Oscarvations

Well, here we are again … the 97^th Academy Awards and me, writing my 97^th post about show; okay, so it feels like I’ve been blogging for 97b years! It was a good show, not a great show, and had some fun and funny  moments and some STFU moments, and good fashion and bad fashion, so let’s rip …

The show opened with what I thought was going to be about the recent fires in LA and rebuilding the city but then we had Ariana Grande, in ruby slippers no less, onstage singing ‘Over the Rainbow’ from The Wizard of Oz quite beautifully, followed by Cynthia Erivo giving her gorgeous rendition of ‘Home’ from The Wiz. Then the two united and sang ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked; beautifully done, though of course this queen loved anything Oz-ish.

Conan O’Brien was host and we see a stage hand knocking on his dressing room but he’s not inside. Instead it’s Demi Moore from The Substance giving herself the shot and then collapsing on the floor. Her back rips open and out crawls … Conan, ready to host except … he lost a show. So he dips back into Demi, literally, and retrieves the footwear before heading to the stage  to a voiceover …

Please welcome to the stage, a four-time Oscar … viewer!

And Conan hit the stage …

Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah, awkward. I’m missing some car keys.

Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, starting at four in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch — I don’t understand it.

O’Brien did an extended bit with Adam Sandler, wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts in the audience, which I thought was going to evolve into a Zelenskyy bit about his lack of wearing a suit to meet The Felon; that was a missed opportunity, I thought. But hey, they can’t all be gems, so let’s dig into the show, with some of Cona’s bits sprinkled throughout.

Robert Downey Jr. presents OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR  … Kieran Culkin for A Real Pain. He reminded his wife of a promise she made:

'About a year ago, I was on a stage like this and I very stupidly, publicly said that I want a third kid from her because she said if I won the award she would give me the kid. Turns out she said that because she didn't think I was gonna win. Later, she goes, "Oh god, I did say that. I guess I owe you a third kid." And I turned to her and I said, "Really, I want four,"' and she said  I will give you four when you win an Oscar.'

Andrew Garfield is out to present with Goldie Hawn and some uneasy banter ensues about her career and how loved she is only making her appear old, which she is; they present … BEST ANIMATED FILM … Flow … and then BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM … In the Shadow of Cypress.

Little fact for you: ‘Anora’ uses the F-word 479 times. That’s three more than the record set by Karla Sofía Gascón’s publicist.

O’Brien then pitched his voice up to imitate Gascón’s reps:

You tweeted WHAT?!

The camera cut to Gascón, who seemed to be in on the joke, making prayer hands.

Karla, if you’re going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel.

Lily Rose Depp, Elle Fanning, John Lithgow, Connie Nielsen and Bowen Yang all present … OUTSTANDING COSTUME DESIGN … with Bowen wearing his Wicked costume to … Wicked … and to Paul Tazewell—HOT MAN ALERT—the first Black man to ever with the award.

Amy Poehler is up and, as usual, every time I see her on an awards show stage, my first thought is, ‘Where’s Tina Fey?’ … she says she’s ‘honored to be here to present the two most important awards, Most Athletic and Best Hair but first BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … ‘I believe it was William Shakespeare who said, ‘writing is a bitch’’ … Sean Baker for Anora … then BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Peter Straughan for Conclave

If you haven’t seen ‘Conclave,’ its tagline is: A movie about the Catholic Church, but don’t worry.

Chalamet will not get hit on his bike ride home tonight in that suit

No Smart phones were allowed on the set of Dune. The director didn’t want them Googling what the film was about.

June Squib and Scarlett Johansson are out to present … June says she got a little makeup done and is actually being played by Nosferatu’s Bill Skarsgård … ‘Half the time you see me in public, it’s Bill Skarsgård. The Real June Squib is at home with a book.’ … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP … The Substance

Note to Garfield and Hawn: that’s awards show banter.

Another movie nominated for best picture is ‘I’m Still Here.’ Incredible film. It’s about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel-good movie of the year.

Amazon has taken over creative control of the 007 franchise. They just announced the next James Bond. It’s Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs Steve Belsky! Ladies love him!

Halle Berry looking stunning in Siriano … pays tribute to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and their Bond franchise that they no longer control with singer Lisa singing ‘Live and Let Die’ … Doja Cat giving us ‘Diamonds are Forever’ while literally dripping in gems and Raye singing ‘Skyfall’ and making me long for Adele. Raye’s good, but, c’mon, Adele.

Conan shows off his new film viewing service, Cinemastream … a movie theater screen made up entirely of cell phones for people who don’t go to the movies but watch them on a 3’ by 5” screen.

Timothée Chalamet is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly.

Daryl Hannah is out to present but first says Slava Ukraini, the battle cry of the Ukrainian military in one of the very few political references last night … ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING … Anora and Sean Baker again!

