I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

So, Tom and Katie are still the big news, bumping Lindsay Lohan from the tabloids, which you know she ain’t liking at all. Meh. Poor LOLhan.

And while there is still a lot of mock shock over the end of the Cruises, the signs seemed to be everywhere.

First, Katie didn’t go with Tommy to the premiere of his latest flop, “Rock of Ages” and do all that smarmy, ooh we’re so in love shtick that they used to do so well. The “official” excuse was that Katie was in China, um, working, which is Scientology code for This things gonna blow!

And then Tommy was in NYC shooting scenes for his next d-i-saster, “Oblivion”, and yet miraculously there were no shots at all of the, er, happy couple in La Grande Apple. And while he was in New York, Tommy not only stayed at a hotel—rather than at home with the missus—but he never even bothered to visit their apartment.

It does appear that Katie brought Suri to the hotel to see Daddy, but the visits weren’t planned and Tommy’s security brigade wasn’t even informed that their master would be receiving guests.

But here are some updates—and then we’ll end with a blind item that may be Cruise-worthy….

First, it appears that Katie stopped enjoying being controlled by Tommy.  See, rumor has it that after Katie nailed the audition to be Tommy’s wife—beating out Scarlett Johannson in the process—Tom instantly began controlling everything did or said, and everywhere she went.

He is rumored to have had something called “Art Kill” which he used when Katie was promoting Thank You For Smoking back in 2005; his “Art Kill” basically allowed him to stop producers from using any images of Katie being romantic or sexy with Aaron Eckhart.  And his “Art Kill” was used to keep Katie from flying around the world with the cast and crew of Batman Begins and instead she was flown around in Tommy’s private jet, with the hidden cameras and microphones.

And so, Katie reportedly stopped communicating with their mutual friends, and even went so far as to get a new cell phone that she used to talk to her family and friends only. Then came the whole deal with that apartment. She seems to have done that all on her own, as thought she was planning an escape. Which leads to me to this….

I ain’t saying she was an abused spouse, but her actions certainly do fall along those lines of a woman in an abusive relationship planning on how to escape the marriage.

I mean, she waits until the Little Man is in Iceland….Iceland…before she files her papers, which she does with the help of her attorney father. Then she has her father come out and fire all her bodyguards so no one will know where she went and what she did.

At least until the story broke.

Now, I’m not saying she was abused, but I think she was controlled beyond words and finally had enough. So, I say, good for her.

And good for her for doing to Tommy exactly what he did to my BFF Nicky Kidman.

Now, as for the divorce.

It is believed that Tom will file his own divorce papers in California and ask for joint custody as opposed to the sole legal custody that the former Kate Cruise, now Katie again, had requested. And while some said Katie would use Scientology as an excuse to be granted custody, most lawyers say that really isn’t a valid argument.

Still, there is rumor that Katie doesn’t really need to use Scientology as the basis or reasoning to get sole custody which makes it seem like her lawyers can otherwise prove that Tom is unfit to raise Suri—see blind item.

Katie will be at a family law courthouse this month for her first divorce hearing, and will “formally request temporary child support” from Tom Cruise to cover living expenses and the added security she has hired since her split. Tommy’s New York lawyer will appear, though it’s unclear if Tommy will make an appearance—unless they tell him it’s a scene from a movie. His lawyer could also petition the judge for a temporary visitation order at that time.

But, what is new and kinda funny, is that, for now, Tommy cannot legally file for divorce in California because “it is not possible to file in separate states at the same time” which means Katie got a big time jump on him. Tom will have no choice but to fight this thing in NYC.

So it seems as if Katie clearly has the upper hand in the proceedings at this point and that is probably driving Control Freak Tommy insane!

Love it.

I also loves me some Diana Ross.

And I’m loving her even more now that I heard this story.

See, Tyler Perry, Friend of Dorothy, er, Oprah, has made no bones about wanting Miss Ross to be in one of his movies. I saw him on ET once whining about how he’s tried to get in contact with her and she won’t take his calls. And how he wants so badly to make a movie with Miss Ross.

But she ain’t having it, and here’s why:

Diana.Ross.Is.Not.One.Of.His.Fans.

In fact, she kinda loathes him, and considers his “Madea” money making machine “lowbrow” and has flatly refused repeated requests to co-star with Perry in anything because she regards his body of work as too low­brow, say insiders.

A source—and it might be Mary Wilson because she ain’t got nothin’ else goin’ on—says, “Diana feels Tyler’s mov­ies, TV shows and especially his main character ‘Madea’ have no substance [and] “she refuses to even discuss the prospect with him.”

And it seems that Miss Perry is just devastated that Miss Ross has diva slapped him like that. He whimpers, “She’s the only person that I have dreamed of working with that will not return my phone calls.”

