It's Monday and I'm ...

Goldie Hawn says that fifty-seven years ago, when she was just twenty, she ALLEGEDLY had an out-of-this-world experience with an extra-terrestrial. She claims  she was in the desert, sleeping in her car when the aliens came upon her and …

“They touched my face, and it felt like the finger of God. It was the most benevolent, loving feeling. This was powerful. It was filled with light.”

Yet it took her fifty-seven years to announce it … like when her career is kind of over and maybe she needs a job?

Kim Kardastrophe has announced the launch of Skims’ Ultimate Nipple Bra in which you can pay $62 for a bra with built-in fake nipples. Kardastrophe says:

“The Earth’s temperature is getting hotter and hotter. The sea levels are rising. The ice sheets are shrinking. And I’m not a scientist, but I do believe everyone can use their skillset to do their part. That’s why I’m introducing a brand-new bra with a built-in nipple—so no matter how hot it is, you’ll always look cold.”

And she’ll always look stupid.

Justin Timberlake is “not at all happy” about what Britney Spears has written in her new memoir about their time together.

I guess being called a pig who forced an abortion on his girlfriend who didn’t want one, and then broke up with her in a two-word text and wrote a song about the breakup called ‘Cry Me A River’ hurts?

Truth always does.

For a hot minute, the broke-ass Tori Spelling had moved out of her $100-a-night motel she was sharing with her five or six kids, and out of the camper they lived in, and moved into a house she rented for $18,000 a month.

Looks like the whole ‘I’m poor’ and can’t afford a house bull shit was just that. But wait, there’s more … 

Tori moved out of her expensive rental just days after settling in because , ALLEGEDLY  man with a gun took a hostage in the house down the street.

Apparently the neighbors were getting more press than Tori and she couldn’t stand it.

Speaking of memoirs, Rebecca Romijn has yet to react to her ex-husband John Stamos’ memoir bombshells  but her husband, Jerry O’Connell, is telling anyone and everyone that Romjin didn’t “get any warning” about being in the book.

Seriously? Your ex-husband writes the story of his life and you’re shocked you’re in it?

Thirst traps.

Why Is It ...

… that rightwingnuts tell me that if I don’t like Jason Aldean’s gun-toting ambiguously racist filmed on a lynching site video and song, then I don’t need to watch it or listen to it?  But if I same the same thing to them about books—if you don’t like certain books, don’t read them—they don’t understand the hypocrisy?

… that Tori Spelling and the five children she shares with her soon-to-be-ex Dean McDermott appear to be living at a $100-a-night motel in the Los Angeles area? Is it because she’s filming another reality show, Tori Does Skid Row?

… a federal judge has refused to allow Florida’s drag ban to go back into effect after an earlier ruling placed a temporary injunction against it?  Is it because the judge knows that drag is art and as such is protected as Free Speech? Go see a drag show, Florida, it’ll take your mind off the fascist you elected governor.

… that Large Marge is all over Twitter saying she will never stop fighting to protect kids, but says not one single word about the so-called men of faith who are raping children in churches? Is it because in church child rape is acceptable to the GOP?

… that the state of Florida wants to teach children that enslaved people benefited from slavery because they learned a trade?

… Miranda Lambert pitched a fit when people took selfies while she sang? I mean, she got her coins and, no disrespect, it’s Miranda Lambert. Does anyone really wanna hear her sing?

... that some days I realize I'm surrounded by idiots, and other days I realize that it's not just some days?

... that the GOP wants so-called pornography, in the form of LGBTQ+ literature, removed from libraries, but cheer when Large Marge shows pornographic, private images in Congress?

Snarky Thoughts

It looks like there’s some movement in Kevin Costner’s attempts to get soon-to-be ex-wife Christine Baumgartner out of the family manse. According to Kevin, Christine is squatting in HIS house because, according to their prenup, she was supposed to get out within 30 days of her May 1 divorce filing. And even though Kevin gave her $1 million to find a Santa Barbara shack to rent she hasn’t packed her bags because now she wants almost $250K a month in child support to maintain the, ahem, “quality of life their three teenage kids are accustomed to" and he says Christine is holding the mansion  hostage until she’s guaranteed a big pay day. Now, all of that seems true given that Christine has ALLEGEDLY said she will only move when the court orders Kevin to cough up a dump truck of money.

