Why Is It ...

… that adulthood is the most annoying hood I’ve ever lived in?

… that when I hear the words “take out” I think food, dating and murder, but not necessarily in that order?

… that I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999 but I kinda want to go grocery shopping like it’s 1999?

… that the Bible says “Love thy neighbor”—it’s literally a Commandment—and yet so many so-called “Christians” conveniently ignore that part?

… that drag queens and trans youth aren’t the ones shooting up bowling alleys and schools, but instead it’s straight white men?

… that people ask me if I snowboard when everyone knows I only charcutier board?

… that sometimes I think my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut?

… that in order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion?

… that some people call it multi-tasking while I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place?

Why Is It ...

… that I feel like everything happens for a reason, and sometimes think the reason is because I’m dumb and make bad choices?

… that I forget someone’s name about ten seconds after meeting them?

… that I make plans and then instantly regret making plans?

… that I felt the need to sage my home against some bad juju and the next morning I woke up outside?

… that since I found out make-up sex was better than regular sex, all I do is start shiz?

… that you can stick the word ‘absolute’ in front of literally any noun and make up a top-notch insult, you absolute carrot.

… that I am 100% sure my last words will be, “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

The World Is A Little Less Funny Today ... RIP Don Rickles

I was a huge Don Rickles fan. I mean, come on, I'm sarcastic as hell and love to make fun of people ... in a kind way, I like to think ::::cough:::: and so I loved his wit and his comebacks; I love not being politically correct all the time and I love saying things just to get a rise out of people.

Rickles died yesterday at age 90 and I am sure he was giving a zinger right up to the last minute ...

“Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.”

 “Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.”

“Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.”

“I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.”

“When you enter a room, you have to kiss [Sinatra’s] ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.”

“Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.”

“The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.”

"You don’t have to call me 'sir' ... King of All Jews is enough." 

“You know, every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!”

“Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?”

"If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny, there is a difference between an actual insult and just having fun."

"You throw your best punch—otherwise, don't do it."

"My Jewish wife was supposed to come with me today, but she couldn't get off the bed ... the jewelry was too heavy."

"Is that your wife, sir? Jesus... what was it, a train?" 

“Clint, I’m sorry, but I just gotta say what’s on everybody’s mind here tonight: You’re a terrible actor.” 

"It's sweet of you, Dave [Letterman] — I know your busy schedule of going to the bank and trying to figure out what the hell you do." 

“Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.”

 “They warned me what a serious guy De Niro is. … They warned me not to make jokes. So the third day of shooting, I looked him straight in the face and told him: ‘I can’t work with you. You can’t act.’ The guy fell on the floor. He didn’t stop laughing for 18 weeks. Scorsese fell on the floor, too, but he’s so small we couldn’t find him.”

“Marty [Scorcese] … somebody get a phone book so you can see me. Forty million jobs in show business, I got a midget to direct me.” 

“No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.”

“Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.”

RIP Don

And thanks for the laughs.

Sprint Calls Man "Sissyboy Kelvin Gay Matthews" But That's Not Why I'm Mad

Over the weekend, Kelvin Matthews, a straight, married man — which, in my mind makes no difference to this story but we’ll get to that — was on the phone with Sprint's customer service department to discuss an account he thought was closed. He’d forgotten his password and the representative said they’d send a new one in an email.

That email was addressed to "Sissyboy Kelvin Gay Matthews."

Why? No one knows, but, as anyone would and should do, Matthews contacted Sprint again; the manager with whom he spoke was shocked, and told him "She couldn't believe it." Sprint, however, did release a statement:

"We have apologized to Mr. Mathews and deeply regret what happened over the weekend. Mr. Mathews should never have received this email from our representative. We have dealt with that employee appropriately."

Hopefully that means the idiot at Sprint who thought s/he was being funny or cute is now in the unemployment line, but, I have other issues with this story.

While I feel sorry for Kelvin Matthews because when you contact a business you should be treated with respect; Sir or madam … Mister, Miss, Missus … you should not be called names, ever … but, and ain’t there always a 'but,' I am offended by the way Matthews has responded to this story.

Matthews, who contacted the media to share his tale, told NBC News that he isn't gay, but even if he was, the salutation would have been unacceptable. And he’s right about that, but … Oh Baby Jeebus, another ‘but’ … Matthews also told NBC:

"I don’t live a homosexual life, I never gave Sprint anything to go on and think that, and even if I did, I don’t think it would be fair to say this on my account."

And there's my issue: I find it annoying that he’s so upset at being called ‘gay’ like it’s such a horrible thing to be called. I mean, his anger isn’t so much at the disrespect of the Sprint employee who changed the automated salutation of the email, but at the fact that he was called gay even though, as he says, he never gave anyone anything to go on to make them think he was gay. In other words, he didn't "act" or "sound" gay, whatever that means.

Look, I’d be pissed off if I was dealing with some company and the email they sent me called me a ‘gay sissyboy,’ but not because I was being called gay, but because it’s rude. Matthews has a right to be offended, but he should be offended at the disrespect, not the name, because, to me, he’s perpetuating the idea that the worst thing you could be called is gay.

It ain’t.

Sidenote: Despite Sprint's offer to open a new account with a free iPhone and two months of complementary service, Matthews says he won't be a Sprint customer again. 

via The Advocate