I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I like actress Laura Dern; I do. But does anyone other than actress Laura Dern really think she’s having a thing with Bradley Cooper because she’s the only one talking about it.

It seems that Dern and My-Husband-In-My-Head Bradley Cooper—not to be confused with My-Husband-In-My-Head Anderson Cooper—were spotted having lunch together in June and Dern comes out in late September to say there’s nothing to it, they’re just friends …blah blah blah.

No need to explain, Laura, we already guessed that.

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On the heels of the Miley Cyrus-Liam Hemsworth breakup comes the news that Lindsay Lohan is somehow involved. I mean, only in her own utterly empty head, but still, she is talking about it.

As the lovebirds announced they were finished, Lohan took to Instagram to lament that none of the brothers Hemsworth ever vied for her attention.

Note to Lindsay: men don’t “vie” for your attention; they call your pimp, give over a credit card number, and then send a car for you.

Okurrrrrr?

PS I don’t think a Hemsworth would ever want to wade in the STD pond that is Lindsay Lohan.

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I used to find actor Tom Hiddleston absolutely delicious, but then he hooked up with Taylor Swift and I suddenly realized he was an empty-headed famewhore.

But that’s just me; apparently one woman who paid to see Hiddleston in Broadway’s Betrayal, was so overcome with lust for Hiddleston that she up, well, as Erika Jayne once famously screeched, “patted the puss” right there in the theater.

Twice! And when the show was over this Diddling Donna ALLEGEDLY applauded like a wild woman causing one theatergoer to post about the show:

“The show was really wonderful and the cast first-rate. But you might want to avoid seat B-3.”

Note taken.

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Wendy Williams, who has had one Hell of a year between denying about her husband cheating, admitting her husband was cheating, denying about her husband having a child with his mistress, admitting her husband had a child with his mistress, denying she was divorcing her husband, admitting she was divorcing her husband, denying she was having a substance abuse relapse, admitting she was living in a  sober house because she had a substance abuse relapse, is now pointing out other liars.

Pot.Kettle.Black. And while the chance that all this messiness would cause Williams to lose her show, it was renewed and she’s back, spilling the tea, stirring the pot and tossing the shade … at Christie Brinkley. Williams claims that Christie, who was set to appear on this season’s Dancing With The Has-Beens until she fell and “broke” her wrist in a fall, is faking the whole thing to get her daughter, Sailor Brinkley-Cook, a shot at some publicity:

“Well, that looked fake as hell … Let me tell you what I see. I don’t see a wrist and a shoulder being fractured. But that was real cute. Here’s my thought: Dancing with the Stars called Christie Brinkley … and she said yes. After she got off the phone, that’s when she plotted her schedule. … knowing that she’d put her daughter Sailor in there.”

Wendy? Hon? Why don’t you try telling the truth about yourself, before demanding the same of others? Plus, you know, you made Christie Brinkley cry and sob and weep … over Wendy Williams gossip.

Girl please. You both need to take a seat.

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Back in 2017 Kevin Hart revealed to the world that he was a cheating dirtbag. Now, he didn’t reveal this truth because his conscience was bothering, but because his jump-off apparently had video of Little Kevin and Littler Kevin.

Now his mistress, Montia Sabbag, claimed at the time she had no involvement in the “film”—though a film of Montia doing the nasty with her neighbor wouldn’t sell as much as Montia doing Little Kevin—now she is claiming that Kevin himself is one of the orchestrators of this sex tape scandal.

And so, she’s suing him for $60 million.

And she may have a case because one of Hart’s best friends, one JT Jackson, was arrested for extortion and charged because of this hidden camera sex tape, and Montia thinks Kevin was in on it because he had a tour coming up and the idea of people seeing Montia and Kevin do the deed in grainy video footage would help ticket sales. Seriously.

Even if it still begs the question: who is Montia Sabbag and why would anyone want to watch her have sex with anyone … including Kevin Hart?

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Remember when Jose Canseco claimed in his 2008 autobiography Vindicated that Madonna had ALLEGEDLY wanted him to be her sperm donor?