My Thought: Is it too late for Kev and Chrissie to adopt me? I mean, as one of their children, I could get by on about $100K a month … a bargain in my mind.

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We’ve all had bad hair days … well, not me, mine always looks fabulous ... but poor Lana Del Rey had the Bad Hair Day to end all Bad Hair Days. Scheduled to perform at Glastonbury, alongside Guns N’ Roses, Lizzo, and Rick Astley, Lana was set to take the stage at 10:30 PM but failed to show for an embarrassingly long time because ... wait for it ... her hair took longer than anticipated; Lana acknowledged that her set might get cut short too because her mop wouldn't cooperate.

My Thought: Lana should’a slapped a wing on her melon because, as if on cue, and in mid-song, her set ended at her scheduled end time.

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As the Writer’s Guild of America [WGA] strike rages on, most actors are supporting the writers’ demands for better living wages in the age of digital streaming. It’s all about what is fair, unless you’re Kim Kardastrophe and only care about what’s fair to you. And what’s fair to Kimmy is crossing a picket line to film a wee spot in next season’s American Horror Story … I won’t be watching … and took to Twitter to talk about working, causing writer’s all through Hollywood, who are not writing for TV and Movies, to post on Twitter that Kim Kardastrophe … not to be confused with Meryl Streep but perhaps with the woman who brings Meryl her coffee ... is an idiot and a scab.

My Thought: I might be wrong, but I think the plot of this next season of AHS is the frightening idea that porn stars turned media whores think they’re actors. They’re not.

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Speaking of Hollywood couples splitting up, the low-rent version of Kevin and Christine, AKA Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling, are also separating. But unlike the Costner split, this time it’s the man causing all the fuss, with Dean now claiming that for nearly two decades after the two began cheating with one another on their former spouses and then divorced those spouses and married one another, that he is a  victim of “entitled” Tori and her endless “demands” and that he tried anything and everything to please his wife. But then, after nearly two decades, he realized that Tori was using “their marital problems to stay relevant” and so Deano is dunzo.

My Thought: Tori has never been relevant. And Dean deserves what he gets because he picked her, schtupped her, divorced his wife, married her and then made a bushel of babies.

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The reason for the existence of Maury Povich’s “talk” show was to have people on who f**ked one another, leaving the girl pregnant and wondering if the Baby Daddy was the Baby Daddy. It all boiled down to Maury reading a sheet of paper and announcing, “You are the father,” or “You are not the father,’ and cheers and tears would follow. But, after nearly sixty years … I kid, it only felt like sixty years, Maury got the ax so what is he supposed to do? Well, he’s actually selling at-home paternity tests to so people can test themselves at home.

My Thought: How much will Maury charge to travel to each home for the reveals?

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Snarky Thoughts

Here in America many people think of Canada as that ideal place to live free and easy, but it does have its problems from what I’ve heard; there are violations of the rights of marginalized groups, abuses by Canadian mining companies, and one issue that has pushed why Canadian MP Matt Jeneroux  to the breaking point and filing an “official grievance” with the House of Commons: not a single tour date has been announced for Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour.

My Thought: Free healthcare, low unemployment rates, unusually friendly people and no Taylor Swift? Packing my bags now.

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Are you up for more Kevin Costner divorce drama? I told you last week that the future ex-Missus Costner, Christine Baumgartner, was refusing to move out of the couple’s California Manse despite it being a condition of their pre-nup, and now there’s a new hiccup. It seems that Costner’s ex-tenant—why are multi-millionaire movie stars taking in renters?—tech entrepreneur Daniel Starr might have become a bit too cozy with Christine. A source claims the two “hung out a lot” while Kevin was away filming, and when Kevin got wind of it, he “hit the roof.” Lawyers eventually got involved, and Daniel was forced to move.

My Thought: Unless you really need the extra income to pay off your mansion mortgage, maybe getting a man to rent the guest house and become BFFs with your wife while you’re away isn’t the smartest thing to do.

