Money Can’t Buy You Class [or] What Happens When Parents Give Houses To The Kids

I am obsessed by celebrity real estate and how the so-called rich and famous live. More often than not the homes are designed to within an inch of their lives by a high-priced designer but sometimes a parent lets one of their children move into the manse and the child decides to take design into their own hands.

Case in point: Dr. Phil. He is one of Hollywood’s highest-paid celebrity “doctors” with an annual income of some $95 million, proving that being a charlatan on television pays, but I digress. Back in January 2020, Dr. Phil listed his Southern California mansion for sale and the listing went viral, with people all over social media poking fun  at the home, so let’s pile on …

The first clue as to what lie behind it is the gate, which resembles a tangled mess of tumbleweeds and branches, but then you get beyond that and the house itself is your typical Southern California Mediterranean Spanish hybrid looking m-effer. As soon as you drive into the house’s driveway, you see a completely normal-looking house, a perfectly livable home that many people would be happy to buy if they had the nearly $6M asking price.

With plenty of space for cars to park and exit as they please, the gate seems to be the only strange feature of the home until you take a gander toward the front door … before, it was a lovely, manicured space and then some sort of vomiting worm fountain was added and it’s all down a rabbit hole from here.

But first, the pool and grounds; in the backyard there is a stunning tapestry of flowers and foliage, with Roman statues surrounding the pool, and a serene dining area under a pergola. 

None of this prepares you for what goes on inside, other than the new addition of a fish puking fountain, so with further ado …

The real estate listing has made note of the property’s “eclectic finishes” but that description doesn’t do the home justice. When you enter the foyer of the 6,170 square-foot home you are instantly the star of your own Tim Burton fantasy. At first everything looks pretty standard, even considering the purple swing chair at the door; and while the color scheme isn’t my choice, it is a choice.

And initially, the living room looks like a standard living room, a kind of nice room, until you realize that nothing matches, and the longer you look, the weirder it gets. It’s mix-matched mess, with custom art and animal figurines surrounding the fireplace, but according to the listing, these one-of-a-kind pieces can be kept upon purchase of the property; as if.

And then comes the Great Room where things really get odd. The chandelier is Disney Evil Queen Castle, but it sits beneath a Beetlejuice, Alice in Wonderland  black and white checkered dome. But then you see the staircase, draped in woody vines that climb up to the second floor, wrapping around the bar with stools that have antler-like backrests. And then there are the many neon art pieces and colorful ornaments that appear everywhere in the home.

This second living room, which was described on the listing as “the fireplace” room, has a post-modern art-deco vibe, but there was no editing done at all. It seems like the interior designer—I kid, like they used an actual interior designer—had so many ideas that they poured them all into this one room.

One thing to note is that nearly every space in the house features figurines of rabbits and bears with no explanation; you cannot walk through any room without some faux animal giving you a side-eye.

And the dining room, with its creepy hairball chandelier and weird orange bear standing guard is enough to make dining out a necessity. Between the patterned rug and the patterned chairs my vertigo has kicked in and I am no longer hungry.

Of course, even if I were hungry the kitchen is the last place I’d want to spend time doing meal prep and such. Tio be honest, I love a black kitchen, but the shellacked back mess of cabinetry makes me think Hannibal Lecter is the hired chef.

So, let’s go to the Billiards Room … well, perhaps not. Between the blue painted floor, which looks like the heavy pool table was dropped onto, created the white cracks around each leg and another Beetlejuice ceiling, perhaps it’s best to go to sleep.

The Primary bedroom, with its soothing blue walls, though they look purple in the second photo, looks like a nice spot to nap, though that odd desk thing in the corner has me thinking it’s where Nosferatu sleeps; and then you have the neon Cheshire cat and that, what is it in the corner, a cat tree?

Perhaps the Beverly Hills Hotel is in order.

So, there you have Dr. Phil’s hideous house, but in the interest of transparency, a representative of the McGraw family wants to make it clear that Dr. Phil himself has never lived in the home and as such is not responsible for the lunacy of the space.

No, that honor goes to Phil’s thirty-seven-year-old son Jordan who is the one living in the home, and the one responsible for all of the … sorry I vomited in my mouth a little … design choices proving, as I said up top, this is what happens when a rich guy gives his son a multi-million home to play around with, until; Daddy decides to sell it and has to spend millions making it look less Tim Burton and more Beverly Hills.

