It's Snarkurday!

I have been enjoying Seasons 1 and 2 of Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath because I love the fact that she’s exposing the Cult of Scientology for all its evil. And I especially enjoyed when Remini, Scientology’s Public Enemy #1, took part in a Reddit AMA about her show and, well, went Cruising ...

See, Leah was asked by a Reddit user if Cruise, with whom she used to be friends when she was brainwashed, was a “good person” and she did not hold back:

“No! Just going to get straight to it, no! There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you and is an attentive person to you and there’s the person behind the mask who is a completely different person.”

And she wasn’t done:

“Someone could say we all have that—what we are to the public and who we are behind the scenes, but the people who are around Tom and work for Tom, not even people who are Scientologists, they will say he is diabolical.”

Leah goes on about the Special Relationship between Tiny Tom and his BFF, Scientology tyrant, David Miscavige, are virtually twins separated at birth: pretty much indistinguishable from one another.

“He’s very similar to David Miscavige, they could be twins.”

And that chapped the hides of Scientologists around the world because you never go after Cash Cow Cruise, and they issued this statement:

“Leah Remini has been obsessed with the leader of the Scientology religion and with Mr. Cruise for years, ever since she made a scene at Mr. Cruise’s wedding when she couldn’t get the seat she wanted. Remini is only commenting on these two prominent individuals to generate media coverage for herself and her hate campaign. Remini is bent on inciting hate and bigotry against a worldwide religion and its parishioners and she will stop at nothing to grab attention.”

Except she rarely speaks of Tommy; she mostly talks about a church that forces women to have abortions, that separates children from their parents, that encourages Scientologists to cut off their non-CoS friends and family, a cult that is so strongly anti-psychiatry that when its own members become so depressed and suicidal, the “church” looks the other way and then tries to cover up the death afterwards.

That’s not a church; even the Catholic Church isn’t that vile. Think of it this way: the Church of Scientology says it’s here to “clear” the planet and make life better for everyone, but, ask yourself, what exactly have they done?

Cue ::::crickets:::: so I am all Team Leah and her exposé on CoS and Cruise, too.

I love seeing hypocrites squirm.

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You know that feeling you get when you receive a letter from the IRS and know they’re coming for you because you forgot to pay 27-cents on last year’s tax bill? Well, try being Mary J. Blige and being told you owe millions in taxes, on top of the news from a judge that she has to pay her ex-husband, Kendu, $30,000 a month.

But ... is this IRS bill a fact or just a ploy being used by Blige and her attorneys to avoid paying spousal support, because when it comes to getting coins, the ex-husband will always take a back seat to Uncle Sam.

See, Mary is claiming she cannot pay her ex any money because, ahem, she owns two “unrentable” houses—one an “eight-bedroom, ten-bathroom New Jersey mansion” and another place she calls “boarded up” and in a “state of disrepair”—and that she experienced a “large reduction” in her royalty payments in 2016.

Sidenote: Get it that Mary J. Blige owns at least two homes in which she does not live and makes some $326,923 a month in earnings and royalties from her production company.

Life isn’t so hard, Mary, you just want to keep your coins, eh, girl?

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Last May, hottie actor and sweatpants model—if you’ve seen The Leftovers you’ll get that reference—Justin Theroux filed a $350,000 dollar lawsuit against his neighbor, lawyer Norman Resnicow, with whom he’s been feuding for decades, and so this week, Resnicow filed a counter-suit filled with “get off my lawn” old man-isms. Resnicow’s suit is in answer to claims Theroux made, and he ALLEGES Justin’s take on the brouhaha is “as fictional as the television series in which he recently starred.”

So, let’s dig in to the petty ... as in when Justin filed suit claiming that Resnicow killed some ivy growing on a terrace and then cut off the power and electricity to Justin’s home. Ivy killer? Ivy? Or, is it that Resnicow says he’s been living in hell from the endless noise of decades of renovations being made to Justin’s apartment and the ALLEGATION that Theroux of “deliberately” dropped heavy workout weights on the floor.” Well, maybe Justin and the missus, Jen Aniston, that is, are banging each other extra joyfully? But when Resnicow put a note under Theroux’s door complaining about the noise he got no response and so ... lawsuits.

