The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, David Horsey, Ed Hall, Steve Breen, Bill Bramhall, David Fitzsimons, Kevin Siers, Steve Sack, Christopher Weyant, Matt Wuerker, Nick Anderson, Mike Smith, Jack Ohman, Walt Handelsman, Darrin Bell

The Funny Papers

Check back tomorrow morning for the story behind this cartoon.

Darrin Bell, Steve Sack, Joe Heller, Mike Luckovich, Marshall Ramsey, Jim Morin, Kevin Siers, Nick Anderson, Scott Stantis, Clay Bennett, Steve Breen

Random Musings

Scott Pruitt, the environmentally unsound the head of the EPA, is having a secure soundproof booth installed in his office for some $25,000.00 so he can communicate without being monitored.

Paranoid much? Or, perhaps he’s hiding something. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

In the wake of Hurricane Maria, nearly all of Puerto Rico is without power and water and food, and because it’s an island most of the supplies will arrive by boat; and therein lies the rub.

Puerto Rico has to wait until American boats can reach its shores with supplies because of an obscure, World War I-era shipping law, the Jones Act, that the ______ administration is refusing to waive. The Jones Act requires goods shipped between American ports to be carried out exclusively by US-built ships, and to have US owners and crews.

But _____’s decision to keep the Jones Act in place shows his complete lack of interest in helping Puerto Ricans—AKA US citizens—living on a devastated island because his administration quickly lifted the Jones Act to help Texas and Florida after hurricanes Harvey and Irma.

But, you know, it’s Puerto Rico, and most folks are brown-skinned Hispanics so ... the Bigot-In-Chief is loathe to help.

If you remember last Sunday’s football games where many players and owners took a knee in protest of racism in this country and racism by the current president, that there was one player who took the field to stand, hand over heart, during the anthem: Alejandro Villanueva. But, Villanueva says he never intended to stand alone during the anthem and has apologized to his team for what he called “a very embarrassing” botching of the team’s pregame plan:

"Every single time I see that picture of me standing by myself, I feel embarrassed. We butchered our plan.”

Villanueva, an Army Ranger who served in Afghanistan, had asked quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and other team leaders to amend their original idea, which was to stand in the locker room during the anthem in an attempted show of unity, and instead stand at the front of the tunnel during the anthem and not take the field until after. That didn’t work out due to what Roethlisberger called pregame “chaos” and so Villanueva was left to stand alone with his teammates about 20 feet behind him. It was widely perceived by the rightwing media that he’d gone rogue.

Not so; Villanueva says he takes no offense to players who kneel during the anthem in protest of “injustices and racial divide,” including former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who knelt for the anthem in protest of police brutality and racial injustice last season:

“I take no offense. I don’t think veterans at the end of the day take any offense. They actually signed up and fought so that somebody could take a knee and protest peacefully whatever it is that their hearts desire.”

Sadly, our president, who dodged the draft five times, never learned how to be so enlightened, or even learned what the Constitution means.

Gosh, haven’t there been some awkward moments between Melania _____ and her husband since he took office last January?

Remember when he walked ahead of her, not holding a door for her, and basically ignored her?  Remember the video of Melania smacking _____’s tiny hand away as they walked down the tarmac after arriving in Tel Aviv? Remember when the married couple actually exchanged a stiff handshake after she introduced him at Andrews Air Force Base last week?

They’re at it again; during a visit to Fort Myers, Florida, last week to survey the aftermath of Hurricane Irma, _____ sent his regards on behalf of his absent wife:

"I just want to thank everybody, the first responders, on behalf of myself, our Vice President—Melania really wanted to be with us."

Oops. The Missus was standing right next to him, stone-faced and ignored. Free Melania!

Outlander is filled with hot men and last week’s episode was no except, with Aussie actor, David Berry, taking on the role of Major John William Grey, the warden at the prison where Jamie Fraser is being held.

He’s a gorgeous man, and his story line, where he talks of a special bond between he and another soldier, was quite the tearjerker.

I wanted to hold him and tell him it would be all right, but that’s just me.

Back to _____ and his special brand of “I’m not a racist” racism ... after making those controversial comments about the NFL and the sons of bitches who kneel, _____ moved on to the NBA, Tweeting that the Golden State Warriors—the 2017 NBA Champions—were no longer invited to the White House after Warrior guard Stephen Curry said:

“I don’t want to go ... my beliefs stay the same. By acting and not going, hopefully that will inspire some change when it comes to what we tolerate in this country, what is accepted and what we turn a blind eye toward.”

And so that left the Toddler-In-Chief to TwitRage:

“Going to the White House is considered a great honor for a championship team. Stephen Curry is hesitating, therefore invitation is withdrawn!”

Um, Don? Yeah, you can’t invite someone to your house and then when they decline act like you never invited them? Sad.

Also sad this week was when _____ deleted his Tweets of support for Luther Strange to become Alabama’s newest Senator. _____ had boasted that, because of his support, Strange was soaring in the polls ... until Election Day when he lost to Roy Moore. And then _____ apparently thought he could delete those Tweets and no one would remember that his guy was the loser.

Sad ... again.

And segueing again ... speaking of Roy Moore ... oh Alabama, this Republican you chose to fill Beauregard Sessions' seat—if he wins against the Democrat—is high-larious.

