It's Snarkurday!

So it took years, longer than they were married, in fact, for Bethenny Frankel, of the Real Housewives New York,  and Jason Hoppy to finalize their divorce because she had a lot of money and he wanted a lot of money, but it appears that the divorce decree didn’t stop the madness.

Hoppy was arrested last Friday and charged with harassing and stalking  Frankel after he ALLEGEDLY—though there are witnesses—showed up to their 6-year-old daughter’s school and screamed at his ex:

“I will destroy you.”

Now that’s a line that nearly ever Real Housewife has uttered so maybe Hoppy’s auditioning for the show since his coins have stopped rolling in?

And it appears that this isn’t the first time Hoppy got hoppin’ mad; last Fall, Frankel’s current man, Dennis Shields, got his lawyers to serve Hoppy with a cease and desist after Hoppy sent out a bunch of craycray emails to both Frankel and Shields.

Hoppy gave the cease-and-desist no mind and kept on emailing the ex and when that garnered no reaction, he followed her to their daughter’s school and went all Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan on Frankel’s ass and that’s when police snatched him up.

Sadly, Hoppy then asked Frankel for bail money, I think, because he has no more money.

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The Grammy Awards are down three stars! Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Drake aren’t coming.

We know Kanye isn’t coming because he’s a big ass baby.

Justin is staying at his crib—and by crib, I mean an actual crib—because the Grammy’s don’t recognize no-talent losers; he worded it differently, as in the Grammy’s don’t recognize “young talent”, but I paraphrased for you.

Drake isn’t coming because JLo grounded him after the pictures of his date with the porn star surfaced.

So sad that these three won’t be there because ... oh who cares, it’ll be a better show without them.

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Azealia Banks, former rapper and now professional malcontent, has tried to up her relevance by taking to Twitter to approve of _____’s Muslim ban; if _____ had only offered up a Banks ban, I would’a been all over it and stayed at the airport waving goodbye to both Tyra and Azealia.

It started on Twitter when Rihanna announced that she was sickened by _____’s ban:

“Disgusted! The news is devastating! America is being ruined right before our eyes! What an immoral pig you have to be to implement such BS!!”

Azealia saw that and figured she had nothing better to do—she has no career to speak of, unless acting the fool is a job—responded with:

“As far as Rihanna (who isn’t a citizen, and can’t vote) and all the rest of the celebrities who are using their influence to stir the public, you lot really REALLY need to shut up and sit down. Stop chastising the president. It’s stupid and pathetic to watch. All of these confused people confuse other confused people.”

RiRi and Azealia went back and forth, with Banks accused Rihanna of f**king for drugs and tracks.

Then RiRi Tweeted a screen shot of a text that Azealia sent her, exposing Azealia’s phone number, and Azealia returned the favor.

Seriously? Azealia Banks has Rihanna’s phone number? Girl? Scrub that phone because no one needs crazy trying to text them.

I mean, first Chris Brown and now Azealia Banks?

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Robin “One Plagiarized Hit Wonder” Thicke and Paula Patton’s custody fight is ugly. She accused him of physically abusing her and their 6-year-old son, and was awarded temporary custody of the boy, and was granted a restraining order against Robin. 

But even after that victory, Patton then accused Thicke of being a cokehead and violent, cheating douche ... well, the accusation of being a cheat is valid, but the drug abuse is all ALLEGATION.

But, Paula says that Robin actually invited his drug dealer to his son’s 5th birthday party, though nothing happened like Robin didn’t offer coke to five-year-olds instead of offering Coke™ to five-year-olds.

Paula also claims Robin’s manager quit in 2009 because his drug use was out of control, and that the drug abuse messed with his ability to cheat on her.

Huh? Paula says that on Valentine’s Day 2013, she and Robin had sex Chateau Marmont and then later that same night he tried to f**k some girl in the other bedroom of their suite while she was asleep:

“When I confronted Robin about this, he admitted to attempting to have sex with the stranger, but stated that he ended up being unable to do so because of the amount of cocaine that he used that evening had caused him to be unable to perform.”

Paula says Robin admitted to having unprotected sex with seven women causing her to be tested for STDs.

Paula also claims that after the 2013 MTV VMAs, she came back to their hotel to find Robin in bed with two naked women.

Paula says that while Robin was getting a massage at their home in 2013, she noticed he was hitting on the massage therapist.  When she caught him, he became verbally abusive and she fled to another room; he chased her down and broke the door down.

Paula says, Paula claims. Paula needs to keep her mess out of the news and think about her little boy one day reading all the nasty things she says Daddy did, be they true or not.

Take a breath, Paula, and ask the judge to seal all the court documents.

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It’s long been ALLEGED that Kevin Spacey is a Friend of Dorothy ... that he could have a show on Bravo ... that he’s a homo and now comes this bizarre take.

