It's Snarkurday!

Trouble at Casa de Lohan? Well, maybe so after Lindsey Lohan lashed out at her mom, Dina, in a since deleted Instagram post which read:

“@dinalohan … Sometimes it sucks when your mom isn’t there for you.”

And the accompanying photo of a woman dropping a cell phone with the words “We’re done” written across it.

Perhaps this is all due to Lindsay’s latest public kerfuffle at VBar in Greenwich Village last month when the “actress” — I know, it’s still funny … “actress’ — ALLEGEDLY spewed racist remarks to a bartender right before spitting in his face.

Look, maybe it went down like this, Lindsay went nuts at a bar — how big of a stretch is that? — and then she called her mom to fix it all for her, but Dina had already crawled into a box of Chardonnay for the night — how big of a stretch is that?

Dina and Lindsay will be fine, and will be up and partying and brawling and stealing and slurring and lying again real soon.

Last week the Broadway show “A View From the Bridge” was halted suddenly when a male audience member LITERALLY fainted at the sight of actor Russell Tovey taking off his shirt.

Seriously. A call went out for a doctor in the house, and three audience members tended to the unidentified man until EMTs arrived to take him to a nearby hospital.

The next day Tovey received a Tweet from the faint-hearted audience member apologizing if he “disturbed the performance.”

Mama always told me to apologize when I faint at the sight of a hot man.

Diva-fight! Diva-fight! Diva-fight!

As you might recall, back in December Patti LaBelle made a Sweet Potato Pie that broke the Internet after someone posted a video praising Patti’s, um, Pie. People went crazy and stripped every single Wal-Mart shelf bare just to get one.

And that ALLEGEDLY didn’t sit well with Aretha Franklin because now she’s launched a yet-to-be titled food line of her own that features Aretha’s chili, gumbo and baked chicken along with desserts … like, maybe, a Sweet Tater pie? Aretha told Detroit’s Channel 4 that while she hasn’t personally tasted Patti’s, um, pies, that:

“Ms. Patti’s gonna have to move that pie to the side!” 

Oh, the shade of it all. Now, she’ll staunchly deny any issues with Patti — which is good lest Lady Marmalade come after you with a water bottle — but all Aretha needs to find her chili recipe and do just that.

Leave the pies to Patti. Don’t start Pie Wars! Not again!

Rob Kardastrophe’s new piece — who is the old piece of Rob’s half-sister’s new piece — Blac Chyna was arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport after ALLEGEDLY causing a drunken scene on a flight from LA.

It seems Blac Chyna — real name Angela Renee White — was headed over to London and had a layover in Austin, but was, again ALLEGEDLY, such a booze-addled mess on the flight that the crew called the police who waited at the gate for Blac to appear.

When Blac Chyna got off the plane, she called an airline employee a “nasty bitch” and tried to make a mad dash for her connecting flight but the police nabbed her, cuffed her, and arrested her and found she had 1 gram of, um, something on her and so they added drug possession to the charges.

And so Rob Kardastrophe made his own mad dash to Austin to bail out his girl, but the kicker is that he drove to Austin. Isn’t he still a Kardastrophe? So why did he drive?

Couldn’t he have trampolined off’a Kim’s ass or couldn’t he have asked That Woman to borrow her broom?

Bobby Flay’s love life is as messy as a Top Chef Kitchen after a Quickfire, and it appears the chances of it getting messier are improving.

Since Stephanie March divorced Flay, he is now back on the market and since messy people attract other messy people, he is ALLEGEDLY dating Chelsea Handler.

I know. When this thing implodes — and it will because Flay ALLEGEDLY cannot keep it in his pants — there will be a Handler explosion so loud … and followed by a new Handler streaming special, Flaying Flay.

And speaking of messy relationships … Chris Brown and his baby mama, Nia Guzman, are battling it out again.

It all began when Nia announced that their daughter Royalty has asthma and then accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed — You.Don’t.Say — and cigarettes more than their child and is constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke, so now she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.

Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to do; she is also, coincidentally, asking for more coins, and wants her child support raised from $2500 a month to $16,000 a month. And this isn't the first time Nia’s gone to court to use her child to score a payday; last summer she also argued for an increase of $12,500 a month but was dee-nied.