One particularly interesting bit is Old Man Resnicow’s claim that Theroux once asked him “to handle—on a discreet basis—the exiting of Theroux’s longtime live-in girlfriend from his apartment because Theroux had broken up with her and was living in a hotel.”

Wait, what? Is Norman supposed to escort Justin’s leftovers—see what I did there—from the apartment when Justin’s done with them? Poor Jennifer; I imagine Norman will roll her up in an Oriental rug and slide her down an elevator shaft at some point.

Resnicow also claims to have suffered through “years of endless day and night barking, yowling and crying of the several rescue dogs Theroux left for several years in the apartment after he de-camped for California.”

Seriously? Dogs left unattended in an apartment for several years? Norman, honey, switch to decaf and get a hobby.

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Mariah Carey is was a singer extraordinaire, a diva and a legend her own mind but never, ever, have we described Mimi as a dancer ... she’s more of a stander, and a person who moves, or is moved, over there. But, back in the day, she did at least try and move while singing, until she became this stand-in-one-place-and-have-dancers-dance-around-her-or-move-her across the stage manually. So, why, Mimi? Why the lack of movement? Hooker heels too high? Bathing suit costumes too tight? Nope; according to her former choreographer, Anthony Burrell, Mimi has simply no more f**ks to give about dancing:

“It’s just typical Mariah. Mariah is clear: when she doesn’t wanna do something, she doesn’t do it. She’s performing with lackluster [effort] and no f**ks given, and it’s taking away her star.”​

Burrell says he spent years trying to make Mariah comfortable onstage, not just a singer, but an all-around performer:

“Working with an artist like Mariah, who’s not a mover first, it’s always a challenge to get them to think physically and not just vocally. You always have to keep in mind that they’re a singer first. The priority is not teaching them 100 counts of 8, or endless routines. I wanted to give Mariah a modern push to revamp her, give her a fresher, more modern feel, make her more aware of her body and her lines, and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking.”

That last line—“and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking”—gives me life. Though I think Burrell might have had better luck if he just had one of Mimi’s back-up dancers sprinkle Skittles along the stage; that way she’d be moving to find them, or skidding on them and falling down.

But at least we’d have movement.

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If you ever wanted to have a Made For TV relationship, and have it blow up in your face, take a page from “Sock Maker” Rob Kardastrophe and his ex-Baby Mama and former stripper, Blac Chyna.

Since their relationship and TV show are over, the couple is mostly battling online about property, money ... oh, and custody of their baby Kream Dream.

Rob, who used the internet to get revenge on Chyna by posting explicit pictures of her without permission, and probably compensation, and Chyna recently met with lawyers and that’s when he accused her of trying to steal his car.

See, Chyna, and her team of five lawyers—because that’s what it takes for strippers to divorce footwear kings, went to Rob and his lawyer’s office and fought about who did what and for whom and for how long and how much money that means and will it be on TV, to no avail.

And, while Chyna was leaving, Rob hid out in a hallway to avoid seeing her and that’s when she ALLEGEDLY tried to get into his Range Rover and speed off ... until her lawyers reminded her that grand theft auto doesn’t play well in a child custody suit.

But, Chyna insisted that the Range Rover was hers because Rob ... and remember, he makes socks ... gave it to her along with a Ferrari and a Lamborghini; she says those cars were returned and the Range Rover should have gone back to so she could get some of the leasing coins in her bank account.

Seriously; this is all stuff made for TV and yet even That Woman can’t secure a filming deal for these two losers.

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Remember when Hillary Clinton called _____ supporters a “bag of deplorables” and the deplorables went nuts? Well, maybe she didn’t mean them, but meant the deplorables, and wives of deplorables, in _____’s administration.

See, there’s this “actress,” Louise Linton, who is married to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, who is filthy rich because he’s a Wall Street Thief, and Louise likes to flaunt their wealth every chance she gets.