And what hurt worse than a phone snub was the knowledge that the Motown icon thinks his plays, movies and TV shows exploit African-American stereotypes: “Diana is all about her enter­tainment legacy,” the insider—Hey Mary!--ex­plained. “The last thing she wants is to co-star in a cheesy comedy starring a black man in a fat suit playing a half-cocked, angry old woman waving a gun.”

And I love her all the more for that!

Oh well, no Lohan, but I have some Kash Kow. Kardashian, that is.

Earlier this week, everyone was talking about the BET Awards, with Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Kardashian, Jay-Z and Beyonce all in attendance, but Beyonce keeping her distance from the famewhore and throwing dirty looks at the Kash Kow all night.

According to sources—and it’s probably Kris Jenner, who thinks any publicity is good publicity—says Beyonce barely even glanced at Kim during the show and Jay-Z even iced Kim a bit. Still, rumor has it that Kash Kow and Beyonce did pose for some pictures backstage, perhaps just to appease Kanye and keep him from jumpin’ onstage and acting the fool.

Again.

But, then we have this:

Kash Kow is so desperate to become BFFs with Beyonce that she’s trying to spoil baby Blue Ivy to get in Jayonce’s good graces. Kash Kow actually bought a $5000 diamond-studded baby bracelet and had it engraved “Love Auntie Kim.”

A source—Hey Kris!—says Beyonce is suspicious that Kim is trying to buy her friendship: “They have been friends for five minutes, but already Kim is trying to force herself into Beyonce’s life. She thought [the bracelet] was over the top, considering she’s known Kim personally for such a short time. Despite Kim’s sex tape and bad marriages, Beyonce had been warming to her based on her charming demeanor and romance with Kanye, who’s a good friend. But she certainly doesn’t consider Kim family in any way, shape or form. And for Kim to suggest that closeness in a present for Blue Ivy really put Beyonce off. She believes Kim is trying to buy her friendship through her daughter, and she’s cooling to their friendship. Right now, Beyonce is on her guard. She’s keeping her distance until she feels more trusting of Kim.”

Poor Kash Kow, she’s so used to buying things, like fame via a sex tape, like a TV via a sex tape, like a marriage via a TV show, and a divorce to follow suit, all topped off with a very high-profile romance with a very high profile douche.

I wouldn’t put it past her to buy baby gifts and call herself Auntie Kim. She’s probably doing it to get Jayonce on her TV show.

After all, isn’t it always about the Kash Kow?

And speaking of the Kash Kow, what about her soon-to-be ex, Kris Humphries?

I mean, he isn’t really news, he’s more like the annoying neighbor on a 70s sitcom, but there does seem to be some news.

As you already know, Kris is in the midst of a drawn-out process of divorcing Kash Kow—and it’s lasting longer than the marriage—and he’s been playing the part of the heartbroken ex who was so in love with his meal ticket, and how she broke him top pieces when she ditched him.

To complete his makeover as Poor Kris, he has been keeping real low-key about his dating so that he can seem sad and lonely, instead of sad and pitiful. But he kinda latched onto another famewhore who might give Kash Kow a run for her money.

This woman, Myla Sinanaj says she and Kris were dating, and Kris’ lawyer says they weren’t. But Myla has pictures, of course, of the duo at the beach together and of her courtside at his games; all the perfect evidence of a relationship, no? No.

Kris claimed that Myla was trying to extort him, and he ALLEGEDLY got the FBI involved and then Myla claimed that Kris’ lawyer had tried to intimidate her and get her fired by calling her job and claiming she was a prostitute.

Yikes.

But now, Myla The Prostitute says she’s pregnant, and Krissy is her baby Daddy.

Sources directly connected with Myla—AKA her pimp—says Myla has confirmed that she’s 3 months pregnant and says Kris is definitely the father.

And this won’t sit well in court when Kris tries to play the damaged party in his divorce from the Kash Kow.

Poor Kris, He’s as dumb as a box of rocks. Had he put a glove on it, he wouldn’t in this mess.

Of course, if he hadn’t put a ring on the last one we wouldn’t even know his name.

Tyler Perry Is Selling His Queen-Sized Salute To Jesus Mansion

I was clued into this one from Round-The-Way gay, Neal, and , while I think I have a way with words, I let the writer of this piece speak for himself.

From The Real Estalker:

No matter how you slice it, dice it, bend it or turn it inside out, Tyler Perry is a real estate size queen. Thanks to an informant we'll call Georgia Peach, Your Mama has learned that the cross dressing actor/writer/director of scorchingly successful plays, films and boob-toob programs (House of Payne, The Family That Prays, Why Did I Get Married and all those Madea movies just to name a few) has recently listed Avec Chateau–his gigantic Fairburn, GA mansion–with an asking price of $3,695,000. 

