I Didn't Say It ....

Mitt Romney, GOP Senator from Utah, has called on Congressman  Steve King, the Republican from Iowa,  to resign after King asked why the term “white supremacist” was considered offensive:

“I think he ought to step aside and I think Congress ought to make it very clear he has no place there.” 

Mittsy’s positioning himself as the anti-_____ for 2020, y’all.

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Mitch McConnell, GOP Senate Majority Leader, also slammed King over those remarks:

“There is no place in the Republican Party, the Congress or the country for an ideology of racial supremacy of any kind. I have no tolerance for such positions and those who espouse these views are not supporters of American ideals and freedoms. Rep. King’s statements are unwelcome and unworthy of his elected position.”

Who knew McConnell was such a comedian, because he clearly has no problem with a ‘some Nazi’s are fine people’ president.

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Kevin Hart, who just a month ago vowed not to take up the issue again,  is once again discussing the backlash to his anti-gay jokes and tweets that cost him his position of host of the Oscars:

"It's like, what state of the world do you want comedy to go to? Because ultimately, if we keep pushing in this direction, you're gonna have comics that don't know what's safe to talk about, and now the conversation has changed to people aren't funny anymore because everybody's afraid to be funny. So what level can they be funny? ... We're taking away the ability for people to be comfortable. Everybody. Workplace, work environments, from professional to any aspect of life, now. Everybody's walking on their toes. Everybody's walking on glass. Everybody is!"

Well, Kevin, let’s talk funny …beating a child? You find funny. Beating a child because you’re afraid he might be gay? You find funny.

But people who have had gay friends, gay sons, gay daughters, beaten to death for being gay, aren’t laughing.

But you don’t get it because you’re a one-note, one-laugh, one mind-frame comedic hack.

Siddown.

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Joe Scarborough, blasting Miss Pitty Pat, AKA South Carolina’s GOP Senator Lindsey Graham for morally bankrupting himself to serve _____:

“We’re watching the political, ideological and moral collapse of my old Republican Party. Make no mistake, Donald _____’s amorality is driving this collapse, but his Republican allies on Capitol Hill and in powerful positions across America are too eager and too willing to be his accomplices. I’ve known Lindsey for years, we came in together in Congress in 1994, and Lindsey was always considered to be one of the most genial, reasonable and measured members of Congress. As a presidential candidate in 2016, he routinely warned us of the moral rot that the election of Donald _____ as the party’s nominee would bring to the Republican Party, and he said that unhinged Manhattan developer would destroy the GOP if he were elected. Well, Lindsey was right then, but now he’s one of the administration’s leading henchman in hatching plots to run roughshod over our nation’s traditions and turn the party into a rudderless collection of mini-me Donald _____s. That same Lindsey Graham who actually followed John McCain’s lead for so long is actually the Republican who is using his position as Senate chairman of the Judiciary Committee to encourage Donald Trump to declare a national emergency and illegally seize Article I powers if he doesn’t get his way on the border wall. Think about that for a second, and it is illegal, it will be overturned by the Supreme Court of the United States, and if Lindsey Graham doesn’t know that, then he shouldn’t even be in Congress.”

As I like to tell Miss Pitty Pat on Twitter, I think his sudden ass-smacking loyalty to _____ is because maybe the Russians have something on Miss Lindsey … like she was one of the Russian hookers who peed on _____.

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Kevin Hassett, _____’s top economic adviser, says federal workers are “better off” because of the  shutdown:

“A huge share of government workers were going to take vacation days, say between Christmas and New Year’s, and then we have a shutdown, and so they can’t go to work. So then they have the vacation, but they don’t have to use their vacation days[thus] in some sense they’re better off.”

I have an idea, asshat, you get shutdown; you get told you cannot go to work and can’t, or won’t, get paid. Better yet, you be one of those government workers who still has to work but isn’t getting paid and see how you lie it, you self-entitled bastard.

Oh, and fuck off.

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Janeane Garofalo, standing up for sexual predator Louis CK:

“Leave Louis C.K. alone. Enough with that. And again, there are so many issues we gotta be motivated on. He’s been my friend―and I stand by that―he’s been my friend since 1985, and I think he has suffered… And when he performs at the Comedy Cellar and people get all irate, if nothing else, care about his daughters. If nothing else―if you can find no compassion for him, which I think you should―think about how his daughters, who hear all of this stuff, feel. Why don’t you leave him alone for them if you’re so women-empowering?”

Well, Janeane …your “friend” spent years jerking off in front of women and then denying it ever happened. Your “friend” denigrates anyone whose sexual orientation he doesn’t like, like trans people and gender fluid people.

That’s not funny, unless you’re Kevin Hart, or Louis CK, or, apparently Janeane Garofalo.

