I Didn't Say It

Matt Damon, honoring George Clooney at the 2022 Kennedy Center Honors:

“It has been said that my friend George Clooney is the last of the true movie stars, so I got to thinking about exactly what that meant. Of course, a number of past Kennedy Center honorees have certainly been movie stars in that classic sense. Actors with class and sophistication—Cary Grant, Henry Fonda, Paul Newman, Gregory Peck. And then I think of George; a man who defected in Richard Kind’s kitty litter box as a joke. A man who once stole Bill Clinton’s stationery and wrote fake notes to actors, saying how much the President loved their movies.”

I love a good practical joke, though I doubt I’d ever take a dump in a litter box, but I’d steal the stationary and write all kinds of fake notes.

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Dolly Parton, on what had kept her marriage going for 56 years:

“We both have a warped sense of humor. And I think humor, honestly, is one of the best things when you’re married like that. Even if you have a problem, if you have a great sense of humor, if you say something you can’t take back [you] usually have some crazy way of getting out of it. We’ve never had, you know, serious arguments to say bad things to each other we have to take back. I like it when people say, ‘How did it last so long?’ I say, ‘I stay going.’ You know, there’s a lot to be said about that. So we’re not in each other’s face all the time. He’s not in the business, so we have different interests, but yet we have the things we love to do together. So it was meant to be, I think. He was the one I was supposed to have and vice versa.”

I swear, this is what I say about Carlos and me; we both have warped senses of humor, and we don’t take things so seriously, and we also have varied interests. Whenever we have an argument, I always start by saying:

“I’m not mad, but here’s why I’m mad.”

Maybe we’ll last as long as Dolly and Carl.

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Josh Hawley, GOP Senator, January 6th Chicken, and self-described masculinity expert:

“The liberal culture, what the message to young people is, the most you can aspire to in life is to be a consumer who sits in a cubicle in front of a computer all day and doesn’t ask questions or do anything meaningful with your life. What we need to say to young men—and young women too—is just the opposite. Aspire to be something more than a consumer, and for young men, aspire to be something more than a consumer of pornography. Aspire to actually create something of your life, like, create a family for instance. That is the single greatest act of rebellion—if you like—against the liberal culture.”

I dunno, every time I hear a Republican accuse a liberal of something, it’s always the Republican doing that same thing.

Leads me to think that Joshie likes himself from porn and so if he tells you it’s bad you’ll never think he sits in a dark room in his house choking Little Josh for hours on end.

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Mike Lindell, the Pillow Loon, aiming at a new target:

“What we’re doing now is, I’m going after Dade County in the 2022 election. And everyone says, ‘Well, why would you go after Dade County? This is where Ron DeSantis won Dade County, that’s a Republican won Dade County. Well, for me, I look at deviations, everybody. That’s a deviation. I don’t believe it. So I want to show, it’s gonna show everybody just like we always say about Democrats where they stole their elections. Because that was historical, normally Republicans don’t win that county. I want to find out in Dade County, what happened there because it’s, it’s a deviation from norm, you know, it’s very much a deviation.”

Bitch should stick to pillows because his statement is nonsensical, other than that he thinks if he proves DeSantis cheated to win in Dade County, then DeSantis won’t run against Hair Furor in 2024.

Of course, though, Mike Lindell is the biggest moron on the political scene so I doubt this little theory will go anywhere either.

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Adam Kinzinger, retiring Republican Congressman, in his House farewell speech

“Our democracy is not functioning. Where Republicans once believed that limited government meant lower taxes and more autonomy, today limited government means inciting violence against government officials. Following the tragic Oklahoma City bombing, former President George H. W. Bush publicly refuted those who used fear to gain support. In stark contrast, our leaders today belittle, and in some cases justify, attacks on the U.S. Capitol as ‘legitimate political discourse.’ The once great party of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Reagan has turned its back on the ideals of liberty and self-governance. Instead, it has embraced lies and deceit. The Republican Party used to believe in a big tent, which welcomed the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Now we shelter the ignorant, the racists, who only stoke anger and hatred to those that are different than us. Our constituents voted us in based on our beliefs, but we cannot use our faith as a sword and a shield while ignoring the fact we are all children of God, that we are all Americans … Americans deserve a democracy that values truthful leaders and real dialogue between our parties. It is my belief that we must put aside our differences and remember that the nation itself will only survive if the people have faith in one another. Unfortunately, we now live in a world where lies trump truth. Where democracy is being challenged by authoritarianism. If we, America’s elected leaders, do not search within ourselves for a way out, I fear that this great experiment will fall into the ash heap of history. I can rest at night knowing I was standing up for the truth [but] I know many in this institution cannot do the same.”