Property records we accessed indicate Mister Perry purchased the unimproved parcel in April of 2001 for just $62,661 and proceeded to build a massive monument to his success and money. A 2004 article in Ebony magazine quotes Mister Perry on his big ol' house in Fairburn saying, "I wanted this house to be vast. I wanted to make a statement, not in any grand or boastful way, but to let people know what God can do when you believe." Queen, pleeze. If anyone were to ask Your Mama–and of course no one did– it's just ass-inine for Mister Perry to classify his desire for a hotel sized house as a glorification of God. Do you think Jesus lived in a damn mansion with more rooms than disciples? Come on now.

Anyhoo, located on rural Cedar Grove Road (sometimes knows as Highway damn 70), the 17,252 square foot behemoth of indeterminate architectural pedigree sits on an 11.4 acre parcel surrounded by much more modest homes. Listing information indicates the sprawling "L" shaped mansion includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms including a 4,000 square foot master suite that features a sizable sitting room, a giant bedroom in which the bed sits, natch, up on a pedestal two steps up from the inlaid wood floor, and dual custom fitted closets overlooking the elaborately fitted master bathroom. Listen puppies, Your Mama don't begrudge Mister Perry his screaming success and we allow that people with fat bank accounts are free to live any which way their mountains of money will buy. However, Your Mama can't help but think there's something, well, vulgar about having a master suite which measures more than twice the size of the average American home. Do any of the children really think Jesus, a man who hung around with thieves and prostitutes, would have had a 4,000 square foot bedroom?

Other lavishly decorated rooms–where were reportedly done up and did over by Mister Perry hisself–include a double height foyer with a swerving, dizzy making mahogany staircase and a large sculpture of a horse that for some reason appears to be leaning against the wall. A ballroom sized "grand salon" has 20+ foot ceilings and a chandelier about as big as the Hyundai his housekeeper drives to work and additional sitting and entertaining rooms include another double height room with a quartet of brown tufted leather chairs and sofas and yet another double height room with scarlet colored walls, beige carpeting and floor to ceiling windows flanking one of the homes seven wood burning fireplaces. A person could take down the Tioga State Forest burning up wood in all them hot boxes. 

A double height paneled library accommodates another large chandelier and a vertigo inducing spiral staircase leading to a gallery lined with book shelves. The dining room sports vermilion colored walls and yet another colossal crystal chandelier while the double height gore-may kitchen has been painted the brightest of yellows which, quite frankly, makes for an unharmonious aesthetic marriage with the mahogany cabinetry, taupe colored marble floors and black granite counter tops.

A home gym lined with floor to ceiling mirrors ensures Mister Perry can watch himself work out from all angles, and a home thee-ayter with eight red velvet seats and crimson colored walls has quite naturally been installed. Presumably this is where Mister Perry runs and re-runs his bank account filling films in which he plays the argumentative and gun-toting matriarch Madea.

The walled and gated grounds include a long driveway leading to a large circular motor court with, you got it, a fountain in the middle. The back side of Avec Chateau includes a vast terrace with both a fireplace and a fire pit, not one but two prayer gardens, a man-made waterfall, tennis court, several small ponds, a three tier outdoor amphitheater for impromptu performances, a circular spa and a negative edge swimming pool that spills down into yet another water feature.

Both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter go apoplectic just thinking about the yearly heating and cooling costs of a house like this. All those double height rooms ensure the heating and cooling systems are working over time all the time and the immense lawns and landscaping guarantee a team of mowers, trimmers and weeders be on the property several times a week. We know, some of you sassy children are gonna say a person who can afford a house like this does not worry about the running costs, but we do not want to hear it because, judgement or not, we think this is simply too much house and property for one man.

But Mister Perry, being the real estate size queen that he is, clearly thinks differently because he's reportedly packing his chandeliers and moving to an even more monumentally sized mansion off Paces Ferry Road in the suburbs of Atlanta that is sited on 17 acres overlooking the Chatahootchie River and is reported to measure in excess of 30,000 square feet. Dayum! Keep in mind children, Mister Tyler lives all by his lonesome. Could there be anything more depressing and lonely than rattling around a 30,000 square foot suburban mansion? Alone? No, we don't think so either but we're sure any discomfort Mister Tyler might feel is offset by his belief that his new mega-mansion, like his old mega-mansion, is a paean to the power of God. Whatever.

Mister Perry, who was once called the most bankable actor in Hollywood by Business Week magazine, does not just confine his God glorifying real estate to Atlanta and also owns a few premium properties in Los Angeles including a newly built and aggressively modern residence at the top of Blue Jay Way for which he reportedly paid $9,600,000. Also in his portfolio of prodigious properties is a 22-acre tract of land in the hills above Beverly where he once planned to build a 22,000 square foot Tuscan style monster mansion but for reasons unknown to Your Mama scuttled the project soon after the foundation had been laid. That property was previously on the market for $15,000,000 but seems to have disappeared from the MLS.