Not Fries

If You Haven't Bought My Birthday Gift Yet ... Celebrity Digs You Can Own: Robert DeNiro

I know, it’s kinda nondescript from the outside, but there is underground parking for several cars, a must in New York City.

This is my request for a birthday gift; Robert DeNiro’s New York penthouse — I just adore a penthouse view — spanning the top two floors of a West Village building, with sweeping 360 degree views of the Hudson River and the city itself.

The original building dates back to the 1920s, but now it houses my ideal new home: 11,000 square feet of interior and landscaped terraces. There is a grand living room — because I’m livin’ large in DeNiro’s old pad — with a wood burning fireplace and dramatic double height ceilings, five bedrooms and four-and-a-half bathrooms.

The master suite is a sanctuary with its own fireplace, two windowed walk-in closets — because why share a closet when you don’t have to — an en-suite bathroom with steam room, and access to one of the many terraces; there are sprawling terraces on both levels of the penthouse.

In addition, there is a library with another fireplace, a home office for blogging, a formal dining room, an eat-in chef’s kitchen, a prep kitchen, and a walk in pantry.

And, as I said, if y’all wanna band together and buy this for me for my birthday — after I’ve entertained and infuriated you on this blog for years — it can be mine mine mine for just $25.5 million dollars.

And with some roughly 330 followers, past and present, that works out to just about $85,000 each. Chump change.

Thanks, in advance!

Curbed

Is Rep. Aaron Schock On The Down [ton Abbey] Low?

I have never been to the Rayburn House Office Building is Washington, DC, where many members of Congress have their offices, bit according to Ben Terris of the Washington Post, it’s your typical drab, beige, bureaucratic government building.

When a member of Congress moves into an office in the Rayburn, the rooms are spare and bare; furniture and computers are of the hand-me-down-from-the-last-tenant variety. But new members are allowed to paint, though they have limited choices that the House will provide: beige, eggshell, light blue, light gray or light yellow — that the House will provide. If you wish a different color, then the lawmaker must pay for that.

Which is how we come to Congressman Aaron Schock’s offices; y’all remember Schock, right? He, of the turquoise belt and gingham blouse, er, shirt, in the photo that went viral; the one that made us all wonder if he might be a little light in the Congressional loafers?

Schock’s new office — his outer office — is bold, bright red; there are gold-colored wall sconces with black candles; there’s a Federal-style bull’s-eye mirror with an eagle perched on top and, according to the woman at the front desk, it’s “based off of the red room in ‘Downton Abbey.’”

How very Dowager Countess. Terris was suddenly interested, and then another woman came out and asked if he’d like to see the rest; would he?

She introduced herself as Annie Brahler, the interior decorator whose company, Euro Trash, designed Schock’s new digs. She escorted Terris into Schock’s private office, another dramatic red room with a crystal chandelier, a table propped up by two eagles, a bust of Abraham Lincoln and massive arrangements of pheasant feathers.

Pheasant feathers. Terris was intrigued, but then he received a call on his cell phone: Schock’s communications director, Benjamin Cole who asked who told him that he could photograph the office. Cole said, "Stay where you are. You’ve created a bit of a crisis in the office.”

A staff member came in and asked Terris to delete the photos from my phone, but, well, that didn’t exactly happen and that’s when the story really took off.

See, Schock’s people wanted Terris to delete the pictures, and not do any story about the redecoration of his offices, but rather allow Schock to talk about any number of other things … like the six pack abs he proudly displays on the cover of Men’s Health; or his Instagram, which features him leaping for joy on a South American glacier — see that photo HERE — or smiling with Ariana Grande.

You know, political stiff. Not the gossipy stuff like what his new office is like.

Brahler, happy to let a reporter tour the office and see her work, was taken aback by all the fuss over the pictures. She’d met Schock several years ago, after he’d seen her work featured in magazines and offered her services for free, though Schock, according to Congressional rules, would have to pay for the furnishings.

So she decorated his old offices in the Cannon House Office Building, and when he moved into the Rayburn, he called again; she admits that, while his office looks kind of Downton-esque, it’s not a replica of the television show, it's just what Schock wanted.

