I Didn't Say It

Nick Offerman, actor, at the Independent Spirit Awards, on his storyline in The Last of Us playing a gay character:

“When homophobic hate comes my way and says, ‘Why did you have to make [The Last of Us] a gay story?’ We say, ‘Because you ask questions like that. It’s not a gay story. It’s a love story, asshole.’”

Love is love. It’s that simple.

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Dan Rather, former news anchor, on SCOTUS’ taking on Thing 45’s immunity case:

“The fact that the Supreme Court is even considering [Thing 45]’s immunity case is horrific. It should be clear to anyone who cares about democracy that no one is above the law. But while a Supreme Court packed with [Thing 45]’s appointees won’t save us, there is something we all can do: the presidential election is 250 days away. The hard work of keeping American democracy is alive and thriving is up to the voting public. We must redouble our mobilizing, volunteering, knocking on doors, registering and helping others to register in time to vote on November 5. For those who oppose autocratic rule, complacency and apathy are the enemy. Democracy is not a spectator sport. Anyone and everyone can make a difference. Let the work begin.”

Be like Dan.

Speak up; register; CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE.

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Jayson Boebert, in a statement about his son the criminal AKA The Apple That Didn’t Fall Far From the Tree:

“Being a father in today’s challenging world can be a heavy task. With the constant bombardment of information and influences from all angles, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and uncertain about the best way to guide your children. The challenges we have experienced, especially in the last few years, with schools being shut down, social shut downs, and the depression that was set in from a mismanaged COVID SHUT DOWN. Despite our best efforts, we will fall short sometimes. As a parent balancing work, family, and personal life while striving to be a good role model for your kids can be incredibly demanding. Moreover, the spotlight of today’s media can magnify and distort even the smallest aspects of your life. It’s disheartening to see your actions or words misrepresented and sensationalized, painting a false picture for the public.”

It's all COVID’s fault says the father who exposed himself to teenage girls while his wife was running around getting arrested herself.

That's the way of Republicans: blame everybody else and accept no responsibility.

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Marcia Gay Harden, award-winning actor, crediting her three queer children— Eulala, 25, is nonbinary; Hudson, 19 is gay; and his twin, Julitta, is fluid—with making her an advocate for LGBTQ+ equality:

“I’ve learned an awful lot about gender nonconformity, and I’ve learned a lot about what I was already understanding in my own life, even in high school, my first boyfriend was gay and was too afraid to come out until later. I was already learning a lot about the gay community, but at the time, we spoke more about gay community rather than queer community and I think now the kids talk a lot about the queer community, and it’s much more expansive. It’s much more gender nonconforming. It’s much more embracing, actually … I’m learning on a daily basis about that from all of [my] kids. I got so much hate mail [about] how I'm grooming my kids and all this, that, and the other [but] the response from each one of [my kids] was, ‘Work it, mom. Work it, mom. You’re doing something right if that’s happening.’ Having a child will literally be the greatest masterclass anybody will ever have … and I’ve learned to accept each of them for the beauty that they are and dispel expectation. I’ve learned that at the end of the day, it’s their life. It is their life. I want them to be happy in it.”

That’s how you parent; you listen to your kids, and you love your kids.

It’s not that difficult.

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Colin Grafton, figure skater, coming out as gay:

“I told my closest friends; I told the people around me and I eventually told my parents. I was maybe 24 when all that happened. I know there’s a lot of curiosity about my sexual orientation and my love life, but I never actually came out to the public. I guess this is me announcing it to you guys. I was really nervous of … [coming out] to myself. It was like,’ OK, if I come out as gay then people are going to think I’m this or that,’ when in reality the human sexuality spectrum is so vast and it’s just one small part of the person you are. It’s been a long journey but now I am proud of myself and I’m proud of my sexual orientation and I want to let other people know that they should be proud of every part of themselves too, but there is no rush and there’s no pressure to come out. You have to do it on your own terms and in your own time and find that love for yourselves. It’s not an easy thing—it’s a journey and a learning experience.”

But when you do come out, you have a whole new family waiting for you … along with the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™ and copy of the Gay Agenda.

So, welcome out, Colin.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Erika Jayne, of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, Tom Girardi, we were learning that Girardi is nearly broke and ALLEGEDLY embezzled millions from his firm to keep Erika in ugly couture and ridiculous weaves. Rumors also flew that the divorce was just a sham so they could hide their coins and still be rich rich rich.

But now it looks like Erika wants to put the kibosh on those embezzler stories—at least she’s concerned—and has come out saying that Girardi has been cheating on her for years, and even spilled the name of one of his sidepieces.

