Why Is It ...

… that while some best friends get matching tattoos, my best friend and I have matching mental issues.

… that I have the ability to mulitask; I can lose my mind and chill at the same time.

… that I had to learn about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. That information is only useful during Parallelogram Season.

… that even though I keep saying “it is what it is,” I need to know: what is it?

… that kids today are so soft. I remember I died once when I was seven and my mom told me to walk it off.

… that anytime I am suspicious of something I swear I am almost always right.

… that every so often I choose to wear a House Arrest Ankle bracelet as an excuse not to go out at night.

… that I never did a One Night Stand, but I did do a One Year of Wasting My F*cking time.

… that I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Know Your Audience

We don’t get a lot of catalogues here at Casa Bob y Carlos for a couple of reasons:

1] We don’t order from catalogues, and…

B] It’s 2021!!! There’s this thing called “the internet” which is a catalogue for literally everything.

So, imagine my surprise when I opened the mailbox and found The Vermont Country Store catalogue inside. I instantly thought of jams and jellies and homemade food stuffs and some interesting tchotchkes. Imagine my shock when I opened the first few pages and found Sister Wife Fashions… followed by the terror of a page full of bras. 

Not to mention the section on tablecloths. They’re made of “real” fabric that wipes clean and won’t peel or crack—perhaps the same fabric used in the bras? I dunno, but I do know that Maria, from Carolina, loves the “Happy Checks” and so she used all season long!

But the most egregious error, the error that made me realize that The Vermont Country Store does not know their target audience.

Men in nightshirts.

And rather than photographs of men in underwear—like the kind in the catalogues I used to keep under my bed after my mom had thrown them out—they used pencil sketches of underwear for men.

Pencil-f**king-sketches.

And that’s when it hit me. This isn’t the fault of The Vermont Country Store, it’s the fault of the United States Postal Service, because clearly this catalogue was mailed in 1974 and only now just arrived.

Now, if you’ll forgive me, I think I need some actual cloth, won’t peel or crack, seasonal checked tablecloths.

I mean, if they’re good enough for Maria from California ….

I Have Ruined So Many Pairs Of Pants With These New Drawers

And Now For Something New: Ball Sacks and Dick Holes.

One thing I loathe about Facebook are the ads; you click on it, and then suddenly it’s all over your page and your News feed … like I really need another ad for lamps from Wayfair. Spoiler Alert: I don’t. But, apparently, one day I clicked on an ad for underwear, though I don’t know which one or why, and suddenly I am inundated with ads for Separatec Underwear.

It, um, separates your balls from your dick, so to speak. See, there’s a pouch in the crotch where your cradle your balls, and there right above the pouch, is a hole where you slip your dick. Oh, don’t worry, your dick isn’t just hanging out there free and easy; nope, they’re created sort of a hoodie for your dick.

Seriously. And they say you won’t get sweaty and your balls won’t stick to your dick, or vice versa, and …the real reason for the drawers … they keep your junk up front and center making it look larger than it is.

Just sayin’. Separatec. For when your balls and your dick want a little time apart.

Bobservations

This week, as I was finishing up work with one of our clients, Peter, who owns the bakery in town, Carlos came in; he’d been doing an interpretation at a lawyer’s office and came into my job so we could ride home together.

Carlos and Peter began chatting and then Peter’s wife, Fran, came in and they all were talking baking and pies and such. I finished up my work and as Carlos and I were leaving, we said goodbye to Peter and Fran. Peter called out:

“Keep an eye on him, Carlos.”

Peter knows of my reputation for being a bit of a troublemaker; Carlos called back:

“With my good eye!”

And he laughed about that all night long, because that’s how he handles this eyesight issue. But the next day Peter was back in and told me to apologize to Carlos because he didn’t mean what he said, and that it was rude. I told him Carlos found it high-larious and there was no apology necessary because Carlos was still laughing about it today.

That’s Carlos; always looking at the bright, and funny, side.

Margie Reckard was one of the victims of domestic white terrorism in El Paso earlier this month and when it came time to plan her memorial, her husband, Antonio Basco, thought no one would show up for the  service as the couple had no relatives in the area. Basco put out the word that anyone was welcome … and nearly a thousand people showed up at the La Paz Faith Memorial and Spiritual Center to say goodbye to Margie. The center was filled with over 400 mourners, while another 700 waited  outside in nearly 100-degree heat to pay respects to a woman they didn’t even know.

Strangers from as far away as Japan and New Zealand sent so many flowers that Salvador Perches, owner of Perches Funeral Home, had 22 hearses, one for each victim, filled with the overflow flowers and then sent them to the memorial site in El Paso.