And she did that when she posted an Instagram last week of herself and Mnuchin disembarking a taxpayer-funded plane in Kentucky. In the photo Linton tagged all of the designer labels she wore ... #Valentino ... #RolandMouret ... #TomFord ... #Hermesscarf ... etc. And then someone called “Jenny M” called Linton out for her ridiculousness:

“Glad we could pay for your little getaway. #deplorable”

Louise—a real C_U_Next_Tuesday—went off on Jenny, after finding Jenny’s account and looking through her photos of her family and children, because how dare a commoner come for her:

“@Jennimiller29 cute!….Aw!! Did you think this was a personal trip?! Adorable! Do you think the US govt paid for our honeymoon or personal travel?! Lololol. Have you given more to the economy than me and my husband? Either as an individual earner in taxes OR in self sacrifice to your country? I’m pretty sure we paid more taxes toward our day “trip” than you did. Pretty sure the amount we sacrifice per year is a lot more than you’d be willing to sacrifice if the choice was yours. You’re adorably out of touch. Thanks for the passive aggressive nasty comment. Your kids look very cute. Your life looks cute. I know you’re mad but deep down you’re really nice and so am I. Sending me passive aggressive Instagram comments isn’t going to make life feel better. Maybe a nice message, one filled with wisdom and hunanity [SIC] would get more traction. Have a pleasant evening. Go chill out and watch the new game of thrones. It’s fab!”

Of course, the internet sided with Jenny and suddenly Louise was all apologetic:

“I apologize for my post on social media yesterday as well as my response. It was inappropriate and highly insensitive.”

And that falls under the category of Too Little, Too Late because now a government watchdog group—Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington [CREW]—is looking into the Mnuchin’s use of a government plane for their ‘daytrip’ to Kentucky:

“The requested records would shed light on the justification for Secretary Mnuchin’s use of a government plane, rather than a commercial flight, for a trip that seems to have been planned around the solar eclipse and to enable the Secretary to secure a viewpoint in the path of the eclipse’s totality. At a time of expected deep cuts to the federal budget, the taxpayers have a significant interest in learning the extent to which Secretary Mnuchin has used government planes for travel in lieu of commercial planes, and the justification for that use.”

Yup, they used a government plane and your money to go to Kentucky to look at the sun.

But Linton probably doesn’t give a whit about any watchdog group, so designers Valentino and Tom Ford are hitting back, and smacking down Linton for what she did and for using their names in her little ego-driving Instagram account.

And you just know that irks Louise “Let them eat cake” Linton more than anything.

Deplorable.

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Looks like Tina is after Gwyneth Paltrow. No, not Tina Knowles, or Xtina, or even Tina Yothers—Goddess I’m old—but TINA, AKA Truth In Advertising.

While GOOP, Gwyneth’s emporium of jade eggs, vaginal steamers and $900 t-shirts, is the most ridiculous site on the web, it wasn’t until this week that TINA took notice and issued an admonishment. See, Tina doesn’t like GOOP’s goods, nor does she like GOOP’s medical advice like, you remember, Earthing ...

Now, GOOP maintains, either expressly or implicitly, that its products and its promotions can treat, cure, prevent, alleviate the symptoms of, or reduce the risk of developing, any number of ailments.  But, as TINA notes, GOOP does not have any competent and reliable scientific evidence ... required by law ... to backup their claims.

Oh TINA, are you new here, because I’ve know that since Paltrow tried to get women to Stanley Steamer their cooches or deposit jade eggs up their hoohaws.

Well, for her part, TINA did reach out to GOOP and allow them time to explain themselves, but after eleven days of silence, TINA filed a complaint with the California Food, Drug, and Medical Device Task Force.  And that’s when GOOP pooped out a response:

“We responded promptly and in good faith to the initial outreach from representatives of TINA and hoped to engage with them to address their concerns. Unfortunately, they provided limited information and made threats under arbitrary deadlines which were not reasonable under the circumstances.”

Notice they didn’t say that TINA was wrong in its claims.

Paltrow has yet to respond because she’s busy boiling the public hair of virgins, oils from the scalps of newborn babies, kitten claws, and fresh mint—because it smells pretty—in a cauldron somewhere in the Middle East hoping to cure anal warts.

Or something.

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It’s hard to go from media whores to nobodies, so what can a once-famous-for-nothing-more-than-birthing-a-slew-of-babies ex-couple do for attention? Call the cops.

Apparently, cops were called on Jon and Kate Gosselin twice in the past month after the two reality whores got into a screaming match while one of their children was at the dentist; and the fight wasn’t about the bill and who’d pay for it, no, the Gosselins fight over important stuff like which one of them would drive the kid home.

Seriously, Neo-Nazis are marching in the streets but the cops gotta work out which Gosselin runs the carpool that day?