Erika is now saying she filed for divorce because, after 21 years of marriage—and ALLEGEDLY all during their marriage—Tom was cheating on her. And she brought receipts to prove it, when she posted, then deleted, text messages between Tom and his ALLEGED mistress, Justice Tricia A. Bigelow, and wrote on Instagram:

“This is Justice Tricia A. Bigelow. She was fucking my husband Tom Girardi and he was paying her Saks bill and paying for her plastic surgery.”

Damn, Tom; he was set to pay Erika’s Saks bill and for her plastic surgery. And Erika posted screenshots of their texts between one another:

“Tonight was fantastic. Really. But it would be a whole lot better if I were fucking you.”

“Miss you babe. Makeup sex?”

And there’s a text where Tricia asks Tom to pay Dr. David Matlock for her plastic surgery or she’ll “ask my new boyfriend to pay if it’s a problem. He’s got big dough.”

Sounds damaging, but internet sleuths have noted a couple of oddities; based on the dates and that 3G phone, the texts are either from 2005-2006 or 2015-2016. And then there’s the ALLEGATIONS that Erika and Tom had an open marriage, so she’s known for a while about Tricia, just like Tom has known about her ALLEGED affair with Scooter Braun.

But most odd of all is that, for some reason, Erika then posted a video of her face superimposed over Daenerys from Game Of Thrones and the internet dragged her:

“Should you be making these videos right now?”

“Baby what is you doin.”

“You should probably stop posting for a while. It’s kind of shocking that no one has advised you to at this point.”

“This whole thing is…. embarrassing. Can we get Olivia Pope?”

I’m not sure where Erika goes after all this but judging from Tricia’s threat to Tom, maybe she should look up Tricia’s old boyfriend because he’s “got big dough”.

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Earlier this month, a 34-year-old woman, who can’t be publicly named for legal reasons, filed a claim in court saying that she and Prince Albert of Monaco had a “passionate affair” in 2015 that led to her having his child.

The woman, who is Brazilian but lives in Italy, says that Albert took her on trips all over the world from France to the US to Russia, where she met Vladimir Putin. The woman’s daughter is now 15 years old and the girl has reportedly reached out to Prince Albert several times including this past September when she sent him a note that read: 

“I don’t understand why I grew up without a father, and now that I have found you, you don’t want to see me.”

Albert has repeatedly ignored the girl, so her mother went the legal route and now wants him to take a DNA test. Prince Albert and his legal team deny the woman’s ALLEGATIONS, but he is no stranger to paternity suits. In 1992, Tamara Rotolo claimed that Albert knocked her up, but he denied it until a DNA test … given by Daddy DNA, Maury Povich … said:

“You are the father.”

In 2005, Nicole Coste ALLEGED that Albert left her with child, too, and while he again denied that ALLEGATION, the truth came out:

“You are the father.”

Sure looks like Albert likes to spread his DNA around.

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It must be a slow gossip week when Connie Chung makes the cut, but here we are.  It seems that Chung is dishing the dirt about lots of people, from Dan Rather to Barbara Walters to Hugh Grant.

Chung says Rather, was what she called “Texas nice” to her face but not so much behind her back, saying Rather has been described as being a person who “has very sharp elbows” as in:

“Maybe, if I turned my back, you know, I felt like I might be in a scene of Psycho in the shower.”

Chung parted ways with CBS; it was rumored she wasn’t a good fit because she was “too tabloid” which might have meant her marriage to the above-mentioned Maury Povich. She ended up at ABC with Walters and Sawyer, whom Chung says actively tried to sabotage her success:

“When I got to ABC News, I joined with both Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer there and I thought, ‘Oh, this is going to be great. It’ll be three women who get along.’ So naive and stupid. I was always playing a game of Whac-A-Mole. I’d pop my head out, and one of them would have a hammer, and whack—put me down, back in my little hole.”

She says Barbara and Diane competed for huge stories and interviews, and that whenever Connie tried to get one, she was told that they were for Barbara and Diane only and that she should “stand down.”

And she also had to stand down when it came to Bryant Gumbel, or men at all:

“I didn’t have a very good experience with a lot of male co-anchors, because they suffer from something called bigshot-itis, and it’s sort of delusions of grandeur and sort of narcissistic behavior and a feeling of inability to stop talking.”

Um, Connie? Stop talking. But she doesn’t … she was asked if Gumbel—with whom Chung sometimes co-hosted “Today” as a sub for Jane Pauley—suffered from the condition, she replied:

“I would say so. I’d be sitting beside him, but I was invisible.”