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Sarah Jessica Parker, clearly reeling from all the press that Kim Cattrall is getting over her upcoming cameo in And Just Like That, has called the press to reflect on her relationship with Robert Downey Jr. She now says that she was “angry and embarrassed” during their romance, which took place amid his struggles with substance abuse because people around him “would be dismissive of me, but I had given him stability and tried to create a steady heartbeat that allowed him to show up on time.”

My Thought: She’s mentioning an old relationship that no one but SJP remembers—they were together from 1984 through 1991 and he didn’t get sober until twelve years after they broke up—just to make herself feel better about her little TV reboot?

PS In 1991 SJP met Matthew Broderick and they were married in 1997 and have three children, but by all means gush about how great you were to Downey Jr.

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Dean McDermott, AKA Mr. Tori Spelling, recently announced his separation from his wife on social media—“It’s with great sadness and a very very heavy heart that after 18 years together and 5 amazing children, that [Tori] and I have decided to go our separate ways, and start a new journey of our own. We will continue to work together as loving parents and guide and love our children through this difficult time.”—and then just as quickly deleted the post. It seemed like another attempt at media whoring their lives but, I dunno, maybe not. Last week McDermott was seen without his wedding ring as he hauled boxes and duffel bags of his things into a Los Angeles-area storage unit. He is said to have looked “morose” that day, wearing sunglasses, distressed jean shorts and a white T-shirt that notably showed off his large tattoo of Spelling. For her part, Tori has remained mum on the split publicity stunt but was seen wearing a “Boys Lie” T-shirt  while McDermott was busy moving his belongings.

My Thought: You live by social media, you will die by social media. And the cynic in me thinks these two fools will try to spin a reality show out of their ruined marriage.

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Snarky Thoughts

For those who remember Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth‘s short-lived marriage you might remember that it never should have happened, other than to give Miley a reason to remind Liam how ALLEGEDLY terrible he was to her in her song Flowers. Still, Miley now says she appreciates the little time they spent together thirteen years ago and admits she would never want to erase any of her former relationships because they made her the woman that she is.

My Thought: And she’s able to capitalize on all her failed relationships years after they end by turning her thirst into tunes.

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Last week, Tori Spelling confessed to her Instagram followers that she and her family have been in a “continual spiral of sickness for months” after being exposed to toxic mold in her rental home. Tori, because she lives her life on social media, posted photos of herself and her five kids at Urgent Care along with a lengthy passage explaining she finally uncovered the problem after an inspection “discovered extreme mold” and that her family “needs help.” 

My Thought: Maybe if you paid your credit card bills you could have afforded to move out of Mold Manor or, at the very least,. Had the situation remediated. Lesson to learn, kids, pay your damn credit card bills.

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Kim Kardastrophe has revealed that even though she’s only passed the “baby bar”—a nickname given to California's First-Year Law Student's Examination, which is not a prerequisite for admission to the Bar—that she plans to take the Big Girl Bar in 2025 and might even give up reality TV and her fake Instagram pictures and photoshopped paparazzi shots permanently.

My Thought: Can someone take the test for her to make sure she passes and then have her sign a legally binding letter promising to stay out of the spotlight and off social media forever?

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Speaking of Thirst Queens who love turning their so-called pain into musical coins, let’s dish for a brief moment on the break-up of Taylor’s six-year relationship with British actor Joe Alwyn. He ALLEGEDLY “feels slighted and is distraught” since the love affair ended and not so much because he misses Swifty, but because it took her about three weeks to find her new love, 1975 frontman Matty Healy.

My Thought: Fret not, Joe, because I imagine in a year or so, or maybe even sooner, you can sing and dance to Swifty’s version of the breakup.

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Snarky Thoughts

Tori Spelling has been seen wearing an eye patch and wandering the streets of LA looking for paparazzi to snap a photo of her, ahem, injury. Now, if you’re like me, you’d think maybe it was a chemical peel too close to the eye, or a Botox overdose, but, no, it’s more Tori than that. Spelling says she has an ulcer on her eyeball from wearing, daily disposable contacts for too long.

My Thought: Tori Spelling doesn’t know what “daily disposable” means. Tori Spelling is dumb.