On his Instagram page, George Stults, who was on 7th Heaven, posted a picture of Kevin posing near Sunset Strip bar Rock & Reilly’s and George reminisced about IT LIKE THIS:

“Love to see the very first man to hit on me in Hollywood supporting @rockandreillys we intimately met while @geoffmstults were catering the premier for the fight club. #ididnotdropthesoap #hicuteboy @rae0890”

Huh? The ALLEGED reminiscence was accompanied by a middle finger emoji. 

So, Kevin Spacey hit on a cater waiter? That’s tacky. Everyone knows that in Hollywood you hit on bartenders or masseurs.

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It costs a ton to make Ben Affleck happy and when you lose all that money what do you do?

Affleck’s Live By Night was his directorial follow-up to the Oscar-winning Argo but Live By Night was a mess and literally bombed at the box office but ...

... because Affleck’s Batman v. Superman made a ton of money, and The Accountant also did well, Warner Bros gave Affleck $65 million to make Live By Night, plus another ten million to promote it and now it seems like Warner’s will be taking a $75 million dollar loss because they wanted to keep Affleck happy.

Look, if you wanna keep Affleck happy give him a case of scotch, a deck of cards and a stripper. Surely that wouldn’t have set Warner’s back seventy-five million.

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It appears that the Made-For-TV Relationship of Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton might have run its course, and that now Blake is trying Boot Scootin’ Boogie his way away from Gwen.

Shelton’s Doing It To Country Songs tour starts this month and runs through September and he ALLEGEDLY doesn’t want Gwen to tag along. He’s tried to tell her that she would be bored if she came along and I kinda believe that; I mean, seeing Blake Shelton even once in concert might tempt me to hurl myself off a freeway overpass, but seeing him live for eight months?

Child, please.

This could be true, or it could be false, but given that Gwen and Blake have created this relationship on stunts, I’m thinking maybe the ardor has cooled.

But that could be a bonus, because they could each release new albums of sad songs about how their Made-For-TV love didn’t last.

And, again, I’m bored.

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For well over a year. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have been at war about money and things and control.

Amber finally won earlier this year when a judge finalized their divorce and ordered Johnny to cough up the seven million bucks he owes.

But will he? I mean, now there are all kinds of stories about Depp and his money troubles.

After selling off artwork and property and then nickel-and-diming Amber over the settlement, Depp’s Second String of lawyers filed suit against his managers at The Management Group [TMG]. Depp accused them grossly mismanaging his money and basically losing tens of millions of dollars on bad investments and overbilling.

Gurl, please; TMG is not playing and they have countersued and provided details of their countersuit saying that Johnny Depp has a long history of extravagant spending on staff, real estate—he owns some fourteen properties around the world—and other things.

While Depp claims that TMG collected $28 million in contingent fees he never agreed to, consistently failed to file or pay his taxes, failed to keep proper books and loaned nearly $10 million of his money to third parties without authorization, TMG countered with this:

“Depp lived an ultra-extravagant lifestyle that often knowingly cost Depp in excess of $2 million per month to maintain, which he simply could not afford. Depp, and Depp alone, is fully responsible for any financial turmoil he finds himself in today.”

Among the examples of excess:

$75 million spent on 14 residences

$18 million spent on a luxury yacht

$30,000 per month spent on wine

$3 million to blast the ashes of author Hunter Thompson from a specially-made cannon over Aspen.

Seriously? $30,000 a month on wine? Is that bad?

Asking for a friend.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Newly divorced Papa Joe Simpson, father to celebrated weightwatcher Jessica, and celebrated lip-syncer Ashlee, spent his 56th birthday on Miami's South Beach with handsome, decade’s younger, male model Jonathan Keith.

Joe, whose actual birthday was February 18, played amateur photographer, snapping picture after picture of the 21-year-old shirtless Keith lying in the sand, or emerging dripping wet from the surf. Then the pair reclined side-by-side in the sun while Papa Joe, a former minister, was snapped smoking an unknown substance from a vaporizer-type device.

Simpson was quick to shoot down speculation that he and the much-younger model were romantically involved:

 More mis-information in the news. The guy in the pics is my modeling Client. He was in Miami taking agency meetings. That's it!!"

Okay, so your client is in town for meetings, but he spends the day sunbathing with you and posing provocatively on the sand? I thought photographers took the pictures and agents took the meetings?

Methinks Joe doth protest too much, or maybe he’s just embarrassed at having a boy toy young enough to be his son.

Just sayin’.

So, Miley Cyrus has taken her Bangerz on tour; and by Bangerz I mean her new music, not her tongue or her breasts which she loves to expose at the drop of a paycheck.

