It's Snarkurday!

It was just a few months ago that Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon were everywhere promoting their new movie, Hot Pursuit, and touting their amazing new friendship.

Cut to six weeks later, and the flop that was Hot Pursuit, and now Reese and Sofia cannot stand one another, and each blames the other for the movie disaster.

Reese blames Sofia’s accent and ‘irritating laugh,’ while Sofia blames Reese for not being sexy or funny enough.

I blame the studio that figured they could just reboot some buddy comedy and slip in the Stars-of-the-Moment and people would just flock to it. Howsabout starting with a good idea first, and go from there?

Now, what’s kinda funny about the Reese-Sofia feud is that Joe Toth, who happens to be Reese’s husband, is the agent for both women.

Man, who wants to be Jim Toth right about now?

And who wants to be fired Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “star” Brandi Glanville right about now either?

Her “reality show career” has tanked, and even she can’t remember if she was fired or if she walked away from the show.  Clearly she was fired — she was not asked back for next season — but she insists she quit … though she forgot that when writing a column for an Australian tabloid NW magazine and saying this:

“This week has been crazy! I talked to Yolanda Foster and Kim Richards. Lisa Vanderpump actually emailed me. She was like the first to email after I got fired, which was very weird. I was shocked, it was very unexpected. Everything with her is a plan – everything is very strategic. I feel like she did it so I’d tell people that she did it.”

Oops. Fired; then Brandi, who may have been tequila’s when she wrote that, contradicts herself again by saying RHoBH wanted her back part-time but she declined because she has “other plans.”

And she doesn’t say what those “other plans” are, but I’m guessing it’s to start another TwitFight with LeAnn Rimes … or be photographed falling out of her dress somewhere.

My my my. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson has been ordered to pay Lastonia Leviston some $5 million for posting her private sex video online as part of his little boy beef with Rick Ross. And Jackson may have to appear in court next week with his net worth statement in hand so the jury can decide on additional, punitive damages.

The jury found that Lastonia Leviston, Ross’ baby mama, suffered “severe emotional distress” when Fiddy narrated that sex tape in which he called her a “slut” and “mother**king porn star.” In addition, the jury says that Fiddy — how is that a name for a grown-ass man? — profited off the posting that was linked to his website ThisIs50.com.

The video is from 2009, and was made when  Leviston was dating Maurice Murray, who sold the tape to Fiddy after he and Leviston broke up.

So, now, in addition to the % million in damages, the jury will get to decide how much of Fiddy’s ALLEGED half-billion dollar fortune they’ll take away from him.

Ow … though there’s more to come on this one.

Thank goddess for Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, without her we wouldn’t know which gluten-free foods to eat … we wouldn’t know that we needed a five-hundred plain white t-shit in our wardrobe … we wouldn’t know how to act morally superior to peons.

And now we wouldn’t know how to yawn. Yup. GOOP is telling us how to yawn in a new piece on her site called, Why Yawning Is Important – and How to Optimize the Reflex.

It goes like this, y’all:

YAWN #1

Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed.

Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

Next up we learn the proper way to smirk at those less fortunate than us, and how to properly  sniff in disgust when a waiter comes over to speak with us.

Don’t thank me, thank GOOP.

Jesse Eisenberg was at Comic-Con last week and compared the event to genocide.

Yes, to Jesse Eisenberg, being featured at an event where your fans can come celebrate you, and perhaps meet you, as you promote your latest film, hoping they’ll see it and you’ll make millions, is just like the deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular ethnic group or nation.

I wonder is those six million Jews who were slaughtered in WWII would want to trade places with Eisenberg … if they were still alive today.

Asshat.

Back to Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.

On the heels of that $5 million verdict against him, Jackson instantly left the courtroom, walked down the hall to bankruptcy court, and filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Not a good year, for Fiddy, who  recently lost another court case — involving the theft of a headphone design — for $17.2 million.

But Fiddy explains it like this:

“I’m taking the precautions that any other good businessperson would take in this situation. You know when you’re successful and stuff, you become a target. I don’t wanna be a bullseye. I don’t want anybody to pick me as the guy that they just come to with astronomical claims and go through all that.”

A target for punitive damages after you’ve been found guilty of posting a private sex tape on line because you’re pissy with someone.

My.Heart.Bleeds.

No one really knows why, or how, but former Friends star Matt LeBlanc’s father, Paul LeBlanc, gave an exclusive interview to Star & OK magazines and really dished the dirt.