Meanwhile, back to Benjamin Cole, recovering from the fit he threw that a reporter was in the office; he explained that Schock hadn’t seen the finished space yet and wondered if it was a bit unfair to write about it before the congressman had seen it. Terris agreed, though he asked if he could be there when Schock got his first peek-a-boo.

That was all well and good, until Aaron Schock decided he wasn’t interested in doing a whole story about how his office is decorated; he’d talk about anything else — well, not the turquoise belt — but would rather not discuss his offices.

And he sent Cole, his communications director, to make a point to Terris: the office is definitely not based on Downton Abbey because, well, maybe Schock doesn’t watch the show and he definitely doesn’t want to talk about it.

But someone does want to talk, and that’s the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington [CREW]  who have asked the Office of Congressional Ethics) to investigate whether Republican Schock violated House rules by accepting free interior decorating work for his not Downton Abbey inspired offices.

CREW reports, via press release:

 “Perhaps it’s not totally surprising that the same congressman who spent campaign money on P90X workout DVDs wanted to create a more picturesque setting in which to be photographed, but the rules clearly require him to pay for those renovations himself. Again and again, Rep. Schock’s seeming obsession with his image impedes his ability to conduct himself in ethical manner.”

House rules prohibit members of Congress from accepting gifts, which are defined in the rules as any “item having monetary value” — like interior decoration services — and the rules explicitly prohibit members from using “outside private donations, funds, or in-kind goods and services” — as in campaign contributions — to pay for their congressional office.

CREW is also asking that Schock be investigated as to whether or not he used campaign funds to pay for his office furniture. They state that in 2012 campaign paid $5,522 to Brahler’s company for what it described as “office equipment” but with the revelation now that Brahler redecorated Schock’s previous suite, they seem to believe that campaign funds were used to pretty up Aaron spaces — a clear violation of House rules.

Maybe Schock should have just asked Brahler to redecorate his closet; that way no one would have seen it except for him.

Just sayin’ … and then Aaron said, when cornered by NBC News to ask about his Downton Office:

“I'm different. I came to Congress at 27 … as Taylor Swift said, 'haters are gonna hate.'"

Downton-Abbey-Office-Working-Turquoise-Belt-Wearing-Shirltess-Congressman-Quoting-A-Taylor-Swift-Song.

So.Not.Gay.

sources:

Towleroad: Aaron Schock's New Office
Towleroad: Aaron Schock Ethics Charge
Washington Post
New Civil Rights Movement

Photo of the Week,

Gosh, I love an old Jag convertible. 

I'd start speaking in a clipped English accent; I'd act like some sort of British super-spy. I'd ... I'd ... hang it on the wall of my house and use it as a bookcase?

Sheesh, you'd have to have a boat-load of cash to turn a full-sized Jaguar into wall art. 

And it begs the question, how do I get it off the wall and out of the house when I want to go for a spin?

Random Musings

I love tattoos; I have six, and they all mean something personal to me. They aren’t cartoons or names of old boyfriends— the things that you might one day look at and regret.

Like Eric Hartsburg, the guy from Indiana who tattooed the logo of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign on his face … onto his face … and now, big surprise, says he is removing it.

Hartsburg says he initially planned to keep the tattoos … cough bull sh*t cough … it, but cites post-election comments by Romney for his change of heart.

Either that or wearing the tattoo logo of a loser was just too embarrassing.

And, yes, stupid.

This just in from the Vatican….

Pope Francis has "overhauled" the criminal code at Vatican City and now, finally, for the first time in history, the possession of child pornography will send you to Vatican prison; which, I’m guessing, since the Vatican isn’t big on punishment, is an island in the Caribbean filled with nubile young houseboys in see-through sarongs.

Or something.

This new, um, legislation covers clergy and lay people who live and work in Vatican City and is different from the canon law, which covers the universal Catholic Church.

In addition, it is also now illegal to leak Vatican secrets, and the penalties for violations of the new law are stiff … hee hee … stiff: Anyone who reveals or receives confidential information or documentation risks six months to two years in prison and a $2,500 fine; the penalty goes up to eight years in prison if the material concerns the “fundamental interests” of the Holy See or its diplomatic relations with other countries.