Chris, who wants to keep his coins for weed and smokes … ALLEGEDLY … released a statement of his own on Instagram, of course, which has since been yanked down, naturally, in which he says he quit smoking “cigarettes” on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter.

Notice he didn’t mention the weed? Uh huh.

I have some advice for Chris: lay off the weed and the smokes and get your life together because you have a child, a daughter, and do you want her growing up and ending up like you?

I also have advice for Nia: if you want more coins quit coming up with these sad sack requests; simply tell the judge that Royalty has Chris Brown for a father and the vault will open.

I’m not surprised that Taylor Swift has a private plane … she probably can’t poo on a commercial flight … but I am stunned to hear that she has two private planes … one for flying, and one that follows behind and lands whenever Tay Tay has to poo.

Or something. And I’m not surprised that she is ALLEGED to have outfitted her aircraft with cashmere seat covers and a massage table and a high-altitude attitude with lots of demands for the minions who cart her around … according to a source—and it could be Lohan who’s taken a job as a flight-attendant:

“Taylor seems to make demands just for the sake of it. She insists her napkins and forks are at perfect 90-degree angles, one inch from the plate. The staff will do everything they can to ensure they have the exact foods she’s requested, but then she’ll change her mind after takeoff and it’s too late.”

Unless that second plane following behind is also carrying some extra food in case Little Miss Sunshine opts for Chicken Fingers instead of Spaghetti-O’s.

I always assumed Beyoncé’s management team was a CIA Black-Ops group, or perhaps Seal Team Six who only spoke on burner phones from a dark alley in Calcutta, or surfaced on the Dark Net to communicate with Her majesty, but apparently not because Beyoncé has announced that she has fired her entire management team … all real people, all on the unemployment line now.

Beyoncé has given the boot to her manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to someone called Steve Pamon; she even gave the heave-ho to her own cousin, AKA her Executive Weave-And-Wind-Machine-ologist, and to the team of eighty-five men and women who had one job and one job only: Photoshop her thighs.

Beyoncé basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, and hired fresh so she can surround herself with people who will take her to the next level … meaning fatter paychecks, bigger hair, smaller outfits, hurricane wind machines … bit no real new music or talent.

A newly-hired Beyoncé rep commented on Beyoncé’s mass firing:

“Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”

Repositioned? Going from manager to nail girl?

And who was reawakened? The vampire who owns Beyoncé’s soul?

It's Snarkurday!

It must be Break-up Season — you know, break-up before the holidays so you don’t have to buy that ‘Special Someone’ a gift — because there are a lotta splits a’happening …

Let’s back it up a few months …

In September, we learned that Gotham star Morena Baccarin had left her husband, Austin Chick, and was banging her Gotham co-star Ben McKenzie when they made Couple Debut at the Emmy after-parties.

And we know they were banging because a day later we learned that Morena was pregnant … by a few months … with Ben’s child … which means they were banging back in July while she was still married to her husband and the father of her other child. Chick says he and Morena were still living together during the summer and working on their marriage, when Ben knocked her up; Morena, naturally, disagrees.

But, it’s all messy and sordid and apparently the courts agree with Chick because Morena has been ordered to pay Chick a lotta coins … some $23,000 a month, or … $2,693 in child support for their son Julius, and $20,249 for spousal support.

That’s 275K a year, proving that it doesn’t pay to bang a co-star while you’re still married, Morena.

In other break-ups … it appears that Kate Beckinsale’s husband, director Len Wiseman, has been spotted out-and-about with a 20-something jump-off, “model” CJ Franco, while Beckinsale is away, working, in Prague. And he’s doing the Not Wearing His Wedding Ring routine, too.

Now folks are saying that Kate and Len’s marriage was over months ago, though at that time, they weren’t telling anyone … according to sources … and it could’a been Lohan because maybe Len has dated hookers.

Of course, this shouldn’t be a surprise. Wiseman was the director of one of those Underworld movies that Kate makes, and no one sees, and when she worked with him years ago she got a job for her then-boyfriend, Michael Sheen, in the movie. Trouble was, by the time filming ended Kate and Len were together and Michael was out of the picture.

So, this is nothing new for Len, really.

Say it isn’t so! America’s Royal Couple … I kid … Kylie Jenner and Tyga are over too??!?!

