The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Ed Hall, Bill Day, Nick Anderson, Adam Zyglis, Ed Wexler, Scott Stantis, Darrin Bell, John Cole, Gary Varvel

It's Snarkurday .... But First, A Favor

If y’all just take a minute and send some positive thoughts to my brother, David, and his wife, Debbie, in California. They have lost their house and everything in it to the Paradise fire.

They are both okay, as are their pets, but now it’s a matter of rebuilding …

Send good thoughts their way … thanks.

We all know Alec Baldwin has a short fuse and that one day he’d be arrested for his temper, but who knew it would involve a parking space?

Yup, Alec Baldwin ALLEGEDLY punched someone while fighting over a New York City parking spot. Now, to be fair, parking your car in a Manhattan garage can cost a literal arm and a leg, but surely Baldwin has those kinds of coins, so why is he dueling it out for a sweet street spot?

Well, it’s because he claims he had a friend hold the spot for him—was he lying down in it—until some man managed to slip in without running over the Baldwin friend. And that’s when Alec went all … Alec … screaming “Fuck off!” and becoming more and more enraged until he punched the unnamed guy in the jaw.

This isn’t the first time Alec has been arrested, but it’s more fun than the previous time when he was collared for riding a bicycle on the wrong side of the road and not having his ID on him.

Now he’s punching out strangers because they pulled a swift one on his Parking Dog.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently still thinks she’s a big star … because one of her representatives—and that may be just the guy on the nearest bar stool—went begging for deals on a Facebook group for publicists and marketers asking that interested parties should “reach out if you rep a brand that is interested in endorsement opportunities with Lindsay.”

The rep then suggested that “acceptable brands include: fashion, beauty, car, lifestyle, CPG, fitness/lifestyle, food/drinks, entertainment/media, tech. Must have a substantial budget.”

He got three responses.

I get more than that for a picture of Tuxedo on my Timeline.

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Kim Kardastrophe, who once famously claimed, on social media, that she would dial back her social media activity, is now using … wait for it … social media, to explain why she’s an idiot.

Kim, and her BFF … not her husband … Jonathan Cheban, went to Kendall’s Halloween party dressed as Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee at the 1999 MTV VMAs because …? There is no answer.

And naturally Kardastrophe spent most of the evening filming herself and then posting it to Instagram asking people to guess her costume. And it turned out most people couldn’t figure it out … remember, she went as a has-been actress from 1999 … when most of her “fans” were still in utero, she got a little testy.

So, testy in fact, that she said, of one of the people who doesn’t know, or give a flying eff, about Pamela Anderson, “retarded.”

Yes. She did. And quicker than you can say Gimme more hits on social media she was back on social media apologizing for using the ‘R’ word:

“I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

You’d think being married to a lunatic would make her be more careful when choosing her words, but, you know, she’s an idiot.

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I do love some Emma Thompson …

She was recently appointed a Dame and Prince William awarded her the honor, with Thompson posting to social media:

“I love Prince William. I’ve known him since he was little, and we just sniggered at each other. I said, ‘I can’t kiss you, can I?’ And he said, ‘No, don’t!’”

I guess we’re all lucky it wasn’t Harry who proclaimed her a Dame; who knows what she might have asked to do with Hot Prince Ginger.

I have some ideas … but only for when Harry makes me a Dame!

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Back to the Kardastrophe that is Kim.

Remember when she became famous for doing a porn film with her then-boyfriend Ray J?
Well, now her co-star in that epic film is ALLEGEDLY talking, and not talking, about their sexy times together.

Ray J claims Kimmy would stop, mid-f**k, to reapply her make-up or to take a phone call from That Woman … who was probably directing the sex from a closed-circuit TV somewhere.

Naturally, retired porn star Kim Kardastrophe took to Twitter to call Ray J a pathological liar.

