The Funny Papers

Kevin Kallaugher, Lalo Alcaraz, Clay Bennett, Jack Ohman, Gary Huck, Ann Telnaes, Winters Art, JD Crowe, Pedro X Molina, David Cohen, Bruce MacKinnon,

Why Is It ...

… that when I hear someone say “Life is a walk in the park,” I think of my life as a walk through Jurassic Park?

… that I am the person that always leaves early … like Cinderella?

… that I hardly ever speak to people? So, if I talk to you, congratulations!

… that you think I was a toxic person in your life, but in fact it must have been your fault; next time, don’t play with me.

… that your secret is safe with me? Cuz I’m gonna forget it as soon as you tell me.

… that I hate when people think I’m mad or sad because I’m not talking when the fact is, sometimes, I’m just too lazy to talk.

… that one of my toxic traits is going too hard on the chips and salsa before dinner arrives.

… that I have the uncanny ability to forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

… that I vacillate between thinking I am crazy and thinking I am not crazy enough.

I Didn't Say It ...

Larry David, Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm creator, on CNN, bashing Thing 45:

“You can’t go a day without thinking about what he’s done to this country because he’s such a little baby that he’s thrown 250 years of democracy out the window by not accepting the results of the―I mean, it’s so crazy, he’s such a sociopath, he’s so insane, he just couldn’t admit to losing. And we know he lost. He knows he lost. And look how he’s fooled everybody, he’s convinced all these people that he didn’t lose. He’s such a sick man. He’s so sick.”

You’re being too kind, Larry, he’s a sociopath and a criminal and rapist and racist.

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Jeanine Pirro, Fox News’ resident Box of Chardonnay, showing off her ignorance and hypocrisy:

“You know, people want to hear divergent points of view, and that’s why they tune into this show. And the sad part about it is that MSNBC has an opportunity to bridge the divide, to try to bring the country closer, to use the long-tested way of of testing for the truth. And that is cross-examination. That’s how this country is determined, what the truth is in jury trials for centuries. But they’re not interested in that. They are literally authoritarian leftist. If you don’t believe in their ideology, and if you dare to veer from that conga line, then you are not allowed. And there is no personal freedom. There is none of that. It’s strict adherence to an ideology or you’re out. Honestly, what I think is those hosts should apologize to their viewers and say, we’re sorry, that we want to impose one ideology on all of you and anyone who differs from us is a liar.”

Hey Jeanine, take your lips off the box wine and listen up: the RNC has said it will not hire anyone who says the 2020 election was a real, true, fair election.

The hypocrisy is coming from inside your party.

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Rachel Maddow, MSNBC prime time host, blasting her own network over its decision to hire former RNC Chair, and Big Liar Ronna McDaniel as a political commentator:

“If you care what I think about this, the fact that McDaniel is on the payroll at NBC News, to me that is inexplicable. You wouldn’t hire a wise guy … a made man, like a mobster, to work in a DA’s office. You wouldn’t hire a pickpocket to work as a TA screener. And so, I find the decision to put her on the payroll inexplicable. Take a minute, acknowledge that maybe it wasn’t the right call,” she said. “It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to acknowledge when you are wrong. And our country needs us to be strong right now.”

McDaniel’s hiring set off a firestorm of criticism inside the network and McDaniel was subsequently ley go because the people spoke up.

That’s how this works!

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Nancy Mace, South Carolina’s goose-stepping, flip-flopping, GOP Congressperson, on the tragedy at the Key bridge this week:

“Look at the $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill that was done a couple of years ago that the left hails as this massive success, but it was mostly Green New Deal. Actually, in that bill, $110 billion went to surface transportation, which is roads and bridges, and, of that $110 billion, $70 billion went to public transportation, leaving only $40 billion for traditional roads and bridges. If you live along the coast or you live near water, you know that our bridges are rusting out.”

Of note is that Nancy Mace is a fvcking liar: she not only voted against the infrastructure bill, she later claimed credit for a South Carolina project funded by the bill.