In other words, stop looking at child porn and stop talking.

If only …….

So, I like me some Bravo. I really like Million Dollar Decorators because, well, I’m a big old queen, and because it features one Mary McDonald, my BFH—Best Fag Hag.

Mary is rumored to have been the inspiration for the Karen Walker character on Will & Grace and I can see why.

She’s bawdy, bold, funny, and has a gay BFF—sadly, not me.

Plus, you can also see her on Bravo’s Property Envy.

She’s, as the old folks say, a hoot.

It’s official, Texas has officially gone Cher on our collective asses and turned back time.

Last Friday the Texas Senate, by a vote of 19 to 11, passed HB 2, that controversial abortion bill that has garnered the nation's attention over the past month. It was instantly sent via horseback to Governor Perry’s desk where, of course, he’ll sign it.

Odd that Governor, and Not Gay, Rick Perry is so interested in women’s vaginas, eh?

That’s the bad news; the good news is that State Senator Wendy Davis, who filibustered long and hard against the bassackwards bill, is being courted to run for governor in 2014.

The more bad news, this is still Texas, and most of the state doesn’t have the collective gray matter to elect any forward thinking governor.

Bush. Perry. ‘Nuff said.

I was angry at the Zimmerman verdict; I understood the verdict and I realized that, the way our justice system works, justice was served. But I didn’t, and don’t agree with the verdict.

But what pisses me off are the protestors who are destroying their cities, breaking windows and setting fires. That serves no purpose; channel the anger into solving the problem. Punching out a window, or another person, doesn’t help.

And Los Angeles? Neither does shutting down the 10 freeway. All that did was piss off a bunch of commuters trying to get somewhere.

That’s not a protest; that’s just dumb.

That said….

My thoughts on, ahem, Juror B37. And lemme start off by saying this is all hypothetical.

Say B37 was called for jury duty, and after arriving at the courthouse realized it was for the Zimmerman case. And then say she saw dollar signs, and a way to capture her fifteen minutes of fame.

But first, she’d have to make sure Zimmerman was found not guilty, because had he been found guilty the story would have ended. Most people would have been celebrating the verdict and the justice for Trayvon, but her time in the spotlight and her chance to cash in on the verdict would be over.

So, she decides Zimmerman is innocent, and maybe she works hard to persuade those other jurors—and she says they were split three-three on the verdict.

But say she persuades those other three to come to her side.

Zimmerman gets off.

She gets a moment in the spotlight.

She writes a book.

She makes money.

I for one, don’t trust the woman, not one iota. I think she had an agenda and she worked it.

The good news, however, is that the country is so enraged by the verdict t that B37’s publisher has cancelled her book deal, and B37 has slunk back into the ooze and mire from whence she came.

Good riddance.

Meanwhile back at the Vatican ….

Those Catholics who sin—and I don’t mean just the child raping priests—can now earn indulgences, reducing the time they'll have to spend in purgatory for their sins if …..

They follow Pope Francis on Twitter.

Yes, folks, you heard it right.

But previously, these ‘indulgences’ were granted to those who carry out certain tasks—like climbing the Sacred Steps, in Rome, which earns believers seven years off purgatory. And recently, Catholics learned that attendance at events such as the Catholic World Youth Day, in Rio de Janeiro, also win an indulgence.

But the Church, knowing that not everyone can attend a weeklong festival to pedophiles and thieves have also extended the privilege to those following the "rites and pious exercises" of the event on television, radio and through social media … like Twitter.

But, according to a source at the penitentiary Vatican: “You must be following the events live. It is not as if you can get an indulgence by chatting on the internet."

Seriously. Follow the Pope on Twitter and you get to shave off some time in purgatory. Now, if they only added SkyMiles …..

I have become hooked on MTV’s Teen Wolf, which is not the Michael J Fox comedy from the 80s, or even the Jason Bateman reboot, also from the 80s. This is darker, and more grisly, and, well, kinda gay.

I mean look at just some of the cast up there: Keahu Kahuani, Tyler Hoechlin, Sinqua Walls—who was killed off this week … or was he?—and Charlie and Max Carver.

It’s like Man Candy Central. And, like I said, kinda gay …..

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