Where are my smelling salts? Oh, wait, maybe it was just an attempt at some attention; she’s a Kardastrophe, you know, and if they go ten minutes without seeing their names in print That Woman starts charging them … or charging at them, nostrils flaring.

But then, a mere 48 hours after it was announced that Kim2.0 had dumped her boyfriend, she posted a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.”

But do we chill? Or do we wonder why Kylie was spotted leaving a club with ASAP Rocky last week? Uh huh … cue That Woman, who is spinning it that ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance because nothing screams Relationship Counselor like ASAP Rocky and Kylie Jenner Nightclub.

Either way, Tyga will still be getting coins for E! for appearing on Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes and the breakup will occur as a season finale … just like Mama planned.

Let’s take a breather from the break-ups and talk about One Direction.

In Who’s The Bigger Diva news, the award this week goes to the boy band who ALLEGEDLY had Grace Jones bumped from The Jonathan Ross Show.

The episode was supposed to feature the boys and Grace together, but those petty little divas were afraid Grace would “overshadow” their appearance so they asked that maybe she not be allowed to share a stage with them. And Grace was ALLEGEDLY royally pissed off about it, and y’all don’t wanna piss off Miss Jones, because she traveled from Jamaica to London just for the show.

Naturally, a spokesperson for those boys is saying they had nothing to do with Jones being cut from the show, adding that “it wasn’t even discussed with them.”

Yeah, uh huh, then why would a show cut Grace ‘Mother-effing’ Jones at all unless some pre-pube boys wanted it that way. And, yes, I know they aren’t pre-pubescent; they just act like it.

Howsabout Tyra Banks braking up with another TV show?

A few weeks back America’s Next Top Model Who Never Quite Makes It As A Model was cancelled by whatever second-rate network it was on and Tyra Banks, the very next day, tried to spin it that she was pulling the show off the air because it was time.

Tyra has an ego the size of her forehead y’all. But how’s she gonna spin this one? See, Tyra really played up her new talk-show, The FABLife for a hot minute until … she quit The FABLife.

And she’s saying she did it because she wants to focus on her line of cosmetics … uh huh … and that she’ll pop up every now and again and stay on as executive producer until the end of the year. But, rumor has it that Tyra didn’t exactly go quietly. She and another executive producer didn’t like each other and Tyra pitched a fit because, she says, producers went back on a promise to let her regularly push her craptastic makeup line on the show.

Still, it’s all good; no Tyra on TV is TV worth watching.

Back in July 2014, Sherri Shepherd’s super messy divorce drama was everywhere. She’d been married to Lamar Sally — a shady gold-digger … according to Sherri — and says he convinced her to have a baby via a surrogate; the child would not have any biological connection to Sherri since they didn’t use her eggs.

But, before the child was born, Sherri dumped Sally, filed for divorce and told the court she had no interest in paying child support to Lamar to raise a child who wasn’t “hers” biologically, even though she agreed to the surrogacy, signed the paper for the surrogacy, and paid for the surrogacy.

Last July, the court disagreed, and Sherri was ordered to pay child support for the child she never wanted; but the court left open the possibility that if Sherri could prove that Lamar defrauded her, she wouldn’t have to pay a dime.

Big surprise then that Good Christian Woman Sherri, who wanted a surrogate baby until she didn’t want one and then wanted no part of it at all ever, couldn’t prove fraud and so her last ditch effort to avoid paying child support was shot down in court.

And so she’ll continue to pay … $4,100 per month until the child turns thirteen … and then it’s bumped up to $4,600. Hopefully Lamar will go the Direct Deposit route so he and Sherri won’t have to face one another.

Okay, last week we learned that Carly Simon’s song “You’re So Vain” was partially about Warren Beatty because she told that story in her memoir Boys In The Trees.  But, because that story isn’t enough to sell books, she’s also revealing that, back in 1965, Sean Connery wanted to get some Carly … if you know what I mean … but he had one catch: he wanted a threesome with Carly and [gulp] her sister.

Carly says that when she was 20, and her sister Lucy was 22, they were traveling from London to New York on a ship and met a then 35-year-old Sean Connery.  Carly says that the three of them had drinks and ended up in his cabin where Connery, who was married at the time, suggested the ménage-à-oh-no-they-bettah-don’t.