The other time the cops were called for Gosselin Mayhem was on August 15th, when the idiot parents were fighting in a parking lot after Kate tried to yank their 13-year-old daughter Hannah from Jon’s car. Hannah didn’t want to get out, and tried to resist Mama’s Claws while Jon stood off to the side saying things like:

“Hold on. Hold on. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I can’t help you. Hold on. Hold on.”

This event lasted ... wait for it ... three hours, with police looking on and eventually calling an ambulance after Hannah said her arm was injured.

Again, the Klan is in the streets and we need police and medical teams to help Jon and Kate take care of their kids? I hope those kids wise up and get a lawyer to emancipate them from these horrid people.

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Speaking of Famewhores ...

I’m’a keep this short because even writing this little bit is giving me the dry heaves but ... hold on to those eclipse glasses ...

That Woman, AKA Porn Peddling Media Whore Kris Jenner, is so in love with her new thinner—Photoshopped?—body that she is looking for a high-end magazine to publish a nude photo shoot of her.

Field and Stream has yet to respond, but keep that eyewear handy in case Modern Dog takes That Woman up on her offer.

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

When last we left Leah Remini, she had defected from the Church of Fake Religion Scientology and was planning to write a book about the cult faith. Now comes word that members of the CoS are being, um, ordered advised to keep their distance from Remini, and that includes one John The Groper Travolta.

See, the good folks at CoS think that maybe someone else might escape and are worried that it might be big … I giggle … star Travolta who’s next to tie his toupees together and create a makeshift rope to climb over the walls, and they have ALLEGEDLY put him on a “tight leash.”

Methinks he might like that, but I digress.

Church authorities are working together to ensure that John Travolta doesn’t jump ship and at the 87th birthday celebration for Tony Bennett in LA recently, folks say John and his daughter, Ella Bleu, were being tailed by Scientology ‘minder’ Angie: “She spent most of the night aggressively staring at anyone John talked to,” recalls an eyewitness. “It was very uncomfortable, but John acted like it was normal.”

But Travolta ain’t leaving the building any time soon. I mean, he’s stayed through years of scandal and speculation regarding his proclivities with male masseurs, so this Remini dust-up won’t send him scampering off.

Still, folks say Ella Blue was fond of Remini and has no idea why she’s being told to distance herself from the actress; CoS members are routinely asked to “disconnect” from people who leave the church. Ella remains confused at the cruelty in cutting off Leah, so her parents decided to find a church minder for her.

Wow. What a lovely cult faith.

Hopefully Ella Bleu has bigger balls than either of her robot parents and she’ll defect as soon as she’s old enough.

The Brits apparently don’t want Americans buying their ‘stuff’ even at auction.

It seems Kelly Clarkson recently paid some $228,000 for a ring that once belonged to Jane Austen and people are so incensed about it that Britain basically forbidden her from taking her purchase out of the country; they’re hoping someone else, a Brit, perhaps, will outbid Kelly’s previously accepted bid and the ring will stay in the UK.

Britain’s Culture Minister Ed Vaizey has placed a temporary hold on the item, which will keep it on British soil until September 30; this hold will be extended to December 30 if a new buyer comes forward and intends to match Clarkson’s winning bid.

Here’s a thought Britain: if you wanna keep Jane’s jewels in the UK don’t put them up for sale? Eh?

Jennifer Lopez is finally putting all those American Idol rumors to rest. Well, not JLo who likes to turn everything into a media event for the press; well, everything except for those birthday parties she sings at for European despots and barbarians. Those she keeps secret.

But it JLo telling the tale of the AI return, it’s her oldest son, Casper Lopez, er, Smart. It seems Baby Boy Casper was promoting his new show — yes, ‘tis true … anyone can have a show on TV these days if you’re banging a media whore — when he was asked if his Mama JLo was coming back to Idol.

Casper took a beat, saw his chance, and said, “Yes.”

He won’t like it when he gets home to Mama; she don’t like folks telling her stories before she can spin it to make the most money possible.

So, Chris Brown has had a bad summer, hell, a bad few years. I mean, he was arrested for beating his girlfriend, he threw a chair out a window on GMA, he had a smackdown with Frank Ocean in a parking lot in LA and got a beat-down from Drake’s posse in NYC.

Then he had a seizure which he blamed on people who don’t like him and cried that American’s don’t ‘get’ his music — Oh, we get it, we just don’t want it — and now he’s gone a couple of rounds with a judge in California.