Like how Matt didn’t really care for co-stars Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer:

“Matt always said Matthew Perry is an a**hole. He wanted to pound on him a couple of times. [And] David Schwimmer was kind of dry, a bit too serious.”

But apparently LeBlanc thought Lisa Kudrow was just fine, though Daddy has some choice words for his own son:

“He was as good looking as anyone in Hollywood. But he isn’t going to age well. It’s the high life – I’ll see him with his gut hanging over his belt. He’s not someone who keeps himself toned when he’s not in front of the cameras.”

But the biggest shocker of Daddy LeBlanc’s talk was the thought that maybe Jennifer Aniston and Matt LeBlanc fooled around together while Aniston was married to Brad Pitt?

“He even had a relationship with one of the girls… Jen. They would make out in the dressing rooms. He told me about it. It was when she was married to Brad Pitt….Matt goes after dirt bags.”

Ouch. I don’t know which is worse, calling Jen out for ALLEGEDING cheating on Brad

— possibly long before La Jolie met Pitt, or calling Jen a ‘dirt bag.’

Naturally, Aniston’s people are circling the wagons:

“Jennifer has never had a romantic or sexual relationship with Matt LeBlanc…Jennifer is being victimized by his fabrications.” 

Oh, there it is … Jennifer Aniston is a victim again. First La Jolie victimized her and now Matt LeBlanc’s daddy is to blame.

Still, it kinda makes sense that Jen would play the Poor Me card if she was the one who cheated first and wanted to save her image as America’s Sweetheart.

So, remember when Johnny Depp and his wife, Amber Heard, smuggled their dogs into Australia, where Depp was filming the 47th sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean?

And the government ordered the dogs — the actual pets, not Depp and Heard, out of the country — which caused Amber to whine about how Australian authorities were just looking for their “fifteen minutes of fame.”

Pot.Kettle.Black.

Well, now it appears Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally smuggling the dogs into Australia, and was issued a summons to appear in a Queensland court in September. She faces a fine of up to $200,000 or up to 10 years in prison.

I vote prison.

Just sayin’.

Let’s end with funny …

So, Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons has been playing God … on Broadway … in a new play, An Act of God, and apparently God and Parsons don’t like it when people show up late.

It seems that  Parsons spotted a woman making her way to her orchestra seat some 15 minutes after a matinee began, and he said to her:

“A little late, aren’t you?”

When the audience burst out laughing, he added:

“You’re lucky I’m God and not Patti LuPone!”

You’ll remember that last week LuPone made headlines when she snatched a phone out of an audience member’s hand after the woman had been texting throughout the show, but what’s really eerie, and kind of like Is Jim Parsons Really God, is that the Patti LuPone incident happened later that night after Jim made that comment.

Now, he might have been referencing the 2009 incident where La LuPone stopped her performance in Gypsy because an audience member was taking pictures from her seat.

Or Is Jim Parsons Really God?

I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

It pays to be rich in America.

It seems that serial drug addict--and her own personal drug mule--Paris Hilton has struck a plea deal with the Las Vegas district attorney after her arrest last month for gum, oh, I mean, cocaine, possession.

Paris will plead guilty to two misdemeanors and will serve one year probation, pay a $2,000 fine, and serve 200 hours of community service.

The best way for her to serve the community would be to disappear and never be heard from again.
In the plea agreement, the district attorney states:
"Defendant shall stay out of trouble. Defendant agrees that an arrest for any charge, excluding minor traffic violations for which a citation is issued, shall result in the immediate termination of her probation and the execution of the suspended sentences."
Paris Hilton? Stay out of trouble?
Yeah, that's like asking her to stay off drugs.
Never gonna happen.
It pays to be rich in America.


But not so much in Japan.
Paris Hilton, the 29-year-old drug-mule, drug-addict, fame-whore, after pleading guilty to two misdemeanors in her Las Vegas cocaine case, has been detained in Japan, unable to enter the country due to her drug charges and sentence.

Hilton was set to appear at a news conference in Tokyo to promote her fashion line, but that appearance was canceled. Hilton was forced to cancel her tour and returned home when she was denied entry at Tokyo's airport--running afoul of strict Japanese laws.
"I'm going back home, and I look forward to coming back to Japan in the future," Hilton sniffed, before departing on her private jet.The trip had been planned before Hilton's latest run-in with the law regarding drug use, and her subsequent arrest and guilty plea. The terms of her sentence did not restrict travel overseas, but Japan don't like cokewhores running amok in their streets.
Hilton's publicist, Dawn Miller, said Paris plans to make the trips at a later date: "Paris is very disappointed [that she was caught again with drugs] and fought hard to keep her business commitments [and drug buys] and see her fans [and dealers], but she is forced to postpone her commitments in Asia. Paris understands and respects the rules and laws of the immigration authorities in Japan and fully wishes to cooperate with them [and has trashed a hotel, a private plane, and every drug-infused restroom at the airport]."
We could learn a lesson from Japan.