Carly and Lucy said thanks, but no thanks, but the next night Lucy did end up doing the 007 Deed all by herself with Connery. And Carly was so upset by this betrayal — I guess she wanted to Bond with Sean … get it? — that when they got to New York, she ended their musical duo The Simon Sisters.

So … Sean Connery Yoko’d The Simon Sisters? That should sell one or two copies of Carly’s book.

After their marriage ended over the summer Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting learned a lesson many of us already know: don’t ever get a tattoo of a lover-husband-boyfriend-girlfriend-one-nightstand’s name, or wedding date, tattooed on your body.

See, Kaley went and got their wedding date inked into her back and Ryan got her name tattooed on his arm, and then almost as soon as that ink dried, it was over. What to do? What to do?

Well, Kaley was kinda lucky; she could have scoured Tindr for another man to marry and then married him on the same date, and only have had to change the year. Ryan would have to find a girl named Kaley and that is far more difficult.

But, Kaley decided she didn’t want to try her luck on securing the same wedding date, so she had another tattoo inked over the original: it’s a moth … a moth that looks a lot like the moth on the Silence of the Lambs poster.

And now someone is out looking for fava beans and a nice Chianti.

And speaking of divorces …

After Chris Rock filed for divorce from his wife of 18 years, Malaak Compton-Rock, it began to get real ugly. They fought over custody of their children and over money, naturally, but now there’s a whole new sub-basement of ugly.

See, back in 2008, a girl from South Africa named Ntombi began living with the Rocks; Ntombi’s biological parents live in South Africa, so no one really knows why she moved into the Rock house, except that she did and was treated like a Rock off-spring, even attending events with Chris. And that’s where the ugly comes in …

Around the time that Chris filed divorce papers, South African officials started looking closely at how Ntombi ended up in the US. See, there is ALLEGEDLY no record of the Rocks adopting Ntombi; Chris never signed papers to legally adopt Ntombi and it was Malaak who brought her to the US.

And so, while Chris regularly sees his 2 biological daughters, he hasn’t once seen or spoken to Ntombi in over a year and his people say he doesn’t have a child, adopted or otherwise, named Ntombi.

Nice father, Chris; you’ve been treating this girl like a daughter since she was a baby and now? Not so much.

Another divorce story?

This week a Manhattan judge shish-kebabed Stephanie March, the former wife of celebrity chef and adulterer Bobby Flay for hauling him into court over some old Food Network videos.

Though Flay and March finalized their divorce in July, she filed a motion demanding $105,000 for the videos that feature her with Flay and that aired on the Food Network. She claimed the videos violated the divorce agreement that prevented both sides from using one another’s images for profit.

But the judge declared the dinner over, and the gray train halted, because the Food Network spots predate the split and are controlled by the TV channel, not Flay.

Looks like Bobby didn’t get skewered by March …. Again.

It's Snarkurday!

So, after Blake Shelton up and divorced Miranda Lambert amid rumors that she’s a cheatin’ croonin’ country star, she needed to beef up her image and what better way to get some press than to appear onstage with former country crooner turned pop tart Taylor Swift?

When Swifty’s tour came to North Carolina, Miranda was there, too, and they sang one of Lambert’s hits, “Little Red Wagon.” And it all looked so sweet except … the two are ALLEGEDLY feuding and have been for a couple of years, so it was tense that night, onstage and off … says a source:

“The girls were anything but friendly that night. Miranda was miffed that Taylor flubbed several lines of ‘Little Red Wagon’ and also annoyed that Taylor made her wear a 1989 shirt.”

Taylor Swift is a stylist, too? But I digress … the tension dates back to when the two gals got into a screaming match over a collaboration that fell apart and ever since then they hate each other. Miranda thinks Taylor is fake … you don’t say … while TayTay says Miranda is a mean girl … go figure. So why the concert duet? Damage control.

Since Miranda’s divorce, and the rumors that she’s boning any man and every man that comes within ten feet, her reputation is shot. Cheating boozing lying … maybe TayTay is a career stylist … too?

And speaking of Miranda, let’s jump to Blake Shelton and his new girlfriend, and newly divorced herself, Gwen Stefani.

After finally saying what everyone knew was true — that they were doing one another — the NBC press train … NBC owns The Voice and therefore owns Stefani and Shelton … made it clear that this new romance started after Gwen split from her husband Gavin Rossdale, except … Gavin doesn’t think so.