Da'Vine Joy Randolph … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS …  Zoe Saldaña … Emilia Pérez … My fellow nominees, the love and community you showed me, I will pay it forward. Zoe thanks her husband—HOT MAN ALERT—Marco Perego-Saldaña before saying she is the American of Dominican origin to win that award.

Ben Stiller, whom I do not find funny at all, won me over a bit last night after the stage got stuck lifting him up to present so he had to hop up and down before finally crawling out … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Wicked

Mick Jagger … all 81-spry-years of him … stayed tuned later this week for a Tale of Carlos about Mick …is out to present BEST ORIGINAL SONG … I wasn’t the first choice to present this award the producers wanted Bob Dylan but he refused saying the best songs were in A Complete Unknown and he suggested they find somebody younger … so here I am … to—HOT MAN ALERT—Clement Ducol—Camille, and Jaques Audiard for ‘El Mal,’  Emilia Pérez

I really liked Babygirl … in which Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn’t know how to give his wife an orgasm. He described it as the most challenging role of his career.”

A complete unknown and a real Nosferatu; just some of the names I was called on the red carpet tonight.

Selena Gomez and Samuel L. Jackson … BEST DOCUMENTARY  SHORT FILM … The Only Girl in the Orchestra … Molly O’Brien and Lisa Remington … and BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … No Other Land … Basel Adra, Rachel Szor, Hamdan  Ballal, Yuval Abraham

Next up was a Salute to LA Firefighters … after the longest ovation of the night, deservedly so, Conan asks three of them to tell a joke even he wouldn’t say:

Our hearts go out to those who lost their homes and I’m talking about the producers of Joker 2.

To play Bob Dylan Timothee Chalamet had to learn to sing, in fact his signing was so good he almost lost the part.

It’s great to be back with Conan. Usually when he calls he’s stuck in a tree

Miles Teller and Miley Cyrus … two  of my least favorites who seem to think everyone loves them … got news for you, they don’t … BEST SOUND … Dune Pt 2 … Gareth John, Richard King, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill

At the first Oscars Emil Janning won for The Way of the Flesh and two years later he won for the sequel, The Way of the Flesh 2: Electric Flesh-aloo.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is so prestigious and it’s also a sidewalk.

We’re at the halfway point of the show so it’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile.

Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot … BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Dune Pt 2 … Paul Lambert, Stephen, Rhys Salcombe, Gred Nefzer … followed by Ana de Armas and—HOT MAN ALERT—Sterling K BROWN … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … I’m Not A Robot … Victoria Warmerdam and Trent.

Morgan Freeman is out to pay tribute to recently deceased Gene Hackman and then we get The Death Crawl In Memoriam … with a choir … I haven’t heard tell of who got left out of the tribute … yet.

Joe Alwynn—HOT MAN ALERT—Alba Rohrwacher, Zoe Saldaña, Dave Bautista and Willem Dafoe present OUTSTANDING CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Brutalist, Lol Crawley

I loved ‘The Brutalist,’ I really did. I didn’t want it to end, and luckily, it didn’t.

MARK Hamill … looking rode and put away wet … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … The Brutalist Daniel Blumberg

Oprah Winfrey … goddess why is she here … and Whoopi Goldberg salute the career of Quincy Jones before Queen Latifah … why … performs  Ease on Down The Road why … in some sort of Tin Man madness.

If your speech goes on too long we cut to John Lithgow looking slightly disappointed …or show one of your old had shots … Chalamet in the womb .

Penelope Cruz presents BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM …  I’m Still Here … Brazil

If you’re still enjoying the show you have something called Stockholm Syndrome.

Cillian Murphy … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A LEAD ROLE … Adrien Brody—whom I find very hot—The Brutalist … spoke of gratitude and respect and getting along and divisive times and uniting and working together and acting and his parent … in what would have been a good speech if it wasn’t so long that the orchestra attempted to play him off … twice!

Quentin Tarantino … loathsome … full of himself ….obnoxious …. BEST DIRECTOR … Sean Baker, Anora … again … who pleads for people to go to the movies and enjoy film on a big screen

Emma Stone … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE … Mikey Madison, Anora … I had expected Demi Moore to win since she’d won so many awards this year for The Substance …but Mikey read a nice handwritten looooong speech or her college thesis

Anora’s doing well tonight. It picked up two awards, I guess we’re happy to finally see someone stand up to a Russian.

Meg Ryan, finally settling into her new face, and Billy Crystal, the greatest Oscars host ever … I used to work here … … BEST PICTURE … Anora, Sean Baker—his fourth Oscar of the night, Samantha Quan and Alex Coco … who pleaded for more independent films to be made.

And … it was an okay show, no real drama, some funny bits, no surprise except for Demi Moore losing … all in all, I’d give it a Meh+ … goodnight!