Apparently, Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, wants to make a movie of her life story, and has already announced it to the press, and cast it as well.

According to Franklin, Halle Berry would portray her younger self--though Aretha has named no one to play her older, um, larger, self. Denzel Washington would take the role of her father, C.L. Franklin, and Terrence Howard would be Smokey Robinson.
Uh huh.
Halle can't sing, Aretha, at least not like you. And I can't see Denzel taking on what amounts to a small part of the whole story. And Terrence Howard? He's on TV now, girl.
But that ain't stopping Miss F. She is claiming that all of the actors are "enthusiastic about the project and have agreed to take on these roles, subject to further negotiation."
I guess when Aretha calls, everybody, and I mean everybody, shows some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Ashton Kutcher, who fancies himself quite the Twitterer, and I fancy him quite the twit, may find himself Demi Moore-less because of a far more dated technology.

Texting.

It seems that Kutcher, who may just barley make it to his fifth wedding anniversary with Moore, has been having an affair with 21-year-old Brittney Jones. And Jones, in typical mistress style, has held on to texts that she ALLEGES were sent to her by Ashton. And she has turned over the texts to Star magazine, that bastion of journalistic integrity.

Brittney [to Ashton]: "When's the next time you're gonna have an empty house?"
Ashton [to Brittney]: "Not sure. Maybe the end of the month. I'm w/ my daughter.""
Brittney Jones has already blabbed her story to Star magazine once before, claiming that she and Kutcher had sex on a couch while Demi was filming 'LOL: Laughing Out Loud' with Miley Cyrus.
If true, and I'm not saying it is, or it isn't, I wonder how Demi feels thinking her husband has been cheating on her with a women young enough to be her daughter.


Former Friends star [read: out of work former star] Matt LeBlanc is not a happy man.
Especially if you call him Joey.

LeBlanc says he wants to put his Friends past behind him, and when a reporter for the Uk Mirror accidentally called him Joey, LeBlanc went crazy.
The incident started when the 43-year-old actor[?] clumsily knocked into the reporter's table, sending glasses flying. The reporter jokingly asked, "You all right, Joey? How YOU do-in
LeBlanc, however, was not amused. He ALLEGEDLY raged, "I'm not Joey.... Don't you dare call me Joey.... The papers say I'm finished, so don't call me f**king Joey.... I want to leave that all behind. I'm moving on.....I'm not Joey....For the last time. I'm not f**king Joey.... It's Matt.... Matt LeBlanc.... Joey's in the past. I'm trying to do something new."
Whatever you say..........................Joey.

File this under: Too Bad, So Sad.

It seems that the company that built all of Mel Gibson's properties in Malibu, including his three residences and his own personal Tres Catholique church, are suing the Anti-Semite-Alcoholic-Batterer-Homophobe-Misogynist because he ALLEGEDLY owes them money.
And, if they win their lawsuit, Melvin will be facing foreclosure.
The first suit claims that Melvin Gibson owes Ramage Construction over $12,000 for work done on the three residences, while the second claims he owes some $200,000 on the church.
Churches are expensive, which is why i never built one at Chez Smallville.
Anyway, according to the terms of the lawsuit, Melvin can either cough up the cash he owes, or the company will ask for permission to foreclose.
Oh, the humanity.
Smirk.

Uh oh.
Does SJP know about this?
It seems that Mr Big, AKA Chris Noth, has some thoughts about the future of the Sex & The City franchise and it looks mighty bleak.

He says that Sex is dead, and the New York magazine killed it, and he gladly told that to a reporter from the magazine.
Huh? What? Huh?
Noth:
“It’s over. The franchise is dead. The press killed it. Your magazine fucking killed it. New York Magazine. It’s like all the critics got together and said, ‘This franchise must die.’ Because they all had the exact same review. It’s like they didn’t see the movie. Got any more gum?”
Um. Rather than gum, howsabout a Valium, because some one's a little peeved.
Magazines don't kill movies. Movies die because audiences don't go see them because sometimes a movie with a 2 after it is really just the same as the first movie, only, maybe, in the desert somewhere.