Snap. I know many in the GOP didn’t hear him because their heads are too filled with lies and the quest for power at any and all costs.

It’s a shame that the GOP, and the Democratic party as well, didn’t have more Adam Kinzinger's in their midst.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

The No Ring is a thing again. This week media whore Kim Kardastrophe went out and was photographed :::gasp::: without her wedding ring, signaling that maybe she and Krazy Kanye were finished.

Who cares, but … then Matt Damon was photographed without his wedding ring on for the second time in a week.

Matt has been married to Luciana Barroso  since 2005, but lately Matt has been hanging out in LA with BFF, and soon-to-be-divorced, Ben Affleck and photographed twice sans band. But is it a signal of divorce, or is it a signal that we’re in the middle of a pandemic and washing our hands a hundred times a day and sometimes we forget to put the band back on … ?

Here’s my take … Kim Kardastrophe is photographed without a ring so people will keep talking about her, while Matt gets photographed without his ring because he left it on the bathroom sink.

Media whore or human person.

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Khloé Kardastrophe is at it again.

After years of changing her face so she looks like Beyoncé or Mariah or, well, anyone but herself, she recently posted a new photo to Instagram where she looks almost exactly like … half-sister Kendall Jenner.

That’s Khloé-dall on the left and Kendall on the right. Now, I have no issue with anyone having a little Bo or a peel or a nip or a tuck, but when you change your face so completely that you look more like other people than yourself, maybe you need a rethink.

Of course, if you’re a Kardastrophe, it’s all about the attention, so …

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My BFF—mostly because she loathes GOOP as much as me—Martha Stewart recently got her COVID-19 vaccine, normally reserved for front line workers and essential-type people, and the internet tried to drag her saying she pushed her way to the front of the line.

It all started when Martha posted that picture to her Instagram account, saying that she was given the COVID vaccine in an inoculation pod at the Martha Stewart Center for Living at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan. But … Martha didn’t use her wealth to skip the line, she used another number … her age.

Bitch is 79, so she got the shot and y’all can get off her jock.

Now, when Paltrow gets hers …

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Um, I may have spoken too soon before, and then had to retract, so I say this with a bit of hesitation … it appears to be over, again, for My-Husband-In-My-Head, Luke Evans and boyfriend Rafael Olarra. He told the UK Times:

“It is what it is.”

But he did not elaborate on the cause of the breakup, but again, if he needs some comfort, I’m here.

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I used to like Anne Hathaway, but somewhere about the time she campaigned and begged and pleaded for an Oscar because she say a song in Les Misérables, I kinda thought she was over,

But that was then, and this is now, and now she’s really over.

Hathaway appeared on The Tonight Show recently and told Jimmy Fallon to call her Annie, instead of Anne. But it wasn’t a ‘Hey, we’re friends, call me Annie,’ because Anne Hathaway says her name has always been Annie.

Anne, sorry gurl, said that when she first started acting at 14, she needed to confirm her name for her SAG membership, and went with “Anne Hathaway” because it’s the name listed on her birth certificate … meaning it’s her name. But she says that everyone calls her Annie and hearing folks say Anne is too formal and impersonal.

Too formal and impersonal? For the last twenty-four years? She then added that only her mother calls her Anne … um, because it’s the name she gave you … and that on film sets, people will call her anything but Anne, like Annie, Miss H, or Hath.

Oh Anne, you’re just so precious to have, at age 38, decided you want to be known as Annie. And that little orphan, and the one that got her gun, were here first.

Okurrrrrrr, Anne?

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Don’t mess with Lucy.

But Aaron Sorkin is apparently making a film about Lucy and Desi called Being the Ricardo’s. And in the running for Desi is Javier Bardem, and intalks to play Lucy is Nicole Kidman.