First off, Jose Canseco? Ick.

Well, now, another dreamboat from Madge’s past is saying he was be her Baby Daddy—in Sperm only—and he is none other than … Dennis Rodman. But while Jose seemed to be in it just because he could nail Madonna, Rodman says Madge offered up significant coins for his junk. Rodman is ALLEGING that Madonna called him up, out of the blue, announced she was ovulating, and said:

“Dennis, you know that I’m ovulating.”

And then he says she sent a private jet to pick him up in Las Vegas, and bring him back to her New York City manse where, before they did the deed, she said if she got pregnant, she’d pay him $20 million.

So, they banged, cleaned up, and he was back on the plane to Vegas. And we all know that Madonna didn’t get pregnant with Rodman’s baby, so he never got that 20 mil. But he does have that story to tell, and another one …

Rodman has also ALLEGED Madge made a similar deal with Carlos Leon—who fathered her daughter Lourdes—though he has no facts, just his flapping lips. But he has a book to sell, so …

Still, it begs the question, if you sleep with Rodman for $20,000,000, where are you gonna get the coins for your follow-up treatments.

STDs ain’t cheap, y’all.

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It's Snarkurday!

Lisa Kudrow played my favorite character on Friends, Phoebe Buffay; I always like the slightly off-center, random characters because, yeah, they’re like me.

And though Kudrow has been working steadily since Friends ended forty years ago, she is still constantly asked about the show and the possibility of a reunion. But, while appearing on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Andy asked her which guest star was the worst ...

“The worst behavior just off the top of my head? I rehearsed without makeup most of the week and then on show night I’m in hair and makeup and I was told [by the guest star], ‘Oh, wow, now you’re’ — can I say it? ― ‘now you’re f**kable.’ That’s bad behavior, I say.”

What she wouldn’t say was who it was, and the internet immediately jumped on Charlie Sheen until Kudrow later shot that down.

So ... who do you think it was ... Alec Baldwin comes to mind; but then there are so many more ... Jon Lovitz, Bruce Willis, Sean Penn, Jean-Claude Van Damme. And what about a woman—Kudrow never said it was a man—could it have been Susan Sarandon?

For me, because he played a character that dated both Phoebe and her “twin” Ursula, my money’s on Penn.

Plus ... he’s kind of a dick.

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So, the podcast Missing Richard Simmons was created by one of Simmons’ friends, filmmaker Dan Taberski, who is trying to find out what happened to Simmons, who seemingly vanished from public view.

It’s been over three years since Simmons has been seen or spoken to his friends, and so people began wondering; he and his reps have released statements saying he’s got a busted knee and is just trying to mend and heal in private, but even his famous exercise studio has closed because he’s not there to work out.

On a recent episode of MRS, Taberski talked to another Simmons’ friend, Mauro Oliveira, who believes Simmons’ longtime housekeeper, Teresa Reveles, is controlling him and his bank accounts. Last year, Oliveira told the New York Daily News that in April 2014, he went over to Simmons’ Hollywood Hills home and that Richard said they could no longer be friends. Mauro tried to talk to Richard, but housekeeper Reveles kicked him out of the house. 

Mauro now says that Reveles put a black magic spell on Simmons and also believes Reveles, Richard’s manager and his brother were all holding him hostage. After Mauro squealed to NYDN, Richard Simmons gave a phone interview to The Today Show and said that he’s not being held hostage and he really just wants to stay home and do nothing.

Seriously? Does that sound like Simmons? And then, after Mauro repeated those claims on MRS, Richard’s rep, Tom Estey, released a statement:

“Teresa has been working with him for ... [27 years]. So, holding him hostage is the biggest, I mean … Teresa is the housekeeper, she’s the caretaker, she is extraordinary, she is amazing, she takes impeccable care of Richard and she has for as long as I have been working with Richard, so that is a complete load of crap. Richard made a choice. To live a more private life. If he decides to come back, he’ll come back.”

That sounds plausible, because the black magic voodoo angle is just crazy, but still, who ever thought Richard Simmons would choose to disappear? So, maybe there is something there ... ?