Miley spent her time onstage twerking in a thong, singing some, playing a Monica Lewinsky type while giving a stage blow job to a Bill Clinton type — how au currant, riding a hot dog, simulating masturbation, wearing a Pot Print leotard and generally begging for attention.

And now parents are in an uproar because their prepubescent teens, whom the parents bought the tickets for, and who drive the kids to the shows, are crying foul. Many are demanding their money back because they never expected Miley — known more lately for rubbing a foam finger on Robin Thicke’s crotch and simulating anal sex onstage — to be so vulgar.

Uh huh.

Last week we talked Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe and her penchant for plastic surgery, so now let’s talk about her ass. See, it appears quite fair to say that Kimmy K got butt implants — I mean, just look at that picture up there — because she has an entirely new, and Toyota-sized posterior. But Kimmy K ain't happy y'all are talking about her booty and she's asking people to stop suggesting she had fillers injected into her buttocks because it’s just not true.

:::head snap foot stomp call to Kanye:::

Here’s the Kash Kow Twitter rant:

“I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life! Using pics of me 15lbs skinnier (before I had my baby) comparing to me now! I still have weight to lose. Anyone who has had a baby knows how hard it is to lose weight (especially the last bit of weight) and your body totally changes! Making fun of me pregnant and making fun of me trying to lose weight now shame on you. I’m not perfect but I will never conform to your skinny standards sorry! Not me. And BTW I’ve lost a lot so far and I’m proud of that! Don’t give young girls a complex!”

Two things to note:

A] the pictures are from 2005 and 2010, before she had a baby, so stop with the "baby weight" theory that you carried in your ass or something, and ...

2] Kim says anyone who claims she had injections is just wrong, but she doesn’t say a word about those hard bits of plastic, or little silicon chicken breast things going sluuuuurp into her ass.

It would be nice if she’s just own it. I mean, she has to lug it around everywhere, right?

Poor baby.

Chris Brown is being sued by the guy who claims the serial abuser berated him with the words, "I ain't down with that gay s***" and then beat him, broke his nose and ordered his bodyguard to join the fray. This is the same incident for which Brown is currently being prosecuted for misdemeanor assault.

Parker Adams claims in his $3 million lawsuit that he was outside the W Hotel in D.C. last October when Brown went nuts on him.  Now, as abusers do, Brown denies any wrongdoing and is now claiming that Adams was the aggressor who tried to force his way onto Chrissy’s tour bus.

We’ll have to see if this plays out in court, where Adams is suing both Brown and Christopher Hollosy — the bodyguard — for $1 million from each, and another $500K each for punitive damages.

I imagine Chrissy will go all Kanye and settle out of court.

And speaking of Kanye … It now appears that there is trouble in the House of Kardastrophe because Kanye wants to take control of Kim’s “career” — that alone makes me laugh till I cry — away from That Woman and run it into the ground all by himself.

A source close to the Kardastrophes — and it’s probably Bruce, between manicures, hair plugs and surgeries — says:

“Kanye is now totally in charge of Kim’s career and his non-stop wheeling and dealing is leaving Kris out of control. Kanye has managed to get Kim to cut her magazine and media appearances by a shocking level and that’s going directly against Kris’ plan to seize every publicity opportunity offered to her daughters. Kanye has [also] ordered Kim to run out the clock on several of her fashion endorsement projects, including the lucrative deal with Sears which she shares with her sisters. His goal is to get people to respect Kim and take her seriously."

I’ll stop there because, again, laughing. Seriously. Kim K?

And although That Woman was seen praising Kanye, and semi-joking, “He’s mine now!”on a recent episode of their craptastic show, rumor sys she and Kanye barely speak off-camera.

Well, of course, if he runs her career, how is That Woman gonna pay for her decades younger boyfriends, and all those trips to the plastic surgeon? I mean, it’s not as if any of her other children are making the pay.

Janet Jackson is said to be in desperate need of a divorce from her third husband — of just a couple of years — Wissam Al Mana. Once happily wed, now it seems as if Janet has no Control and she is not at all happy about it.

Still, it’s been said that she’ll happily divorce and move on, as long as the check has a bunch’a zeroes on it, but Wissam ain’t playing.

A source — and it has to be LaToya because what else has she got going on — says Janet is telling everyone she’s miserable because her billionaire husband doesn’t want her to work, and now she is setting up a defense team to challenge the prenup so she can walk away with major coin.

Rather than, just say, walk away since you're worth some $200 million yourself..

So, last week we talked that Heidi Klum was dating one of Demi Moore’s little boy cast-offs — and then we found out that maybe Heidi and Seal are reuniting — but this week, it’s all about 51-year-old Demi ALLEGEDLY cheating on her 30-year-old drummer boyfriend with 23-year-old actor Alex Pettyfer.