Nicole what? Social media went nuts because no one, and I mean no one,  should be playing Lucille Ball except that powerhouse actress, that multi-award-winning actress of stage and screen … and TV … Debra Messing.

Yes, from Will & Grace.

The film is set during one production week of I Love Lucy—Monday table read through Friday audience filming—when Lucy and Desi face a crisis that could end their careers and another that could end their marriage. Originally, Sorkin was simply going to write the script, but then Cate Blanchett thought she should be Lucy and he decided he wanted to direct. But then Cate was out, and Javier and Nicki K said they were interested.

I love me some Kidman, and Javier is kinda delicious, but as Lucy and Ricky?

Cue Debra Messing and the internet, where people wondered TVs second favorite redhead shouldn’t be playing TVs first famous redhead. Rumors swirled that Messing, whose career is en feugo … I kid … was not available, and Messing, who does love to Tweet, instantly replied:

“Oh no, I’m available.”

Except … again … Variety reported that Messing had stated she would not do it:

“Like 15 years ago people would say, ‘Hey, do you want to do like a made for TV movie or something?’ And I always felt like, ‘Oh, I would not even touch that. Like she is untouchable.’"

And now Messing says:

“Ummmmmm, I changed my mind.”

Sorry, Deb, no change-sies, and, um, yeah, Nicole? One other actress, Frances Fisher, joined the fray and Tweeted out this photo of herself:

Sorry other ladies whose names I have now forgotten. Looks like we’ve found our Lucy … though as I said at the top … Don’t mess with Lucy!

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It's Snarkurday!

Anyone who watches The Real Housewives of New York knows that former besties Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel had a huge falling out in 2010 and stopped speaking. But this week, when Jill’s husband, Bobby Zarin, passed away, it looked like the fences would be mended.

On camera, at least.

Frankel was in Aspen when she learned of Bobby’s death and chartered a private jet to whisk her back to New York for the funeral, and she arrived just before the start of the ceremony. But Bethenny wasn’t alone; no, she had an entire camera crew from RHoNY following her … at … a … funeral. And even more pathetic, is that Jill Zarin knew they’d be filming at Bobby’s funeral and she was fine with it.

And, naturally, Bethenny Tweeted a photo of she and Jill holding hands:

“Today is a sad day with a silver lining. I laughed. I cried. I saw old faces & watched a family come together surrounding a loss. ‘I have a dream’ that Bobby’s death makes us realize what is important & treat each day as our last.”

Wow, she co-opted Martin Luther King.

Reality stars, like Frankel, and former reality stars like Jill, have zero shame.

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Oops; fashion photographers Bruce Weber and Mario Testino stand accused to sexual harassment of male models.

Last month, a male model named Jason Boyce sued Bruce Weber for ALLEGEDLY sexual harassing him during a photo shoot in 2014.  Since then, fifteen more models have come forward claiming Weber of asking them to join him in private clothing-free “breathing exercises” in which he would ALLEGEDLY guide their hands over his body and vice-versa.

Now, Mario Testino also stands accused of inappropriate behavior by thirteen male assistants and models going back as far as the mid-90s; accusations included subjecting them to unwanted sexual advances, groping, and masturbation. Two former Gucci models claim it was well-known that if you wanted to advance your career, you met with Mario for a nude shoot at the Chateau Marmont.

Weber released a statement:

“I’m completely shocked and saddened by the outrageous claims being made against me, which I absolutely deny.”

Testino’s lawyers also questioned the credibility of the models. You know, blame the victim.

Luckily, many in the fashion industry believe the models and have kicked Weber and Testino to the curb. In fact, brands Michael Kors and Stuart Weitzman both said they will not to work on future campaigns with Mario Testino, while Ralph Lauren, who frequently works with Bruce Weber, announced that they will not do business with anyone who “behaves in a way that compromises” their commitment to a safe work environment.

But best of all is that Anna “Nuclear” Wintour issued a statement denouncing sexual harassment and assault in the fashion world, and announcing Condé Nast would no longer be working with Mario Testino or Bruce Weber.

They pissed off Anna?

Bye Felicias!