Chrissy was back in court recently to reinstate his probation — following the dropped charges on that weird hit-and-run incident — and the judge asked him if he ever completed his community service.

Brown who never met a lie he didn’t want to tell said, “Yeah.”

But then the judge was all, “Oh, no you d’i’n’t so now I’m’a give you a 1000 more hours.”

Brown was nabbed by submitting bogus community service reports — in one case even swearing he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was actually on a private jet to Cancun — so the judge revoked his probation and insisted he do more community service, like highway cleanup, beach cleanup, or graffiti cleanup.

So, if you’re out on the road and find Chris Brown in an orange vest bagging trash or scrubbing bridges, give the boy a Holla.

He’ll love it!

Katie Couric has pissed off Kash Kow Kardashian and the Kow’s response is kinda priceless.

Here’s what went down: Couric gave an interview to In Touch Weekly in which she was asked about the Kardastrophes and she said, “I don’t understand—why are they so famous? I think it’s mostly teenage girls that are interested.” 

That’s not so bad, really, I mean I said worse things about those Media Whores just today, but I don’t have a TV show that I’m trying to save by booking big-assed named guests like Katie.

So, Couric ate some crow and sent Kim and Kanye West a baby gift for baby Eastern Pacific — a pair of baby pajamas with a note that read “Dear Kim and Kanye, Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl! And may I humbly suggest you continue the K tradition. Fondly, Katie Couric.” 

Get it? Kim.Kanye.Katie. Kut!

But Kash Kow, who is alerted every time someone prints her name, saw the interview and then Instagrammed a picture of the gift with this hashtag:

 “#IHateFakeMediaFriends #MayIHumblySuggestYouNotSendGiftsThenTalkS—”

Snap.

In more Kardastrophe news, it’s official: Kanye is a Kardashian.

Mister I Hate The Media, Mister The Paparazzi Made Me Walk Into A Pole, Mister I Vant To Be Alone, just made an appearance on his Baby Mama’s Mama’s talk show.

It seems Kris Jenner, Mama Pimp to her whole clan, has a talk show that is ending its trial run and she was desperate to have one big name guest on to make herself seem important so she whored out Kanye.

Now, I didn’t see the show, though I saw clips and was struck by Kanye’s Gay Voice — perhaps a gift from his ALLEGED boyfriend Ricardo Tisci? I haven’t heard that many sibilant esses since my bike tire sprung a leak.

West taped his special interview and was said to have really brought it, hoping to keep Kris on TV and out of his life. He even let the show put up a photo of Baby Southwest Airlines. And he talked about being a daddy and being so in love with Kimmy that he thought about “playing sports”—two of Kash Kow’s exes are professional athletes, though I think when Kanye says “playing sports” he means playing with sports, in locker-rooms and showers.

Oh, Kanye, I never liked you before, but now you’re sinking fast into the Kardashian Kool-Aid.

Have you heard of Nick Gruber?

He’s a former gay porn star, and the former lover of one way gay Calvin Klein. And he’s quite the trainwreck, having spent more than one stay in rehab for drug abuse. But now, apparently, Nick has gotten himself a new agent, and he’s ready to move on from gay porn and gay boyfriends and, well, gay. Nick says he’s straight now.

I know!

And how does he prove he’s hetero-sekshul? He attends a Fire Island party given by gay porn star and filmmaker Michael Lucas at which he made a scene because someone grabbed his ass.

Lucas gave his account on, where else, Facebook:

"This weekend was "Ascension" - the biggest party of the summer on Fire Island. Every year I buy a large VIP tent that's up above the dance floor, where I invite my friends.

I saw this arrogant guy who was being rude to people, shoving two guys away after they bumped into him. I heard him say, "keep your hands away from me! I’m straight!" So I went over to him, and asked him why he was being so rude.

He said, 'I am straight, and I don't want any gay people to touch me.' At which point, I told him 'you're leaving.' He said, 'do you know who I am?' I said, 'I don't know, and I don't even want to know who you think you are.'

Then he said, 'try me.' I said 'watch me'. I called over to security and had him hauled away without his feet even touching the floor. Then someone explained to me that this is the ex boyfriend of Calvin Klein, Nick Gruber, who just 'came out' as 'straight.'"