Gavin’s theory is that Gwen was on the down-low, turning in that chair with Blake Shelton while they were still married because she was afraid a nasty divorce, and rumors of cheating would cost Gwen a boatload of alimony cash.

Of course, maybe he’s just sour graping because of the song she wrote about him after the split … a song that, as I said a few weeks back, was kinda nasty and not really the kind of song a mother would like her kids to hear her sing about their father. And maybe he’s pissy because folks say she wrote it that way since he was ALLEGEDLY doing the down-low thing with Marilyn …

All this cheating makes for a perfect country song … Get to writin’ it, Blake.

I adore Tim Gunn and here’s just one reason … Tim has once again served the tea — a few weeks back he dished all things Anna Wintour — during an interview where he was asked about Kanye West’s latest fashion collection … and we're holding until the laughter dies down … and he replied like this:

“Well, I’m reminded of the words of a very dear friend of mine, former editor-in-chief of Vogue Grace Mirabella. I think they’re a bunch of dumb clothes. Just basic pieces.”

And Tim then decided to add some juice about that whole Kardastrophe Klan and their ALLEGED fashion sense and influence:

“The whole Kardashian clan doesn’t like me, so. There are large issues for me, such as ‘Why? Why?’. When it comes to fashion, I say to people all the time, if you want guidance for your fashion, just consider this: If a Kardashian is wearing it — don’t. I think it’s vulgar. And I just think given the amount of public exposure that the Kardashians have, to potentially be sending a message to people that you too can dress like this? No.”

I image now that Kanye and That Woman have huddled around a cauldron trying to come up with a potion to make Tim Gunn recant …

It must be a slow news day when has-been actor, and bad toupee wearer, Burt Reynolds rises from his crypt to say something nasty about his ex-wife, Loni Anderson — whom he wed in 1988 and divorced six years later. But, Burt decided twenty-one years later was the perfect time to dish about Loni, whom he calls “The Countess”:

“The Countess bought everything in triplicate. China. Diamonds. Designer gowns. She’d pay $10,000 a pop for the dress. And being ‘the Countess,’ she’d only wear them once because, you know, she couldn’t possibly wear a dress after it had been photographed. She’d say, ‘I have to dress like a star, Burt.’”

And, he says, when he gave her an American Express Platinum Card, she maxed out the $45,000 credit limit in 30 minutes.

Wait. It was just 45K? Reynolds spent more than that in 30 minutes on toupee glue.

Ariana Not-So-Grande has kinda become a star rather quickly — I mean a couple of years ago she was just some prepubescent schoolgirl and now she’s a prepubescent schoolgirl with a record deal. And, along the way there have been all sorts of stories about what a bratty diva bitch she is, from temper tantrums to America-bashing to fan-hating to donut-licking and on and on.

And now this; she was supposed to be on The Jonathan Ross Show in Britain, but didn’t show up ALLEGEDLY because a new Krispy Kreme had opened on the corner and she had Maple Glazed to lick.

Apparently her minions, and by minions, I mean her parents because she doesn’t have to pay them, told Jonathan Ross’ people that she was getting in a car to go over to shoot the episode but then she never arrived; and so Ross trashed the petulant little diva on air:

“Ariana is in town. We were told she would be in the car at 6pm to be here for 7pm then it got to 7pm and she was not in the car – 7.30pm and she is still not in the motherfucking car. So I don’t think we can hold out much hope. I don’t know what it is. We are going to give Ariana the benefit of the doubt and not say anything mean or judgmental. I apologise to anyone who might have come along hoping to see her. She was booked but the lazy little fucker has not come. Maybe she has gone to her first Nando’s.”

I imagine now that Arianna has created a Jonathan Ross voodoo doll out of bits of her weave, some donut crumbs, and crusty bits of chicken and will stand outside his apartment wailing like a bird with a broken wing … if she can get there in time.

Robert De Niro is cranky; he’s cranky like “get off my lawn” cranky.

At the Wall Street Journal Innovator Awards in New York last week, a man named Stewart Butterfield — his real name — won an award and during his speech, pointed out all the famous people in the room, and then took aim at De Niro:

"I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane ... when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that."