That’s Nancy Mace: fvcking liar.

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Warren Limmer, Minnesota state GOP Senator, argued against a proposal for safe storage requirements for firearms because cows are dangerous:

“You even walk too close to a cow, and it’ll take you down and trample you into dust. Fumbling around with a lock while a cow or a bull or any other animal is going after your daughter or your son—you can’t fumble around with a key or try and find the lockbox or put your thumb on a biometric key of some sort in your home while the danger is outside. This bill puts those individuals in even more danger.”

Wow. Cows.

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Alexandra Billings, actress, transwoman and trans advocate, on self-loathing transphobe Caitlyn Jenner:

“Since she can remember Caitlyn Jenner has been worshipped and adored by an international audience. When she finally found the courage to live her life openly and without shame, she became an instant icon. Without having paved the way for anyone but her, we all gathered around and once again, gave her the global attention she so deeply demanded. As she began to slip back into obscurity and her life became about how to navigate her life like every other trans person in America, the dullness and dreariness become a reality. So she, like many of us, climbed back into her shame that she lived with for decades and now, found a group of people, mostly conservative and mostly religious to the point of fanaticism, and found a family of self-loathing rule makers. Just like her. Her life of living wealthy and white and male presenting came back to her as if it had never left, and now, as our country has been given the blue ribbon for prejudice and transphobia by an orange tanned maniac and his red hatted cultists, Caitlyn has settled back into her privilege, spouting rhetoric even she doesn’t understand and yet finally being what she started out as: A self-seeking attention grabbing rich white privileged Transwoman who pretends to hate the attention, her whiteness and her privilege, all while cozying up to a group of people who abhor the very thing she thinks she isn’t. She exhausts me and I’m sick of paying attention to her. This will be the last post I will ever write about her. Because for me, all the Transwomen that I knew who gave their lives so that I may have the ability to sit here and write about my feelings and live my life honestly and without self-doubt and shame, demand I spend my time being of service to the revolution at hand, and not wasting it on a human whose reflection is aging like the picture of Dorian Grey. Goodbye Caitlyn. You are trauma to me. You are all of the bad people that did all of the bad things to me and pretended they were my friend. You are a see-through hero wearing a villain’s cape. You are a phony. And I cannot look at you anymore. Goodbye Caitlyn. And strangely, I still hope you find your way.”

Word.

Jenner is a disgusting disgrace.

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Bobservations

I’ve said before that Carlos uses Voice Over and Siri on his phone and both are set somewhat loudly so he can hear them. The other morning I joked that he and his “team” are too loud and he was confused.

“When I’m back in the office, and you’re practicing your trumpet in the sunroom, I hear Siri count down your timer, and I also hear you ask her to tell you a joke.”

“You do not.”

“And then, when I’m in bed and you come into the room, you turn off Voice Over and it yells:

“VOICE OVER OFF.”

“And you ask Siri to set a 7AM alarm and she says: YOUR 7AM ALARM IS SET.”

“I’ve been trying to do that before I come back to bed.”

“And I can still hear you. Maybe you should go up the driveway to the street and give your commands.”

“Maybe I will.”

“But then you’ll wake the entire neighborhood.”

That stunned him  into silence.

This Tuxedo Memory is from July 2015

“A Bit of Tuxedo

He doesn't like Daddy on the computer and he hates when Daddy takes his picture.

And these are either from the fireworks ... he hates the booms ... or, again:

"For the love of God, Daddy, put down the camera, I'm just a cat!"

Oh Tucky, you are more than just a cat.”

And he was the Best Cat Ever.

Inmate # P01135809’s new joint fundraising agreement with the Republican National Committee [RNC] directs donations to his campaign and to a PAC that pays the criminal’s legal bills before the RNC gets a cut.

The illegal-sounding diversion of funds to the Save America PAC makes it more likely that GOP donors could see their money go to lawyers for the criminal, who have already received some $76 million over the last two years to defend him against four felony indictments and multiple civil cases. And some Republicans are worried that the criminal’s takeover of the RNC could shortchange the cash-strapped party, making it harder for them to run for office.