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During her acceptance speech for Album of the Year at this year’s Grammys, Adele referred to Simon Konecki, the father of her son and partner of 5 years, as her “husband.” But then backstage, she threw the car in reverse and went back to calling him her “partner.”

So ... what the what?

It appears Konecki is actually Adele’s husband now, because she told the crowd at a concert in Brisbane last week while talking about the feelings of her song Someone Like You:

“I was trying to remember how it was I felt at the beginning of the relationship that inspired that record because as bad as a break up can be, as bitter and horrible and messy as it can be, that feeling when you first fall for someone is the best feeling on earth, and I am addicted to that feeling. Obviously I can’t go through with those feelings because I’m married now. I’ve found my next person.”

One thing she isn’t saying is how long she has been married, but, you know, I love that Adele is just Adele and doesn’t feel the need to release every single aspect of her life on social media and opts to keep some things private.

Just sayin’ ... Beyonce.

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So, we know that Paul Burrell, the former royal butler, who dubbed himself Diana’s “rock”, has come out as gay and engaged to his business partner lawyer, Graham Cooper.

What you may not know is that Burrell ALLEGEDLY once had an orgy with up to 10 other men aboard Royal Yacht Britannia ... though probably not when that other Queen was onboard.

But she found out about it and while the other men involved faced disciplinary repercussions for the sex, Burrell was let off after the Queen spoke to him and told him to settle down and find a wife.

What the what? Burrell’s agent—cuz he’s writing another tell-all—Adam Muddle says:

“[Paul] wants to talk about the scandal that happened on the Royal Yacht Britannia, which is where members of the navy were dismissed for being caught up in a gay orgy. Paul was there. But he wasn’t arrested or subjected to any sort of criminal charges, because he was the Queen’s right hand man at that point.”

I think maybe he was the right hand man to a lot of men.

Just sayin’. But seriously, how's that for a job? You get nailed—perhaps the wrong word choice but I’ll let it go—for having an all-male orgy on your boss’s boat and all the boss says is, “Find a wife.”

I need a job like that.

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Well, Scarlett Johansson just filed for divorce from her second husband, Frenchman Romain Dauriac, and there are already rumblings about a nasty custody battle.

Johansson sued Dauriac in Manhattan Supreme Court calling their marriage “irretrievably broken” and asking a judge to give her primary custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Rose Dorothy Dauriac.

Dauriac’s attorney, Harold Mayerson, said his client plans to fight the request because he “would like to move to France with his daughter” because Johansson does a lot of traveling.

It was just two months ago Johansson announced that the couple had split last summer because she decided she didn’t have that much in common with him; and after the breakup the couple worked very well in co—parenting, and each spent every other week with Rose.

Then Johansson temporarily moved to New Zealand last year to film “Ghost in the Shell” and wanted to switch to a shorter schedule where she had Rose for three days and then Dauriac took her for two days.

When Dauriac protested that his life was starting to revolve around Johansson’s schedule, he was told by her lawyer that “this is what they do in Hollywood” and he was like, “Oh l'enfer, no."

Oh hell no. 

And so it looks to turn nasty and grabby ... because this is what they do in Hollywood.

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Azealia Banks is ALLEGEDLY a rapper, but all I know of her is that she’s shrieks and screams at strangers, threatens to kill folks, and doesn’t show up to court when ordered.

In fact, a Manhattan judge just scolded Banks for failing to turn up for court and then because she tried to dismiss her absence as mere tardiness.

Justice Kathryn Paek issued a bench warrant for Banks’ arrest when she failed to show up to a hearing for ALLEGEDLY biting the boob of a female bouncer who tossed her from a West Village club.

And where was Banks? She was at Paris Fashion Week partying in denim thong shorts, though her lawyer, Jess Berkowitz, tried to say she was just “out of the country” and that she thought her court date was later in the week.

And when Banks finally appeared in court—wearing a black dress with a skeleton design, knee-high vinyl boots and a Chanel purse—she said:

“I just wanted to apologize for being tardy.”

