It's Snarkurday!

Remember when Canadian Prime Minister, and Certified Hottie™, Justin Trudeau visited the White House after Hair Furor waddled into office? And remember that photo of Complicit _____—Complicit is a loose translation of Ivanka—looking longingly at Justin? It’s clear Complicit would kick Jared to the curb if Justin would only ...

And she might get her chance because last week Justin Trudeau and Complicit enjoyed a night out together on Broadway. The pair arrived at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theater, in the same motorcade, though in separate vehicles, to watch a performance of Come From Away, a Canadian musical about how a small Newfoundland town aided stranded airline passengers after the 9/11 attacks.

Complicit—who doesn’t have an official position in the White House because no one ever thought to make Daughter I’d Bang If we Weren’t Related a cabinet position—sat right between South Carolina’s own Nikki Haley, ambassador to the UN, and Justin. Now, I'm guessing Jared was SRO ... or SOL, and, sadly for Complicit, Justin brought along his wife, Sophie Grégoire Trudeau.

To be fair, this is the kind of event Michelle Obama might have attended but you can imagine Complicit’s face lighting up with the news that Justin was in New York and wanted to go to Broadway. But why not let the real First Lady, Melania, go to the play. I mean, she’s already in New York and Complicit had to fly up after getting a sitter for the kids and locking Jared in a  closet.

Right?

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Speaking of remembering ... remember when Sandra Bullock dumped husband Jesse James? And remember how she instantly stopped speaking of him ever again? Well, someone should’a told that to Jesse because, seven years after the split, he’s still talking about his failed marriage and the loss of their son Louis.

James was plugging his new gun-making business, Jesse James Firearms Unlimited, and his NRA clothing line—seriously, Sandra, you dodged a huge bullet kicking that one to the curb—and began talking about Sandra because, well, if he didn’t dish Bullock people would be all, “and you are ...?”

James, now married to billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria, says he has “no regrets” about his marriage to Sandra Bullock, and also doesn’t regret being a lying cheating adulterer:

“Yeah, I did cheat on my wife, yeah, I stood up and took accountability for it and apologized. And that’s end of story. Everything else was just [shakes his head]. The easy [put down] is like, oh well you cheated on Sandra Bullock. That’s the world’s easiest comeback. In general, both women and men cheat. It’s part of life.”

Only for douchebags, Jesse.

And then he adds that a lot of good came out of his divorce because it helped him to focus on being a better dad to his kids and give them a better life away from LA—he moved to Austin in 2010 where, coincidentally, Bullock has a home though he swears he doesn’t see her ... stalker.

Isn’t it funny that he married Bullock, cheated on her and seems to brag about it? I betcha his new wife is thrilled about how much he talks about his ex and how much he thinks that cheating is just what some folks do.

Again, it’s douchebags, Jesse. Douchebags.

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Continuing with the remembering theme ... remember when people said Pippa Middleton’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate [Middleton] and Prince William on their royal wedding day?

Paybacks are a bitch, Pippa. See, now Pippa is marrying James Matthews and she doesn’t want Prince Hot Ginger AKA Harry to bring his new girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, to the wedding because then she’ll be upstaged.

See, Meghan was Prince Hot Ginger’s plus one at the wedding of his friend, Lara Hughes-Young, and the paparazzi were all over the new couple and Pippa’s afraid that will happen again. Now, that doesn’t mean she sent Harry an invitation that said, “Due to seating restrictions, no Plus Ones will be allowed” but she may employ that age-old No Ring, No Bring, mentality ... meaning unless Harry and Meghan are engaged or married, Meghan needs to stay home.

A source—and it’s a royal source—says:

“[Pippa] saw how all eyes were on Meghan rather than Lara last week. The situation was also stressful for Harry. Pippa and her mother Carole wonder whether Meghan’s presence could cause a great deal of unnecessary chaos.”

Chaos. Jealousy. Either way, Pippa knows all about taking focus from the bride because she did it to her sister who married the future King of England.

Have a seat Pippa.

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Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was the advocate for steam cleaning your vagina? And remember when actual doctors warned against blowing hot air into your cooch? Then GOOP talked about sticking an egg up in there and again medical professionals said, “Uh, that’s a no.”

Well, no matter who says what about what GOOP does to her lady-parts, she does not care for them, or for you.

Paltrow gave an interview to Women’s Health about her new brand of vitamins and, as happens with Paltrow, she began whining about the peasants who are too simple-minded to understand that she can see the future and the future is Stanley Steaming your vagina and using it to raise baby chicks:

“When you’re at the forefront of something that’s new, people can get really reactive: ‘This is crazy! Why are you doing this?’ Then, five years later, everyone’s fine with it. ... Also, when someone doesn’t like something you do, or doesn’t share your interest in something, that doesn’t have anything to do with you. One of the best things someone ever said to me was that the only time criticism hurts is if you have a judgment about yourself about that very thing. If someone’s like, ‘You dick, you have red hair!’ and you’ve got brown hair, it doesn’t bother you. It’s a blessing to be liberated from the chains of other people’s perceptions of you. It’s part of wellness, working at that. I’ve gotten to a point where I like myself. I do my best as a person. I also have nothing to hide.”

Lord, this woman is so full of herself. It’s part of her wellness that she doesn’t listen to anyone who disagrees with her, including, again, medical professionals.

Can’t she stop with the vagina monologues and get back to acting and having Harvey Weinstein buy her another Oscar?

What? You believe she deserved the award for Shakespeare in Love?

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So JLo and Drake’s real love is over ... because their collaboration is over and so no need to seek attention, and so JLo has moved on to A-Rod.