This story both warms and breaks my heart; it makes me happy because of the compassion of strangers from around the world; it makes me sad because I know this story will happen again.

And Again.

So, will this one … in Wynne, Arkansas, four young black teenagers were going door-to-door selling discount cards for their annual high school football team fundraiser. At one home, a black dog chased the boys into the back of a truck until the dog’s owner came out to assure them the dog was friendly; the boys then spent several playing with the dog.

Then they met Jerri Kelly; and her gun. Kelly had seen the boy’s in the neighborhood and had already called the police about the “suspicious persons” who were “yelling and screaming” in the driveway of her neighbor’s house.

“All males were African American, and I know this residence to [be] white.” Kelly told police. She reported the boys “horseplaying” in the driveway, “aggravating the dog that lived there” and when they turned toward her house, Kelly said she feared for her safety, and grabbed her gun.

By the time officers arrived eight minutes later, Kelly was holding the teens, on the ground, at gunpoint, demanding to see their IDs. Luckily, one of the responding officers recognized the teens as students from Wynne High School, where he is the resource officer. He told them they to go wait by the patrol car, but when they began to walk away, Kelly began lecturing them, saying her actions weren’t racially motivated; she said the boys were acting “suspicious” and did not look like salesmen.

You know, because they were black kids knocking at the door of a white house.

Jerri Kelly was charged with four counts each of aggravated assault and false imprisonment, both felonies, and four counts of endangering the welfare of a minor, which is a misdemeanor. Kelly’s husband is the Cross County Jail administrator; after her arrest, and there she was booked and bonded out without ever getting her mug shot taken, which has drawn criticism from locals that she received preferential treatment.

You don’t say …

If you didn’t see this coming, you had your eyes closed.

_____ is against the stronger background checks that he was for just last week in the wake of the shootings in El Paso and Dayton because he says the United States already has “very strong background checks” for gun purchasers.

I guess that check from the NRA to his reelection campaign cleared and he used it to wipe the blood off his hands.

Speaking of racists, like ____, in November 2018 members of the Pacifica High School water polo team gave a Nazi salute and sang a Nazi march song at an awards ceremony, according to media reports.

A video of these morons recently surfaced, but nothing ever happened to those students; no censure by the school, no suspensions, nothing.

The administration simply looked the other way, until now. The Garden Grove Unified School District released a statement:

“Garden Grove Unified School District and Pacifica High School strongly condemn a video recorded last year of some students who engaged in offensive Nazi-related gestures. The video was filmed in November 2018 prior to the start of an after school hours, off-campus student athletics banquet in an empty and unsupervised room at the facility. The video was shared within a small group of students on SnapChat. It was not brought to the attention of the administration of Pacifica High School until March of 2019, four months following the banquet, at which time school administrators took immediate action and addressed the situation with all students and families involved. Federal law (Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act) prohibits the district from disclosing details of student discipline.”

Uh huh. Right.

After trying to buy Greenland from Denmark last week—no, seriously, he tried to buy a country—_____ has postponed a planned trip to Denmark claiming it was because Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen said that “Greenland is not for sale.”

The cancellation was a rare snub of Denmark’s head of state, Queen Margrethe II, who had extended the invitation to _____ and would have hosted him and the first lady but is that true or could it be something else, like, oh, I dunno …

The fact that Barack Obama is also set to visit Denmark next month and _____ is afraid he’ll look bad in comparison.

Yeah, that’s it.

Oops, another one bites the dust. Conservative GOP Christian Tennessee state 

Representative Bill Sanderson resigned last week citing a son-in-law in poor health and the demands of his business, but is that really what happened, or …. Is it because of the Grindr messages and nude photos uncovered by journalists that have exposed Sanderson as yet another Republican closeted gay male hypocrite has voted against every LGBTQ issue that has come before him.

Bye Felicia.

Men’s underwear company Tommy John has issued a new report has been released that shows nearly half of all Americans don’t change their drawers every day.

Half of you are running around in day old underwear!

Some 1,000 people took the poll, with 45% saying they had worn the same pair of underwear for two or more days, while another 13% admitted to wearing the same pair for a week or more! In big surprise news, Tommy John found that men were 2.5 times as likely as women to wear crusty drawers for a week or more.

No word on those of us who go commando a lot.

Finally! Five years after Eric Garner’s dying plea that “I can’t breathe” became the rallying cry against police brutality across the nation, Daniel Pantaleo, the police officer who murdered him has been fired.