And then she comes for Hugh Grant, with whom she filmed a cameo for the HBO series The Undoing. She ALLEGES Grant was an asshole who acted like he didn’t know who she was, despite her interviewing him previously.

Sounds like Connie thought very highly of herself while most others did not. Also sounds like she was being interviewed by Maury for the one show a year he does that isn’t about DNA tests.

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I Didn't Say It ...

Rudy Giuliani, raging about a scene in the sequel to Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat, in which he plays with his genitals on a bed while having a drink with the actress who plays Borat’s 15-year-old daughter:

“The Borat video is a complete fabrication. I was tucking in my shirt after taking off the recording equipment. At no time before, during, or after the interview was I ever inappropriate. If Sacha Baron Cohen implies otherwise he is a stone-cold liar. In fact, the NY Post today reports ‘it looks to me like an exaggeration through editing.’ As soon as I realized it was a set up I called the police, which has been noted in THR article on July 8th. This is an effort to blunt my relentless exposure of the criminality and depravity of Joe Biden and his entire family. Deadline Hollywood reports CAA had a distribution screening in September where there was no mention of the scene holding any importance. We are preparing much bigger dumps off of the hard drive from hell, of which Joe Biden will be unable to defend or hide from. I have the receipts.”

This looks like, as someone said on Twitter, a clear-cut case of “erection fraud.”

Oh, and Rudy, who lays down on a bed to tuck in their shirt?

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Michael Steele, former Chair of the Republican Party, has endorsed Joe Biden for president:

“America has watched as the Republican Party stopped pursuing its animating principles of freedom and opportunity [and] given up its voice on things that mattered and instead bent the arc of the party towards the baser motives of one man, who is neither a Republican nor a conservative. Rather than binding up the nation’s wounds, _____ exacerbates division. Rather than standing up to the world’s dictators, ______ cravenly seeks the favor of thugs. Rather than fostering free enterprise, _____embraces economic principles not only outdated in Lincoln’s time, but made even worse today by a leader who lost close to a billion dollars in a single year running a casino. Rather than seeking to build on the legacy of the Republican Party’s founders, of which ______ is surely ignorant, _____ has posited a single purpose for the GOP—the celebration of him. I long to restore that trust with the American people. However, what many inside and outside the GOP fail to grasp now is that our lack of standing with the American people is not the fault of our ideals or the principles we espouse, but rather due to our failure to stand up against the arrogance of power and the erosion of our principles.”

I doubt the GOP will ever fully recover from their blind devotion to a racist rapist lying pig and I’m good with that!

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Dan Rather, on the GOPers who are suddenly trying to distance themselves from _____:

“It’s tempting to use the analogy of rats fleeing a sinking ship to describe the growing number of Republican elected officials starting to speak out against Donald _____. But that’s really not fair to rats, who tend not to be complicit in driving ships to the bottom of the sea.”

It’s too little, too late; where were their balls and backbones all these years.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, on ______ contracting COVID-19:

“I was worried he was going to get sick when I saw him in a completely precarious situation of crowded, no separation between people, and almost nobody wearing a mask. When I saw that on TV I said [Fauci face palms with both hands] ‘Oh my goodness.’ Nothing good can come out of that. That’s gotta be a problem. And then sure enough it turned out to be a superspreader event.”

Science. I believe it; I believe Fauci.

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Ben Sasse, GOP Senator from Nebraska, ripped ______ in a phone call with constituents:

“The way he kisses dictators’ butts. I mean, the way he ignores the Uighurs, our literal concentration camps in Xinjiang. Right now, he hasn’t lifted a finger on behalf of the Hong-Kongers. The United States now regularly sells out our allies under his leadership, the way he treats women, spends like a drunken sailor. The ways I criticize President Obama for that kind of spending; I’ve criticized President Trump for as well. He mocks evangelicals behind closed doors. His family has treated the presidency like a business opportunity. He’s flirted with white supremacists.”

Oh, Ben, he’s been doing this for years, so quit acting all faux-indignant. You carried water for him since election day 2016, so, no, I don’t care what you think now. If he wins reelection, you’re start goose-stepping all over again.