While campaigning, Moore often toured the state by that bus up there, with the website for his campaign proudly listed:

AlabamaDerservesMoore.com

Oh, yes, they totally derserve him.

Last week in snark we talked Jeffrey Mezger, the CEO of KB Home, one of the largest homebuilding companies in the country, being recorded on tape calling his neighbor, Kathy Griffin a “c**t” and a “bald faced d**e.”

Words cost, Jeff, because now KB Home has slashed Mezger’s bonus by up to 25% for his vicious vile attack.

Now maybe he’ll learn to choose his words more carefully.

Right before the GOP’s latest attempt to Repeal and Replace Obamacare—or, as I like to call it, Strip Millions of Healthcare—chaos erupted in the Senate chambers as pro-healthcare protesters from ADAPT—which stands for Americans Disabled Attendant Programs Today—made their presence heard:

“No cuts to Medicaid, save our liberty!”

And GOP Senators reacted angrily as police swooped in to remove the demonstrators, but look up there at Senator Bill Cassidy, who penned the bill with Lindsey Graham.

Yes, as protesters in wheelchairs are being dragged out of the Senate, he’s yawning. Maybe that’s another reason this latest attempt failed.

And now back to Steph Curry and that rescinded invite by _____ for the NBA championship team to visit the White House; the team is still going to DC because, well, the trip was already planned, but they are snubbing ______, and rubbing his nose in it, too, along with help from DC Mayor Muriel Bowser who invited them to visit her city in the first place:

That last line is a kicker!

And here’s the Warriors’ official statement on the matters:

“In lieu of a visit to the White House, we have decided that we’ll constructively use our trip to the nation’s capital in February to celebrate equality, diversity and inclusion – the values that we embrace as an organization.”

Values not embraced by the Bigot-In-Chief. Clearly.

Why _____'s Rants Of Voter Fraud Are Far More Dangerous Than You Might Think

Clearly, the Little Man in the White House has another dirty diaper and is whining like, well, a baby with a dirty diaper.

And it’s the same whine, with a new verse; see, Little Donny is still butt-hurt that he lost the popular vote by over 3 million votes and is again claiming voter fraud as to why so many of us took a look at his name on the ballot and went, “Oh fuck, no.”

And so now _____ is demanding that every single state turn over all their voter information—name, age, party affiliation, even the last four numbers of your Social Security—in an effort to prove we like him, we really, really like him.

But most of the states are saying the same thing I said in that ballot booth last fall, “Oh fuck, No,” and are refusing to turn over any information to this narcissistic man-child who is now claiming the states are “hiding something.”

Um, yeah, you fuckmonkey, they’re keeping the information out of your fat tiny hands because why would they want to give voter information to the asshat who is accused of colluding with Russia to steal the last election?

_____ Tweeted:

“Numerous states are refusing to give information to the very distinguished VOTER FRAUD PANEL. What are they trying to hide?”

The “distinguished voter fraud panel includes his Vice Colluder, Mike Pence, so, yeah, there’s that. There’s also the fact that no one, outside of _____ and his band of ignorant children—and I mean his actual children and the morons who work for him—believe there was this massive amount of voter fraud last November and wonder why the man who won—Thanks Russia—is still crying foul?

And the best part of all? Many of the states that are refusing to turn over data are states that _____ won, a clearly bipartisan Fuck You from both Democrats and Republicans to the President-For-Now.

Yup, twenty-seven states— from California to Arizona, Kentucky to Maine, South Dakota to Rhode Island—have told _____ to bugger off by refusing to provide all or some of the voter information requested by his Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity ... don’t get me started on the idea of _____ and Integrity ... and Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach, the vice chair of that commission wants to know why states like Kentucky or California won’t provide available information:

“I mean, what are they trying to hide if they don’t want a presidential advisory commission to study their state voter rolls?”

Well, Kentucky’s Secretary of State, Alison Lundergan Grimes, a Democrat, gave the best response to Kobach and _____:

"There's not enough bourbon here in Kentucky to make this request seem sensible. Not on my watch are we going to be releasing sensitive information that relate to the privacy of individuals."

But _____remains crazed at the loss of the popular vote and is now claiming that even the states he won are conspiring against him to cover up voter fraud.

I mean, it makes no sense to accuse those who voted for you of covering up voter fraud against you, but that’s the lunacy of the tool in the White House who, if he’s reading this, and he might, let me just add:

Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by over 3 million, and if you factor in those who voted Anyone But Trump, the popular vote loss is even greater, Asshat.

Still, it’s not just laughable, it’s also a dangerous sign of the mental instability that resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue; think of it like this—from PoliticusUSA:

“Substitute voter fraud for a North Korea nuclear bomb, and the problem becomes much more serious. _____’s refusal to live in reality is putting the United States and the world at risk. If _____ believes that North Korea has a nuclear weapon, when they don’t, it could lead to world war.”

Not so laughable now, is it?

If _____ attacks those states that supported because he believes in some wacknut conspiracy theory, there are no limits to the damage that this mentally unfit tyrant could cause.

Luckily, most of the country is doing what the GOP won’t do: standing up to _____, though, sadly, this is causing this delusional fuckmonkey to go even further off the rails.

And goddess knows where that leads ...

PoliticusUSA

The Hill

The Funny Papers

Jim Morin, Clay Bennett, Bill Day, Adam Zyglis, David Horsey, Nick Anderson, Darrin Bell, Kevin Siers