It's Snarkurday!

I’ve often called Helen Mirren the ‘British Meryl Streep’ …or, Streep is the ‘American Mirren.’ Now, however, we have an ‘American Hugh Grant’ in Owen Wilson, a confirmed bachelor who has fathered two sons with two different women.

A la Grant, who recently married one of his Baby Mama’s.

And now it appears Wilson has ALLEGEDLY fathered another child with a third woman and is undergoing a paternity test to see if he is the daddy.

Well, sperm donor. Wilson shares his 7-year-old son, Robert, with his ex-girlfriend Jade Duell, and is also the father of 4-year-old son Finn, with another ex, Caroline Lindqvist, and will no doubt be in this child’s life if Maury opens that envelope and proves he is the father.

But, um, Owen, howsabout not having a slew of children with a slew of women, because you cannot be a full-time daddy to three children by three different women. M’kay?

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Well, there is one anonymous Hollywood publicist who offers one piece of serious advice to his female clients: avoid John Mayer.

Sidenote: I think everyone should heed that advice.

Mayer, who’s dated Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry, is known to be “manipulative,” according to the mysterious PR flack.  Mayer once actually claimed that he didn’t sleep with women of color because his dick was racist and yet he still managed to get girls. The publicist says:

“I tell women in Hollywood to steer clear of him. He’s manipulative. He has a reputation … and it’s better to exercise caution dealing with anybody who kisses and tells.”

And tell and tell and tell and, a la Swifty, write songs about it. Mayer has said that he loved “sexual napalm” Jessica Simpson, has ridiculed Aniston for wanting him to pay as much attention to her as he did to his phone, and, yes, he’s a Taylor Swift song.

Like I said, the world should steer clear.

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Oh Madge, stop; just stop.

This week Madonna and her legal team were told to stop trying to obtain records from the neighbors in her Upper West Side co-op in NYC. It seems Madge stands accused of “harassing” her neighbors by continuing to seek records from the co-op board after losing a lawsuit.

Madonna sued her building, Harperley Hall in 2016 claiming that, because she’s always traveling the world, there was no way she could be in her condo all the time to satisfy the new rules against non-homeowners using the condo. The case got tossed because Madge filed too late and, since Madge doesn’t like being told what to do, so tried to dig up board records including voting information and annual meeting minutes to “investigate how her lease was changed” and “how her family may use Unit 7A without breaching the lease.”

Well, a judge has put the kibosh on Madge trying to harass her neighbors into getting that information:

 “Plaintiff [Madge] does not need those materials anymore to prove a case that, by law, she is no longer allowed to prove.”

In other words, Madge, we’re done.

Take a seat and follow the rules or, as Judge Judy would say:

"Uh, moooooove!”.

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Meanwhile onto other diva news, and by diva, I mean the weave and ass shaking, the lip-syncing, the sell your soul for coins loving, Beyoncé.

This week, while touring with current husband—you know this shiz won’t last—Jay-Z, the stage fucked up, and the only way for Bey to get down was from a ladder. And Bey doesn’t know how ladder works.

Seriously. The Carters were in Warsaw and one of the moving stages had clearly had enough of the gyrating while mouthing the words to her songs and took a break. And the only way for Bey to get down from the stage was if she hiked a leg and went down the ladder her assistants propped against the broken set piece.

And she wasn’t happy, though she pasted ion that trademarked Beyoncé smile™ and, after several minutes of people telling her she’d be fine, she finally hiked her leg up and descended the ladder held steady by about ten minions.

Seriously? Bitch doesn’t know how to use a ladder?

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We already mentioned her once, back in that John Mayer mess, so let’s dish on Jessica Simpson, who’s made a fortune selling shoes but understands her singing and acting career … and that makes me giggle … career …are all but over.

Word on the street is that Simpson has lost all motivation for life, along with husband Eric Johnson, stay home boozing and eating all the time. A source—and you know it’s Jessica herself—says:

“She feels like her acting career over, she’s aged out of Hollywood, and too fat. She doesn’t want to work out like she did before for roles … [She and Eric] rarely leave their huge mansion. And have everything delivered, no matter what it is!”