Not surprisingly, Nick’s agent released a different version: “Nick was the guest of Hal Rubenstein and David Nichols and wasn't familiar with how these mass events work in terms of ‘areas’ and VIP areas. Nick overreacted when he was told to leave one area. He is sending a private apology to Mr. Lucas. It was Nick’s first time at Fire Island, and he was glad to be there with several friends and support the cause.”

He.Wasn’t.Familiar.With.Parties.Hosted.By.Gay.Porn.Directors?

On Fire-Freaking-Island?

Oh Nicky, you’re queer, dear. Get used to it.

And you’re also an idiot.

Kate Gosselin has officially jumped the shark; not literally, though, sad to say.

While she might be one of the most hated “reality” stars ever—only superseded by her Ed Hardy wearing, sleeping with teenage girls, ex-husband Jon—she has seemingly lost what little she has left of her mind.

Now she’s accusing her ex of being some kind of superspy who broke into her home and tapped her phones and stole her computer hard drive and accessed all of her accounts and then gave all the info to a nasty man, Robert Hoffman, who wrote a book called Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled The World. And she’s suing Jon because, well, she doesn’t have a job and no one wants to see her raggedy ass on TV.

Her suit ALLEGES: “After the couple was separated, Jon illegally hacked into Kate’s email account and her phone and bank accounts … Jon also stole a hard drive from Kate’s house, which contained private and confidential material. Jon then gave them the contents of Kate’s email account and the hard drive, all of which were acquired illegality, to his friend and business partner, tabloid reporter Robert Hoffman [who] used the illegally acquired data to publish a defamatory book about Kate.”

Seriously Kate?

Gosselin. Jon Gosselin. Doesn’t have the ring of Bond to it.

So, Beyoncé’s a big old diva. I mean, we know about her penchant for $500 straws and red toilet paper, but now she’s taken her diva-tude further asking that certain areas in venues where she performs be off limits to anyone but her.

That’s ALLEGEDLY what she did at V Festival last weekend, according to Travis frontman Fran Healy. The Glasgow band was on the same bill as Queen B as in Bitch and Fran says she turned parts of the backstage area into a no-go zone: “Beyoncé locked down the entire backstage area for an hour. Everyone was affected. You’d ask ‘Can I just go there?’ and they’d say ‘No. You can’t cross this little street’. Everyone was just following orders from the gang. I guess that’s how Americans do it but it’s not how we do it in the UK.”

And, he adds, “She was headlining the main stage and was half an hour late.

In addition, Beyoncé refused to let V Festival live stream her performance because she’s afraid of more Ugly Man Face pictures of herself being on the internet; you know, the ones where she makes those hideous faces while she grunts and, ALLEGELDY, sings?

Alec Baldwin and his wife, the fabulously named Hilaria, recently welcomed their baby into the Baldwin family, but being a new daddy hasn’t mellowed the pissy little TV star.

Walking on a street in NYC this week, Baldwin began shrieking at a photographer and accusing him of stalking Hilaria. Alec attacked the guy and bent him over a car and started hollering at him and now the NYPD is involved.

The photographer, after being assaulted by Baldwin, called the police to lodge a complaint and police have spoken to both sides, who now want to whole thing to go away.

I can understand Baldwin wanting it to go away, because it’s just another in a long string of violent behavior and verbal abuse he hurls at anyone he doesn’t like, but I wish just once a photographer would follow through.

I mean, if Baldwin hates having photographers trail him, imagine how many would be waiting outside the police station after he’s arrested.

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Original Recipe Lohan news:

It seems like the cracktress is really making a comeback. No, silly, not in prison, but in the movies and TV. First, there was a wobbly stint on Glee—albeit for about ten seconds—and then she was cast in the sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick, followed by a role in the soft-core porn film, The Canyon, and now she is set to appear in Scary Movie 5.

But, from what I hear is that it’s a cameo, which, you know, really means she’ll be playing someone who gets murdered during the opening credits. But, sources—Hey Dina!—say that, joining Lohan in SM5 will be none other than her male counterpart in the Crack Sweepstakes, Charlie Sheen—even though he was killed off in SM4.

The sequel opens right after Christmas next year. Too late for Oscar contention, but early enough for the Razzie Awards.

So, will Charlie kill Lohan, or will Lohan kill Charlie, or will the audience sufficiently kill both their careers?

Now on to some new Lohan2.0, aka Amanda Bynes.