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Lindsey Graham, Miss Pitty Pat from South Carolina, worked herself into a tizzy when Fox News  host Chris Wallace asked him about the GOP’s course of action should Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg vacate her seat:

"Well number one, I wish her well and hope she recovers and continues to serve for many years but here's what will happen if there's a vacancy, no matter if from the liberal wing of the court. There will be a lot of pushback from the left. But my Democrat colleagues felt, when they were in charge, we should confirm judges by a majority vote. They changed the rules to accommodate President Obama, they tried to stack the court, they never thought [Hillary Clinton] would lose. I will urge the president to nominate a qualified conservative. Hopefully that person will get through and I expect it to be along party lines. And this is what happens when you change the rules. This has come back to bite them, I predicted it would, and we’ll see. I'm going to be hell-bent to replace [a vacated seat] with a conservative, whoever steps down for whatever reason."

Well, isn’t it funny how she goes from saying the Democrats tried bending the rules to get their way, but then says she’ll do the same exact thing? This from a member of a party who refused, because they’re a bunch of tight-assed old white men who realize that if the country were more liberal, they’d all be out of jobs, to even give a hearing for Merrick Garland?

Oh, Miss Pitty Pat, I am gonna work so hard to see that your flabby, ALLEGEDLY gay ass is removed from office in 2020.

Oh, and fuck off.

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Okay, so you've arrested for drunk-or-drug driving, for kidnapping, for jewel theft, for car accident after car accident after .... you've been in rehab so often there's a revolving door and private elevator to the suite that bears your name at Promises .... your "film" career is in the toilet and you're left with a three-minute cameo on Glee and a sure-to-be-craptastic Lifetime movie .... what to do, what to do?

Talk to Grandma Barbara Walters, of course, for a big prime-time interview to promote your latest comeback. Except, even Barbara Walters won't let you get off easy. There will be tough questions about drugs and burglary and calling your Mama a coke-whore. Now what do you do?

Cancel.

While even today, most celebs wouldn't pull out of  Barbara Walters interviews, Lindsay Lohan's new PR team--her old team up-and-quit last week--Rogers & Cowan confirmed tonight that the actress will not be appearing on ABC’s 20/20, apparently because they were dissatisfied with the direction ABC wanted to take the interview. 

You know, by asking about her arrests and her drama and her mama.

So ....what to do, what to do?

Since, as Lindsay's peeps told Grandma Walters that "Lindsay wasn't up to [the interview]" imagine how fast the dentures flew from Walters yap when she heard that Lindsay is gonna sit down for a Liz & Dick talk with .... wait for it .... Jay Leno!

That makes perfect sense, because Leno won't ask the tough questions, like, Where do you score your drugs? and When you hit-and-run, how high are you? and So, your mother is a coke mule?

Smart move Lindsay, talk to a bad comic, because, well, your career and life are the biggest jokes out there.

I always kinda liked Kirstie Alley.

She used to be a big old coke whore until Scientology brainwashed cleaned her up, and nowadays she spends the same amount of money on flowers that she used to spend on coke, and, well, you can just walk into a shop and order flowers and don’t have to meet the florist in an alley somewhere.

So that's good.

But Alley's also kinda nuts.

She says John "MasseurGroping" Travolta was the "love of her life" and so definitely not gay, even though they never really dated and never even had sex.

She also says Patrick Swayze fell in love with her while they filmed a TV movie back in the day even though they never dated and never had sex. 

In fact, Swayze rejected her and nothing says love affair like Get out of my dressing room before I call security.

In Kirstie’s new book, The Art of Men, the 61-year-old wacktress claims that after a night of dirty dancing and partying, she finally made her move on Patrick, but was ceremoniously rejected.

“I want to make love with you. I just don’t care anymore, let’s just do it,” she remembers telling her hunky co-star in the heat of the moment.

Ever the gentleman, Patrick denied her proposition. “No. Come on, you’re drunk,” he said. “Kirstie, you don’t really want to do it. You’re not that kind of girl.”

While the star would later speak at Patrick’s funeral in 2009, Kirstie reveals she still isn’t sure his wife of 34 years, Lisa Niemi, ever caught wind of their on-set attraction.

“I have no idea if Lisa knows anything about Patrick and I… I was probably the least of Lisa’s problems with Patrick.”

Wow, she comes on to a drunk guy who says Thanks but no and that's a love affair.

I think instead of writing a book, Alley ought to read one; it's called the dictionary and look up the word "affair".

It's like an episode of Friends.

Janeane Garofalo was married for 20 years and didn’t even know it, until she needed to get divorced.