Oscar Fashion: Hits, Misses and The Rock

Here we are, another year, another Oscars, with a little pretty and a little ugly, and one that I will have to scrub from my brain to forget that I saw it, so let’s dive right in …

VERY BEST

Fan Bingbing. I know, I’m going to say later that I am over these giant dresses, but this one, with a dress of shimmering silver and a gorgeous green overcoat with sleeves that last forever, is stunningly beautiful.

BEST

Emily Blunt. These column dresses can look a little dull sometimes, especially in white, but the fit and the sleeves and the glitter give this life.

Florence Pugh in yet another big gown, but the black shorts underneath, and the massive platforms bring a bit of punk and edge to this look; extra props for the hair.

Janelle Monae in a color most people won’t like, but I love. I love the shock of color, the bare skin, the bustier top and the regal look on Janelle’s face proving she owns this, and you.

Jessica Chastain. Between the hair … perfection … and the fit … ooh la la … we have a gorgeous sexy, but classy dress. I love the black detail on the front that spills down the back. This is how that’s dine.

Marlee Matlin. I don’t know if she’s had work done, but her face is gorgeous, her hair is fabulous, and I love the idea of a bolero jacket over a skirt trimmed in ostrich feathers.

Sofia Carson. I don’t know; didn’t know she was an actress or a singer but man, is she one gorgeous woman in a gorgeous gown—though, again, where’s the color—and makeup and hair for days. She’s a princess with a little somethin’, somethin’ going on.

Nicole Kidman. Yes, she’s got flowers like Halle Berry, further down, but on this dress they don’t seem like an afterthought. Plus, with the simple tousled hair, and the slinkiness of the gown, Nicole is giving me Evil Queen and y’all know I love an Evil Queen … being one myself.

Angela Bassett is film royalty and nailed it with the regal purple gown for the gods. The hair, the face, the smile, t’s just gorgeous.

BETTER

Ana de Armas shimmered in mermaid dress tinged with a hint of blue. It kinda got washed out with the Oscars new champagne carpet, but it still stunned.

Cara Delivigne could have been swallowed up by this monster ballgown with a flower as big as The Rock's head, but she worked it to pieces.

Michelle Williams. This is how you do a sheer beaded overlay on a dress that doesn’t look like it was  last minute addition. My one quibble, I would have loved some color as the dress kind of washes her out.

Salma Hayek finally put away the granny gowns, with the ruffles and flourishes and gave us shocking orange tinsel and  sequined fringe. Mad props Salma.

GOOD

Halle Bailey in a ruffled tulle under-the-sea moment—she’s the live-action Little Mermaid—with hot pants underneath; it’s young and cool but would have looked cooler in a more modern, less fluffy silhouette.

Danai Gurira in what is really a slinky black ballgown, that keeps it simple and elegant up top, though a bit too full and ballsy on the bottom.

Halle Berry … that other Halle in crisp white with a waist high slit; I was bothered by the flowers, less is kinda more, but e=very time I look at it, it’s the slit that tries too hard to be sexy. That said, Halle looks gorgeous as ever.

Jamie Lee Curtis in a slinky high-necked, long-sleeved sequined dress that looks safe and simple and elegant. She's giving me new age Helen Mirren and y'all know how I feel about that Dame.

Monica Barbaro in another giant gown though this one lost some fabric up top and gave us side boob and flat boob. It just seems a little try hard.

Sigourney Weaver taking a little of the Jamie Lee Curtis effect with a less stern neckline.

MEH

Allison Williams. She’s no Fan Bingbing, and although the sequined dress is stunning, the addition of that enormous overcoat ... that can't even be captured in one photo ... and the shredded fabric at the hem is all too much.

Ariana Dubose. It’s a bit stiff, and I loathe the idea of a train just for the sake of a train. Plus, on E! they showed a dress Halle Berry wore years ago, by Versace the same designer as this one, in black and this looks the same. I mean, if you’re gonna reboot, reboot the original.

Ava Duvernay. I get it, she’s a director and possibly not a fashionista, but this really ages her with its tinfoil wrap and train.

Elizabeth Olsen. I love the dress, which is giving me 1920s fabulousness, but that sheer thing hanging down over it is just too much; the dress, which looked like oil, didn’t need any help.

Hong Chau. I love the color. I love the slightly Asian look; Hong Chau said she asked the designer to add the Mandarin collar. But that black hairy train is literally unforgiveable.

Sarah Polley. Cute. Not Oscar; more West Village Lesbian supper club server. I mean, she could have worn a suit that was more fitting to the occasion cuz this ain't that.

Jennifer Connelly in a black version of Emily Blunt’s column dress, but the lack of sleeves and that sequined lobster bib neck piece do it no good at all; it’s good, not better.

