’s why Dayanara moved; not because it’s hard to raise two children on $13,000 a month.

Dayanara denies that the Bullhorn-whore drama ever happened.

Rich people problems. Well, rich people with sluts for ex-wives problems, I guess.

A while back the Chipotle restaurant chain came up with an interesting Scarecrow commercial about their food being all fresh and stuff and enlisted the help of Frank Ocean to sing a song — a cover of “Pure Imagination” — in the animated piece. Chipotle advanced Ocean the sum of $212,500, with the promise of an additional $212,500 after he finished the song.

Well, Frank never recorded the song, and left the project because he thought it was a campaign to promote responsible farming and didn’t like that Chipotle was going to stamp their logo at the very end of the ad.

What? They put their logo on a commercial? Yeah, so Frank walked and Fiona Apple came in to sing the song and the commercial was a big beautiful hit for Chipotle. Only, now they want their money back from Ocean, and when he didn’t return it they filed a lawsuit.

So, Frank decided it would be best to save himself some hefty lawyer fees — because you know he would have lost the case — and he mailed a cashier’s check for $212,500 to Chipotle with that message in the memo line:

It was, and I’ll say it, quite the Chris Brown thing to do, you know, like after Chris Brown got through slapping Ocean in that LA parking lot last year.

Just sayin’.

So, did anyone see Justin Bieber’s tough guy, thug boy taped deposition in that lawsuit filed against him for ALLEGEDLY sending his bodyguards to beat someone up because they called the Biebs a sissy or something?

He pouted, rolled his eyes, made fun of his attorney, and snapped his fingers when someone mentioned Selena Gomez, his on-again-off-again-on-again codependent girlfriend who just left rehab because of her Biebs addiction.

Now Justin has been Tweeting about being harassed at his deposition because he was ::::gasp:::: asked questions! He’s the victim here and lawyers are questioning him! He says the deposition tapes were a set-up to make him look bad but he doesn’t seem to realize that it was his own behavior — that of a petulant little boy — that did him in.

And he wants it to end! Y’hear? He’s a busy boy. There’s Sizzurp to chug and mop buckets top piss in and fans to spit on.

The best part of all, though, was Justin’s Freudian slip: when asked if Usher discovered him and was “instrumental” to his career, Bieber took all the credit, with one slip-up:

“I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

Detrimental! Loving it!

So, Lindsay Lohan may have already run through the $2 million Oprah gave her last summer for that reality show docu-series so she needs to find some cash quick, or else go back to working the streets.

There was talk that she was shopping around a book if she could get a $5 million dollar deal, but most sane people realized that any publisher worth their salt wouldn’t pay Lohan $5 million so she could pay someone to write her “story.”

Now, though, she seems to realize that maybe she ought to name names if she wants the big check, so, one night, while barhopping with friends, Lohan sat down and wrote about all the one-night stands, er, boyfriends, um, johns, okay,  customers she’s had over the years and it reads like a Who’s Who and What The Hell Did They Bang Her For? of Hollywood.

In Touch has exclusively obtained a handwritten list, penned Lohan herself, exposing 36 of her famous lovers, the likes of which include — and I'll describe their Lohan Encounters by their film or musical works — Adam Levine: I wonder if he Moves Like Jagger? Zac Efron: High School Musical; Justin Timberlake: Cry Me a River; and Joaquin Phoenix: Walk The Line..

Also named on the list are Colin Farrell: talk about a Fright Night: Evan Peters: a real American Horror Story: Asylum; Wilmer Valderrama: I'm thinking Unaccompanied Minors: and Heath Ledger: The Dark [k]Night.

And then there’s Lukas Haas: which, knowing Lohan, might have been While She Was Out; Jamie Dornan: Fifty Shades of What The Hell Am I Doing? Garrett Hedlund: Death Sentence. And James Franco? Okay, Franco I believe, because you know he went home and wrote a poem.

Anyway, it’s all some tired attempt by Lindsay to spark interest in her, because nothing says that’s a good book like I fucked just about everybody and nothing says this girl is a great actress like She banged Joaquin Phoenix.

If you were thinking that Lady Gaga is just about over, here’s some more evidence that she’s passed her sell-by date:

She created a foundation, naturally named after one of her hit songs, or is it her one hit song, Born This Way, and the Born This Way Foundations mission statement is “to foster a more accepting society, where differences are embraced and individuality is celebrated.” That’s pretty, but loosely translated it means, “lawyers get money.”

See, in 2012, the Born This Way Foundation claimed $2.1 million in net assets and brought in $2.6 million in donations. But a giant chunk of that money went to paying off lawyers, consultants, publicists, travel expenses and all sorts of other stuff, perhaps, like giant shoes and stupid hats. The total spent on expenses was about $1.5 million and the total spent on actual charity, i.e. the mission statement, was $5,000; it went down like this:

$406,552 – legal fees
$300,000 – strategic development
$150,000 – philanthropic consulting
$348,000 – bus-tour productions
$77,923 – travel
$60,000 – research
$58,678 – publicity
$50,000 – social media development
$47,825 – meeting and event coordination
$5,000 – grants to organizations or individuals

And apparently there is a category marked “other” and those expenses — and you can just imagine what those might be — totaled some $808,661.

Now, a spokestool  for the Born This Way Foundation says their mission, er, goal, isn’t to give grants, but to raise “awareness” like when they say they taught 19,000 kids about “civic engagement” during their bus tour last summer.

Methinks it’s time Lady Gaga went back to her real name, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, and reinvented herself as an actress and guest-stars on Two and a Half Men as Ashton Kutcher’s newest love interest.

Of course, you just know she’d drop the Stefani Joanne and call herself Angelina Germanotta.