Now that may seem farfetched …especially the ‘aged out’ of Hollywood part because everyone knows she’s no actress, but what about that singing career? Simpson was ALLEGEDLY offered a Las Vegas residency, but would have had to lose weight for and she didn’t want to do that, so she declined.

And stayed home and ordered pizza.

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The Kardastrophe-Jenners have fired another influential behind-the-scenes person in their entourage: their longtime makeup artist Joyce Bonelli. A statement, no doubt released by That Woman, says:

“The family doesn’t speak to her anymore. She hasn’t worked for them for months. They just stopped working with her because they didn’t see it as a right fit anymore.”

And to make their point, every single Kardastrophe has stopped following Bonelli on Instagram.

The shock! But now the truth comes out … things turned sour last year, when Bonelli ALLEGEDLY “tried to go around them on a deal so the Kardastrophes wouldn’t make money off of it.”

Well, of course, it’s about the coins. How dare one of their employees make money off their name? I mean, they owe Satan a buttload of cash for making them famous. And by ‘Satan,’ I mean, That Woman.

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Mo’Nique has been battling with her Precious director Lee Daniels ever since that movie came out … almost ten years ago.

Damn, girl can hold a grudge. She famously claimed she was blackballed from Hollywood by Daniels for not “playing the game” by demanding to be paid for promoting the film for which she won an Oscar.

Daniels clapped back by saying Mo’Nique had too many “demands” and then Mo’Nique doubled down by adding Oprah and Tyler Perry to the list of people who treated her shabbily.

And now Daniels, who holds a grudge almost as tightly as Mo’Nique spoke again about their feud and asked Mo’Nique to stop blaming him, Oprah, and Tyler Perry for her career crash-and-burn, especially since Lee helped her win that Oscar:

“It breaks my heart that she feels that we blackballed her. No one blackballed her. Mo’Nique blackballed her. And for her to continue to talk about Oprah and myself and Tyler is disrespectful and, yeah, that hurt … I don’t understand her motive. I don’t get it. I really don’t … For her to think that I could do anything but, I don’t know, I don’t, like, it ain’t even worth the conversation. Like, she needs to shut up.”

Daniels oughta take his own advice and whenever Mo’Nique’s name comes up, simply say nothing. I mean, nothing ends a public feud faster than saying nothing. But Mo’Nique has already said she will never stop talking:

“The truth only goes away if we stop talking and y’all and I ain’t gonna stop talking and Lee Daniels, you shut up.”

Seriously? This has devolved into ‘You shut up!’ ‘No, you shut up.’?

Howsabout you both shut up?

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Guy Pearce is the latest person to spill the beans … twenty years later … about Kevin Spacey’s predilection for roaming groping hands.

If you recall, last year Gabriel Byrne revealed that Spacey caused shooting on The Usual Suspects to shut down because of his inappropriate sexual behavior and now Pearce says Spacey got “handsy” with him on the set of L.A. Confidential:

“Amazing actor; incredible actor. Mmm. Slightly difficult time with Kevin, yeah. He’s a handsy guy.”

Mild shade, until Pearce added:

“Thankfully, I was 29 and not 14.”

As a reminder, 14 is how old Anthony Rapp was when Kevin ALLEGEDLY molested him.

So, I’ll say it: I hope authorities come after Spacey with the same vengeance with which they’re gone after Weinstein because he deserves to be punished for being a sexual predator.

UPDATE:

Scotland Yard is investigating 3 more possible sexual assaults by Kevin Spacey:

“Between February and April of this year, police received allegations that the American actor sexually assaulted men in London and Gloucester. This brings the number of claims against Spacey being investigated by London police to six – five complaints of sexual assault and one of assault. The police have not confirmed the name of the person being investigated. Two of the latest allegations are said to have occurred in London – Westminster (1996) and Lambeth (2008) – and the third in Gloucester (2013).”

Perfect.

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