To recap: She was arrested for DUI back in April when she hit a police car, and the following week she was driving while texting and drove over a curb. In May, she hit a car while trying to pass on the right and then acted like she had no idea what happened when the police stopped her--she was not charged for that incident. Then came the news that was missed when we learned that, also in April, Lohan2.0 had yet another hit-and-run and she wasn’t charged for that one because there were no witnesses to her drunk driving or text driving or just plain bad driving.

Now comes word that Bynes ALLEGEDLY rear-ended another car a week ago and, as is her habit, fled the scene. The woman she, ahem, ALLEGEDLY hit described her as a “hot mess” and said Bynes tried to downplay the damage and used her superhuman drunken powers to push her bumper back in place.

Word to the wise in LA: Bynes has a car, likes to party, loves to text; she is armed with a BMW and considered dangerous.

And stupid.

Oh Blister.

I thought she’d vanish once her horrendous “reality” show was moved from its peak place on Lifetime’s nightly schedule and sent to the after midnight slot, surrounded by Dance Mom reruns, but Blister, with no discernible skills—I think she gets that from her Mama Grizzly Bore—is set to be on “Dancing With The Stars: All Stars.”

First though, she may appear in court, because her Baby Daddy, the oh-so-intellectual-that-he-and-Blister-are-perfect-together, Levi Johnston, filed all the necessary paperwork for full custody of their son Tripp.

See, Levi is less than thrilled that wonderful mother, Blister, sorted and giggled on her TV show when four-year-old Tripp either called his homophobic Aunt Willow a faggot or a fucker. Levi thinks Blister is a terrible parent—Duh—so he wants the court to remove Tripp from her home.

A good move by the court would be to remove Blister and Levi from ever reproducing again.

What’s the deal with Travolta? I mean, that bad toupee is one thing, but the plastic surgery eyes and the, well, plastic looking face, are just hideous. Why doesn’t he take some time to stop looking like a Madame Tussauds wax figure and get his life together?

Oh, yeah, that pesky bag of lawsuits he’s facing for showing his, ahem, “bathing suit area” to a bunch of male masseurs and asking them to run their hands up his flagpole and his manhole.

He seems to think the focus on GroperGate is dying down, and has had his lawyer seek to have at least one of the civil cases filed against to be dismissed.

Travolta has filed papers claiming Fabian Zanzi—the man-rubbing worker—is lying and made the whole sordid story up. Back story: Zanzi claims Travolta exposed himself during a neck massage—a neck massage?—aboard a Royal Caribbean cruise and then offered to pay Zanzi $12,000 to keep quiet.

Zanzi didn’t, and actually produced a video detailing his allegations, so, while Travolta admits to being on the cruise, all that rubbing and touching and exposing is just a damn lie and he wants the suit dropped and he wants Zanzi to pay his attorney’s fees.

Oh Johnny, your lawyer is working 24/7 trying to keep you from losing your shirt, this one little case won’t make a difference. And, well, howsabout the next time you need a massage you ask your wife?

Jon and Kate.

Still hate ‘em, and thought they’d gone away for good, but now comes news that Jon Gosselin is bitching about his financial situation because, he says, he pays some $22,000 a month in support. And he’s having a tough time meeting his obligations and is afraid he’s going to jail for being all deadbeat and stuff.

Jon Gosselin: “I can’t afford to pay my rent, and the domestic-relations staff tell me they will put me in jail unless I pay child support. I am a single father who’s trying to make ends meet during a recession. What do I do – pay child support or rent? I need to support my kids, but I could lose my house, and I need my home to continue to have custody. I’m doing the best I can. But life is so expensive with eight kids!”

Ya think so, Jon?

And then he goes on to disparage his babies’ mama, and media whore ex-wife, Kate, and her desire to star in a reality dating show. “I think this is completely ridiculous! We have eight children, and they need us. She is putting reality TV and dating in front of the kids. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but Kate’s need to be famous is not one of them.”

He has a point, but that didn’t stop Kate, who never met a snippet of gossip upon which she didn’t want to hang her hat, says she dropped the requirements for support in April: “I read Jon’s statement….and was quite surprised to read that he claims to be struggling to keep his child support payments current. As of April 27, 2012, [I] voluntarily relieved Jon of all current and future child support obligations for their eight children.”