Judge Paek was not playing:

“Not tardy! You missed your court date, your case is on for hearing and trial, and you did not appear. Do you understand the difference?”

Assistant District Attorney Andrea Kimmel reminded the judge that Banks had “failed to appear in this case multiple times, including the first trial date” and asked for $2,000 bail, but Paek went easy on Banks because ... well, I call it The Lohan Syndrome—celebrities have it easier than regular folk because they’re celebrities.

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Tom Hiddleston is doing the rounds to promote his new art project, Kong: Skull Island, and since he spilled his feelings about Taylor Swift in a GQ interview, he’s being asked about her over and over and over again, and getting all Tom Pissyton about it. When both The Telegraph and Savannah Guthrie of Today asked him about Taylor, he muttered that his private life is private.

Yes, he did; the guy who paraded around a beach last year with Swifty whist wearing a “I Heart TS” tank top is now asking for privacy.

Still, Guthrie brought up Tom’s GQ interview and asked him what it was like to go through a really public relationship and he giggled and said his work is public, but his private life is not. 

Now, when The Telegraph also asked if he regretted the attention of the Swifty Affair and Hiddles got piddled and snapped:

“What should I regret, in your mind?”

Then he calmed down and said:

 “I would rather not talk about this if that’s alright. I’m just thinking about this ... everyone is entitled to a private life. I love what I do and I dedicate myself with absolute commitment to making great art ...”

And we’ll stop; great art ... Kong: Skull Island. Seriously.

I used to think the man was hot and then he started dating Swifty and wearing that ridiculous shirt and dressing her up like the Queen Mum on a visit home and I thought he was a lunatic, but calling Kong: Skull Island great art proves the man is delusional as f**k.
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It's Snarkurday!

Kanye West’s last New York Fashion Week show was a d-i-saster that was held on an island, started two hours late, many of the models fainted in the heat, and the clothes were hideous. Naturally, one would think that would put the kibosh on future Kanye shows but no ... Kanye is showing his fifth collection of Armageddon-wear next week and it will be a hot mess again.

See, Kanye says he booked the 5pm slot on February 15th at Pier 59 Studios except that it appears that slot was already booked by Marchesa. Huh ... Marchesa, Kanye? Marchesa, Kanye? Fabulous designs, garbage bags?

And the Council of Fashion Designers of America [CFDA] is none too happy about Kanye’s booking; Steven Kolb, CFDA CEO—and you know he’s important because that’s a lot of letters—says:

“Once again, CFDA was not approached or consulted about the possibility of Kanye West showing on the official New York Fashion Week schedule. As the scheduler of the week, the CFDA works with more than 300 brands to identify appropriate times for them to show their collections and avoid scheduling conflicts. Not going through the proper channels is disruptive to the whole week and unfair to designers who have secured spots through the formal procedure. This bad behavior is not acceptable to the CFDA and should not be tolerated by the industry. Because of this, the CFDA will not list Kanye West on the official schedule. However, the CFDA is more than willing to work with Kanye on securing an available time slot.”

This isn’t the first time Kanye called dibs on some other designer’s time slot or screwed with other designer’s show; his last disaster of a show was held on Roosevelt Island and required so much additional travel time that it conflicted with four other fashion shows.

But, maybe his time in the mental ward has softened the lunatic, because he has graciously rescheduled his show for 3pm on the 15th, but then again, since he always starts late, it will probably not begin until 5pm and set back the Marchesa show.

Why don’t people just go Nordstrom on Kanye and dump his sorry brand of unwashed Spanx-wear?

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I don’t know much about Selma Blair, other than that she played That Woman in The People v OJ Simpson last year and that she had a melt-down on a trans-Atlantic flight, too. And now she’s had another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

It seems Blair was getting gas and left without removing the gas pump from her car’s tank—a tale she recounted on Instagram because that’s what one days these days:.

“I drove away from a gas pump with the nozzle still in, and then I paid for the broken pump so that was over a 500 dollar tank of gas.”