Bitch, look in a mirror. But maybe Ray J got a’scurred of That Woman’s evil powers because now he’s walking back his original story with a much longer, more boring version:

“I felt like I needed to come online and shut down all of these false rumors that are going on about me and what I said about somebody I’ve been with in the past… Let me make this one thing clear: I’m in a great place in my life. I’m happy. I love my wife. I’ve got a beautiful new baby girl, her name is Melody Love Norwood and I’ve been trying to be the best parent I can be. I would never say these things after watching my wife go through labor for 28 hours, okay? This is disgusting. The person I am now is not who I was in the past. And I need y’all to give me a chance to grow and to love and to respect the people I’m with without trying to slander my name, please. God is working, and obviously the devil is trying to work, too, but it will not happen. I will not let that happen, y’all… I love my wife and I have nothing but respect for everybody out there, past and present. False rumors.”

That’s a whole lotta nothing, and, you know, who doesn’t believe Kim would postpone the sex to fix her face, even her old one, or call her mama, or post a selfie?

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Sometimes, no matter how good you think you look, you shouldn’t be brag about your beauty costs.

Real Housewife of New Jersey, and ex-con, Teresa Giudice announced that she spends $22,077 a month on her beauty routine.

That’s a lot of pancake to spatula on and spray tanning via firehose. And when you consider all the money she is going to have to fork over for an immigration attorney in the coming months to keep her husband Joe from being deported after he gets out of the Big House, maybe Giudice ought to stick with budget Maybelline and Dollar Store Botox.

Amirite?

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Last spring, Judith Nathan Giuliani filed for divorce from Rudy Giuliani, claiming he was both a liar and a cheat …and not to mention a literal member of the rat family. But now Judy is adding more to her list of complaints about Rudy; she says he’s overspending their money and that he’s a fool.

That last one is a given.

Recent court documents accuse Rudy of spending $900,000 since their divorce filing, with a buttload going for his new mistress, cigars and … pens.

Pens? Pens. Yes, Rudy spent about $12,000 on cigars since he asked his wife to divorce him so he could marry his next mistress, and also bought $7,100 worth of pens. He’s also accused of spending $286,532 on his ALLEGED mistress, the still very married, Maria Rosa Ryan and $447,938 “for his own enjoyment”—wouldn’t that also be Maria?—as well as $165,165 “for travel expenses”.

And best of all, while Rudy is buying someone else’s wife and cigars and Bics, he is also claiming he cannot pay the third future ex-Mrs. Giuliani any support because he is “dealing with a diminished income” since he quit his law practice to go work for Donald Trump “for free”.

Free. That’s rich. The only thing Giuliani does for free is his mistresses ... until he leaves his wife, and then he starts paying.

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It's Snarkurday!

Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones. I’m so glad she’s taken her life back and decided to finally stop feeling bad about being a beautiful rich white woman.

While promoting the Facebook series Queen America … whatever that is … the 48-year-old [?] CZJ is finally taking off the shackles of being humble:

“One thing I’m not is humble any more. I’m sick of being humble. I really am. ‘So sorry I’m rich, so sorry I’m married to a movie star, so sorry I’m not so bad looking. No sorrys. Enough. All that is important to me now is my work. That’s what I love and the rest of my life is a joy because I’ve got two beautiful kids and a healthy, happy husband. It’s all good, and I’m not going to be humble for that either.”

Sorry you’re a self-entitled bitch. Now, go.

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Speaking of going, Liza would like anyone who wants to talk about Renée Zellweger playing her Mama, Judy Garland, in the upcoming Judy, to step aside as she has no time for you.

Recently Radar Online posted a story entitled Renée Zellweger Bonds With Liza Minnelli While Playing Mom Judy Garland In Biopic and Liza decided to Oh Hell no that yarn because, as Mimi once said famously of JLo:

“I don’t know her.”

Liza says:

“I have never met nor spoken to Renee Zellweger… I don’t know how these stories get started, but I do not approve.”

Radar has since removed the story.

Liza didn’t explain why she’s opposed to Judy, but maybe the continued exploitation of her Mama is still too much … or maybe the post was actually written by one Anne Hathaway, who’d hoped to play Judy in her own d-i-sastrous film.

Just sayin’.

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Roseanne Barr is still trying to defend being a racist Twitter troll.

First was the Ambien defense.

Then came the It was a joke defense.