Robert De Niro didn’t like it, and when he took the stage to present an award to Angelina … need I say Jolie … he went off:

“Whoever the last speaker was ... I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors ... celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”

And then Robert De Niro had Stewart Butterfield offed. Well, maybe not, but he could have; and the lesson is, never speak to De Niro, about De Niro, or look into the eyes of De Niro.

And now for some Food Network gossip … This year ALLEGED adulterer Bobby Flay divorced his wife and ALLEGED adulteress Giada de Laurentiis divorced her husband and the internet went wild that Giada and Bobby would be bumping uglies before the year was out.

Now, maybe not so much. Giada recently admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she would NEVER date Bobby Flay after hot Andy Cohen suggested that there are people out there who want to see these two foodies play hide the chorizo.

“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”

So, is she smarter than dating Bobby Flay or is she smarter than telling Andy Cohen, who never met a tidbit of gossip he didn’t Tweet to death, that she wouldn’t date Flay?

I’m still sensing hanky-panky in the kitchen.

Forget about the Taylor Swift and Katy Perry Feud, because there’s some old school divalicious about Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez.

It seems that JLo’s manager Benny Medina, also represented Mimi from 2003 to 2008, and then tried to get back into her career ruining, I kid, running, I kid, but JLo put the kibosh on it and renegotiated her contract with Medina to include a “No Mariah” clause.

I assumed that clause was standard practice in Hollywood.

I can’t help it … I love girls feuding. Especially when the girls are Vivica Fox and 50 Cent. And to think it all started with the rumors that Vivica once tossed 50’s salad, and the of Fiddy’s ass getting Vivica lip treatment raised its ugly head again when Fox appeared on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen asked her about Fiddy’s Instagram post that blamed Empire’s second season ratings slump on the “extra gay stuff”:

Andy: What were your thoughts when 50 Cent blamed the second season ratings dip on “gay stuff”?

Vivica: First of all, um, you know the pot calling the kettle black is all I’m saying.

Andy: Pot calling the kettle black… So you’re not insinuating that he’s…  Vivica A. Fox, what are you insinuating?

Vivica: Well, I mean, no, he’s not. I mean, we had a good time. I mean, but he’s just, seems, like he’s got something that’s not quite clear. So….

Andy: You mean sometimes if people protest too much about something, that the actual fire is happening right there in front of them?

Vivica: Yes. Absolutely. I’ll just never forget there was a Vibe cover with him and Soulja Boy that made me go, “Hmm.” I’m just saying…

Andy: So you saw the cover and you thought… Were you with him at the time the cover came out?

Vivica: Absolutely not. Well, he looked like a booty snatcher on that one to me.

And so the feud was off and as soon as that episode of WWHL aired both 50 Cent and Soulja Boy went on the attack against Fox; Soulja Boy Instagrammed a picture of Vivica looking a little rode hard and put away wet … as we say here in Smallville’s horse country … and he added the caption:

“Everybody hit up this cougar...she’s single & ready to mingle …1-800-GrannyDesperateForAttention extension I’mWashedUp”

And then Fiddy took aim:

“Oh No!!!, Now she thinks I’m gay because I let her lick my Ass. LMAO. Wait, I didn’t want her to, she forced me, and my hands were tied. 50 shades of grey”

Sounds like a lot of protesting to me … and funny that Fiddy and Soulja both came for Vivica. Where there’s smoke, there might be flamers.

Since we already did some Snark Talk this week about Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, and when they began banging, and with whom his ex, Miranda Lambert, may have been cheating with, and how her ex, Gavin Rossdale, suspected that Gwen was already riding Blake before his divorce, and before their divorce, except …

Right about the time Gwen and Gavin put the kibosh on their wedded bliss, rumors circulated about Gwen firing the nanny because maybe the nanny was, um, nannying Gavin, too.

And now there seems to be more rumors that, yes, Gavin was boning the nanny, Mindy Mann, for up to three years, including the years that Gwen was knocked up with their youngest kid. Gwen ALLEGEDLY found out about the Nanny Banging when another nanny — how many nannies do these folks need — read a slew of text messages, and saw some nude pics, between Mindy and Gavin on the family iPad.

Damn that technology! It makes it so much harder for bored male celebrities to bang the nanny without their wives finding out.

It's Snarkurday!

