I Didn't Say It ...

Herschel Walker, GOP candidate for senator from Georgia and the gift that keeps on giving, apparently referring to Raphael Warnock … or not:

“I’ve always been very transparent. I’ve been very transparent. And I will be a champion for mental health because I’ve helped so many people that had a mental health problem. I think a lot of families have a lot of struggles with mental health, and I will be a champion for that. And they can continue to bring all this, what they want to do against me, because people know what I stand for, Herschel Walker is still standing. My bike is not bent so anyone can ride my bike like he’s going to have Chuck Schumer and Joe Biden riding his bike because he’s going to be voting for whatever they say.”

Wait. So he’s transparent and has helped people with mental illnesses and will continue to do that, and he stands because he’s still standing, except he’s on a bike that isn’t bent.

Seriously Georgia?

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Andrew Napolitano, former Fox News host, says Thing 45 will be indicted soon:

“Even a cursory review of the redacted version of the affidavit submitted in support of the government’s application for a search warrant at the home of [Thing 45] reveals that he will soon be indicted by a federal grand jury for three crimes: Removing and concealing national defense information [NDI], giving NDI to those not legally entitled to possess it, and obstruction of justice by failing to return NDI to those who are legally entitled to retrieve it. In a monumental irony, both Julian Assange … and Edward Snowden …  stand charged with the very same crimes that are likely to be brought against [Thing 45]. On both Mr. Assange and Mr. Snowden, [Thing 45] argued that they should be executed. Fortunately for all three, these statutes do not provide for capital punishment.”

It does not look good for the former Racist-Rapist-Traitor-Grifter-Adulterer-Syphilitic-Asshat-in-Chief.

And I am here for that.

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Jonathan Karl, on ABC This Week, speaking on the GOP’s concerns with Thing 45:

“Publicly, what they’re saying is this is rallying Republicans to [Thing 45]’s defense. This makes it more likely that he will run for president, more likely that he will win the Republican nomination. Campaigning against this political action by the FBI and the DOJ. Privately, they are really concerned. And one of the big concerns here is that [Thing 45] has nobody defending him. If you look at his legal team, it is comically inept and inexperienced. All of the big names who defended him through the first two impeachments, through the Mueller investigation, they are gone. There is real concern that he needs to bring in a heavy hitting criminal defense attorney. I know of several that have been approached who have said no. I even know of one prominent criminal defense attorney who was approached who didn’t even return the phone call.”

Well, no high-level lawyer will work for him because, mostly, he’s guilty AF, and also because he doesn’t pay his lawyers.

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Lindsey Graham, South Carolina GOP Senator , "confirmed bachelor" and Thing 45 ass-kisser, threatening violence is Thing 45 is prosecuted:

“If there’s a prosecution of [Thing 45] for mishandling classified information, after the Clinton debacle … there’ll be riots in the streets. Most Republicans, including me, believes when it comes to Trump, there is no law. It’s all about getting him.”

Oh ma’am, why keep talking, because he will be indicted for some of his crimes, though not all, and if the state of Georgia finds you complicit in election interference, maybe you and Thing 45 can share a cell. Think of it: showers together, meals together, bedtime together, and no Melanie to get in the way.

You’ll finally be Missus Thing 45.

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Tucker Carlson, on global warming:

“The Europeans have discovered that the real threat to human civilization is not global warming, it never was global warming. The real threat to people is global cooling, otherwise known as winter. Far more people freeze to death every year than die of heat. In 2019, for example, four times as many people died of cold as of heat. That’s according to the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation. So when temperatures in Europe begin to drop a few months from now, this is a huge problem and that will be obvious to everyone. It’s not global warming, it’s global cooling. That’s what’s going to kill your grandmother.”

The stupid, it burns. I cannot figure out if Fucker Carlson is really this stupid, or if he thinks his audience is so stupid it will buy the ‘no such thing as global warming because it’s cold in Europe’ line of BS.

Either way, Fucker Carlson is a useless lump of flesh. 