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Skip Judy Garland! Back Off Babs Streisand! Step Off Springsteen! Adios Madge! According to Ben Affleck, there’s a new “greatest performer in the history of the world,” and it’s his wife, Jennifer Lopez. Yes, Ben shared his completely unasked for opinion on the podcast Smartless, hosted by Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, and Jason Bateman, who Ben worked with on the new Nike movie, Air, and when Jason asked Ben if he knew all of JLo’s music, and Ben replied that, yes, not only does he know all her music, he loves it, and “it’s brilliant.”

My Thought: Alcohol really does affect the brain. And the ears. And the sense of taste. And let me ask you this: isn’t that the face of a man who thinks his wife is the greatest entertainer ever?

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Tom Cruise has stopped sending Brooke Shields a cake each Christmas — but she doesn’t know “what happened.” Shields says that she was “on the list for a while” and “had a good 10-year run” getting the $126 Bundt cake that Cruise sends his famous friends for the holidays. But then Brooke got even shadier, laughing about Cruise cutting his ex-wife Katie Holmes and  daughter, Suri, from his Christmas card.

“It was from them and Suri, so it was the three of them, and then soon it was no Suri and no Katie and just Tom. Then it went from just Tom for a while, but not every holiday. And then the cake stopped.”

Brooke doesn’t believe the change has nothing to do with her and Cruise’s past feud over her postpartum depression medication. In fact, she was a guest at the Cruise-Holmes wedding and her daughter and their daughter had a joint birthday one year.

My Thought: Tom Cruise is a tiny man, in every way possible.

PS Tom erased Suri because she's considered a Suppressive Person in the Cult of $cientology and he can have nothing to do with her.

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Ana Obregón, a 68-year-old Spanish actress has caused a ton of controversy after using her late son’s sperm and a surrogate to give birth to her granddaughter. Last week, Ana was seen outside a Miami hospital holding a newborn baby she named Ana Sandra Lequio Obregón. People assumed the baby was Ana’s daughter and ridiculed her use of a surrogate at her age—surrogacy is actually banned in Spain, where many refer to it as “womb renting.” 

My Thought: What will Baby Ana call Ana Obregón? MamaGrandMama?

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Speaking of escándalo … Steven Tyler is denying allegations that he sexually assaulted a 16-year-old in 1973 and then forced her to get an abortion. Tyler recently filed a lengthy response to the claims, which were made in a December 2022 lawsuit, arguing that Julia Misley, formerly known as Julia Holcomb, consented to their sexual relationship and that he had immunity as her legal guardian at the time. He says her parents liked him so much they made him their child's guardian so he wouldn’t be arrested traveling across state lines with a child.

My thought: He had sex with a sixteen-year-old girl when he was twenty-five but says it was fine because she consented and he was her guardian at the time?

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Let’s talk actor Lukas Gage—The White Lotus season 1, You season 4 and the next season of Fargo—getting engaged to Kim Kardastrophe and JLo’s hairstylist Chris Appleton. Lukas and Chris went Instagram official—that’s how it’s done these days—in February and shortly after that Chris took to the talk show circuit telling Drew Barrymore  that he’s “very happy and very much in love,” while Lukas ran over to Today, saying, “I feel very happy, very lucky and very much in love.” And then just last week the pair went ring shopping together after dating for like a second two seconds.

My Thought: The marriage will take place quickly, so that the divorce can happen right before Emmy season and Luke can use the Red Carpet to talk breakup. Okay, call me a cynic, but don’t forget about other celebrity couples who met at lunch, got engaged over dinner and divorced before the dessert came; think Kim and Kris; Khloe and Lamar; Tom and Katie; Pamela Anderson and almost all of her husbands.

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Snarky Thoughts

Earlier this year actress-model-media whore Julia Fox began dating rapper-media whore Kanye West but after just six weeks of attention-grabbing theatrics, which included an essay about their second date, they broke up. Julia, never one to pass a chance at media attention, is still speaking about the, ahem, “relationship,’ saying it hurt her acting “career” and says she only began dating Kanye to … and this is rich … as in how rich Kanye used to be before going off the deep end again and losing all his contracts … Julia says she dated Kanye to distract him from attacking his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian.

My Thought: Bitch.Please.