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More sexual harassment stories? Matt Damon.

No, he hasn’t been accused by anyone, but when the stories and stories and stories began to break, Matt kinda wished these women wouldn’t talk so much about it.

Now Matt has had a change of tune … and when he was asked what he learned from the whole mess, he said:

“I really wish I’d listened a lot more before I weighed in on this. I think ultimately what it is for me is that I don’t want to further anybody’s pain. With anything that I do or say, so for that I’m really sorry.”

And then he added:

“I should get in the back seat and close my mouth for a while.”

Good on Matt for learning.

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Last week we learned that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for ten days of reshoots for All the Money in the World while co-star Michelle Williams earned about a $1,000.

Michelle did the reshoots because she believed in the movie, because she didn’t want to be a nuisance, and because she wanted to “fix” the film after Ridley Scott decided to edit Kevin Spacey out.

Wahlberg just wanted more money and threatened to not do the reshoots if the coins weren’t served up to him; he didn’t care if the movie was saved, he didn’t care about Plummer’s recasting or any of that.

It was cash.

And when it was revealed that Wahlberg’s talent agency is the same agency that represents Williams, and that they screwed her over in favor of MarkyMark, suddenly Wahlberg looked like a greedy self-serving ass…because he is.

And so, after a week of people calling him a douchebag, Wahlberg announced he donate the$1.5 million to Time’s Up.

Oh, Mark, let’s all clap you on the back for doing the right thing, but not because you wanted to do the right thing, but because you were shamed into doing it.

Siddown.

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Selena Gomez’s mom loves to talk and kinda loves throwing her daughter under the bus:

Case in point: Selena recently worked with sexual pervert Woody Allen and when Selena’s mom, Mandy, was asked about that: 

“No one can make Selena do anything she doesn’t want to. I had a long talk with her about not working with [Woody Allen] and it didn’t click… She makes all her own decisions. No matter how hard you try to advise. It falls on deaf ears.”

Well, now Selena and her team want you to know that she donated her salary from the film to Time’s Up, okurrrrr?

After Timothée Chalamet and Rebecca Hall pledged to donate their salaries from Allen’s A Rainy Day in New York to Time’s Up, some fans criticized Gomez for not following suit, and so Gomez, who has yet to make a similar public stand against Allen, had a “source” announce that she “made a significant donation anonymously” to the Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund that “far exceeded her salary for the film.”

Wait. What. She donated anonymously and then released a statement saying she donated?

Selena is trying to have it both ways – she wants to work on Woody Allen films, but not have to explain why she’s working with an accused predator, and then, of all the nerve, she wants to give herself credit for her anonymous, large donation to Time’s Up.

Bitch. Please.

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A little over three months ago, Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly’s NBC show and threw a shade face at the host for asking about her plastic surgery.

This week, Jane was on the second hour of Today with Lily Tomlin when she clocked Megyn who wasn’t even there!

Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie interviewed Jane and Lily Tomlin about the third season of Grace and Frankie and when Hoda brought up their friendship and wondered how long they had known one another, Lily looked at Jane and said:

“Oh my God… Before your first facelift.”

Jane snapped back:

“Who are you, Megyn Kelly?”

Lily countered:

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot she was the one!”

Both Hoda and Savannah tried to keep from laughing because Megyn Kelly was clearly nearby.

Still, good on Jane and Lily.

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It's Snarkurday!

Recently Jessica Chastain revealed that a big named actor told her to stop Tweeting about the sex scandals in Hollywood and the #MeToo movement. People speculated that it was everyone from Matthew McConaughey to Idris Elba to Matt Damon.

I thought, Damon? No way, but now … Minnie Driver, who dated Damon during and shortly after appearing together in Good Will Hunting—note: Damon broke up with her when he told Oprah on her show that he didn’t have a girlfriend which was news to his girlfriend, Minnie—read Damon’s latest mansplaining of how the world works and had a few choice words for her him.

It seems during an upcoming interview for ABC with film critic Peter Travers, Matt thought it best to explain that some kinds of sexual harassment aren’t as bad as others:

“I think it’s wonderful that women are feeling empowered to tell their stories and it’s totally necessary. I do believe there’s a spectrum of behavior… There’s a difference between patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation, right? Both of those behaviors need to be confronted and eradicated without question, but they shouldn’t be conflated.”