Good. These asshats thought they were hooking their wagons to the savior of the party but they’re now chained to the man who will bankrupt the RNC like he does most of his businesses.

Little known fact: in the years before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home. You’re welcome. 

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife MacKenzie Scott is once again opening her wallet to donate some of her billions to worthy causes, which has the rightwingnuts crying foul.

Scott announced that she will donate $122 million to 67 migrant-advocacy organizations for legal aid and other assistance; she will also give $117 million to 67 prisoner-advocacy groups and other organizations helping prisoners and ex-convicts, and will donate $72 million to 43 groups that promote “gender identity,” “sexual orientation” and other LGBTQ causes.

In a world full of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk be like MacKenzie Scott because that’s how you billionaire.

During an appearance on “Hot Ones” former actor and current annoyance to the world Gwyneth Paltrow was asked about a long-standing rumor that former President Bill Clinton slept through a White House screening of her 1996 film, “Emma.”

“True. He was snoring right in front of me. I was like, ‘Wow, I guess this is going to be a real hit movie.’ But it was, so f–k you, Bill Clinton!”

If Goop is gonna cuss out everyone who falls asleep during any of her films, she’ll be touring the world and dropping f-bombs for all eternity and won’t have any time to make her vagina scented candles.

Moving through the probate process is a tedious experience; it’s a lot of hurry up and wait. The attorney who drafted my father’s will is the one I hired to manage the process and I would occasionally get stressed out, wondering if I was doing the right thing at the right time. But I was assured that it’s just a slow process but will be over before I know it and then this happened …

While at work on Monday I got a phone call from the lawyer’s legal assistant and she told me she had bad news.

Stress level up! The attorney I hired … died.

Seriously. He contracted pneumonia and was hospitalized at which time they discovered he also had leukemia, and he passed very quickly.

Stress level way up! But, his assistant talked me down, I offered her and his wife my condolences, and was directed toward a new attorney to take on the probate. Hopefully, there won’t be much longer time to complete the process.

Fingers crossed.

Nathan Slaten is a model and actor and dancer, and perhaps horny gay man, but Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Santa Barbara’s Weird and Wonderful Whale House

The Whale House, built in 1978, is a one-of-a-kind, architecturally magical masterpiece from head to tail—literally!

The Whale House was designed by Michael Carmichael as a whimsical expression of artistry set amongst peaceful oak and sycamore trees and seasonal Mission Creek with the wavy cedar shingled exterior giving the home a homogenous “skin” to blend in with the natural surroundings. And, since an artistic home needs a unique entrance, you enter through the whale’s mouth and let the imaginative lifestyle begin.

Three floors of creative genius encompass the head of the whale, including a spiral stairwell open to the outdoors, a rock-covered elevator shaft, and 270 Belgian leaded and stained-glass windows to take in the tranquil 360-degree views; there are walls of undulating Venetian plaster and massive wood beams and columns.

The “belly” of the whale is a relaxing interior courtyard with serene bamboo-lined outdoor shower, plenty of room to entertain guests, and a 75-foot glistening lap pool that flows from the courtyard into the grotto of the whale’s tail.

On the second Floor, overlooking the pool below, is a well-equipped kitchen, living room and dining room that all connect in a 360-degree circle. The third floor holds the primary suit, and features a jetted spa tub in the room, a sitting area, and balcony overlooking the pool; for the working professional, perch at the high-top table, and bring a laptop to create a tree house working environment high above the seasonal Mission Creek below. On the fourth floor is a light-filled suite, another bathroom, with tall windows and a claw foot tub.

Mission Canyon is a magical wooded neighborhood, yet only minutes from beloved attractions like the Santa Barbara Mission and Rose Garden, the Santa Barbara Botanic Gardens, and the nearby downtown area.

It was for sale, but is also available on Vrbo, in case you don’t watch to buy, you just want the experience of Jonah.

Dwell