At the New York Comedy Festival reunion for The Ben Stiller Show Garofalo said that she married a writer on the series—Rob Cohen, who now produces The Big Bang Theory—in Las Vegas as a joke in the 1990s, and didn’t realize the nuptials had stuck.

“Rob and I got married, for real, which we had to have a notary dissolve not 30 minutes before we got here tonight,” Garofalo said. “We were married for 20 years until this evening....We got married drunk in Vegas....We dated for a year, and we got married at a drive-through chapel in a cab. [We thought] you have to go down to the courthouse and sign papers and stuff, so who knew? We were married, and apparently now that [Rob] is getting married for real, his lawyer dug up something.”

Maybe they have the same lawyer as Ross and Rachel?

I mean, I can understand getting drunk in Vegas, and I can even, kind of, understand getting drunk married in Vegas, but I cannot understand not knowing that getting drunk married in Vegas is .... getting married!

Unless you've been drunk for twenty years.

Shia LaBeouf loves his hats, so, you know, don't touch it.

He was at the neighborhood pub, Hobgoblin, in London, and spent several hours drinking--and maybe getting drunk married ... or just drunk--and happily posed for photos with fans. But the mood turned sour when a prankster grabbed Shia's baseball cap off'a his head.

A scuffle broke out and pub patrons separated the pair before Shia left in a taxi. Police were not called.

One witness said: “No one could believe that a well-known Hollywood star had rocked up at a bar in dingy SE14. Everyone was getting their photos taken with him. [But[ the scrap all started when this guy took his hat. I think he was just joking, but Shia didn’t like it. The guy just took it off him and wouldn’t give it back. He tried to get it back and they ended up tussling. It was handbags really. But it shows that even Hollywood stars can’t avoid grief down this way.”

Wait.

Was it a cap or a handbag, and if it was a handbag, is beefy Shia a team player?

Oh, handbags is kinda Brit-speak for ... well, something other than Shia LaBeouf is gay.

My bad. I best be quiet unless Shia wants to scuffle with me.

Or, better yet, leave his hat alone.

I’m guessing she’s out of chardonnay and cocaine, and needed a score, so Dina Lohan sat down for another interview to discuss her daughter-slash-bank account, Lindsay.

And right out of the gate she called Lohan a liar.

“Absolutely lied. We were having an argument, it escalated,” explains Dina of their October altercation in the limo. “She just wanted to hurt me at that moment. You know, mothers [and] daughters, we fight.”

My sister used to fight with my mom like that and I remember when she said my mom was “on cocaine” and … oh wait, mothers and daughters don’t fight like that, Lohans fight like that.

As for accusations that she uses cocaine, Dina replies, “I hate cocaine. I don’t do cocaine.”

She refused to answer questions about meth and boxed wine, however.

After Lindsay proclaimed that she was not being truthful about her coke-whore mother, Dina says, “I’m so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I mean, I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was, and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I’m very proud of her for that, which is very difficult to have to do.”

You cried for weeks? Um, Dina, you delusional, drug-addled alcoholic, Lindsay changed her story the next day. If you cried for weeks it’s probably because your dealer wanted to wait a couple of weeks until the heat died down before he brought coke into your house again.

But, what killed me about this is when, whilst discussing the sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime movie Liz Loves Her Some Dick, Dina mentioned all of the similarities between Lindsay Lohan and Elizabeth Taylor.

With a straight, albeit Botoxed and coke hardened, face.

She said, “It’s uncanny, the similarities between Lindsay and Elizabeth…”

Both child stars. Check.

Both went to rehab. Well, one went many many times, and many many times more.

Both robbed a jewelry store.

Both drink and drive and hit and run and walk out on hotel bills and make crap Lifetime movies and porn films.

Oops. Not so similar.

Maybe Lindsay should do a Lifetime movie on Linda Lovelace and then we’ll have more similarities to discuss.

And the crazy continues ….

It seems as if Katie Holmes has a new name for her daughter Suri.

A source close to Kati—and I think it’s one of those Church of Scientology stalkers-- explains that she’s been calling Suri “Sara” in public “so as not to attract attention.”

The 6-year-old with the unique—and internationally recognizable—name is trying to avoid “privacy issues,” the source further tells In Touch. “Everyone in the world knows Suri Cruise, so if Katie or a babysitter says, ‘Suri,’ people immediately look to find her.”

Katie was recently overheard referring to her daughter as “Sara” to her Dead Accounts co-stars at rehearsals and luckily, the first-grader seems to love her other name. Last August, Suri was at Build-A-Bear Workshop requesting that her stuffed animal be named “Sara”.

Is this good? Make your child answer to a different name in public? I mean, when Suri is with the nanny or babysitter or bodyguard, who knows she’s Suri?

I think it’s all a ploy to get Tommy to top[le off’a his high heels.