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Nick Cannon has done it again. While it was just in September that he and Brittany Bell welcomed his 10th child, this week it was revealed that  Abby De La Rosa just popped out his 11^th and Alyssa Scott is still pregnant with his 12^th, who will likely be arriving next year.

My Thought: Cannon brags about spending millions a year in child support, but how much does he actually see his eleven soon to be twelve, children? If it’s not that much, he's still a deadbeat dad in my book.

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Oh, I am so sad … songbird—and mother to two of Nick Cannon’s spawn—Mariah Carey tried to trademark herself as the ‘Queen of Christmas’ again—the US Trademark Trial and Appeal Board rejected her prior request—and she has been denied again.

My Thought: Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus.

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Now that Gisele Bundchen has traded herself to the single ladies’ team since divorcing Tom Brady, their massive fortune has been split between the two of them. But … a charity they’re both board members on—the Luz Foundation—claims the ex-Mister-and-Missus Brady are actually less than charitable. In fact, these one-percenters ALLEGEDLY took that title quite seriously and gave less than 1% of their combined earnings over the course of twelve years.

My Thought: I’m not surprised, neither one of them comes off as giving.

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Dean McDermott hyped up his “hot wife,” Tori Spelling, by sharing a photo of the “actress” on his Instagram page:

“I mean . . . Holy Smoke Show!!! Hot wife ALERT!!”

McDermott recently dispelled rumors that the two were breaking up after months of speculation that he and Spelling were heading toward a divorce. 

My Thought: I wonder how Tori will feel when she learns that Dean posted a photo of Khloé Kardastrophe?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Dr. Dre and Nicole Young have been fighting over his reported $800 million fortune ever since deciding to split over a year ago. Nicole originally demanded $2 million a month in spousal support but did not get that; instead, she’s walking away with $100 million—an eighth of her husband’s wealth—or $2 million a month for four years.

It sounds good, but I think I’d prefer getting a check for $2,000,000.00 every month and then working really  hard to stretch that out for thirty days, rather than $100,000,000.00 that’s supposed to last for life. Plus, Dre pays $50 million now and $50 million next year and gets to keep all of their seven homes and the rights to his masters, while Nicole gets  4 cars and the jewelry she got while they were married.

I may be wrong, but Nicole got played.

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If you ever, for even the briefest moment, didn’t think Tori Spelling was one of the dumbest people on Earth, think about this … Tori, and her husband-for-now, Dean McDermott and all five of their children have COVID-19.

Apparently, Tori and Dean, who haven’t been spending a lot of time together lately, did manage to get together for the holidays in their Superspreader Home, where they each got COVID, and then the kids also tested positive.

Both Tori and Dean took to Instagram with their tales of woe, and how sick they are, and how bad they feel because their kids got sick and their terrible parents and … I can’t shake the feeling that these too fools are trying to find a way to monetize and televise their entire family coming down with COVID so they can pay off that American Express card debt and then divorce freely with no bills.

They are that dumb, you know.

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Speaking of stupid people … singer Jason Derulo ALLEGEDLY attacked two men in a Las Vegas casino after one of the men shouted, “F**k you, bitch,” and the other dared to call him … wait for it … “Usher.”

Video shows Derulo pouncing on the hecklers at the Aria Resort and Casino while coming off an escalator after someone in the crowd shouts, “Why did you slap him, dawg?” and another voice yells “Hey Usher, **–k you, bitch!”

No one knows if the heckler really thought Derulo was Usher or was making a joke but being called Usher really set Derulo off. He ALLEGEDLY attacked the man who called him “Usher” and wrestled him to the ground as people tried to tear them apart.

It ended with Derulo being taken away in handcuffs though it’s unclear if the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department pressed charges against him. Derulo was, however, removed from the Aria property and ordered not to return.

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Another ALLEGED entertainer being investigated for ALLEGEDLY punching a stranger is one Kanye “Ye” West.

Last Saturday, at around 3AM, Kanye was leaving the private club, Soho Warehouse, in Los Angeles when a fan had the audacity to come near him and request an autograph. The fan claims Kanye cussed him out and then shoved him to the ground. Kanye fled the scene by the time police got there, but a report was filed.

I guess it doesn’t pay to be an Usher fan around Derulo, and it doesn’t pay to be a Ye fan around, well, Ye.