Well, Minnie read Matt’s interview and took to The Twitter, with a link to Damon’s interview:

“Good God, SERIOUSLY?”

And then she added:

“Gosh it’s so *interesting how men with all these opinions about women’s differentiation between sexual misconduct, assault and rape reveal themselves to be utterly tone deaf and as a result, systemically part of the problem (*profoundly unsurprising)”

Good for Minnie, because, um, Matt? I like you, I do—though you aren’t Husband In My Head material—but any form of sexual harassment, from verbal to a pat on the ass to groping to rape is unacceptable, m’kay?

I believe you have daughters, so I’m sure if they told you about a man in a powerful position, their boss, or co-workers, grabbing their ass, you wouldn’t tell them it’s all relative. Would you?

Sit down, please, and don’t speak for women again.

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Well, y’all remember that Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned was dragged from the White House last week and she instantly ran to the media to tell sell her story.

And the media wasn’t having it, as when Robin Roberts listened to Omarosa and then said, “Well, she has a story to sell. Bye Felicia.”

And that also set Omarosa off, and so she went back to the media to whine about it, and told Inside Edition what she thought of Robin’s farewell bid:

“That was petty. It’s a black woman civil war.”

Petty; from the woman who made a career of petty during her career on reality TV.

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With the #MeToo movement having a seemingly endless supply of sexual predators to out, it’s not going anywhere. But one ALLEGED sexual harasser, Russell Simmons, started his own hashtag movement in an effort to deflect from the allegations leveled at him.

Hence the #NotMe movement, and this statement from Simmons:

“Today, I begin to properly defend myself. I will prove without any doubt that I am innocent of all rape charges. Today, I will focus on “The Original Sin” (Keri Claussen), the claim that created this insane pile on of my #MeToo. Stay tuned! We’ll share information today… And tomorrow the case of Jenny Lumet. My intention is not to diminish the #MeToo movement in anyway, but instead hold my accusers accountable. #NotMe Again, this is not a movement against or even in conjunction with #Metoo . It’s just a statement about my innocence.”

Trouble is, some women saw the emerging #NotMe mess and decided that they’d stayed silent long enough. And so that’s when former America’s Next Top Model judge Kelly Cutrone revealed her story about the time Russell tried to rape her in 1991, saying:

“The #NotMe thing? I’m going to do a #YeahYou. F**k you.”

Kelly says she and Simmons were walking to a party together; he’d asked her to stop by his apartment earlier in the evening, but she declined. As they walked, he said he needed to stop in at a friend’s place and when they got in the door—of an apartment she now thinks was his—he pushed her to the ground and tried to take her clothes off. She kicked and screamed and threatened to have him murdered and finally escaped, but stayed silent for reasons which are her own until Simmons started #NotMe.

Today she says of Simmons, an avid yogi:

“I hope he chokes on his om pendant.”

Brava! #YeahYou

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Last summer Beyoncé had to pull out of Coachella because she was “pregnant” and with no such excuse this year the show will go on.

But for anyone who wants a Destiny’s Child reunion, child please. Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams won’t be on the guest list, nor will any of Destiny’s former children, like LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett, because Beyoncé is about Beyoncé, and nothing more.

Still, the Beyhive is saying there are all kinds of clues on social media that there will be some massive reunion and they will not let it go.

Until it happens and then they act like they knew all along, lest they piss off Bey.

Again, if it’s not all about Beyoncé it’s not happening.

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Well, Track Palin, the spawn of Mama Grizzly Bore™, has been arrested on domestic violence charges … again.

 Track was arraigned on three counts: felony burglary, misdemeanor reckless assault and misdemeanor criminal mischief for causing up to $500 in property damage; each charge was related to domestic violence.

A source close to the situation—and you know it’s Blister because she’s been out of the news lately—says Track was breaking and entering into his parent’s home where he beat up his daddy, Todd, before Todd and the MGB™ fled the scene in two different cars.

The Palins, America’s white trashiest family.