Kerry Condon. Nice color, but man is this dull even with the feather stacked onto a sad little train.

Michelle Yeoh. After a season of some fashion risks, wins and losses, like the black gown with the straw detail, on the front she wore to the SAG awards, Michelle busts out this white feathered wedding gown for Oscar? I had much higher expectations. It’s not Bad, it’s Meh.

Sandra Oh. Goddess I love her, and I love her for wearing color, but unless she’s standing still, hands on hips like this photo, she is swallowed up in fabric. Not a good look Sandy.

BAD

Andie MacDowell wearing designer Boring, and to steal a joke from this weekend’s SNL, it’s from the Kirkland Collection at CostCo.

Elizabeth Banks. It looks like a tornado swept through Hollywood and this is what landed on her. Plus, she looks pissed to be seen in it.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks like cheap couch fabric turned into a really boring gown,

Kate Hudson clearly thinks tin-foil and tulle an Oscar gown make, but what they really make is Jiffy Pop.

WORST

Andrea Riseborough is clearly trying to honor her grandmother by wearing Nana’s wedding gown to The Oscars when she should have saved it for a shopping excursion to Tractor Supply..

Zoe Saldana is one of the most beautiful women, but she ruined it with this tired milk maid negligee looking number.

Ashley Graham. Let’s see … floor length split cape? Check. Bikini top with wraparound straps? Got it. Sheer floor-length skirt over granny panties? Nailed it. Looking good at the Oscars? Missed it.

Mindy Kaling in a stiff, see-through, boned corset, bra topped, long-sleeved, stiff looking lump of blah. Of note, during the show, Kaling presented wearing the exact same dress n black and it looked 1000% better.

WTF

Eva Longoria. Eva Eva Eva, you could almost turn a gay man straight … I kid, that’s impossible … but she can’t even try in this mess; so much going on, pattern and plunge … sequins and rhinestones … sheerness and yet stiffness. Honey. No.

Rooney Mara in a literal sad sack. The hair, the face, the dress … sad.

THE MEN

WHITE HOT, WHITE NOT

Harry Shum twisted the tuxedo, gave it an asymmetrical lapel, lengthened it, and wrapped in a sash creating a kind of East meets West look that totally rocked it.

Paul Mescal. I am not a fan of a white tuxedo jacket, but his flourish with the sequined rose was nice and then he ruined it with the wide legged pants. I can’t with those. I can’t.

BASIC

Austin Butler. I can’t help it; he looks like he’s wasting away and I am so over his relentless I played Elvis and stayed in character for three years “story” and his basic bitch tuxedo. He's giving me starving drenched feral cat and I am so not having it.

Jay Ellis, actor, in a basic tuxedo, but the fit is perfect and he looks sleek and cool and hot.

Michael B. Jordan is the only man who can have a tuxedo tailored to show off his amazing physique and make a grown-assed man dream and … well, let’s leave it at dream.

John Cho took his basic tuxedo to another left, losing the bow tie, added some velvet, and what looks like maybe a vest and looks as sexy and hot as always.

A LITTLE MONOTONE, A LITTLE COLOR 

Danny Ramirez, in what might have been just a tuxedo, but he gave up the white shirt and bow time for a black button down and no tie. Sleek and sexy.

Idris Elba in a royal blue jacket wins; Idris always wins. And yeah, I know, he could have shown up in sweats and still looked hotter than most men.

Gabriel LaBelle brought out the burgundy velvet; he’s a cute little mop top nugget.

Alexander Dreymon is a slab of steaming hot beefcake in a classic tuxedo, but done in cool royal blue velvet.

DIFFERENT DRUMMERS 

Harvey Guillén decided to one up Harry and really worked a tuxedo with a floor-length embroidered coat that gave it flash and edge.

Questlove marches to the beat of his own fashion drummer and for that he gets props; but does he need to march in crocs? Oh.Hell.No.

Jonathan Majors is one hot man; he’s so hot I’d go see a boxing movie just for the scenes with his shirt off, but … really Jonathan? The short pants with your socks exposed? That ain’t a fashion risk, that’s a fashion felony.

Ram Charan also paid tribute to his culture in his choice of tuxedo that has edge and elegances and a hot man wearing it.

Lenny Kravitz brought the rock-and-roll, though I might have loved the shirt being more open and the pants a wee bit tight cuz I’m shallow like that.

Riz Ahmed; f Lenny brought the 70s rock, Rz gave us hints of 50s cool rock. He totally bailed on the tuxedo and gave us wide collar and way open shirt and I am here for it.

WTF

The Rock. I don’t wanna be rude but between the color of the jacket and his oddly shaped bald head he looks like an uncircumcised penis … and not in a good way. Go ahead now, unsee it.

That’s it from me. What did you think?