Why don’t these two realize the clock has moved far beyond the fifteen minute mark and just go away? And maybe find real jobs and save some real money because I know at least eight kids who are gonna need to see a shrink as they grow up as the center of Hurricane Dysfunction.

So, little Miley Cyrus is all grown up and engaged and stuff.

May not last long because she ALLEGEDLY will not give her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth, any space at all. She is apparently hanging around the set of his new movie, the aptly titles, Paranoia, and will also be a regular fixture on the Catching Fire set this fall as well.

See, Miley is worried about Liam’s costar, the bisexually promiscuous—she left her girlfriend for Johnny Depp and then dropped the Depp for another woman—Amber Heard. Heard has quite the reputation for hooking up with her male co-stars. To set the ground rules, Miley arranged a quiet dinner for three, with Liam and Amber, so she could send Amber some subtle signals to leave her man alone.  But, um, yeah, that backfired when Amber ALLEGEDLY started hitting on Miley instead of Liam.

That must have been one uncomfortable dinner.

Still, Miley is said to be purely hetero, but, um, well, Miley is also a bit of a self-promoter, and wouldn’t a little Lesbian fling add to her street cred, and maybe give her film career a little boost? I mean, her last film, the also aptly named, LOL, was a direct to DVD d-i-saster.

Nothing a Lesbian affair couldn’t fix, eh?

First things first: I love Christina Aguilera. Girl has a powerful voice, even when she takes on a twelve minute run of screeches and squawks. So, I’m a fan.

And, well, as we all know, she has the reputation, these days, of loving the booze and the fired foods, as evidenced by her bloated face, and ginormous ass—often seen in stretched-to-the-limit body suits on The Voice—but, I’ll give her some slack.

Or maybe not. See, this story makes me wanna giggle like a schoolgirl. It seems that Aguilera. Has been named “the voice” of a new charity campaign for Yum! Brands World Hunger Relief. Let’s stop: Christina Aguilera. World Hunger.

I mean, is she gonna feed herself to the world?

Ain’t enough ranch dressing on the planet.

Sharon Osbourne has announced that she is leaving America’s Got Talent and not because she has that other gig, on The View, or The Talk, or Whatever.

No, it seems Osbourne is leaving the NBC show because she says that NBC fired her son, Jack, from a new show, Stars Earn Stripes, right after Jack announced he had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Jack says he “had just booked a job, right when I got diagnosed, and unfortunately the company that hired me didn’t think I could actually perform the job. At not one point did anyone ever call and ask me. It was all through agents and lawyers.”

He was let go via email, and Mama Osbourne isn’t happy.

But the moment Sharon said she was leaving AGT because of what NBC did about Jack’s MS—lor4dyu all those initial—NBC issued a statement that Jack’s upcoming role on the show was not confirmed and that they offered him other positions that he turned down.

Except, however, and for whatever reason, it is true that NBC fired Jack by e-mail two days before he was to report to work, and then lied about it to the press.

Sharon: “I just can’t be fake. It’s discrimination, and it was badly handled. It’s time to move on,” she said.

Sharon Osbourne remains under contract, but says, “They can’t make me do something I don’t want to do. All they can do is stop me from being a judge on another network for five years.”

Big deal. You don’t treat a Mama Bear’s son like that and expect her to just lie down and take.

Not Sharon Osbourne, she doesn’t give a Flying F.

And now onto an awful mother.

Oh Kris Jenner, there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do to promote your kids and fill your bank account.

Jenner is everywhere, doing press for “Keeping up with The Kardashians,” and talking up her marriage problems. On her, ahem “show,” she recently had, um, “run in” with a man she cheated on her last husband with 20 years ago and then basically bragged about in her book.

Because cheating is fun, you know, if it sells books and keeps your fat ass on TV.

But now Kash Kow’s ex, or soon-to-be ex, Kris Humphries, is claiming that not only did Kris Jenner direct the Kash Kow to make that infamous sex tape that jump started her career as a media whore, Kris Jenner also had Kash Kow “reshoot” it to make it better.

Now, whether or not she’s a porn director for her daughter, the truth does seem to say that Kris worked as a “middleman” to make sure Kash Kow earned top dollar for that video.

But really, a pimp or a porn director. What’s the difference?

Well, the difference is that a good mother would be neither one of those things to their own child, but Kris Jenner isn’t a good mother.

A good pump, yes.