Poor little Swifty, she’s just never happy and when she’s really sad she eats her feelings …

Back at the 2014 Grammys, Taylor Swift reallyreallyreally wanted to win the Grammy for Album of the Year for Red because it was the best thing she’d ever done and the best record ever. Except to Grammy voters, who gave the statue to Daft Punk for Random Access Memories and that’s where this gets funny.

You may remember the camera being on Swifty when the award was announced and because both albums start with an ‘R’ Swifty and her Girl Mob squee'd when it seemed like it would be her …

“When they announced the Album of the Year winner it was like, ‘And the album of the year goes to … Reeeeeandom Access Memories, Daft Punk!’ And they really dragged out the ‘reeee. And for a second there, I kind of thought we had it, and we didn’t. I remember not going to after parties. I went home and I cried a little bit, and I got In-N-Out Burger and ate a lot.”—TayTay Swift

Wow, someone thinks that highly of themselves — and she’s eon seven Grammys believe it or not — but then weeps and eats when she doesn’t win “the one.”

I feel so sorry for … next.

GOOP was at Variety’s Power of Women Luncheon recently because she’s a woman and she has power? Okay, that’s a stretch, but during her speech about powerful women she spoke about the most powerful one of all … herself:

“When I was a young woman in Hollywood, if you were a woman focused on building your career, you were labeled ambitious, and that was a bad word.  … I was told to temper my use of SAT words in interviews because it made me ‘unlikeable’.”

Oh honey, you aren’t unlikeable because you use big words, you’re unlikeable because you’re a know-it-all who thinks you should be telling everyone else how to behave.

Siddown.

Kristen Stewart and her lesbian love, Alicia Cargile, are over. They haven’t been seen in plaid and work boots together in months. And the story is that Kristen is so busy right now that she doesn’t have time for a relationship, unless, you know, it’s with a film director and he wants to bang her on set like, oh, I dunno, Rupert Sanders, and can do more for her career than Cargile, who used to be Stewarts assistant.

Honey, you never bang the help. Did Schwarzenegger teach us nothing?

Anne Hatchway is a big star; just ask her. And one thing she will not stand for is having a common waitress not get her eggs ordered correctly.

Apparently OscarWinnerAnne™ was on the Paramount lot shooting a commercial for Japanese TV — she’d never do an ad for American television because OscarWinnerAnne™  — and when the set caterers did not prepare Miss Hathaway’s eggs to her liking, she sent them back … four times!

1st try: Poached egg too runny.

2nd try: English muffin was cold because it sat while egg #2 was being poached.

3rd try: Egg #2 cold because it sat while chef toasted muffin #2.

4th try: Egg, muffin and avocado were perfect, but it took so long she decided she was in the mood for a fried egg.

Wow, I think everyone in the civilized world knows that you don’t mess with people preparing and serving your food, let you want some extra saliva or a couple drops of Visine or a laxative mixed it with your eggs.

So Swifty’s boyfriend Calvin Harris loves a good massage, and now some British rags are claiming that TayTay is so enraged that Calvin keeps getting photographed after his rubdown that she dumped him. But she didn’t; and they are still together despite the fact that some folks are rumoring that Calvin Harris frequents the kind of massage parlor where one gets really happy, right there at the end … and then gets a hot towel to clean up after, and now Calvin is threatening to sue … via Twitter of course:

“It's not going to be a 'happy ending' for everyone I sue for defamation of character for all these bullshit stories bye bye”

Oh, snap.

So, Johnny Depp and the missus have been hitting up every single premiere of Black Mass, everywhere around the world; at last count, the film had premiered in over 7,000 places and Depp and heard were all over it.

But don’t think Depp is shoving this movie down our throats because he wants an Oscar; he does not. He says he will take a nomination, but hopes his name is never called at the show because he doesn’t wanna talk.

This all sounds like Depp playing like he doesn’t want the nekkid gold man because he really wants the nekkid gold man and hopes academy voters will just give him one already so he can put on an ugly hat, smuggling his dogs into the Kodak Theater and mumble incoherently until the music plays him off.

Abby Lee Miller, of Dance Moms might be teaching the Jailhouse Tango one day. ABC News says that Miller was hit with twenty counts of fraud for ALLEGEDLY trying to hide a bunch of money when she declared bankruptcy back in 2010.

Maybe she’ll do a new show: Orange is the New Macarena.

Several months ago, in the heat of an ugly divorce between Bobby Flay and Stephanie March, Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and someone flew a plane overhead with a giant “Cheater” banner on it. It was high-larious.