And that huge bill left her crying at a local coffee house, making the barista and every other hipster in the room feel all kinds of uncomfortable. And then she got nailed by animal rights activists who criticized her for wearing a fur-trimmed red coat. And again she ran to Instagram to tell the world about it:

“I was chastised for wearing fur but that was weird cause it was teddy bear fur.”

So, you admit you killed a teddy bear?

And then just to make matters worse, she told the world that she “ran out of dog food. And Excedrin” and was “still crying” and begged someone to say “this will pass.”

Seriously. This warrants a social media blast? Be right back, I gotta tell the folks on Twitter I left the toilet seat up!

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So, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is coming out soon. Women in bikinis. Ooh la ... why not men in bikinis for those of us who swing the other way?

But I digress ... according to sources, Sports Illustrated is releasing its Swimsuit issue with three covers starring tennis champ Serena Williams, 63-year-old model Christie Brinkley, and, big maybe, Kate Upton. Sources—and it would be Lohan if anyone anywhere had ever asked to see her in a swimsuit with her beer belly—say that an appearance by Upton is up in the air because of her diva demands:

“There was drama. Kate demanded that if she did the shoot, that she absolutely must get the cover. She also had a list of photographers and hair and makeup people she would only work with. She was being a big f - - king diva. She’s thinks she’s better than everyone because she’s an actress.”

Um, Kate, do you know that you’d never have been in the critically panned The Other Woman if you hadn’t been on the cover of SI a few years back?> Yeah. Without them, you’d still be asking if I wanted fries with my order, so maybe you ought to calm down the diva.

I mean, you are no Mariah Carey, gurl.

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Speaking of giant egos, back in 2015, when Kylie Jenner was first beginning to step out from behind big sister Kim’s ginormous ass, she actually filed an application to trademark the name “Kylie.”

Yup; one problem was that there was already another famous Kylie—and I don’t mean my neighbor’s LabraDoodle: Kylie Minogue.

So, last year the Original Kylie got her attorneys on the case and asked them to stop Second-Rate Kylie’s attempt to trademark the name because she already has a trademark on the name. And now the US Patent and Trademark Office has agreed, saying there is only one Kylie and that’s Minogue.

Sadly, Second-Rate Kylie—and why not trademark that—has already filed an appeal on the decision because That Woman has programmed that entire family of media whores on the ways to turn everything, from your name, to your ass, to your beer gut, into coins and dammit Second-Rate Kylie needs the money because she ain’t got nothing else going for her.

No robberies to publicize. No divorces and cheating alcoholic husbands to sell. No lunatics to earn some coins. What else is Second-Rate Kylie gonna do?

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Well, David Beckham’s emails were hacked and I was so hoping for a slew of nude selfies but, alas ... no dick pics, but evidence that he is kind of a dick.

It seems that hackers were able to get into the computer of Becks’ publicist, Simon Oliveira and then tried to blackmail Beckham by demanding a million Euros to not leak his emails. Beckham squealed out a “Noooo” and so the hackers released some info ... with emails from Beckham wondering if he’ll ever get a Knighthood from the Queen.

It seems Beckham really wants a “Sir” in front of his name and is all kinds of miffed that he hasn’t gotten it yet. In some of the emails, which detail his work for UNICEF, it appears that he only volunteers his time and a few coins, because he wants that “Sir.”

He was ALLEGEDLY up for knighthood in 2014, but the honors committee changed their mind after his name came up in a tax avoidance scheme, and in one email Beckham calls the committee “unappreciative cunts” and adds that, “unless it’s a knighthood fuck off”.

In other emails, Beckham demands that UNICEF covers his travel costs for a charity trip and seems a little non-committal about donating his own money to UNICEF. Another email seems to prove that Beckham only backed a vote against the Scottish Independence referendum because he thought it would get him that knighthood.

Of course, now his reps are saying the emails were fixed and edited to make him look bad:

“This story is based on outdated material taken out of context from hacked and doctored private emails from a third party server and gives a deliberately inaccurate picture."