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Oh, if only this applied to her entire life … 

The New York Daily News is reporting that Mariah Carey has contractually agreed to stay “positively silent” about ex-fiancé James Packer after he paid her millions of dollars in settlement when they engagement ended.

Like I said, if only this applied to her entire life.

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I am no fan of Mira Sorvino, but even she didn’t deserve this …

 Back in October. Mira told The New Yorker that in 1995 Harvey Weinstein tried pursuing her while promoting Mighty Aphrodite and that because she said ‘No! A thousand times No’ her career instantly stalled. Weinstein responded by saying that there were “never any acts of retaliation against any women for refusing his advances.”

Well, that might be a lie, because directors Peter Jackson and Terry Zwigoff both claim that Harvey Weinstein actively encouraged them not to work with Mira Sorvino. In fact, Peter Jackson, who calls Harvey and Bob Weinstein “second-rate Mafia bullies”, says the two ALLEGEDLY orchestrated a “smear campaign” against both Sorvino and fellow Weinstein-accuser Ashley Judd.

Jackson says he met with the Weinstein’s in the late 90s to pitch the Lord of  the Rings and The Hobbit films, and expressed interest in casting Mira and Ashley in one or more of the films, but says Harvey and Bob told him that both Mira and Ashley were a “nightmare” to work with, and that he should “avoid them at all costs.”

Jackson was kind of disgusted by the conversation and, instead of dealing with Weinstein and Miramax to release the films, he took the project to New Line Cinema, though he did not hire Sorvino or Judd. Jackson says he then chose to never work with the Weinstein’s again.

Director Terry Zwigoff backs up Jackson’s story with one of his own; he says he considered casting Sorvino in 2003s Bad Santa, which was being made by Dimension, a division of The Weinstein Company, but every time he brought up Mira’s name over the phone the Weinstein’s hung up on him:

“I was interested in casting Mira Sorvino in BAD SANTA, but every time I mentioned her over the phone to the Weinstein’s, I'd hear a CLICK. What type of person just hangs up on you like that?! I guess we all know what type of person now. I'm really sorry Mira.”

The Weinstein Boys, Harvey’s the pig and Bob’s the pig who covered for the pig while it was convenient.

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Speaking of pigs… after decades of unchecked sexual harassment stories broke last week, chef Mario Batali has been fired from The Chew, The Food Network has put the kibosh on a planned Malto Mario reboot, and Batali has stepped down from day to day operations at the 26 restaurants he co-owns.

Clearly, folks are done with Batali so what does he do? Mario, who has already publicly apologized for his behavior, decided to apologize again in a newsletter:

“As many of you know, this week there has been some news coverage about some of my past behavior.

I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, my family, my fans and my team. My behavior was wrong and there are no excuses. I take full responsibility.

Sharing the joys of Italian food, tradition and hospitality with all of you, each week, is an honor and privilege. Without the support of all of you — my fans — I would never have a forum in which to expound on this. 

I will work every day to regain your respect and trust.

Ps. in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, these Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favorite.”

Yes, after apologizing for sexually harassing and assaulting women, he included a recipe.

I think they should call them To Catch A Predator Cinnamon Buns!

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Uh oh, blame it on The Biebs?

Selena Gomez's mother, Mandy, was hospitalized after a "heated” conversation with her daughter over Selena’s ALLEGED rekindling of her relationship with Justin Bieber.

Sources—and it’s probably Justin—say Mandy had a shouting match with Selena about the reunion, and when Selena said she and The Biebs were in couple’s therapy, Mandy flipped. A fight ensued, police were called, and Mandy was "voluntarily" transported to a hospital for treatment.

Like I said, blame it on The Biebs when mother’s try to verbally beat their daughters who go back to dating the pipsqueak.

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Just A Thought

I Didn't Say It ...

Matt Damon, on _____’s ego:

“The deal was that if you wanted to shoot in one of his buildings, you had to write him in a part. [Director] Martin Brest had to write something in Scent of a Woman—and the whole crew was in on it. You have to waste an hour of your day with a bullshit shot: Donald Trump walks in and Al Pacino’s like, ‘Hello, Mr. Trump!’—you had to call him by name—and then he exits. You waste a little time so that you can get the permit, and then you can cut the scene out. But I guess in Home Alone 2 they left it in.”