And even though now the divorce has been settled and March walked away with a load of cash and a new Bobby Flay Grill, people are still trashing the chef.

Flay was holding an event — “Brunch at Bobby’s with Bobby Flay featuring Bobby Flay” — and he was protested again by a gaggle of topless females bearing red X’s on their breasts and the word “Cheater” painted on their bodies.

Seriously, that is funny.

Sean Penn has been on the lookout for a new younger girlfriend since he split from Charlize Theron so he could parade his hot younger piece around town.

First, he tried to score Minka Kelly — paying for her birthday party when he barely knew her — but she quickly shut that down. Then he tried someone called Emmanuelle Vaugier but she wasn’t really a ‘name’ so he moved on.

Now he’s ALLEGEDLY wooing Frieda Pinto who split from Dev Patel last December. Penn made an appearance at The Nice Guy bar — yes, that’s the name — in West Hollywood along with a gaggle of friends to celebrate Frieda’s 31st birthday.

So, maybe he’ll stay hooked to Frieda for a hot minute to keep his Not So Nice Guy cred up to date, or …

Is he back to boning Madonna?

Penn showed up at Madge’s Rebel Heart tour in New York and Vancouver, and during her Brooklyn show, Madge told the audience that Penn had written her a nice note saying he appreciates her ‘art,’ and by ‘art,’ he means her rock-hard, surgically enhanced body.

And since Sean and Madge apparently stayed at the same hotel in Vancouver, he appears set to be her groupie on the California leg of her; there are even rumors he’ll be headed to Europe when she goes.

So, is he banging the ex, or is he just unloading his ‘tour bus’ until the right young one comes along?

Speaking exes, Gwen Stefani is taking a page out of the TayTay handbook and has written a song, or an entire album, about her breakup with Gavin Rossdale.

It’s called “Used To Love You” and contains the lyrics about how much she loathes Rossdale. I wonder how her kids will react to hearing Mommy sing about how much she hates Daddy because that right there is some good parenting.

Beyoncé’s dad Mathew Knowles has come out and said his little girl is actually a little bigger than we all knew … as in she’s roughly two years older than she says she is. Knowles says Bey is as old as Pink was born in September 1979, or maybe even as old as Usher, who was born in October 1978.

Does anyone really think Beyoncé would lie about her age? I mean, her husband does; and everything about her, from the wigs to the clothes to the foldable baby bump seems made-up so … maybe Papa’s right.

Back to Gwyneth Paltrow, AKA Dr. GOOP.

She recently got a whole lot of trouble for saying that sitting in a hot sauna will flush the flu out of your system. Medical experts — and GOOP ain’t one — say that while sitting in a sauna may help you flush out clogged sinuses, it will actually make your flu worse.

Shut it down, Paltrow. Only now she’s back and declaring wearing an underwire bra can lead to cancer.

A post on GOOP, written by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, cites a book from 1995 titled  Dressed to Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras to explain that wearing a tight bra can restrict the lymph nodes around the mammary area and raise the temperature of tissue, which could screw with the hormone function and increase a woman’s risk for breast cancer. Habib also says the underwire in a bra can magnify the radiation from WiFi and cell phones and warms women to not wear bras with underwire and give their mammaries a rest.

I’m guessing, though, that he has no problem at all with the $80 underwire bras that Paltrow sells on her website. He just means don’t wear bras that don’t give coins back to GOOP.

So, Johnny Depp doesn’t want an Oscar, but Leonardo DiCaprio does.

Leo’s newest Oscar show, The Revenant will get a giant awards season push from New Regency. And even thought the film, directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, went way over budget, the studio has hired a platoon of men and women to get Leo the gold.

I guess no one remembers that it was just last year that Jennifer Aniston and her people hired a bunch of consultants to win her an Oscar and she didn’t even get a nod.

I say Leo should just sit back and go to the show and wait quietly until Johnny Depp’s name is called and then race him to the stage.

So, Kaley Cuoco makes about a million an episode of The Big Bang Theory and now she’s about to get Big Banged In Reality because her husband of twenty-one months wants spousal support.

And since Cuoco and her ex, Ryan Sweeting, never thought their ninety-day courtship needed a prenup, he looks like he might one day soon be rolling in the ali-more-money.