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Caroline Giuliani, Rudy’s daughter, coming out as a Biden supporter:

“I am a filmmaker in the LGBTQ+ community who tells stories about mental health, sexuality, and other stigmatized issues, and my goal is to humanize people and foster empathy. So, I hope you’ll believe me when I say that another ______ term … will irrevocably harm the LGBTQ+ community, among many others. His administration asked the Supreme Court to let businesses fire people for being gay or trans, pushed a regulation to let health care providers refuse services to people who are LGTBQ+, and banned trans people from serving their country in the military. I fully understand that some of you want a nominee who is more progressive. For others the idea of voting for a Democrat of any kind may be a hurdle. Now I have another confession to make. Biden wasn’t my first choice when the primaries started. But I know what is at stake, and Joe Biden will be everyone’s president if elected. If you are planning to cast a symbolic vote or abstain from voting altogether, please reconsider.”

While Daddy is adjusting his Little Rudy on film while his daughter is standing for America.

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I Didn't Say It ....

Kyle Kurdziolek, a student and football player at the University of St. Francis, coming out as gay:

“I feel so relieved now, like, I’m so happy about the person I am today, just being able to get that off my chest and feel comfortable about who I am. I don’t have to hide behind this mask anymore, I don’t have to conform to some norm anymore. I can be Kyle Kurdziolek, I can be who I want to be and without no restrictions.”

Again, isn’t that what we all want ... to be ourselves?

And how anyone can be offended by that is beyond me.

Welcome out, Kyle, and please accept, as our Coming Out gifts, a copy of The Gay Agenda and the Obligatory Coming Out Toaster Oven.

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Dan Rather, on _____ and the building resistance:

"For all who excused Mr. _____’s rhetoric in the campaign as just talk, the reckoning has come. I hope it isn’t true, but I fear Mr. _____ is nearing or perhaps already beyond any hope of redemption. And now the question is will enough pressure be turned to all those who enable his antics with their tacit encouragement. There has been a wall of unbending support from virtually every Republican in Congress, and even some Democrats. Among many people, this will be seen as anything approaching acceptable. And mind you, talk is cheap. No one needs to hear how you don’t agree with the President. What are you going to do about it? Do you maintain that an Administration that seeks to subvert the protections of our Constitution is fit to rule unchecked? Or fit to rule at all?”

Talk is cheap, Democrats ... and to those few Republicans yet to drink the Kool-Aid.

Do something, or you’ll find yourselves out of a job, too.

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Seth Meyers, on Hair Furor pulling those Obama-era guidelines instructing schools allowing transgender students to use the bathroom in accordance with their gender identity:

“Hey! What are you doing? As I understand it, you were elected to bring jobs back to the U.S. Now you don’t want to let transgender kids use the bathroom of the gender they identify with? Do you think that’s why the auto industry went to Mexico? For the bathrooms? First you demonize Muslims, then immigrants, and now the transgender community. Hey, just because you want to bring back coal mining doesn’t mean you have to bring back everything from the 1800s. And hey! During the election, you told the LGBT community that — and I quote — ‘I will fight for you.’ Did you not mean to include the word ‘for’? There’s apparently this fear that transgender kids are using [these rights] as a ruse to sneak into restrooms and grab people by the genitals, but if you’re looking for the kind of person who would do that, you need to look no further than the Oval Office. Melania, I know you wanted to work on an anti-bullying campaign, and now I know where you can start!”

Sometimes it’s the comics who speak the truth, and now it’s our job to run with it.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders, _____ Deputy White House Press Secretary, on This Week with George Stephanopoulos explaining why _____ won’t attend the Correspondent’s Dinner:

“George, I think it’s safe to say I think we all spend enough time around each other as it is. But, look, this wasn’t a president that was elected to spend his time with reporters and celebrities, this is a president who campaigned on speaking directly to Americans, and that’s what he’s going to spend his time doing. I think it’s — kind of naive of us to think that we can all walk into a room for a couple of hours and pretend that some of that tension isn’t there. You know, one of the things we say in the south if a Girl Scout egged your house, would you buy cookies from her? I think that this is a pretty similar scenario. There’s no reason for him to go in and sit and pretend like this is going to be just another Saturday night.”

Oh Sarah, you ignorant tool. You are speaking for a man who runs to the press every chance he gets, who tosses his own eggs at the media and is now running scared. Too bad, so sad; but what will be great is the level of high-larity aimed at _____ while he sits at home Mean Tweeting during the dinner.

If he can’t handle the heat, get out of the White House.

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Jon Stewart, with Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, on _____’s relationship with the media.

"Trump lies more in one press conference than CNN does in a year — and that's coming from a guy who hates CNN. You wanna know how I know how? Because he constantly says the phrase 'believe me.' Nobody says 'believe me' unless they are lying."

True dat.

And then factor in that the instant _____ says anything fact-checkers prove, prove, he’s lying.

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