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Are Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas finished? Hard to say, though Priyanka is kinda teasing that news. You see, after several wedding ceremonies, and lots of press coverage, Priyanka Chopra officially changed her name to Priyanka Chopra Jonas.

But now, after using social media to say she and Nick hadn’t seen much of one another for a while, Priyanka Chopra Jonas changed all her social media handles to just Priyanka.

Bitch thinks she’s Cher. Oh Hell No.

Right after the name change the newly minted Just Plain Priyanka gave that interview where she says she and Nick spent most of 2021 apart, but then turned that on its heels when she said … wait for it … this woman shared all her weddings, honeymoon, and everything else on Instagram … that even though she changed her name all over the web, too many people are making something out of what might be nothing:

“It’s a very vulnerable feeling, actually, that if I post a picture, everything that’s behind me in that picture is going to be zoomed in on, and people are going to speculate. Because of the noise of social media, because of the prevalence that it has in our lives, I think it seems a lot larger than it is. I think that we give it a lot more credence in real life, and I don’t think it needs that.”

So says the woman who lives for social media and slyly changed her name to Priyanka Chopra Jonas and then  to Priyanka on social media and now says people pay it too much heed. Know how to make it all stop Just Plain Priyanka? Get off social media and stop talking.

Please.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

File this under: Not Buying It.

Apparently acting driftwood, Kristen Stewart is getting “Oscar buzz” for her performance as Princess Diana in Spencer, but she wants y’all to know she does not “give a shit” about winning an Oscar and added:

“I do not want to seem like an ass, but it’s so embarrassing and so tiring. It is highly political. You have to go talk to people. You feel like you’re a diplomat.”

Funny, though, that Stewart did a Q&A with Academy members after a screening of Spencer.

Yeah, she doesn’t want an Oscar, but, you know, just in case, sign her up to talk to Academy members.

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Well, this had me confused … Tori Spelling, who has a plastic surgeon on speed dial, recently revealed that she’s having breast implant removal surgery.

I mean, I thought Tori and boobs and removed and assumed that meant she was divorcing Dean McDermott. I mean, he’s such a boob, right?

Still, I wonder why it’s taken Tori so long to get her implants removed, and then I realized that with her history of not paying her bills, the surgeon probably demanded she have a credit card on file.

PS Seeing that picture, I wonder if she had the implants moved to her lips.

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I guess Chrissy Teigen’s trying to make she isn’t outdone by the likes of Tori Spelling because this week Teigen, the most bored housewife, revealed she had an eyebrow transplant.

See, Chrissy wanted fuller brows and so she had the transplant, revealing it on Instagram because that’s where she lives:

“I never wear makeup if I can avoid it … [hold for laughter] … so I was so excited for this eyebrow transplant surgery. A little dark from the pencil but its [sic] so cool to have brows again.”

They took hair from the back of Chrissy’s head and shoved them into her face.

Now all she has to worry about if that bald spot on the back of her melon.

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While we wait for the criminal justice system to do something about serial sexual predator and Kevin Spacey, at least the powers-that-be on his old show, House of Cards, have stepped up to punish the perv.

It was announced that Spacey and two of his companies, M. Profitt Productions and Trigger Street Productions, must pay $31 million to the production company behind House of Cards for violating their sexual harassment policy in a judgement that comes after two years of arbitration between Spacey and MRC, the production company.

This is all the result of a 2017 CNN report which detailed that Spacey—star and an executive producer of House of Cards—had created a “toxic” environment by making crude comments and engaging in non-consensual touching of young male staffers, citing eight production sources. Spacey was immediately suspended pending an internal investigation and then fired from the show. And now he has to scrape together 31 million coins.

Good.

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You don’t mess with Adele and her music.

Rumor Has It … see what I did there … that Adele’s newest song, “Go Easy On Me,” was Spotify’s most-listened-to track in a single day. And while that made the star happy, the idea that you can listen to her new album 30 on shuffle, didn’t sit well with her, and so Adele Tweeted:

“We don’t create albums with so much care and thought into our track listing for no reason. Our art tells a story and our stories should be listened to as we intended. Thank you Spotify for listening.”