If you remember Garner was busted for selling single “loose” cigarettes on the streets of New York, and Pantaleo used a banned chokehold to bring Garner to the ground while he was gasping that he couldn’t breathe eleven times.

In 2014 a Staten Island grand jury declined to indict Pantaleo for the killing of Eric Garner.

This, however small, is at least some form of justice.

I love bald men …but beefy bald men in little bikinis drive me insane, and so here we have one Webster Charlotten, male model, and Hot Man of the Week.

See what I mean?

Enjoy.

Bobservations

We had a bit of a scare last Friday involving the Greatest Cat in the World, Tuxedo.

See, our cats do not go outside, at least unattended. Tuxedo is allowed to walk along the railing with me by his side, or sit in my lap and take a siesta, but because of the rural nature of Casa Bob y Carlos, and the wild-ish animals who roam nearby, it’s not a good thing to let cats wander.

That said, over the course of time we’ve lived here Tuxedo has escaped a handful of times and has always been lured back inside by the promise of treats.

Last Friday, Carlos got up, let the dog out, fed the cats and made the coffee; we had breakfast and chatted and then I got up from the table …

“Where’s Tuxedo?”

“I don’t know, He was here for breakfast.”

"Did he get out when you let the dog in?”

“I don’t know.”

We began the search; through the house, in all the bedrooms, the office, the laundry room, the sunroom; under couches or on tables; in closets where perhaps a door was closed on him; in the bathroom.

No Tuxedo. I head out back, treats in hand, shaking the bag…

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

No Tuxedo. I go into the front yard …

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

No Tuxedo. Now I am scared and getting annoyed because I think Carlos missed him when he ran outside and so all kinds of thoughts—of what happened to the cat and what I will do to Carlos—are racing through my head.

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

Back inside; no cat. I then check every single cupboard in the kitchen, the laundry room and all the bathrooms, shaking that damned bag of treats as I go …

“TUXEDO! TUXEDO! TUXEDO!”

In the master bathroom, I look into a cupboard; no cat. I turn … and there he is, sitting in the bathtub.

See, the night before we’d given all the cats a hit of Advantage because they were scratching a lot. You give Advantage at the base of their neck, so they can’t lick it off.

Tuxedo, because he is so smart, thought he’d wait until Mean Daddy—his name for Carlos—got out of the shower and then he would roll around on the bottom of the tub so see if he could rub the Advantage off.

He got yelled at for disappearing and big smooch from Nice Daddy—that’s what he calls me—for being safe.

In the car, later, driving Carlos to work, I said:

“Sorry for all those hateful things I said about you when we couldn’t find Tuxedo.”

“You didn’t say anything mean to me.”

“In my head, sweetheart in my head.”

“Oh, I expect it was especially vicious then.”

“Yes.”

And luckily, just in my head.

Model Todd Sanfield created an underwear line a few years ago, and that’s one of the photos of the newest campaign.

Um, is it invisible, underwear, Todd?

The “Commando” Line?

This week we learned that 300 priests in Pennsylvania have molested over a thousand children. Boys and girls raped by priests and the Vatican has said

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That’s all.

Up there in Vermont, Christine Hallquist has become the Democratic nominee for governor.

Not a big deal, except Hallquist is the first openly transgender nominee for governor.

The march goes on, but still …

A middle school in Achille, Oklahoma is closed on the heels of violent threats by parents … parents … on social media against Maddie, a 12-year-old transgender student who identifies as female and uses the girls’ bathroom.

Maddie had been using the staff bathroom at her old school but began using the girls’ bathroom at the new school because she didn’t know where the staff bathroom was. And, naturally, she was accused of using the bathroom to “peep” at other students.

And that’s when the threats began on a private parents’ Facebook group for the school. The parents … again parents … called Maddie “it” and “thing”, suggested that her genitalia be mutilated to make her female …

“A good sharp knife will do the job real quick”

Another illiterate, toothless, possibly cousin-f**king parent said it was “hunting season on them kind” and that there was “no bag limit.”

In Vermont trans females are running for governor, but in Oklahoma trans females are running for their lives.

Oh, lord, he doesn’t “get” time zones!

It appears that several times in the first year of his administration, _____ wanted to call Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in the middle of the afternoon but there was a wee problem: afternoon in DC is the middle of the night in Tokyo and _____ didn’t understand that.

Seriously. His team tried to cover his buffoonery by saying that, as a global businessman grifter, _____ does understand time zones, but that he can’t be bothered to add up “time differences” when he feels like calling a foreign leader.

Oh, yeah, that’s a much better explanation.