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Ted Cruz, speaking on his podcast about student loan debt forgiveness:

“If you are that slacker barista who wasted seven years in college studying completely useless things, now has loans, and can’t get a job, Joe Biden just gave you twenty grand. Like, holy cow, that twenty grand, you know, maybe you weren’t gonna vote in November and suddenly, you just got twenty grand. And you know, if you can get off the bong for a minute and head down to the voting station, or just send in your mail-in ballot that the Democrats have helpfully sent you, it could drive up turnout, particularly among young people.”

Funny, I guess Ted Cruz, the self-entitled Cancun-going, airport whining, Lauren Boebert pimping asshat thinks the only people with student loans are slackers. I guess all the teachers and nurses and doctors and lawyers still paying off their bills might wanna reconsider supporting the GOP since that party holds them in such disregard.

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Bobservations

Not a Carlos story because he’s been extra busy this week, but a story about me, and how I relate, or actually don’t relate, to children, well, babies.

A co-worker has a new baby about nine months old and for some reason she brought him into work the other day, carrying him around and showing him off like a prizewinning pie at a state fair. I don’t goo-goo at babies; and the only reason people trot out these infants is for people to say how beautiful their babies are. I was walking down the hallway when I heard her say:

“That’s Bob. Say Hi to Bob.”

I pretended not to hear. I mean, the kid can barely form a fist and cannot form a word, and she thinks he can say ‘Hi.’ I kept walking. I stopped in to speak with another co-worker, Dillon, and was telling him that this woman had brought The Baby into work. He also doesn’t know what to say when people show you their infant children, and we were laughing about seeing the baby and simply saying:

“Hello.”

Sand then suddenly The Baby is in the office with mama and she says:

“Oh, here’s Dillon and Bob. Say ‘Hey!’”

I turned and before I could even get out my droll, ‘Hello,’ Dillion walks up, fist bumps the baby and says:

“How ya doin’, little dude? I love your sweater. And that’s a cool haircut.”

From under the bus I said:

“Hello.”

Note to the world: unless I’m related to the child I am really not interested in seeing The Baby.

I mean, come on people, he’s a cat and he can see the hypocrisy written all over Joe Manchin’s entitled face.

In an excerpt from the soon-to-be-released Betrayal by ABC News’s Jonathan Karl writes that Thing 45 was “intrigued” by a theory presented to him by Justice Department official Jeffrey Clark, whom Thing 45 wanted to install as acting attorney general:.

“[Clark] believed that wireless thermostats made in China for Google by a company called Nest Labs might have been used to manipulate voting machines in Georgia.”

Thermostats. Really.

Joel Osteen’s Houston megachurch, Lakewood Church, has repaid the government $4.4 million in pandemic loans after going viral for the outrageous handout.

Osteen, worth $50 million, took $4.4 million in taxpayer-funded Paycheck Protection Program loans at the height of the COVID pandemic last year. Osteen owns a $300,000 Ferrari and a $10.5 million mansion, and travels on his own luxury jet, but appears on TV and in the pulpit urging people to not “focus on what [they] have or don’t have.”

Osteen is the same man of “god” who was forced to open his church to victims of Hurricane Harvey after an uprising on social media. The “god”-fearing Osteen didn’t want dirty homeless people in his church.

He, of course, can fuck all the way off.

This week Tesla CEO Elon Musk confirmed that he is moving his company from California to Texas because California Assemblywoman Lorena Gonzalez Tweeted this to him:

“F—k Elon Musk.”

All the money in the world cannot buy Elon Mush granny panties that don’t get twisted.

Imagine being Michael Elizabeth Pence and being so delusional that you refer to a day when your rabid followers chanted that they wanted to hang you by your neck until you were dead as “One day in January.”

Delusional and traitorous. And stupid.

From Funny and Stupid we have the story of a woman, identified only as M.O., who is suing GEICO for $1 million for catching HPV while fucking in a car that was insured by them. M.O. and a man identified as M.B. were apparently raw-dogging it in M.B.’s 2014 Hyundai Genesis in late 2017 and M.O. contracted anogenital human papillomavirus and decided to sue GEICO got her $1 million lawsuit.

Welcome to America where you can sue a car insurance company for contracting an STD while fucking in a car.

This week in Would You Hit It we have Diego Miguel, a forty-one-year-old Brazilian underwear and fashion model. So I ask you again, Would You Hit It?