And quicker than you can say Rollin’ in the Deep the “shuffle” icon no longer appears within the larger “play” icon as it usually does during Album View on Spotify, who Tweeted back to Adele:

“Anything for you.”

To be fair, premium users can still access the shuffling function through the individual track list view … until Adele reads this.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But

Of course, I am not sorry … but Bill Cosby is finding out the hard way that being an ex-con, even a famous, wealthy entitled ex-con, ain’t easy.

Y’all know that Cosby went to prison for ALLEGEDLY drugging and raping Andrea Constand—among many others—but then saw his conviction overturned because the prosecution screwed up. Cosby was released from prison, saying he was innocent, which is an untruth, and instantly set about planning a comedy tour to get his bank account filled up again. But the tour—and try as I might, it won’t be The Rape Isn’t Funny Tour—has been put on hold due to an upcoming civil trial in which Cosby is accused of … wait for it … sexual assault. Again.

It seems Cosby is being sued by Judy Huth who claims he “pounced on her at the Playboy Mansion in the ’70s, when she was just 15.” A trial date has been set for April of 2022 and so Cosby’s spokesperson Andrew Wyatt is saying that “Cosby wants to avoid going on tour for the moment because he doesn’t want this dark cloud hanging over his head … as he seems to think the case would become all the media talks about while he toured.”

Or because he’ll be found guilty … again … and would have to cancel the tour and could be sued by the venues he’d booked.

Easy solution: have Cosby do his act in the cafeteria of whatever prison he ends up in.

Works for me.

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Speaking of sexual abusers on trial, what’s new with R. Kelly?

His defense team has tried every trick in the book to get the myriad of charges against Kelly thrown out and now it’s clear they have reached the bottom of The Excuse Barrel because the newest one is:

“It was the MSG!”

One of Kelly’s many victims, identified only as Sonja, testified that in 2003 that she met R. Kelly in Utah and he invited her to his studio in Chicago. Sonja, who was twenty-one at the time and a radio station intern, chose to go because she thought an exclusive interview with R. Kelly could jump-start her career.

But things went south the moment she arrived. Sonja testified that one of R. Kelly’s employees ALLEGEDLY asked if she needed a condom, to which she replied: “No, I’m not here for that.” That employee also ALLEGEDLY asked for her contact information and had her an NDA to sign along with a set of rules as to how she should behave in R. Kelly’s home—like needing permission to eat or use the bathroom.

Sonja claims she was locked inside a room for three or four days, begging for food. Finally, she was given Chinese food and became sleepy. When she woke up, she saw Kelly “doing up his pants in the corner” and felt “some wet stuff in between my legs.” She says she did not consent to any sexual acts with Kelly and after it was over, she ALLEGEDLY told not to tell anyone about the encounter and did so out of fear since R. Kelly’s people had all her contact information of her closest family and friends.

So, where does the MSG come in? From the myth about Chinese food making you sleepy or sick, and that’s what happened to Sonja, not that she was drugged by Kelly so he could rape her.

It was his fault; it was the Lo Mein.

Seriously.

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Tori Spelling is clearly so desperately for attention that she’s taken a page from Khloé Kardastrophe’s playbook by restructuring her face. Only Tori took it all too literally and restructured her face to look like Khloé’s twin.

Last week she celebrated the wrap of her MTV show Messyness with co-star Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and most folks thought it was Khloé and Snooki doing up the town.

Why? WHY? Well, maybe if Tori starts looking like a Kardastrophe Kris Jenner will mistake her for a long-lost daughter and bring her into the family and all Tori’s money problems will be over!

PS That is "real" Khloé down there.

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Y’all all know 50 Cent is a pig, but he recently became even piggier.

After the ALLEGED drug overdose of The Wire actor Michael K. Williams 30 Cent, AKA Curtis Jackson, posted some emojis of wide-open eyes alongside a screenshot of The New York Post’s report of William’s death with this caption:

“Damn if you didn’t see Raising Kanan check it out that fentanyl is no joke, killing the clientele. R.I.P micheal k Williams.”

Yes, he misspelled the actor’s name, but made sure to follow that with hashtags promoting his line of wine and cognac.

Curtis has had a long feud with Williams about … who cares … but to promote your TV show and businesses on a man’s death is sick, even for Piggy Cent.

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