A source — probably Rumer, Scout and Tallulah since they love to dish about their Mama   — says Demi sashayed into a recent Hollywood party in a bizarre white romper ensemble — the better to seduce young lads, eh? — and managed to steal the limelight from all the twenty-something’s in the house. After exchanging air kisses with the party host, Demi spotted Pettyfer across the room and walked as fast as her aging hips would carry her over to him.

 “It was like they were long lost lovers,” the three "eyewitnesses" says. “Alex actually picked Demi up off the ground and swung her around, and then he kept both arms wrapped around her waist as they caught up.”

Caught up, because I imagine that Pettyfer went to school with one of Demi’s children and used to come by Casa Kutcher-Moore to do homework and Demi marked him as her new conquest in case of Ashton hot-tub-schtupping some random blond.

And remember, this is the same Alex Pettyfer who is said to have a “Thank You” tattoo right above his junk in case he forgets to mention it. So, say Thank You, Demi, as you leave the cash on the nightstand.

Do you remember when Aussie actor Sam Worthington was supposed to be the next big thing? He was in Avatar and he was everywhere and people said he was the Second Coming of Clooney. Or something.

Well, after Avatar, Sam made Clash of The Titans, which did well enough, but the sequel, Wrath of the Titans, bombed like no one’s business. Now he mostly makes news for being a drunken fool in public, or, in this case, getting arrested for punching a photographer in the face.

First, let’s backtrack: last November Sam was arrested for disorderly conduct after he pushed a doorman for refusing him entrance to an Atlanta club; the doorman said Sam was too drunk to be allowed in, but Sam shrieked at the guy that he was a DEA agent, even though what he meant was that he was an actor playing a DEA agent.

And now, a mere three months later, he’s been arrested for assault.

Worthington was charged with assault after he punched a paparazzo who had ALLEGEDLY and accidentally kicked his wife, Lara Bingle, outside a Greenwich Village bar. Sam was released on bail but will appear in court at a later date.

From Avatar to mugshot in two easy steps.

Sidenote: a newly released videotape shows that it was Laura Bingle who assaulted the camerman first, and then Sam joined in on the beating.

We all remember Justin Bieber‘s drag racing, DUI fun night, right?

Well, because the Miami PD basically effed up the investigation the Florida State Attorney wants to offer Biebs a plea deal which would essentially drop all the other charges in exchange for That Little Boy abstaining from Sizzurp and weed.

Except Justin don’t wanna do that!

Here are the conditions of the deal: all charges dropped if Justin pleads no contest to reckless driving, complete 40 hours of community service, attends an alcohol education course, attends a “victim impact panel” to listen to the stories of DUI victims, and install an ignition interlock device for 3 months.

But here’s the rub: prosecutors also want Bieber to submit to random drug testing, and not just in Florida.  He’ll have to submit his travel plans to the court and authorities will set up random testing wherever he happens to be, at his expense, and testing will last between 6 and 9 months.

Well, that snapped That Little Boy’s hide and he foot stomped and head snapped and pissed himself because he will never accept drug testing of any kind at any place anywhere ever. He has a problem with weed and the Sizzurp — think Lohan and her probation misdeeds over the last seven years — but mainly they say he won’t accept the deal because if he screws up, and you know he will, it frees up a judge to throw the book at him.

Literally. A judge will find a large, heavy book and throw it at him; maybe that’ll teach him a lesson.

UPDATE: the prosecutors in Miami say if Bieber doesn't take all of the deal, including the random drug testing, they will take the case to court where that judge is said to be practicing the Law Book Toss.

Oh Katy Perry, if you’re gonna model on the runway you need to act like a model and not a spoiled self-indulgent diva who thinks all that matters in the world is you.

It seems Katy was in Italy last week for Milan Fashion Week, and was asked to walk the runway for her friend Jeremy Scott’s new collection. The problem is Miss Thang showed up nearly n hour late — and holding up a show for any reason screws up all the shows that follow — and so the audience essentially booed her off the stage.

But Katy wasn’t having it and stood at the end of the runway, posing, arms on her hips, and shouting at the crowd, “You’re all gonna get your picture, so shut the fuck up!”

I think it best if Katy STFU.

After months of Robin Thicke singing song after song about his schlong, and after months of Robin Thicke groping the ass of any woman who asked to have her picture taken with him, and after months of Robin Thicke being photographed in clubs making out with random women, and after nine years of marriage, his wife Paula Patton has kicked his ass to the curb:

“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time.”

Sad? Not so much. When you’re married to a man who sings odes to his dick and treats women like sexual toys, the marriage is long over.

Say g’night Robin. You’re basically done, but your wife has a long career ahead of her. Maybe someday, in the not too distant future, she’ll let you make her a Café Latte at the Starbucks where you’ll be working.