Look, David, if it helps, I’ll call you Sir from now until the end of time if you just stop by Smallville once a month and let me gaze at your rock-hard ass for about two hours.

Just sayin, Sir?

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I have not been a fan of Beyoncé ever since I learned that on an old Destiny’s Child Christmas album, she gave herself credit as a songwriter on “Silent Night” because she added a line to the classic song. See, for Bey, it’s all about Bey and screw everyone else ... even dead people and their families.

Beyoncé is being sued by the sister of late bounce artist and YouTuber Messy Mya—real name Anthony Barré—for ALLEGEDLY using unauthorized pieces of his videos in her song Formation.

Messy Mya was murdered in November 2010 but before his death, he posted a video where he did what he always did: talk to and about people in his neighborhood in New Orleans saying things like, “Oooh, yes, I like that” and “What happened at the New Wil’ins” and, “Bitch I’m back, by popular demand.” And so his family was slightly unnerved to hear, at the beginning of Formation, Messy Mya say, “Oooh, yes, I like that” with other sayings, in his own voice, used at other places in the song.

Angel Barré, Messy Mya’s sister and the sole heir of his estate, tried to get in touch with Beyoncé’s people to talk about the unauthorized samples, but Beyoncé and her team refused to respond, thinking it might all go away.

Oh.Hell.No. On Monday, Angel filed a lawsuit against Beyoncé and Sony stating that Beyoncé didn’t ask for permission and didn’t give Messy Mya credit or coins. It also says that Beyoncé used the sample during live performances of Formation. The lawsuit also ALLEGES  that leaving Beyoncé’s use of her brother’s work unchallenged would create the impression that Messy Mya’s estate consented to THE “defendants’ use of his voice, which has impaired Mr. Barré’s reputation and credibility as an independent artist who worked alone and did not endorse popular singers.”

Angel wants $20 million in damages, plus royalties and her brother to get credit on the song.

Beyoncé wrote Silent Night y’all and now she’s stealing from dead people.

Seriously. I hope Angel gets a million bucks for every word Beyoncé stole from Messy Mya.

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Gosh, Tom Hiddleston used to be so cute until he began dating-banging Taylor Swift and until he accepted an award by saying something about how poor people in Africa love him, and now he’s still talking.

He really should shut up and go back to being cute because I am thisclose to being over him ... or under him. Okay, maybe I’m not through with him yet ... anyway ... remember when Hiddleston wore that ridiculous “I ♥ T.S.” tank top out in public? Well, just recently he was asked by GQ’s Taffy Brodesser-Akner about that most embarrassing clothing item and, well, he just dig himself in deeper and deeper:

“Taylor is an amazing woman. She’s generous and kind and lovely, and we had the best time.”

But Taffy was all, “That’s not what I asked, I asked about that tank top”:

“The truth is, it was the Fourth of July and a public holiday and we were playing a game and I slipped and hurt my back. And I wanted to protect the graze from the sun and said, ’Does anyone have a T-shirt?’ And one of her friends said, ’I’ve got this.’ ”

And out came the “I ♥ T.S.” tank top that all of Swifty’s friends are paid to wear unless they wish to be booted from the Squad and so Tom put it on.

Like I said, I really am over him. So much so that I don’t really want to be under him any longer.

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Drake and JLo ran hothothot and then ran notnotnot. 

I mean, at first they played it off that they were just working together on her album and having fun, but then JLo changed her New Year’s Eve plans to be time with him ... they followed each other on Instagram—nothing says I love you more than that—and he spent time with her kids. Then it was over and we all thought it was about his dinner with the porn star but ... maybe not.

See, Drake and JLo cooled right about the same time that Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill cooled and so, did Drake drop JLo’s ass to take another stab at Nicki’s bodacious butt? So far, no one is saying that, and the reps are all, “JLo and Drake are taking a breather,” but then JLo, as we saw with Selma Blair, took to Instagram to, maybe maybe not, spill the beans by saying:

“Timing is everything. If it’s meant to happen, it will, and for the right reasons.”

And if Nicki allows it to happen, I’m guessing.

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