In the wake of Omarosa going unhinged, Minister of Propaganda Kellyanne Conway ran into some trouble when she couldn’t name a single West Wing staffer who is African-American.

This Week host Jonathan Karl noted that pariah Omarosa had been the most senior black person in _____’s White House and asked Kellyanne who that person might be now, and Kellyanne said:

“African American?” 

She then named HUD Secretary Ben “Brain Surgeon” Carson, but Karl quickly pointed out that Carson is not a member of the White House staff. He asked again:

“I’m asking you about the White House staff. Who — who there is in the White House staff right now?"

“We have Ja’Ron [but Conway couldn’t remember the last name of Special Assistant for Legislative Affairs Ja’Ron Smith] “He’s been very involved with Jared Kushner and President _____ on prison reform from the beginning.”

Karl asked if Smith had an office in the West Wing, to which Kellyanne lied:

“He has an office on the — in the EOP, absolutely, the Executive Office of the President, yes.”

The EOP is where non-West Wing staff work and it’s in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building next door to the White House.

Oh, Kellyanne, facts are hard, eh, girl?

In case you needed more proof that Republicans lie whenever their mouths are moving, I give you Florida Republican State House candidate Melissa Howard.

There were rumors that she didn’t earn a degree from Miami University in Ohio, so Howard flew home to prove the naysayers wrong. And then she posted a picture on social media of a partial college transcript and another picture of her holding a copy of a diploma, but …

… the degree is a fake, according to Miami University General Counsel Robin Parker, who saw the pictures. And quicker than you can say, ‘Bitch don’t lie,’ Howard removed the diploma pictures from Facebook.

Miami University says Howard attended the school, but did not earn a degree, either in 1994 as she first stated, or in 1996, which she later claimed. And the degree she’s holding so proudly in that picture is a Bachelor of Science in Marketing something Miami University does not offer, and never has.

In addition, the "diploma" contains the signatures of Robert C. Johnson, Dean. Well, Johnson was dean of the graduate school not the dean for the School of Business and therefore would not have signed Howard’s diploma.

Howard has stopped talking which means, for now, she’s also stopped lying.

UPDATE Melissa “Pants On Fire” Howard has dropped out of the race. Bye Felicia!

____ ally and confidante Roger Stone posted a photo to Instagram—which he has since deleted—showing _____ and his Flying Monkeys—Senator Devin Nunes, Rudy Giuliani, Roger Stone, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Mike Pence, and Sean Hannity—dressed in “Space Force” uniforms.

Stone posted the picture with the caption:

“I love this —proud to be in this crew—but the only lies being told are by liberal scumbags.”

Trouble was the uniforms were emblazoned with Swastikas.

Sheesh, Republicans are dumb.

Some men I’d like to see model the Todd Sanfield Commando Line?

Christopher Meyer, top left, who plays the young hottie Anton on The Affair… Sidenote: The Affair might be one of the best shows you’re not watching.

Christopher Abbott, top right, plays Mason on The Sinner, a kind of Whydunnit instead of a Whodunnit.

Will Brittain, bottom left, plays Dave, one of the good … hot …guys on Colony, while Tory Kittle, bottom left, plays another good … hot … guy on the same show.

Just sayin’ …commando.

Random Musings

You know he loves to put his name on things, but this is ridiculous.

While Donald _____ is touring America to thank the people who voted for him—roughly 3 million less than voted for Hillary—he has issued a new gift from his “Thank You Tour”: the party cup.

A typically disposable item—Walmart sells them in bulk, 50 for $6.27 or 13-cents each—_____ is charging $23.00 for a pack of four! And they look like those iconic red SOLO cups seen at teen parties and frat houses everywhere they are not exactly reusable, though they come with a “hand wash only” disclaimer.

Would that we could wash our hands of _____.

At any rate, I prefer to think of it as the I Voted For The Racist Bigoted Anti-Immigrant Anti-Muslim Anti-LGBT Unqualified Misogynist Guy And All I Got Was a $6.00 Plastic Cup cup.

Still, if you’re looking for some _____ merch, look no further than Vancouver entrepreneurs, Matthew Paish and Sarbjit Gill, who were stunned at the _____ election, and so they created a pair of “undies for humanity” called The Protest Pair that they’re funding through Kickstarter.

The underwear features a buffoon yelling into the abyss, holding a megaphone in his teeny-tiny hands. “Blah blah blah blah blah” is written all over to represent his tweets. There’s also a horizontal fly thoughtfully placed over Mr. Trump’s mouth for easy access when nature calls.