Then there was the idea that she thought Valerie Jarrett was of Saudi and Jewish descent which makes it okay to call her a Muslim ape.

And now this …

“Thomas Muhammad has agreed to speak for me, as he knows the work I have done in civil rights against racism ALL MY LIFE & understands my tweet was about Iran's regime, not race-The website is: http://www.bbunity.com.”

Then she added:

“Rod Serling wrote Planet of The Apes. It was about anti-Semitism. That is what my tweet referred to-the anti-Semitism of the Iran deal. Low IQ ppl can think whatever they want.”

Or people who know a racist tool when they see one.

Go sit by CZJ and wait for the bus to nowhere; you have a seat in the back.

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Clearly this is about keeping the Cosby Coins, but rumor has it that Camille Cosby is finally ready to divorce her sexual predator husband, Bill.

Once upon a time, Camille tried to say the dozens and dozens and dozens of sexual misconduct and rape allegations against her husband were a witch hunt akin to the murder of Emmet Till—yes, she sank that low—but now Camille has apparently left Bill’s side and is staying in their Massachusetts manse all alone …well, alone with her chef, her drivers, and her three grown children.

Bill is staying in Pennsylvania awaiting sentencing.

It smells to me like the divorce is a ploy to get the Jell-O money and hand it to Camille and the kids so when those dozens and dozens of civil suits are filed Mrs. C won’t be a broke-ass b*tch.

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Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t at the Tony Awards last weekend, but he still shot off a series of live Tweets, one of which was one of those Mimi-JLo lines … “I don’t know her” … things aimed at “backstage host” Rachel Bloom. Sadly, the joke fell flat and Bloom wasn’t feeling the NPH hate; she told GQ:

“No, no, no. It wasn’t a joke  … I saw that tweet. And I was kind of devastated. I was actually going to tweet, “This makes me sad.” But then I was like, “Ehhhhhhhhhh … I don’t want to give him that, necessarily.” Look. I’ve met him a couple times. Very recently, backstage in the dressing room of a Broadway show. And we hung out for a solid 15 minutes with the star of this Broadway show. It was just bizarre to me that it wouldn’t ring a bell. And also, that he wouldn’t Google it.”

Oh, and Bloom’s husband was a writer on NPH’s old show How I Met Your Mother And the two have met … several times. But then Bloom threw her own shade back at NPH:

“But look, he’s not a writer, so his version of a Twitter joke is to just kind of … live-comment to Twitter followers with kind of random, unformed thoughts. And fame does that to you—where you think every kind of random, unformed thought is a gem, because you get 10,000 likes from it. “

NPH felt the heat and, of course, Twit-pologized:

“Sincere apologies to @Racheldoesstuff for my Tony tweet. I failed to research her before pressing ‘send’, and what I thought was a funny comment in our living room must have been far from funny to read, backstage, mid show. As a performer and a parent, I should have known better.”

Rachel has accepted his apology and once again all is right in the universe! At least on Broadway!

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Judith Nathan Giuliani is about to quit a bitch … a bitch called Rudy …and she is talking no prisoners.

See, according to Judy, Rudy has ALLEGEDLY been boning one Maria Rosa Ryan since right before he kicked Wife #3 to the curb. Judy filed for divorce five days after Rudy and The Side-Piece were spotted getting cozy at a ­hotel in Maine. No word on whether Maria has filed for divorce, though.

No word on why anyone would ever marry Rudy Giuliani, much less him anywhere near you. I get the skeeves just seeing his picture.

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So, speaking of marriages on the Rocks … the rumor going around is that after 19 years of marriage, Victoria Beckham and David Beckham are done after a rumor broke that Beckham had bent it into one of their daughter’s teachers.

Now, both their reps—they each have their own, nothing to see there—have denied the tryst, and point out that Posh and Becks, and their brood, are set to do a photo shoot for Vogue. And, while that may seem like they’re staying together for the kids, others say they’re staying together for the coins … 500 million of them.

Anyone can have kids, but it takes a lot of work to earn a half-billion dollars and who wants to part with even half of that?

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Oh Jeff Lewis, that mouth of yours.