A-Rod was dating 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki until recently and JLo was already packing Drake’s backpack and sending him home so ... JLo and A-Rod are the new It Couple of the Second. But there are some who say that, while JLo ALLEGEDLY dumped Drake because he schtupped a porn star in Amsterdam, that wasn’t until late January and JLo has been spotted with A-rod for a couple of months now.

So, does that mean JLo was doing the two dudes at the same time ... though not in the same place though, if that were true I would not be surprised.

All of that leads me to believe that JLo and A-rod's new couple name should be A-Hole.

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So ... cat fight. And when one of the cats is Naomi Campbell ... duck! ... and the other is Rihanna, look out.

Naomi was on Watch What Happens Live last week and a viewer Tweeted in that she’d noticed Campbell and Rihanna had unfollowed each other on Instagram ... the first sign of Feud is the Unfollow!

As Andy Cohen read the question, Naomi real still and tense and then said:

“Everything’s fine. Of course it’s fine.”

And then she added:

“I’m an actress now, Andy.”

And a good one, too, apparently.

Sidenote: also on that WHHL was Superstar RuPaul who told a story about performing at Aretha Franklin’s birthday back party in 1995 and when he received a check for his payment, Ree Ree had made out to “Ruth Paul.”

The Queen of Soul!

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Now, speaking of RuPaul and ending on a positive note ... Ru was a guest on Hollywood Today, and hosts Ross Matthews—god I loathe him—and Ali Landry—god I have no idea who she is—brought up his partner of 23 years, Georges LeBar.

While Ru mostly lives and works in L.A., LeBar is a cowboy who mostly lives and works on his ranch in Wyoming, but they make it work—The Cowboy and The Drag Queen, a Very Lifetime Movie!

I said it first! Anyway, Matthews asked when Ru and George were going to get married and Ru ruplied:

“You know, I don’t think I’ve said… I’ve never said this on television before, we are married.”

Yup, RuPaul is a happily married man, having wed his partner of 23 years on their 23rd anniversary.

Ain’t love grand?

And remember, The Cowboy and The Drag Queen, a Very Lifetime Movie! I said it first!

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I Didn't Say It ...

Dan Savage, on Marcus Bachmann's orientation [ALLEGEDLY] and his "ex-gay" therapy clinics:

“It’s so sad and pathetic. A lot of the self-destructive behaviors gay people are prone to drifting into are directed inward, and then you have these sh*tbags like Marcus Bachmann for whom it’s all directed outward. Marcus Bachmann is the photo negative of the guy on the last bar stool in the gay bar, drinking and smoking himself to death, except instead of destroying himself, he’s destroying other vulnerable queer people in an effort to destroy the queer inside himself.”

How sad it must be, to be in such denial of who you are that you create a business in which to help other people feel ashamed of themselves.

Even if Marcus Bachmann isn’t gay, he should be ashamed of himself for his ex-gay therapies.

Pippa Middleton, on Kim Kardastrophe’s nude Paper magazine cover:

“No year is complete without a bottom story, and the ‘Rear of 2014’ award undoubtedly goes to Kim Kardashian, after her posterior exploded all over the internet last month. … But the Kim butt story did make me pause. What is it with this American booty culture? It seems to me to be a form of obsession. Kim’s aim, apparently, was to break the internet, but I’m not sure she’s going the right way about it.”

When all you have to show for yourself is an ass, then that’s all you’ll ever be.

Melissa Rivers, speaking about her mother, Joan, who was honored at The Hollywood Reporter’s Women in Entertainment luncheon:

“My mother was fearless. And I don’t mean she didn’t have any fears, I mean that even though she was only 5’2, she stood tall and walked through it. And that’s what made her such a brilliant performer. She was willing to say what others were thinking and too frightened to admit. She made fun of herself first and foremost which gave her the right to joke about others. She never apologized for a joke, and no topic was taboo and she was fine with that. Truth be told, my mother never thought of herself as a woman working in a man’s world. She thought of herself as a comic that had to be funnier than anyone else…she just wanted to do her job and that was to make people laugh. ... There’s been tribute after tribute to my mother [where she’s] been called everything from a legend, to a trailblazer, to a bitch; the bottom line is, she was really just my mother.”

Still missing Joan ….

Michele Bachmann, the Quitting Congresswoman, on what she said to the President at the White House holiday party:

"I turned to the president and I said, something to the effect of, ‘Mr. President, you need to bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities, because if you don’t, Iran will have a nuclear weapon on your watch and the course of world history will change.' And he got his condescending smile on his face and laughed at me and said, 'Well Michele, it’s just not that easy.' And I said to him, 'No, Mr. President, you’re the president, it will happen on your watch, and you’ll have to answer to the world for this.' And that was it and then I left. Merry Christmas." 

And Obama looked at her, Crazy Eyes roaming the walls of a House in which she will never reside, and as she walked out he said, “Finally, a gift I like!”

Who the f**k does Michele Bachmann think she is to tell any president what he or she ought to do? And where was the Secret Service when this lunatic entered the White House?

Michael C. Hall, on playing Hedwig on Broadway and why he’s drawn to gay roles:

"I think I gravitate toward characters who are defined by some sense of conflict or secret keeping. I think in the case of David Fisher [on Six Feet Under], it was about the character's inherent conflict — something that made him inherently dramatic. In case of Hedwig, it was the chance to front a rock band and sing awesome rock-and-roll music. There is something about people, for one reason or the other, who are marginalized by their circumstance that is compelling to me. That has manifested itself into me playing a few, or more than a few, characters who are gay."

Well, and we’re fabulous, too, so there’s that to play as well.