If I were a filmmaker and _____ said I could use his property only if I put him in the film, I’d kindly turn and walk away.

Still, I imagine the number of cutting room floors he’s been found on is high-larious.

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Richard Spencer, newly confirmed Secretary of the Navy on _____’s transgender ban:

“We will process and take direction of a policy that is developed by the [Defense] secretary [with] direction from the president and march out smartly, [but] on a fundamental basis, any patriot that wants to serve and meets all the requirements should be able to serve in our military.”

I tend to put my faith in the men and women of the military and not the draft dodging little pissant in the White House.

But that’s just me.

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Joe Scarborough, of MSNBC’s Morning Joe, suggesting _____ is being blackmailed by Putin:

“Donald Trump, at some point in his life, has insulted everybody around him in the harshest of terms, including his own children, [but] there is only one exception to Trump’s bullying and belligerence. The only person that I certainly can think of that he has never insulted, that he has never attacked is Vladimir Putin, which, again, raises the question, and I will ask it again on TV: What does Vladimir Putin have on Donald Trump? Because whatever it is, it must be extraordinary.”

I doubt we’ll ever know, but just the suspicion should be enough to impeach.

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Kellyanne Conway, Minister of Propaganda, on Fox & Friends—because she knows that’s all her boss watches—kissing his ass:

“The president and first lady felt compelled to donate $1 million of their own money. They felt compelled to visit [Texas] twice, to really spend the time yesterday, engage people, look them in the eye. This is the Donald Trump that so many of us know and are privileged to work with and to know very close and personal. People are saying he missed an opportunity to unify the country. They are doing exactly that here. And also meeting their needs of food, water, and shelter at the same time.”

Have we seen the check?

Oh, and um, Kellyanne, you dumb bitch; they felt “compelled”? That’s what presidents do, you moron, they visit areas of the country that have been devastated.

And how does a man who says Mexicans are murderers, Muslims are terrorists, says trans Americans are unfit to serve, calls Nazis good people, unify any country?

Don’t answer; you can’t, your lips are glued to the Bigot-In-Chief’s sphincter.

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Joel Osteen, the so-called “Good Christian” who didn’t open the doors of his Houston mega-church to help flood victims until after Twitter shamed him, saying God would “pay back” victims for what they lost:

“We’re not going to understand everything that happens, but having a ‘poor old me’ mentality or ‘look what I lost’ or ‘why did this happen,’ you know that’s just going to pull you down. God won’t allow it unless he has a purpose for it. We may not see it at the time, but that’s what faith is all about. The reason it may seem like God is not waking up is not because he’s ignoring you, not because he’s uninterested, it’s because he knows you can handle it. Take it as a compliment.”

Sounds like Joel is making an excuse for why he ignored the flood victims and sat in his mansion while they suffered.

Ass.

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Colton Haynes, openly gay actor, on Hollywood  discriminating against openly gay actors:

“Hollywood is so fucked up. So much of the focus is on your personal life & has nothing to do with the talent you have to bring to the table…Thank god for Ryan Murphy, Greg Berlanti, & Jeff Davis. They believe gay actors are more than just their personal lives…So disappointed in how Hollywood can’t understand that playing a character has nothing to do with how u live your personal life.”

It’s funny, because they don’t ask straight actors about their sex lives, and yet they bestow award after award on any straight actor who plays gay, like it’s some amazing feat to play a human being of a differing sexual orientation.

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John McCain, all out of f**ks, on _____:

“We can fight like hell for our ideas to prevail. But we have to respect each other or at least respect the fact that we need each other. That has never been truer than today, when Congress must govern with a president who has no experience of public office, is often poorly informed and can be impulsive in his speech and conduct. We must respect his authority and constitutional responsibilities. We must, where we can, cooperate with him. But we are not his subordinates. We don’t answer to him. We answer to the American people. We must be diligent in discharging our responsibility to serve as a check on his power. And we should value our identity as members of Congress more than our partisan affiliation.”

Too bad he wasn’t this strongly anti-_____ when the buffoon was running for office, but, still, it’s nice to see a Republican stand up against the Bigot-In-Chief.

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