While I find it high-larious, I do not want _____’s mouth, even a cartoon _____’s mouth anywhere near my junk. Still, they are funny ...

Sári ‘Zsa Zsa’ Gábor Belge Hilton Sanders Hutner Cosden Ryan O’Hara de Alba von Anhalt died at what was presumed to be 99 years old this week.

That is all, darrrrrrrlings

Britney Spears has a new boyfriend, ALLEGEDLY, and he is ALLEGEDLY a model—he appeared in a BritBrit video—and a personal trainer named Sam Asghari.

Whatever he does for a living she is one lucky bitch.

Last week, after running several errands, Carlos and I stopped in at our local pizza place to get some take-out. Since it was Friday night, the place was busy and so we took a spot in line.

In front of me was a little person and when it was his turn he stepped up to the counter to order. He asked for a pizza and some salads, I think, and then he asked for an order of fries; the woman at the counter said:

“Small fry.”

Now, I am so politically incorrect that I stifled a giggle. I kept thinking about an episode of Will and Grace when, at Karen’s wedding to Lyle Finster—and, yes,  I am a whore for W&G—Jack looked at a plate of seafood and said, “Shrimp.”

And Beverley Leslie, who was walking by and is rather short, tuned back and said, “Queer.”

That’s what I was thinking about the little person and the small fry.

That’s just me. Now, to be fair, and clear, I didn’t laugh inside the pizza place, I maintained my composure until I got to the car. And then I had to explain to Carlos the two meanings of ‘small fry.’

So, apparently Tom Arnold has video of Donald _____ suing the n-word during The Apprentice.

Quelle surprise, _____ is a racist? But Arnold had previously said he wouldn’t release the tape, but now he’s rethinking that idea because he says he received a voicemail from _____’s team threatening a defamation lawsuit over his claims that he has seen the rumored tape on racist _____.

Sit down, Arnold, you should have released this hate speech before the election, and you’re only talking now because you’re a nobody looking for another fifteen minutes of fame.

We know _____'s a racist; racists voted for him so they won’t care that he used the n-word.

Sit.Down.

Carlos and I decided that we wouldn't do gifts this year because we had a a major, major, expense in the car repair department and we are ready to rip out the carpets and lay down some hard woods ... in the house,. I mean.

So, we opted to make New Floors our Christmas gift this year, but then I saw a couple of things Carlos needed and one thing he didn't know he needed until he sees it Christmas Day so I bought those for him.

And then I saw something I wanted ... a living doll.

Fingers crossed he gets the hint!

So, after Pat McCrory passed North Carolina’s Hate Bill—HB2—into law and after it cost him reelection, North Carolina Republican lawmakers decided to the anti-LGBT law, except ... their plan does not entirely repeal HB2.

Their new bill—SB4—does repeal HB2, including its restrictions mandating what bathrooms transgender people may use, but it also creates a “Six-Month Cooling-Off Period,” in which no municipality in the state may pass any laws related to employment or public accommodations, specifically noting “access to restrooms, showers, or changing facilities.”

Sounds like a bait-and-switch to me, but then that’s the GOP, right? That’s another six months that LGBT people in Charlotte, and around the state, will have no explicit legal recourse at the state or local level if they experience discrimination in employment, housing, or public accommodations.

In the end, the NC Senate approved an amendment to the repeal bill extending the six-month moratorium on local protections until the end of the 2017 legislative session. In other words, the deal got worse, because North Carolina Republicans refuse to vote for a bill that will still allow cities to protect LGBT people from discrimination.

Hate lives on in North Carolina thanks to the GOP.

So, this week we got a Christmas card from my dad. It had the right street name, but the wrong house number; in fact, there is no house on this street with the number my dad used.

But we got the card anyway.

Now, was it because the card had our correct names on it? You know, first and last names? Nope, the card was addressed to ‘Bob and Carlos,’ no last names, but it wasn’t returned to the Post Office ... that's it up there ... because, living in a small town, the Postman knew that a Bob and Carlos lived at our address so he simply put it in the box.

Small towns do have their perks, like getting mail addressed to a couple of first names at the wrong address.

So, the Devil’s Helper, Kellyanne Conway was on GMA this morning calling _____ the "People's President."

Um, yeah, that means the "People's President" has a Cabinet whose net worth is hovering around $13 BILLION dollars. Not exactly the wealth of "the people."

Note to Kellyanne: While he may be the "Electoral College's President" it's clear that Hillary Clinton is the "People's President."

So, Kellyanne, again I ask you to sit the fuck down.