Lewis, the star of Bravo’s Flipping Out and his partner, Gage Edward, hired a woman to be their surrogate and carry their daughter Monroe. It all worked out fine and made for a Very Special Episode of Flipping Out but … now the surrogate, Alexandra Trent, is suing Jeff and Gage, and she has a mighty fine case.

It seems that the relationship between the Daddy’s and The Surrogate went south after Lewis made an off-color joke about Trent’s vagina while she was giving birth to his child:

“If I was a surrogate, and I had known there was going to be an audience, I probably would have waxed. And that was the shocking part for Gage. I don’t think Gage had ever seen a vagina, let alone one that big.”

So last week, Alexandra Trent filed suit claiming that Lewis and Edward had humiliated her and left her “deeply damaged” by making the “disgusting” comment on the show; she also accused Bravo and Flipping Out producers Authentic Entertainment of filming her vagina without permission, claiming that she had never given consent to have her delivery filmed and that it “caused incredible anguish, self-loathing, contempt and depression.”

I think she has a strong case, though I cannot imagine that she had no idea that Jeff Lewis is kind of a pig who says inappropriately rude things to anyone and everyone all the time.

Still, I sense Jeff Lewis will be a surrogate for Alexandra Trent’s bank account.

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Another shocking marital break-up in Hollywood.

Jenny Garth’s third husband, actor Dave Abrams, has filed for divorce just shy of the second anniversary.

Jennie and Dave met on a blind date in late 2014 and were engaged four months later, then married two months after that, so they’re used to doing things fast … date, proposal, marriage, divorce in under four years!

When Dave filed for divorce he requested that Jennie be denied spousal support though he said that, ahem, “everything is chill” between the splitting up couple and that they would “remain friends.” 

Maybe not; last week Jennie filed a response to Dave’s divorce and asked the court to terminate any ability Dave might have of requesting spousal support, citing that the 37-year-old actor signed a prenuptial agreement.

She still has 90210 coins, you know, and doesn’t want Dave’s greasy hands on them because, well, who the f%k is Dave Abrams? Dave’s acting resume is slim at best; he has played “cool guy” on one episode of 2 Broke Girls and has a few “uncredited” roles …Hollywood-speak for “extra.”

Meanwhile she was Kelly Taylor! Know what I mean?

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Wait, what? Jason Mraz is a bi guy?

Well, the 40-year-old Mraz has been a longtime supporter of the LBGTQ community and recently wrote a love poem to our people for Billboard and Pride Month in which he includes the line:

“I am bi your side.”

Play on words or into more than one gender? Jason’s hinted several times in the past that he’d be fine with trying out a gay … raises hand … and was maybe, kinda, sorta, about dating his gay best friend back in 2005:

“It wasn’t until we were out for dinner on Valentines Day that I realized we both we’re having a very romantic time together. Right before I moved to California he gave me a strong-willed kiss goodbye, which I have never experienced before. Unfortunately, he had a little bit more facial hair than I like.”

Here’s Mraz’s full poem:

“Dear You,
Thank you.
You have inspired me.
Re-wired me.
You showed me what strength is.
You demonstrated courage over and over again.
You risked so much for love.
You never compromised your expression
Even when
Your rights and freedoms were being compromised.
You stood up for me.
You stood up for the world.
And now the world is better because of you.
We still have a long way to go
But know
I am bi your side.
All ways.”

Am I gonna have to head to the warehouse for a toaster oven, Jason?

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Go ahead laugh, but we’ve already elected one dimwitted asshat of a reality star as president so is the idea that one Kim Kardastrophe-West might run for office one day too far-fetched?

Kardastrophe-West recently stepped into the spotlight of the ACLU by getting herself some airtime as the savior who freed Alice Marie Johnson, non-violent drug offender who was serving a disproportionate-to-the-crime life sentence without the possibility of parole. And she …or maybe it was her giant ass … convinced _____ to commute Johnson’s sentence and now she has told CNN that she wouldn’t say no to running for POTUS.

Seriously. Don’t think it can’t happen?  And think about Kanye as the First Lunatic!

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